New Year’s Resolutions for ASP Surfers

30 12 2009

Dance? No, I said you look fat in those pants. Jordy Smith and newly-crowned champ Mick Fanning celebrate the end of another ASP season.

Being the muckraking “journalist” I am I try keep my nose clean and my ear to the ground. OK, who am I kidding? My nose is dirtier than a gas station’s toilet seat. Regardless, I had the distinct pleasure of intercepting the New Year’s resolutions of the best surfers in the world.  

-Kelly Slater
Read the memoirs of famous rebels Robert E. Lee, George Washington and Poncho Villa. Win 10th title on an Alaia.  

-Mick Fanning
Legally change name to Damien Hardman II.  

-Jamie O’Brien
Win all contests he enters on just one wave instead of two. Get sponsored by Zippo lighters for daily burnings of the ASP rule book.  

-Dane Reynolds
Win a fucking contest.  

-Tim Boal
Win a fucking heat.  

 -Joel Parkinson
Have doctors genetically alter his ankles with Hillary Clinton’s canckles. That way he’ll never injure them again.   

-Chris Ward
Make it on time to all his heats court appearances.   

 -CJ Hobgood
Knock out the next punk that calls him Damien.  

-Bede Durbidge
Try to conceal the shit-eating grin from his face every time he cashes that motocross company’s check.  

-Dusty Payne
Change name to Dirk Diggler so it sounds less like a porn star.  

-Adriano de Souza
Finally quit day job as a midget rodeo clown. Then seal the clown car doors so no more Brazilians make it on the ASP tour.  

-Taylor Knox
Retire. Then unretire. Then retire. Then sign a contract with the Minnesota Vikings.  

-Rob Machado
Hire a narrator that doesn’t put you to sleep if the Drifter II ever gets made.  

-Jordy Smith
Become the first surfer sponsored by Trojan condoms. Burn through the “lifetime supply” in one month.

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Transworld Surf to Re-Produce Surfing Mag in its Entirety

25 11 2009

Today it was announced Transworld Surf will forgo all original editorial and produce a magazine identical to Surfing Magazine every month.

It was a logical step in the evolution of the 10-year-old magazine which was lambasted online recently for “poaching” Surfing’s cover photo this month.

The move will save millions and put them on the path to profitability by 2212.

Yesterday, Surfing’s Assistant to the Assistant Photo Editor Jimmy “Jimmicane” Wilson posted a rant on Likebitchin.com titled “Jimmy Wilson is Used to this Bullshit.

In the post Wilson said, “This blatant lack of respect and order in surf photography will eventually lead to the downfall of professional surf photographers and also may eventually spell the end of surf magazines altogether.”

“It’s true,” admitted Transworld Surf Editor-In-Chief Chris Cote. We have been living in the editorial closet so to speak for years. It’s time to come out. We aren’t copying them though. Our generation calls it sampling. If Kayne West samples an R&B classic he’s considered a genius. How is this any different? Frankly, I’m surprised it took this long to notice the similarities. Surfers are stupid really. But if we throw in a few shots of scantly-clad females no one notices.”

Cote said the February issue won’t be an exact replica. “It just wouldn’t be Transworld without a Broism or two. Like this one. What do you call a Bro who wears no condom…someone who likes to go Ruff Ryder style? Give up? A Teddy Brosevelt.”





I Can Haz a Dream by Blasphemy Rottmouth

12 11 2009
Dave Mailman IS Awesome

Dave Mailman. The man, the myth, the commentating legend.

Editor’s Note: I do not know Blasphemy Rottmouth well. From his passionate and cryptic comments, it is clear he’s a witty, and perhaps an inherently drunk individual that captures the embodiment of the working-class surfer like no one I have ever seen. This is his dream.

I can haz a dream last night!

I had a dream that one day even the Pipeline Masters, a contest sweltering with the heat of injustice, sweltering with the heat of oppression, would be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice.

I had a dream that my three little children would one day live under an ASP tent where they would not be judged by the color of their jersey but by the content of their character.

I had a dream that one day every excellent wave would be exalted, and every fist pump and claim was made low, the monotony of Mick Fanning was made plain, and the gays were made straight; and the glory of the Laird was revealed and all flesh saw it together.

I can haz a dream last night!

And that dream is now partially laid bare before your very eyes by the miraculous pairing of Dave Mailman and Peter Mel in the commentary booth for the 2009 Pipeline Masters. What follows is a snippet of that dream:

D.M.: “Well Pete, here we are. Another beautiful day on the North Shore of Oahu. I can’t get over the irony of those subtle cyan hues swirling about the channel matching my new pair of Santa Cruz corduroy Crocs perfectly. And to top it off, I’m working on my fourth gin and tonic of the morning.”

P.M.: “Fourth? You dainty little twat! I just polished off that case of Fosters in the back. Tastes like rabid dingo jizz, but the buzz is killer. That ridiculously hot broad wearing Chas Smith’s favorite yellow panties is bringing me another during the next break so eat your Frenchy heart out.”

D.M.: “Ummm, that WAS Chas Smith.”

P.M.: “Really? Chas? Dude knows how to tuck like a pro. Trust me, I know. (Licks melted Velveeta cheese from his index finger) But I digress. Let’s not forget that we’ve got some primo swell on tap, Mailman. Six to eight feet and a lumbering offshore breeze dusting the tips of those hucking A-frames – perfect for deciding how many points Mick will win his second championship by. Let’s take a look at who we got bobbing around in the lineup for this heat, shall we?”

D.M.: (shuffles papers around before burying a bubble of flatus in his plastic chair) “According the latest draw, we’re looking at Nathaniel Curran, Ola Eleogram, Dave Wassell, and Joel Parkinson. (Pauses) In other words, Billabong wants Joel to win their flagship event. And speaking of gas, Wassell just cartwheeled down the face of a bomb and got throat-fucked by the reef. Hopefully his Pipeline expertise will help him locate the rest of his teeth.”

Read the rest of the story here…





Rip Curl Announces 2010 Rip Curl Pro Search Huntington Beach

23 10 2009

Huntington Beach Pier

23 October, 2009 — Peniche, Portugal — Rip Curl International has today officially announced the coastal town of Huntington Beach, California will host next year’s Rip Curl Pro Search, stop No. 9 of 10 on the 2010 ASP World Tour – to be held October 19 to 20.

The location has been a mystery to most all season, but today’s official press launch in the Portuguese capital of Lisbon unveiled the secret to media and the surfing industry.

“We’re excited about today’s announcement and even more excited to see the industry’s reaction to our decision to hold this year’s Rip Curl Pro Search in the pristine Orange County beach town known for its bar scene, pollution, cookie-cutter architecture, and less-than-average beachbreaks,” said Scott Hargreaves, Rip Curl Event Manager.

“The city has a tremendous amount of surf and we’ve decided to lock in Huntington’s ‘Taco Bell Reef’ as our event spot. On the right swell it can get halfway decent.”

“It had to be ‘somewhere,’ so why not Huntington,” Hargreaves reasoned.

Hargreaves said the event will be mobile and may utilize several spots during the event. “It’s wide open. Taco Bell Reef, just north of the pier will be the focal point where the world’s best surfers display their three-to-the beach gifts. But who knows? We may use Goldenwest Street or Brookhurst. I will guarantee the surfers will score during the 2-day waiting period.”

During the fall season Huntington fires from northwest ground swells, making it one of the most consistent waves on Earth. “We’re putting all our eggs in one basket,” said Surfline founder Sean Collins.

“Although it’s one year away, the chances of getting an offshore day or two are above average. If we’re lucky it won’t blow out until 10 a.m.”

This is the part of the release where I talk about how awesome Rip Curl-sponsored surfers are. So why don’t I just tell you. They are awesome. At least two of them will be pushed late in a heat.

And it’s an absolute certainty Mick Fanning or Taylor Knox will win the event. Also, if you don’t have Rip Curl rookie Kekoa Bacalso on your Fantasy Surfer team you are blowing it.

In a shocker, it was also announced all four wildcards will be Rip Curl surfers. Additionally, future world champion Owen Wright will be seeded directly in the semifinal.

The entire Rip Curl Pro Search Huntington will be webcast live on ripcurl.com and aspworldtour.com, but the new tour changes may limit Rip Curl’s role in broadcasting the event. They may have to just rely on title sponsorship and prime advertising and banner placement–just like every other major sporting circuit that does not suffer from mild retardation.

It will be a dream come true to be able to surf in front of the fans at Huntington again,” said world number-one Mick Fanning.

About Huntington Beach: Although true surfers know Santa Cruz is the real “Surf City,” Huntington lassoed the official distinction after a lengthy court battle with the crunchy grove city to the north. Huntington was home to surfing heroes like Bud Llamas, John Parmenter, the Deffenbaughs, Herbie Flecther, Brad Gerlach and rising star Brett Simpson. Its best surfers are usually underground legends that develop cocaine or alcohol addictions. Tattoos and smoking hot divorcees are its chief exports.

About Rip Curl: Rip Curl International is an Australian wetsuit and surfwear manufacturer based in Torquay,Victoria. They make warm and flexible neoprene using revolutionary, patented processes. The suits usually last about 3 months. Approximately two months longer than any Hurley wetsuit. Unless you know someone who works for Rip Curl or shop the discount rack at clearance department stores, you probably don’t own a single item of Rip Curl clothing. They also make high quality watches. But if you are going to spend that type of money I would recommend a Rolex instead.





Inside A Transworld Surf Editorial Meeting Part II

20 10 2009

TWS

Inside the Transworld headquarters in Carlsbad, California.

Editor Chris Cote storms in…

Chris Cote: Okay, quiet down everyone. As tradition dictates let’s give thanks to our savior, leader and mentor… aSalaam ‘Alaykum Sal Masakala!

Everyone: Sal Masakala aSalaam

Chris Cote: Okay brozas. Welcome. Research tells us we aren’t so doing hot in several key demographics. Sure… we have the whole pre-teen and clergy crowd down skippy, but we ain’t testing well in Middle America.

Liam Ferguson: Yes! Mid-dul America! I already have the ad department working on Cheeze Whiz and Walmart.

Chris Cote: Okay bros…any ideas?

Liam Ferguson: (Stands up…stretching…) I have to excuse myself. I have a fundraiser sponsored by the San Diego Chamber of Commerce and the NRA. Duty calls.

Justin Cote: (coughing…places hash pipe gingerly on boardroom table… ) Boat trip… Indo.

Chris Cote: Uh, wasn’t that your idea last month?

Justin Cote: Okay. Bass fishing excursion with tow-ats on fan boats? Kind of a Deliverance meets Modern Collective vibe.

Chris Cote: Awesome. That’s not a half bad idea. Mitch Coleburn did look pretty saucy with that moustache in Surfing Mag.

Casey Koteen: Uh…I don’t think there are any waves where there’s bass fishing.

Chris Cote: Heck there’s no waves on the entire East Coast but that still doesn’t stop Eastern Surf from producing a magazine every month.

Casey Koteen: Good point.

Aaron Checkwood: (adjusts monocle…speaks in a thick German accent) All of these photos are crap. (slams fist)

Chris Cote: Here we go again.

Justin Cote: How about a NASCAR photo feature. No… I got it. How’z about you send me and Chris Ward to Colorado and do the whole Bubble Boy thing. ‘Where’s Wardo. Is he in the balloon? Am I retarded for watching this?’ It will be huge. Cross promotion and all that shit.

Casey Koteen: Lost would pay top dollar for that type of placement. AND…we can interview Wardo’s alarm clock.

Justin Cote: Do they have alarm clocks in jail? I’m just sayin’.

Chris Cote: Hey broza? Why don’t we just have Wardo edit the issue? The Joel Tudor SURFER issue was huge. When Transworld turns 50 I suppose we’ll start mailing it in too.

Aaron Checkwood: Uh guys? There’s a world title race going on. Joel Parkinson?…Mick Fanning?….ring a bell?

Justin Cote: Come on Cheekwooooood! Fuck those guys. It’s all about Dane Reynolds yo. Ry Craike…Dusty Payne….Julian Wilson…represent bitches. You know we care even less about the WCT than Volcom.

Chris Cote: That’s right… we know who our daddy is. (nervous laughter) Okay, we’re done here. This meeting is adjourned. All Hail Masakala!

Everyone: Sal Masakala aSalaam

Click here for Part 1 of Inside a Trasworld Surf Editorial Meeting





Trick Tips—The Frontside Bottom Turn

25 08 2009

Alana Blanchard

Trick tips are surfing’s editorial equivalent to throwing in the towel. You see them in all the surf mags and all over the web. Has anyone ever learned a damned thing from Kalani Robb explaining how to do a floater or Taj Burrow talking about how to do an air reverse? I worked for a dot com at the turn of the Millennium. One day we had a meeting with one of the VP’s and he was adamant about including more trick trips on the site. “We need more trick tips,” he said while adjusting the waistband on his Dockers. “That’s what the kids want.”

Today, I’ve decided to throw in the towel.

The frontside bottom turn as performed by Alana Blanchard.

The bottom turn is a standard maneuver that sets up practically every other maneuver in your arsenal. Some might prefer the “backside,” but the frontside can be a tricky beast and equally rewarding. First make sure your “stick” has plenty of wax on it. Things can and will get slippery. You don’t want to experience one of those dog-in-the-bathtub catastrophes. When paddling, I prefer to kick my legs like a wild bronco at a rodeo to give an extra burst.  Now dive in with all your might.

After you get up, rotate your weight and dip your inside shoulder. When you see that section begin to peel a bit…go for broke. Make sure you shift your hips in a thrusting motion, but not too hard. Be gentle. You want to start slowly, build up a rhythm near the lip and crescendo and just the right moment. When in doubt remember; the more you practice, the better you will get.





The Revolution Will Be Logoless

19 08 2009

Freshjive

I always prefer a logoless T-shirt over one with a logo. Call me fussy. Call me fastidious. But, let’s face it—surf companies have a gift for ruining a perfectly good shirt with a logo.

That’s why my Hanes white T-shirts always get more use than the countless free T-shirts I have obtained over the years with surf company logos on them. That’s why that Hurley button-down with the logo on front pocket has been sitting in my closet, with tags still on, for more than a year. Speaking of Hurley. Does the Hilton Hotel chain know they stole their logo?

The point of making clothes is to sell them right? In many cases it appears surf clothing designers are more concerned with advertising the brand than making a comfortable, functional shirt people will buy and wear.

Recently, Freshjive announced they would soon go logoless and brandless. Although Freshjive is not a “surf company” in the strictest sense of the word, they have sponsored surfers in the past and have advertised in several surfing-related publications.

On PSFK Freshjive owner and designer, Rick Klotz, said “I’m not the type of person that buys something for the brand name. I’ve also never done a very good job at creating a captivating identity to our own brand logo. Also, within the streetwear culture, the promotion of a company’s brand has become downright silly to me. What’s amusing is I still really enjoy designing gear, graphics, and even logos. But when I see kids wearing company logos it reminds of people who are trying to be a part of a “tribe” or “gang”, as if they need to be part of something, which seems to go against the idea of individualism in style.”

Part of me thinks the move is genius. Part of me thinks they are mailing it in because no one buys their products anyway. Freshjive sells mostly to streetwear and skate boutiques. Who shops in streetwear boutiques anyway? What is streetwear? Do they have fashion shows with homeless people on the runway? I’m not sure.

But Klotz makes a valid observation in that “people who are trying to be a part of a “tribe” or “gang.” Surfers have always been a tribe or a gang in a certain sense. Most people want to belong. To be a part of something. For most surfers I think this is especially true. And that’s not necessarily a bad thing. But the problem is we need more leaders and fewer followers. Most surf companies offer nothing new. They copy each other continuously and the end result is stale and unoriginal.

Klotz appears to be leading. He is taking chances. And hell, he might be leading his brand to bankruptcy court, but at least he’s doing something different. And I respect that.