Five Photos, Five Quotes

16 03 2010


“One should never drive away from good surf.”
— Allan C. Weisbecker, In Search of Captain Zero 

 “Four legs good, two legs better!”
— George Orwell, Animal Farm


“I often think how unfairly life’s good fortune is sometimes distributed.”
— Leo Tolstoy, War and Peace 


“They were like two enemies in love with one another.”
— Fyodor Dostoevsky, The Brothers Karamazov 

“I fear someday I will meet God, he’ll sneeze and I won’t know what to say.”
— Ronnie Shakes


Surfing’s Mitchell Report

6 08 2009


When the Mitchell Report was released in 2007 it was bombshell for baseball. It is and was the stain on the soul of the sport. Steroid usage has dominated news coverage, tainted records and nearly ruined careers. When Congress got involved I nearly threw up. A politician trying to clean up sports is like a prostitute trying to bathe by walking through a drive-thru car wash. Sure, the hot wax may kill the crabs, but you’re still a fucking whore.

Surely surfing must be immune to performance enhancing drugs. Right? Well, don’t be so sure. Let’s look at some current surfers who are or may be juicing.

The Confirmed

Neco Padaratz
The Brazilian fire plug tested positive and was suspended by the ASP in 2005 for 6 months. Medical experts say ’roids cause shrinkage. He clearly showcased balls the size of coconuts after dropping in on Sunny at Pipe last year. Apparently, because he lives south of the Equator, steroids have a reverse effect on the testes. It’s like when you flush a toilet and the water goes in the opposite direction.

The Suspects

Tom Carroll
One does not develop thighs a Bulgarian weightlifter would be envious of by training alone. Very suspicious Tom. Those ham hocks could feed an Eskimo family for two consecutive winters. Years ago, at the OP Pro, I asked Tom for his autograph. As he scribbled his John Hancock, pen in hand, girls in bikinis hovering about, he looked up and said “Look at the tits on that one mate.” I was 12. Needless to say, Tom Carroll has always been one of my favorite surfers.

Rob Machado
“El Maniaco” Machado weighed about 75 pounds when he made the final of a PSAA event at Seaside Reef when he was just 14 years old. Now, he must tip the scales at a buck ‘o five. Call me crazy, but this is highly suspicious. You don’t just gain 30 pounds in 20 years by drinking organic milk and eating vegetables.

Mick Fanning
When he first qualified for the world tour he surfed like piece of angel hair pasta riding a plywood plank down a roller coaster. Now he looks like a piece of angel hair pasta with a gigantic meatball where his head should be. Is he on the juice? Probably not. But suspicious nevertheless.

Sunny Garcia
If I had to bet one of my kidneys on the surfer most likely to be using HGH, it would be Vincent Sennen Garcia. I kid Sunny. My run-ins with Sunny in the past have been nothing but cordial. I think he’s just a little misunderstood.

Laird Hamilton
This guy is ripped. And he has no fear. But let’s face it; his physique looks like Terrell Owens after a Michael Jackson-esque skin bleaching cycle with bronzer follow up. If I had the chutzpah to charge huge Chopes and Jaws like Laird, I’d probably buy needles in bulk from Costco too.


ESPN Surfing’s Jake Howard
My theory is he’s not fat. He’s just juicing. Give the guy a break. If Barry Bonds was sheet white and wore a corn husk toupe he would look just like Jake Howard.

Taylor Knox
Taylor has perhaps the most polished style on tour, but he’s been on the ’CT for about 40 years. I think slavery was still legal during Taylor’s rookie season. You don’t have that kind of longevity without a little help. He’s also been known to hang out with former Padres pitcher Trevor Hoffman. Baseball players are bad influences. You do the math.

Nobody Listens to Turtle

5 08 2009


“No one who wants to make a movie out of my book is smart enough to get it done.” 
That’s what author Allan Weisbecker said in his memoir about his experience with Hollywood producers and directors after his book “Cosmic Banditos” was optioned by John Cusack. Ninety percent of the time anything surfing related that Hollywood gets it greedy little fingers on immediately turns to shit. Believe me. I’ve done the research.

Out of pure luck the “North Shore” became a classic Hollywood surf film. Now I realize the competition for classic “Hollywood surf films” is…well… a little flaccid, but “North Shore” is near the top of the list. In this genre we have “Blue Crush,” “Point Break,” “In God’s Hands” and more recently the straight-to-DVD-Matthew McConaughey vehicle, “Surfer Dude.” I consider “Big Wednesday,”  the “Apocalypse Now” of the genre, which has a nice little surfing subplot of its own.

Here is the plot summary according to Wikipedia… Rick Kane, approximately 18 years of age, having just graduated high school, uses his winnings from a wave tank surfing contest in his native state of Arizona to fly to Hawaii the summer before the start of college to try and become a professional surfer. Surprisingly, the rewatchability factor is off the charts.

As a grom I knew all the lines in “North Shore.” In fact, I still remember a lot of them. For fun, I’ve taken my favorite quotes from the 1987 cult surfing classic and matched them with present-day surf industry players.

9. Nobody Listens to Turtle
Bede Durbidge. Bede needs an image makeover. He needs to beat up a girl, develop a drug habit or get some DUIs. Stat! Shoot yourself in the leg or something. Build up that street cred…you know? Bede finished second in the WCT rankings last year. SECOND! This guy is a competitive machine and has been shunned by the elite surf companies. Plus he kind of has that Turtle-eqsue blond, mop top going for him. Hence, nobody listens to Bede.  

 8. So this is where you work Turtle? Only when da surf’s bad, Barney. Cause’ when da surf’s good, nobody works!
The city of San Clemente. Let’s face it nobody works when there’s a swell and this is especially true for this costal town at the lower end of Orange County. During my last surf down there I wondered if anyone worked at all. You have to love the eclectic demographics of San Clemente–tweakers, surfers, Marines, Mexican immigrants and retirees living peacefully in one big melting pot.

7. You J.O.J? Just off the Jet.
Dane Reynolds. Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not challenging the kid’s talent, but the fact is he was born in Bakersfield. The demographics of Bakersfield are as close as you can get to the Arizona wave tank where Rick Kane honed his Pipeline skills.

6. He so haole he don’t even know he haole.
Laird Hamilton. Let’s face it “Lance Burkhart” rips. He’s probably one of the most respected surfers of his generation, but he is still a transplant.  Sorry Laird. Even if you studied tanning tips from George Hamiliton (and you just might), you’d still be a haole.

5. Don’t even touch Barno. That rhyno-chaser don’t need no big haole hand print messin’ up its whole trip.
Kelly Slater. The 9-time world champ has been shaping and designing his boards for a while now and it’s created quite the buzz, but that door I saw him riding on Sports Illustrated clearly need the rails tucked in a bit.

4. That’s not a wave. It’s a ripple. I’ve seen bigger waves in a toilet.
The surfers slogging away on the WQS tour. Man I feel for you guys…traveling the world surfing spots regular Joes will only read about. While we’re stuck at some desk with flourecent lighting they’re dabbling in French wine, Brazilian ass and Thai shemales. The Horror!

3. When da wave be here, don’t be there!
Jihad Khodr for his effort at Teahupo’o every year. Power Rankings writer Lewis Samuels said this about Jihad’s performance at Chopes…”Seriously, I think Jihad’s caddy sat deeper than him…  Rabbit was overheard describing Khodr’s performance as ‘embarrassing.’” The only thing that changed is that this year Jihad improved his average wave score to 2.39 points, and Rabbit wasn’t there.” If Danny Noonan gets a wildcard next year he’d probably beat him.

2. Here on the North Shore we treat friends mo better.
Joel Parkinson. Let’s say Kelly racks up a few wins in Europe or perhaps CJ Hobgood or Taj Burrow goes on a tear and the WCT race gets a little tighter. Will the Hawaiians take it easy on Joel and let him skate easily through heats? My guess is no. The WCT has gotten too friendly lately. I want to see some blood. I want to see fights, cursing at the judges, broken beer bottles and drugs. Damn, I miss the pro surfing in the ’80s.  

1. Scrub it Kook!
Dave Stanfield, ASP announcer. I’m pretty sure I’m going to hell when I die and when I get there I’m certain Dave Stanfield will be announcing Los Angeles Dodgers games in place of Vin Scully. I guess it could be worse. Yes, I’m talking to you Rockin’ Fig. While we’re on the subject of announcers, does Fuel TV’s Brent Ringenbach have pornographic images of one of the VP’s at Fox? That would be the only feasible explanation for Brent still having a job.