New Year’s Resolutions for ASP Surfers

30 12 2009

Dance? No, I said you look fat in those pants. Jordy Smith and newly-crowned champ Mick Fanning celebrate the end of another ASP season.

Being the muckraking “journalist” I am I try keep my nose clean and my ear to the ground. OK, who am I kidding? My nose is dirtier than a gas station’s toilet seat. Regardless, I had the distinct pleasure of intercepting the New Year’s resolutions of the best surfers in the world.  

-Kelly Slater
Read the memoirs of famous rebels Robert E. Lee, George Washington and Poncho Villa. Win 10th title on an Alaia.  

-Mick Fanning
Legally change name to Damien Hardman II.  

-Jamie O’Brien
Win all contests he enters on just one wave instead of two. Get sponsored by Zippo lighters for daily burnings of the ASP rule book.  

-Dane Reynolds
Win a fucking contest.  

-Tim Boal
Win a fucking heat.  

 -Joel Parkinson
Have doctors genetically alter his ankles with Hillary Clinton’s canckles. That way he’ll never injure them again.   

-Chris Ward
Make it on time to all his heats court appearances.   

 -CJ Hobgood
Knock out the next punk that calls him Damien.  

-Bede Durbidge
Try to conceal the shit-eating grin from his face every time he cashes that motocross company’s check.  

-Dusty Payne
Change name to Dirk Diggler so it sounds less like a porn star.  

-Adriano de Souza
Finally quit day job as a midget rodeo clown. Then seal the clown car doors so no more Brazilians make it on the ASP tour.  

-Taylor Knox
Retire. Then unretire. Then retire. Then sign a contract with the Minnesota Vikings.  

-Rob Machado
Hire a narrator that doesn’t put you to sleep if the Drifter II ever gets made.  

-Jordy Smith
Become the first surfer sponsored by Trojan condoms. Burn through the “lifetime supply” in one month.


Chris Ward–The Most Interesting Surfer in the World?

29 09 2009
Lost has of the best ads in the business. The Dos Equis spoof is shown here. “I do not always wear clothes, but when I do I prefer …Lost.

Lost has of the best advertisements in the business. The Dos Equis spoof is shown here. "I do not always wear clothes, but when I do I prefer …Lost."

It has been a tumultuous, Ogie Ogilthorpe-esque ride to the WCT for Chris Ward. He had a baby at 18, caused a major disturbance on a plane in Brazil not long after 9/11, when disturbances on planes might get you an extended stay at Gitmo. There were rolled rental cars, the parties and unhappy sponsors. And most recently, the bar brawl in Mammoth Lakes, California last year and the legal battle that ensued.

Last week at the Quiksilver Pro France, Chris Ward missed his first round heat. What us folks in the working world call a “no call no show.” No big deal, right? Live to fight another day. All that jazz. Rome wasn’t built in one session at Lower Trestles and it certainly wasn’t going to be built on a middling day at a French beachbreak. But, it gets better.

For his second round heat, which I affectingly call the Cash for Clunkers round, he showed up 15 minutes late, leaving Ben Dunn alone in the water staring back at the beach like the black guy in Caddyshack before getting run over by Rodney Dangerfield’s yacht. “Well, it definitely plays with your head,” Dunn said of Ward’s curious absence. “Wardo missed his Round 1 heat and I thought he was going to show up for today’s heat because I saw him yesterday, but he said he overslept or something.”

Then there’s the replay of the webcast. A solitary white jersey hangs in the competitors area, cascading in the wind like something you’d see in a trailer park clothesline on a summer day. You’d be hard pressed to find a better post heat interview. Something about oversleeping. I was half expecting him to ask Peter Mel “Hey dude. Where’d you get this Jaak-et?” Just moments earlier, he amassed a total heat score of 3.6. I think his blood-alcohol content level was higher than that in Mammoth last year. C’est bien.

The French prepare for Wardo's invasion.

The French prepare for Wardo's invasion.

Ben Dunn should be buying him beers and letting him screw his sister. Before France the “Doom-Bringer” was tittering on the edge of excommunication to the WQS. Dunn, now the 22nd ranked surfer on tour, with no result better that 17th this year (until now), may have just won a spot on tour for 2010 because of Wardo’s alarm clock. I’ll have not check with Guinness and Al Hunt but I believe that is a first. Meanwhile, Dunn made it to the quarterfinals—his best result by far.

Chris Ward was supposed to be the next Tom Curren. Or at the very least, the next Shane Beschen. He was featured in magazines at twelve years old. At 17, Gotcha signed him to a reported $450,000 contract. He was California’s heir to the world title. At least that’s what everyone said. But he never really hit his competitive stride until five years ago. After years of slogging away in the WQS slopfest he finally made his way on the WCT at 25 years old. Last year was his best to date. He peaked at Pipeline, the last event of the season, finishing second to Slater. It looked as if he would finally crack the top 10. But, after the 33rd at Les Bourdaines, he’s firmly planted in a regulation spot he might not climb out of. After the Peter Gibbons act in France, he tumbled to 35th.

When he’s on Wardo has proven he can surf with anyone, but unfortunately this may be Ward’s last year on tour. He appears to have the WCT-itis that has hit so many greats in the past. It’s time to buckle down and grow up son. We can’t take anymore two-to-the-beach circle jerks won by fast Mick Fanning. The tour needs you. One might even say it would be …lost without you.

Samuels Bails on for US Weekly

29 07 2009

No longer the most hated man in surfing

Editors Note: The following press release appeared in my email inbox this morning.

The most hated man in surfing, Lewis Samuels, announced today he will be leaving the helm at for an editorial position at US Weekly, the American-based celebrity gossip rag.

“Fuck yeah,” said a clearly excited Samuels. I’m ’bout to get paid! Shit is expensive up in Norcal. Microbrews, weed and kosher meat can get pricey. The Power Rankings are blowing up. We’re going to make the Maxim Top 100 look like the Christian Science Monitor.”

US Weekly Editor in Chief Janice Min is excited about the opportunity to work with Mr. Samuels, who gained international notoriety for being fired by earlier this year. The young wordsmith parlayed the situation into becoming the most talked about surf writer since Ben Marcus started punching people out. Min said he would receive an uncensored voice for the magazine that caters to women whose interests range from shopping to soy milk to breast implants.

“We’ll have him write power rankings for everything…celebrity couples, plastic surgeons, jewelry, Kelly Slater’s boards, high heels, Chris Ward’s knuckles, Hollywood boutiques, supermodels, massage parlors, cougars Jordy Smith is dating…everything. We have a pretty broad target audience.”

Samuels added, “I was basically bored and with the current state of the surf media and wanted a fresh start. US Weekly provides me that opportunity. Heck, the surf industry’s is filled with morons, imbeciles and near retards, so naturally, the transition will be smooth.”

Brazilian surfers are reportedly dancing in the streets of Rio after hearing the news. Jihad Khodr, a Brazilian ranked 33rd on the ASP tour couldn’t be happier. “It’s crazy down here in Brazil. This is bigger than Carnival. I haven’t seen Brazilian surf fans this happy since Neco Padaratz placed 3rd in Huntington a few years back.”

CJ Hobgood, the former world champion Floridian surfer, predicted the change months ago on thegoodss blog. “Shoot, I’m like the “Costadamus” of surfing…you know that dead guy who predicted Hitler and 9/11 and stuff. I’m so happy for ‘Perez Samuels.’ I hope he hooks Parko up with some celebrity poontang so he loses focus. Look out bastards! World Title number two is on the way!”