Samuels Bails on for US Weekly

29 07 2009

No longer the most hated man in surfing

Editors Note: The following press release appeared in my email inbox this morning.

The most hated man in surfing, Lewis Samuels, announced today he will be leaving the helm at for an editorial position at US Weekly, the American-based celebrity gossip rag.

“Fuck yeah,” said a clearly excited Samuels. I’m ’bout to get paid! Shit is expensive up in Norcal. Microbrews, weed and kosher meat can get pricey. The Power Rankings are blowing up. We’re going to make the Maxim Top 100 look like the Christian Science Monitor.”

US Weekly Editor in Chief Janice Min is excited about the opportunity to work with Mr. Samuels, who gained international notoriety for being fired by earlier this year. The young wordsmith parlayed the situation into becoming the most talked about surf writer since Ben Marcus started punching people out. Min said he would receive an uncensored voice for the magazine that caters to women whose interests range from shopping to soy milk to breast implants.

“We’ll have him write power rankings for everything…celebrity couples, plastic surgeons, jewelry, Kelly Slater’s boards, high heels, Chris Ward’s knuckles, Hollywood boutiques, supermodels, massage parlors, cougars Jordy Smith is dating…everything. We have a pretty broad target audience.”

Samuels added, “I was basically bored and with the current state of the surf media and wanted a fresh start. US Weekly provides me that opportunity. Heck, the surf industry’s is filled with morons, imbeciles and near retards, so naturally, the transition will be smooth.”

Brazilian surfers are reportedly dancing in the streets of Rio after hearing the news. Jihad Khodr, a Brazilian ranked 33rd on the ASP tour couldn’t be happier. “It’s crazy down here in Brazil. This is bigger than Carnival. I haven’t seen Brazilian surf fans this happy since Neco Padaratz placed 3rd in Huntington a few years back.”

CJ Hobgood, the former world champion Floridian surfer, predicted the change months ago on thegoodss blog. “Shoot, I’m like the “Costadamus” of surfing…you know that dead guy who predicted Hitler and 9/11 and stuff. I’m so happy for ‘Perez Samuels.’ I hope he hooks Parko up with some celebrity poontang so he loses focus. Look out bastards! World Title number two is on the way!”




One response

30 07 2009
Mike Sterling

I actually think that might work. I’m sure OP would advertise since they have a Hollywood surf team already.

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