Surfing’s Mitchell Report

6 08 2009

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When the Mitchell Report was released in 2007 it was bombshell for baseball. It is and was the stain on the soul of the sport. Steroid usage has dominated news coverage, tainted records and nearly ruined careers. When Congress got involved I nearly threw up. A politician trying to clean up sports is like a prostitute trying to bathe by walking through a drive-thru car wash. Sure, the hot wax may kill the crabs, but you’re still a fucking whore.

Surely surfing must be immune to performance enhancing drugs. Right? Well, don’t be so sure. Let’s look at some current surfers who are or may be juicing.

The Confirmed

Neco Padaratz
The Brazilian fire plug tested positive and was suspended by the ASP in 2005 for 6 months. Medical experts say ’roids cause shrinkage. He clearly showcased balls the size of coconuts after dropping in on Sunny at Pipe last year. Apparently, because he lives south of the Equator, steroids have a reverse effect on the testes. It’s like when you flush a toilet and the water goes in the opposite direction.

The Suspects

Tom Carroll
One does not develop thighs a Bulgarian weightlifter would be envious of by training alone. Very suspicious Tom. Those ham hocks could feed an Eskimo family for two consecutive winters. Years ago, at the OP Pro, I asked Tom for his autograph. As he scribbled his John Hancock, pen in hand, girls in bikinis hovering about, he looked up and said “Look at the tits on that one mate.” I was 12. Needless to say, Tom Carroll has always been one of my favorite surfers.

Rob Machado
“El Maniaco” Machado weighed about 75 pounds when he made the final of a PSAA event at Seaside Reef when he was just 14 years old. Now, he must tip the scales at a buck ‘o five. Call me crazy, but this is highly suspicious. You don’t just gain 30 pounds in 20 years by drinking organic milk and eating vegetables.

Mick Fanning
When he first qualified for the world tour he surfed like piece of angel hair pasta riding a plywood plank down a roller coaster. Now he looks like a piece of angel hair pasta with a gigantic meatball where his head should be. Is he on the juice? Probably not. But suspicious nevertheless.

Sunny Garcia
If I had to bet one of my kidneys on the surfer most likely to be using HGH, it would be Vincent Sennen Garcia. I kid Sunny. My run-ins with Sunny in the past have been nothing but cordial. I think he’s just a little misunderstood.

Laird Hamilton
This guy is ripped. And he has no fear. But let’s face it; his physique looks like Terrell Owens after a Michael Jackson-esque skin bleaching cycle with bronzer follow up. If I had the chutzpah to charge huge Chopes and Jaws like Laird, I’d probably buy needles in bulk from Costco too.

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ESPN Surfing’s Jake Howard
My theory is he’s not fat. He’s just juicing. Give the guy a break. If Barry Bonds was sheet white and wore a corn husk toupe he would look just like Jake Howard.

Taylor Knox
Taylor has perhaps the most polished style on tour, but he’s been on the ’CT for about 40 years. I think slavery was still legal during Taylor’s rookie season. You don’t have that kind of longevity without a little help. He’s also been known to hang out with former Padres pitcher Trevor Hoffman. Baseball players are bad influences. You do the math.

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Nugable Exclusive—Fox News Interviews Sunny Garcia

4 08 2009

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Fox News: Okay America. Today we have a special guest. Former world champion surfer Sunny Garcia. Thanks for joining us Sunny.

Sunny: Thank you for having me.

Fox News
: So Sunny. Why do you hate America?

Sunny: What makes you say that? I’m a proud American and a proud Hawaiian.

Fox News:
Are you really a United States citizen? We all know President Obama isn’t a citizen and you’re both from Hawaii. Heck, Obama is a surfer too. I’m beginning to see a pattern America. Can you produce a birth certificate Sunny?

Sunny: Are you fucking crazy, brah?

Fox News: Did President Obama offer you a cabinet position yet?

Sunny: The Obama cabinet? What are you talking about?

Fox News: Everyone knows there are only two qualifications for joining the Obama administration. You have to have a pulse and you have to be, well…creative with your taxes. God knows the President is going to raise the tax rates higher than the French system. Speaking of France. What all this I hear about the European invasion?

Sunny: You mean all the Europeans on the WCT this Year? I think it’s great as long as they respect the Hawaiians when they come over here.

Fox News: So it’s a real threat then? Are they more dangerous than North Korea? Should we start building bunkers and storing canned food and water?

Sunny: I thought we were going to talk about surfing.

Fox News: My producer tells me the Hawaiians have their own team at the ISA World Surfing Games? Why is that? Can’t they complete on the American side? Are they trying to secede from our great nation?

Sunny: Hawaii has always competed separately in surfing. We have a lot of talented surfers, and like I said, we are proud of our heritage.

Fox News: So you think you are too good for us? Like the Hollywood elite running around trying to tell us how to live our lives?

Sunny: Look buddy. I’m going to kick your fucking ass. You like beef?

Fox News: No sunny. We talk about beef, mad cow disease and swine flu in our next segment. Thanks Sunny. Next up… Fox News Investigates. Did Hawaiians bring swine flu to the mainland hidden in cans of Spam? And new scientific evidence suggests raw sewage is actually good for the oceans. And later we examine reports from archeologists who used carbon dating to test the age of Obama’s African birth certificate. Turns out his carbon footprint was a little messy. Stay tuned America. Fox News. We report. You decide.