The Top Fucking 5© 2010 WCT Rookies

5 02 2010

Dusty Payne is the first Maui surfer on the WCT. Photo: Childs

Winning the WQS is like being the best a plumber in the world. I guess it’s something to be proud of, but no one really cares. That being said, Daniel Ross won the WQS in 2009. But I can’t include Dan “The Plumber” in The Top Fucking 5© because he’s not really a rookie. This is his second attempt after a one-and-done 2008. With the new one-tier format starting next year he’s the penultimate WQS champ. Let’s look at the cream of the WQS crop.

5) Patrick Gudauskas
Pat narrowly missed the cut last year and his motivation propelled him into second place in the WQS ratings. His rodeo clown in the Maldives got a ton of press. Then all three Guduaski (I’m assuming the plural version is akin to Cacti) surfed the same heat at Sunset last month. Even Octomom was envious. This is what I wrote about the Gudauskas brothers a few months ago. “The Gudauskas brothers are everywhere. Just now I went to the fridge to grab a beer and one of them was parked right beside the hardened butter and eggs. The little fucker had his wetsuit on too. They are multiplying I tell you. On the seventh day God got so tired of producing the little miracles of joy that the Gudauski are, he needed to take a day off, kick off his Reef sandals and decompress.” Prepare to see more of them. Pat is part of the San Clemente trio that qualified for the WCT this year. Pat and Tanner Gudauskas, along with Nate Yeomans, might not be Athos, Porthos, and Aramis but the “all for one, one for all” credo might just give them a boost for their maiden Dream Tour voyage.

4) Matt Wilkinson
The Aussie goofyfoot told Stab Magazine earlier this year he had the ASP judges figured out and it looks like he was right. “They will give you a seven for one air reverse,” he said. “I thought, surely I can do two air reverses in 15 waves. Two sevens in a heat is all you need to beat someone who does backhand or forehand reos all contest. You’d have to be retarded to fail to do two air reverses in 15 waves.” Matt has reverses wired but he’s going to have to mix it up to compete with the elite. He can go either way, He might blow up or he might struggle. If he puts together a good showing at Snapper and Bells he just might be a darkhorse candidate for Rookie of the Year.

3) Brett Simpson
Brett comes from a long line of talented Huntington Beach surfers that seem to fizzle out like candle at the Playboy mansion’s grotto on fat girl night. When they hit the world stage something happens. Most don’t even make it this far. Brett peaked at the US Open last year. Speaking of HB, last week the Huntington Beach City Council introduced a measure aimed to outlaw beer pong. I’m serious. But Simpo is part of the new Huntington…clean cut, progressive. But I’m a sucker for the seedy side. The side that would charge 15-foot Pipe and Chopes then down a few Hinanos in the channel between heats. It might take a few years, but he’ll find his rhythm and embrace the dark side of Surf City.

2) Dusty Payne
What’s this? A Volcom surfer on the WCT? Seeing more than two Volcom surfers on tour is like seeing more than two Indians together off the reservation. It never happens. Except Indian casinos. The 21-year-old from Maui replaced fellow Volcom Stoner Bruce Irons and qualified for the ’CT on his on his first attempt. He just might be the best of the lot and if you’re going to gamble on Rookie of the Year, he’d be a solid bet. With the new, one-tier ranking system even Dusty is in the dark. “Guys on the tour have no idea how it works,” he said during the Volcom Pipeline Pro. I predict Dusty will make the cut and finish in the high teens this year. However, the over/under on the amount of times web announcers utter the phrase “Maui Wowie” is exactly 420.

1) Owen Wright
Editor’s Note: I asked the infamous Enoch Ward (AKA Blasphemy Rottmouth, AKA Ol’ Dirty Bastard, AKA ♂ ) to tackle Owen’s segment.
Dear Owen Wright,
I congratulate you on being the only surfer on earth that prays each night to his Laird and Savior for ALL of his heats to be against Kelly Slater. Luckily you never pearl because your nose acts as a tri-pod anytime your thorax bends in excess of 13 degrees forward. I don’t mean to poke fun at something only the Good Laird or an inebriated plastic surgeon in Tijuana can fix… but good god man! That nose would cause a continually-lying proboscis monkey named Pinocchio to blush with envy. I halfway expect there to be 74 smaller noses in your left nostril alone. Do your boogers come with training wheels on them? If Larry King grew his frosted tips out, shed his glasses, and donned a Rip Curl rubber, then you’ve found your stunt double for Kai Neville’s next rumored project: ‘Modern Colonoscopy II: Bare-Back Mountin’ with Dion Agius and some of his Special Friends.’ In summary, keep the sacred words of Alfredo Villas-Boas near and dear to your heart as you paddle out for your first heat at Snapper: “On my surfboard I am grounded like cement on my feet.” Peace and good tidings.

Always and forever,
Enoch Ward

Rookie of the year favorite Owen Wright. Photo: ASP/Warbrick





Surfing Prophecies for 2010

7 01 2010

Michel de Nostredame, also known as Nostradamus, was born in 1503 and was a French apothecary and reputed seer whose prophecies have been analysed and debated for centuries. Many give him credit for predicting the rise of Hitler and Napoleon, 9/11, both world wars, and the nuclear destruction of Hiroshima and Nagasaki.

Like most seers, Nostradamus was vague in his writings. His “success” was essentially based on misinterpretation and his reputation as a prophet is largely manufactured by modern-day supporters. Well, I don’t play that game. I’m a little more direct. I tell it like it is.

The Surfing Prophecies for 2010 are as follows:

-The Rebel Tour will not get off the ground in 2010. It will be shut down like Robert E. Lee at Gettysburg.

-CJ Hobgood will enroll in night school classes and learn to read and write. Sadly, all this new knowledge won’t make him any more interesting.

-The ASP will finally have a legitimate all-star event. Why not? Every major sport has one. And I’m not talking about a contest like the WPS All Stars held at Huntington during the U.S. Open. Half of the field consisted of Hurley surfers. That was a joke really. Do it right. Take the top 10 and have an online vote for an additional six surfers and send them to Tavarua or the Mentawais.

-Dane Reynolds will win his first WCT event in 2010 and finish in the top 5 in the final rankings. It might be at the Gold Coast or Bells, but it will most likely be at Trestles. He will also write a book titled “Playing the ASP Drunk Like a Percussion Instrument Until the Fingers Begin to Bleed a Bit.”

-Kelly Slater will not win his 10th world title. In fact, he won’t compete full-time. I put the over/under on the number of WCT contests he surfs at 4.5.

 -Joel Parkinson will win the ASP World Championship. Mick Fanning will finish second and Bede Durbidge will drop out of the top 5 but stay in the top 10. After the one-year layoff, Andy Irons will struggle to stay in the top 32 but just make the cut. Owen Wright will not only win rookie of the year, but he’ll finish in the top 12. Out of the 15 WQS qualifiers only Dusty Payne, Brett Simpson and Wright will make the cut.

-Being conservative will be the norm rather than progression. With less spots on the CT (32 instead of 44) risk taking will take a back seat.

-A wetsuit manufacturer will finally realize it might be a good idea to make booties in half sizes.

– …Lost will sign Tiger Woods and the guy you buy weed from.

Surfer Magazine will only publish six stories about Miki Dora this year.

 -Vans will send out a press release to announce the first billion-dollar surf contest. Of course the “contest” will take place over the course of 20 North Shore winters.

 -The words El Nino will be written 1 billion times and hype about a “40-year swell” will hit in March. It will be slightly smaller than the February “40-year swell.”

 -Another major surf magazine’s parent company will file for bankruptcy. That same surf mag will contact Nugable about advertising opportunities.

-The yet-to-be-released 2011 Billabong team video Filthier Than Ever will win an AVN and the 2010 Surfer Poll’s best video award.

 -There will be more than 5 surfers in the top 32 without a major clothing sponsor by year’s end.

-ESPN’s surf blog will hire four additional writers. It will still suck.

 -And finally, Jamie O’Brien’s upcoming film Who is Job will change the way we look at surf films.





New Year’s Resolutions for ASP Surfers

30 12 2009

Dance? No, I said you look fat in those pants. Jordy Smith and newly-crowned champ Mick Fanning celebrate the end of another ASP season.

Being the muckraking “journalist” I am I try keep my nose clean and my ear to the ground. OK, who am I kidding? My nose is dirtier than a gas station’s toilet seat. Regardless, I had the distinct pleasure of intercepting the New Year’s resolutions of the best surfers in the world.  

-Kelly Slater
Read the memoirs of famous rebels Robert E. Lee, George Washington and Poncho Villa. Win 10th title on an Alaia.  

-Mick Fanning
Legally change name to Damien Hardman II.  

-Jamie O’Brien
Win all contests he enters on just one wave instead of two. Get sponsored by Zippo lighters for daily burnings of the ASP rule book.  

-Dane Reynolds
Win a fucking contest.  

-Tim Boal
Win a fucking heat.  

 -Joel Parkinson
Have doctors genetically alter his ankles with Hillary Clinton’s canckles. That way he’ll never injure them again.   

-Chris Ward
Make it on time to all his heats court appearances.   

 -CJ Hobgood
Knock out the next punk that calls him Damien.  

-Bede Durbidge
Try to conceal the shit-eating grin from his face every time he cashes that motocross company’s check.  

-Dusty Payne
Change name to Dirk Diggler so it sounds less like a porn star.  

-Adriano de Souza
Finally quit day job as a midget rodeo clown. Then seal the clown car doors so no more Brazilians make it on the ASP tour.  

-Taylor Knox
Retire. Then unretire. Then retire. Then sign a contract with the Minnesota Vikings.  

-Rob Machado
Hire a narrator that doesn’t put you to sleep if the Drifter II ever gets made.  

-Jordy Smith
Become the first surfer sponsored by Trojan condoms. Burn through the “lifetime supply” in one month.





Holy Gudauskas!

7 12 2009

Two thirds of the Gudaukas power trio are in for 2010.

By now you know Joel Parkinson won the O’Neill World Cup yesterday at Sunset Beach. It was a nice little precursor to the impending world title showdown at Pipeline as Parko took down Sunny Garcia, Mick Fanning and Dusty Payne. It was the last WQS contest of 2009.

The final 15 ASP WQS qualifiers for the 2010 World Tour are:

Ross, Daniel (AUS)
Gudauskas, Patrick (USA)
Andre, Jadson (BRA)
Melling, Adam (AUS)
Wright, Owen (AUS)
Munro, Luke (AUS)
Thompson, Jay (AUS)
Yeomans, Nathan (USA)
Payne, Dusty (HAW)
Simpson, Brett (USA)
Wilkinson, Matt (AUS)
Gudauskas, Tanner (USA)
Logie, Travis (ZAF)
Polo, Marco (BRA)
Thornton, Blake (AUS)

Notable Nuggets:
California is well represented with the Gudauskas brothers, Brett Simpson and Nate Yeomans.

Brett Simpson joins fellow Huntington Beach surfer Timmy Reyes.

Dusty Payne becomes the first Maui surfer of qualify for the WCT. Additionally, half of the Modern Collective is now on tour.

Aussies continue their dominance on tour with nearly half of the rookie class.

Travis Logie rejoins the tour and joins Jordy Smith as the only other surfer from South Africa for 2010.

Owen Wright and Dusty Payne might become the most talked about rookies since Dane Reynolds and Jordy Smith.

And finally, with renewed optimism the Rebel Tour will debut in 2010, there are several surfers on the cusp of qualification that may gain entry to the Dream Tour due to fallout.





Q&A with Modern Collective Director Kai Neville

30 11 2009

Years from now we might look back and say Kai Neville is the man who changed surfing. His film, Modern Collective, may be the vehicle that propels a new generation of surfers to heights that seemed unimaginable 10 years ago. After completing a trek across the U.S. two weeks ago, he’s is back in Australia after premiering the film across his home continent. Kai talks to Nugable about the process of making the film, Jordy Smith’s performance, his liver and ASP judges.—Nug

So you are back in Australia after premiering Modern Collective across the States. How did that go?
Couldn’t have gone any better. I organized the L.A. premiere so things were pretty wild right up to the first screening. After the bass dropped and the movie played through we jumped straight on the party program. Me and the boys went to around five premieres over the next week. It was non stop. All the crowds were hooting and that made us psyched so we watched the movie right through around eight times. Good to be home now… the liver needed some rest.

What goals did you have in the process of making this film and did you accomplish them?
I just wanted to showcase how these guys actually surf. What you see is what you get. We would film a session and try keep the continuity from start to finish in the edit. I love making surf films and wanted to make Modern Collective still amping by nature with an enjoyable location feel. No interviews or anything too setup (except the intro titles). Pretty much just cruise with the boys and document this unique group.

Everybody seems to be really enjoying the film. Especially the kids. Is that the true test?
I’m stoked to hear everyone is enjoying it. Youth is the target audience. I want to get them amped. Hopefully the next crop will feed off these guys and just try ridiculous shit. You hear some of the older crew complaining there is too many airs… but they should know that’s what we are about. Rocking up to some beachie and just trying the biggest punts. If you want to see perfect barrels don’t watch this movie. There are a few nice pits but riding the tube isn’t exactly something new in surfing.

When did you become interested in filmmaking?
At around 15 I started taking film class at school and eventually combined film with my love for surfing.

Surfing’s Travis Ferre called you the Guy Ritchie of surfing. I may be way off base but I thought I saw some Coppola influence. What filmmakers do you look up to?
(Laughs) That is pretty rad. I just see myself as a surf filmmaker. If people see some technical aspects that may relate to the likes of Ritchie and Coppola that’s cool. Obviously Lockstock and Snatch have been an influence, the editing especially. I like the films of Sofia Coppola, David Fincher, Terrence Malick, Wes Anderson, Tarantino to name a few.

The opening sequence and the editing were fantastic. The music was eclectic and fitting. Do you consider yourself an auteur?
I filmed, edited, directed the soundtrack basically covered all aspects of the film, so I guess in some ways I could be considered an auteur.

I was amazed by Jordy’s surfing in the film. Some are calling it the best performance in a surf film ever. Thoughts?
Best performance I have seen this year. He is going loony!

How involved in the filmmaking process were the surfers? Did Jordy, Mitch, Dion, Dane, and the boys give you a lot of feedback?
I tried to get them involved as much as I could… locations, angles, music. I would send edits over the web to try get feedback from the boys. Hard to get feedback though as the guys are so busy. Wave selection is key. I don’t want to use something in the movie they aren’t happy with.

I imagine every kid with a surfboard will now be hucking and spinning after seeing MC. Should they send doctor’s bills for broken ankles to you or Jordy?
(laughs) Yeah get out and punt… send bills to Jordy though, not me.

Will Modern Collective change surfing?
I hope so. I really want to paddle out and see groms trying crazy shit.

Can you do surf fans across the world a favor and send a copy of the film to all of the ASP judges?
They can’t tell a reverse from a rodeo. They should really study new moves… also the commentators. I piss my pants with some of the names they throw around on the webcast.

Are you working on a follow up?
Not right now, but something might drop in the distant future.

Modern Collective is available now on iTunes for just $8.99.





For Your Viewing Pleasure: Julian Wilson

25 09 2009

The following webisode is a snippet of the yet-to-be-released Scratching the Surface. It’s an Irons Brothers production featuring Julian Wilson as the protagonist with a little Dane, Dusty and Taj thrown in for good measure. Today I’m licking Julian’s stamp and mailing it in. Wait, that didn’t come out right. Enjoy the weekend you bastards. And get in the water.–Nug