Surfing Prophecies for 2010

Michel de Nostredame, also known as Nostradamus, was born in 1503 and was a French apothecary and reputed seer whose prophecies have been analysed and debated for centuries. Many give him credit for predicting the rise of Hitler and Napoleon, 9/11, both world wars, and the nuclear destruction of Hiroshima and Nagasaki.

Like most seers, Nostradamus was vague in his writings. His “success” was essentially based on misinterpretation and his reputation as a prophet is largely manufactured by modern-day supporters. Well, I don’t play that game. I’m a little more direct. I tell it like it is.

The Surfing Prophecies for 2010 are as follows:

-The Rebel Tour will not get off the ground in 2010. It will be shut down like Robert E. Lee at Gettysburg.

-CJ Hobgood will enroll in night school classes and learn to read and write. Sadly, all this new knowledge won’t make him any more interesting.

-The ASP will finally have a legitimate all-star event. Why not? Every major sport has one. And I’m not talking about a contest like the WPS All Stars held at Huntington during the U.S. Open. Half of the field consisted of Hurley surfers. That was a joke really. Do it right. Take the top 10 and have an online vote for an additional six surfers and send them to Tavarua or the Mentawais.

-Dane Reynolds will win his first WCT event in 2010 and finish in the top 5 in the final rankings. It might be at the Gold Coast or Bells, but it will most likely be at Trestles. He will also write a book titled “Playing the ASP Drunk Like a Percussion Instrument Until the Fingers Begin to Bleed a Bit.”

-Kelly Slater will not win his 10th world title. In fact, he won’t compete full-time. I put the over/under on the number of WCT contests he surfs at 4.5.

 -Joel Parkinson will win the ASP World Championship. Mick Fanning will finish second and Bede Durbidge will drop out of the top 5 but stay in the top 10. After the one-year layoff, Andy Irons will struggle to stay in the top 32 but just make the cut. Owen Wright will not only win rookie of the year, but he’ll finish in the top 12. Out of the 15 WQS qualifiers only Dusty Payne, Brett Simpson and Wright will make the cut.

-Being conservative will be the norm rather than progression. With less spots on the CT (32 instead of 44) risk taking will take a back seat.

-A wetsuit manufacturer will finally realize it might be a good idea to make booties in half sizes.

– …Lost will sign Tiger Woods and the guy you buy weed from.

– Surfer Magazine will only publish six stories about Miki Dora this year.

 -Vans will send out a press release to announce the first billion-dollar surf contest. Of course the “contest” will take place over the course of 20 North Shore winters.

 -The words El Nino will be written 1 billion times and hype about a “40-year swell” will hit in March. It will be slightly smaller than the February “40-year swell.”

 -Another major surf magazine’s parent company will file for bankruptcy. That same surf mag will contact Nugable about advertising opportunities.

-The yet-to-be-released 2011 Billabong team video Filthier Than Ever will win an AVN and the 2010 Surfer Poll’s best video award.

 -There will be more than 5 surfers in the top 32 without a major clothing sponsor by year’s end.

-ESPN’s surf blog will hire four additional writers. It will still suck.

 -And finally, Jamie O’Brien’s upcoming film Who is Job will change the way we look at surf films.

What Really Went Wrong

“My parents didn’t like me watching that shit.”
—Dane Reynolds referring to the …Lost videos

…Lost is a surf company that, quite frankly, gets “it.” They get the fact surfers are not always squeaky clean role models. They get that surfers like to have fun, party and cause chaos on occasion. They get the seedy element of surfing. The do not hide from it. Rather than attempt to conceal it, …Lost celebrates the dark side of the sport. This is the final trailer for their most recent video—What Really Went Wong. Enjoy.

One Minute in Heaven

This is the barrel that won the Surfer Poll. It is Cory Lopez at “that Africa left” in 5’5″ x 19 1/4 Redux. You have most likely seen it. It deserves another look. And another. Thank you sir, may I have another?

I’ve had sexual experiences shorter than this.

Chris Ward–The Most Interesting Surfer in the World?

Lost has of the best advertisements in the business. The Dos Equis spoof is shown here. "I do not always wear clothes, but when I do I prefer …Lost."

It has been a tumultuous, Ogie Ogilthorpe-esque ride to the WCT for Chris Ward. He had a baby at 18, caused a major disturbance on a plane in Brazil not long after 9/11, when disturbances on planes might get you an extended stay at Gitmo. There were rolled rental cars, the parties and unhappy sponsors. And most recently, the bar brawl in Mammoth Lakes, California last year and the legal battle that ensued.

Last week at the Quiksilver Pro France, Chris Ward missed his first round heat. What us folks in the working world call a “no call no show.” No big deal, right? Live to fight another day. All that jazz. Rome wasn’t built in one session at Lower Trestles and it certainly wasn’t going to be built on a middling day at a French beachbreak. But, it gets better.

For his second round heat, which I affectingly call the Cash for Clunkers round, he showed up 15 minutes late, leaving Ben Dunn alone in the water staring back at the beach like the black guy in Caddyshack before getting run over by Rodney Dangerfield’s yacht. “Well, it definitely plays with your head,” Dunn said of Ward’s curious absence. “Wardo missed his Round 1 heat and I thought he was going to show up for today’s heat because I saw him yesterday, but he said he overslept or something.”

Then there’s the replay of the webcast. A solitary white jersey hangs in the competitors area, cascading in the wind like something you’d see in a trailer park clothesline on a summer day. You’d be hard pressed to find a better post heat interview. Something about oversleeping. I was half expecting him to ask Peter Mel “Hey dude. Where’d you get this Jaak-et?” Just moments earlier, he amassed a total heat score of 3.6. I think his blood-alcohol content level was higher than that in Mammoth last year. C’est bien.

The French prepare for Wardo's invasion.

Ben Dunn should be buying him beers and letting him screw his sister. Before France the “Doom-Bringer” was tittering on the edge of excommunication to the WQS. Dunn, now the 22nd ranked surfer on tour, with no result better that 17th this year (until now), may have just won a spot on tour for 2010 because of Wardo’s alarm clock. I’ll have not check with Guinness and Al Hunt but I believe that is a first. Meanwhile, Dunn made it to the quarterfinals—his best result by far.

Chris Ward was supposed to be the next Tom Curren. Or at the very least, the next Shane Beschen. He was featured in magazines at twelve years old. At 17, Gotcha signed him to a reported $450,000 contract. He was California’s heir to the world title. At least that’s what everyone said. But he never really hit his competitive stride until five years ago. After years of slogging away in the WQS slopfest he finally made his way on the WCT at 25 years old. Last year was his best to date. He peaked at Pipeline, the last event of the season, finishing second to Slater. It looked as if he would finally crack the top 10. But, after the 33rd at Les Bourdaines, he’s firmly planted in a regulation spot he might not climb out of. After the Peter Gibbons act in France, he tumbled to 35th.

When he’s on Wardo has proven he can surf with anyone, but unfortunately this may be Ward’s last year on tour. He appears to have the WCT-itis that has hit so many greats in the past. It’s time to buckle down and grow up son. We can’t take anymore two-to-the-beach circle jerks won by fast Mick Fanning. The tour needs you. One might even say it would be …lost without you.