Surfing Prophecies for 2010

7 01 2010

Michel de Nostredame, also known as Nostradamus, was born in 1503 and was a French apothecary and reputed seer whose prophecies have been analysed and debated for centuries. Many give him credit for predicting the rise of Hitler and Napoleon, 9/11, both world wars, and the nuclear destruction of Hiroshima and Nagasaki.

Like most seers, Nostradamus was vague in his writings. His “success” was essentially based on misinterpretation and his reputation as a prophet is largely manufactured by modern-day supporters. Well, I don’t play that game. I’m a little more direct. I tell it like it is.

The Surfing Prophecies for 2010 are as follows:

-The Rebel Tour will not get off the ground in 2010. It will be shut down like Robert E. Lee at Gettysburg.

-CJ Hobgood will enroll in night school classes and learn to read and write. Sadly, all this new knowledge won’t make him any more interesting.

-The ASP will finally have a legitimate all-star event. Why not? Every major sport has one. And I’m not talking about a contest like the WPS All Stars held at Huntington during the U.S. Open. Half of the field consisted of Hurley surfers. That was a joke really. Do it right. Take the top 10 and have an online vote for an additional six surfers and send them to Tavarua or the Mentawais.

-Dane Reynolds will win his first WCT event in 2010 and finish in the top 5 in the final rankings. It might be at the Gold Coast or Bells, but it will most likely be at Trestles. He will also write a book titled “Playing the ASP Drunk Like a Percussion Instrument Until the Fingers Begin to Bleed a Bit.”

-Kelly Slater will not win his 10th world title. In fact, he won’t compete full-time. I put the over/under on the number of WCT contests he surfs at 4.5.

 -Joel Parkinson will win the ASP World Championship. Mick Fanning will finish second and Bede Durbidge will drop out of the top 5 but stay in the top 10. After the one-year layoff, Andy Irons will struggle to stay in the top 32 but just make the cut. Owen Wright will not only win rookie of the year, but he’ll finish in the top 12. Out of the 15 WQS qualifiers only Dusty Payne, Brett Simpson and Wright will make the cut.

-Being conservative will be the norm rather than progression. With less spots on the CT (32 instead of 44) risk taking will take a back seat.

-A wetsuit manufacturer will finally realize it might be a good idea to make booties in half sizes.

– …Lost will sign Tiger Woods and the guy you buy weed from.

Surfer Magazine will only publish six stories about Miki Dora this year.

 -Vans will send out a press release to announce the first billion-dollar surf contest. Of course the “contest” will take place over the course of 20 North Shore winters.

 -The words El Nino will be written 1 billion times and hype about a “40-year swell” will hit in March. It will be slightly smaller than the February “40-year swell.”

 -Another major surf magazine’s parent company will file for bankruptcy. That same surf mag will contact Nugable about advertising opportunities.

-The yet-to-be-released 2011 Billabong team video Filthier Than Ever will win an AVN and the 2010 Surfer Poll’s best video award.

 -There will be more than 5 surfers in the top 32 without a major clothing sponsor by year’s end.

-ESPN’s surf blog will hire four additional writers. It will still suck.

 -And finally, Jamie O’Brien’s upcoming film Who is Job will change the way we look at surf films.

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49 responses

7 01 2010
Murph

Interesting. The all star thing is a good idea. Curious to see some of Rottmouth’s predictions.

7 01 2010
Mike

Nugstadamas is quite prophetic.

Andy won because he had a fire in a brief period where Kelly was trying to light up again. He won’t find the switch to turn it on… marriage and fat “retirement” paychecks have softened him and his mid section. Billabong will push him back on tour, but he’ll pull a Bruce after a few 17th’s.

Joel P won’t win either, no fire and too submissive of the machine (fanning). Think Mob and Kelly. The whole show is as stale as Jamon Bagle’s attempt at dinner. Perfect year for a one year wonder as the new, disjointed tour will offer no momentum building.

Look for a surprise, formula surfer to remain steady throughout and win the title with a portfolio of 3 place finishes. Bede Durbige.

7 01 2010
Todd The Bod

SurferING Magazine will be the most kickass magazine on earth. Half will be all youthful and progressive, the second half (flip the magazine over) will be all soulful and irie—kids and dads will read it together. There website will be called Surfline, i predict this is already happening as they are already sharing an office and combining staffs.

7 01 2010
Mike

@Todd… why not, they’ve been sisters this long, why not lesbians.

From Mikestradamus… 2nd fiscal quarter this year will have another economic collapse that will eclipse the Sept. 08 debacle. Re inflating a bubble without addressing the hole that caused it will be disastrous.

On the bright side boys, if you are liquid, you will be positioned to enter the real estate market at prices resembling decades long gone. The next foreclosure wave is right on schedule.

7 01 2010
Someone

Funny. Mike predicted late September 2009 as the time for economic collapse back in July 2009.

Do we have to go back in the post surf archives to call bullshit on your predictions?

I’m just sayin.

7 01 2010
Mark's Cousin Eddie

Mark will comment about politics for the 1000th time on this blog and a tree will fall in the forest killing Ann Coulter. Because she is an anorexic airhead, it will not make a sound.

7 01 2010
Blasphemy Rottmouth

That was a good read. But to Murph’s point, I am not much of a Seer. More importantly, I don’t have a cool name like Nugstradamus. Although, BlasTiresias Rottmus has a touching ring to it, if I don’t say so myself.

My oracles are telling me that Lewis Samuels will admit to being the lead singer for Weezer the last ten years; Jamie O’Brien will finally relent to Chas Smith’s relentless requests to examine his prostate with the knuckle on his ring finger; Derek Reilly will be jealous of Chas; Mike’s story about a Mex trip back in the days o’ yore will be optioned by Jerry Bruckheimer and will include 218 explosions and a left-handed Federale named Pancho; Mark will move to the Bush ranch in Texas and spend weekends SUPing the wakes of Supertankers in the gulf; and Kelly WILL win his tenth title before dumping his underage girlfriend so he can date the embryo of Tom Brady and Büttchin’s second child.

I had better stop there, my oracles are itchy and slightly swollen.

7 01 2010
Marks evil twin Kram

I, Mark’s evil twin Kramostradomos, predict that Texas will dominate Alabama tonight and my brother will break down in a pitiful display of drunken poor loser-itis.

Why? Because I am evil.

7 01 2010
Marks dog Eddie

Bark bark, Uncle Kram, can I stay at your house tonight?, bark cough bark.

7 01 2010
Jamon Bagel

Mike, I have not, have never, and will not ever attempt dinner. Dinner is for chumps, pot roasts and soggy burritos. Breakfast, man, that’s where it’s at.

Slater in a landslide, as he tires of his nubile newbie and puts his root chakra back into surfing.

Parko finally releases his rage, using newfound boxing skills to give White Lightning an old fashioned bare knuckle beatdown. Luckily Fanning’s recovery time, being maximized by the latest neutraceutical and training technologies, allows him to recover in time to edge out an “exhausted” Dane Reynolds for third place overall.

Jordy ends up marrying Russell Brand and, upon sobering up, says, “No effin way this dude was a dude last night.”

Mike makes so much money in foreclosed real estate that he out Buffets Buffet, first buying all the surf companies and then ESPN itself, thus setting the stage for the All Star 4-Events-with-3-Month-Waiting-Periods Dream Tour. The Nugable crowd has mixed opinions on this development.

BR ends up in the sex offender registry for a record third time. He thinks his photo makes him look fat.

Oh, and BR, you’re right about Mark SUPing the supertanker wakes.

7 01 2010
fla

By shitty espn writers are referring to Zander morton????

7 01 2010
Mike

Man its nice having breakfast again…

7 01 2010
Ralph Brew Swiller

Not much else will matter when global warming kicks in and I am trunking it in Tofino by next Christmas.

Oh wait… whats that? Coldest winter since 1977? Controversial emails regarding ” misinformation ” from ” respected global climatologists”?

Oh well. Guess I’ll have to settle for another year of collecting firewood during flat spells and shaving my girlfriends back while my 5/4 dries out.

7 01 2010
Mike

Trunking Tofino and shaving girlfriends backs… wow.

7 01 2010
Da Peanut Gallery

Wow… Three comment of the week contenders in a furious 3 hour flurry on a Thursday morning.

B.R., Jamon bagel and Ralph Brew Swiller gettin after it!

All we need now is for Stu to return from his 4 month fast in the desert and this blog could be a contendah.

7 01 2010
Jamon Bagel

Word is Stu choked to death on some buffalo jerky that he’d stashed in his man purse.

7 01 2010
Mike

Hey peanut… gallery Get on the road Callibammy, the traffic in Pasadena is a bitch and kickoff is in 3 hours.

Go Tide!

7 01 2010
George Costanza

“Thats a European mens carry all to you, breakfast hog”

7 01 2010
The Nug

@Mark et al
The game tonight essentially decides the bridesmaid. Boise State is the true national champ.

7 01 2010
Mike

Sorry Nug, Boise State looked entirely beatable by a very pedestrian TCU.

Bama or the longhorns would have stuffed it down their throats.

Mark will be a bride tonight…

7 01 2010
Blasphemy Rottmouth

Not giving a rabid badger’s fuck about football, I’m left to wonder why so many here are so excited to watch an overpaid, fully grown man who makes a living running after a fucking ball. Toddlers do it for free and have less tantrums. Yeah I’m lookin’ at you Jeff Reed / Michael Vick / Tiger Woods / O.J. Simpson / Babe Ruth / Axel Rod / John McEnroe / Dennis Rodman etc… ad nauseum. If civilized society ended next month, as Mike continually insists it will, these beef log’s worth would be realigned from above heads-of-state pay grade, to two-legged mule and fire log gatherers.

Having said that…….Hook ‘em horns!

7 01 2010
Blasphemy Rottmouth

And before you say, “hey, they don’t get paid at the collegiate level” – I say, “bitch please. What rock you been hidin’ under the last twenty years.”

7 01 2010
Mark

With all due respect Nug and it really pains me to say this but………..

FUCK YOU BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

7 01 2010
Mark

Blasphemy Rottmouth doesn’t like football?

That explains a lot right there.

7 01 2010
Mike

should be paid Rott, each and every one of them dudes.

Went on a trip with a buddy who played wide receiver for UCLA. He never saw the field during a game, but “practices” were very competitive. Dude couldn’t get out of bed each morning without an amazing amount of pharma’s.

” I was in 8 car crashes a day for four football seasons “.

Kinda explained his surfing in one sentence.

7 01 2010
The Nug

In eight grade geography I learned Texas’ cheif exports are steers and queers.

That being said.
‘Bama wins 24-14

7 01 2010
Todd The Bod

College football is gay. I never even went to college. Thereore college is gay too.

7 01 2010
Nick Saban

Thanks for the support guys.

@Todd the Rod-

It’s quite obvious you never went to college and you are gay. I have a nice circuit breaker room I’d like to put you in

7 01 2010
The Nug

@Todd

Bingo! If a guy named Todd the Bod doesn’t know gay, I don’t know who does.

7 01 2010
Marks dog Eddie

bark bark, maybe it’s Nick Saban who is gay…look how he finishes Todds full name, bark cough bark wheeze

BArk bark, projection anyone? cough cough bark

7 01 2010
Colt McCoy

Owwwwww!….GODDAMMIT!

7 01 2010
Taj's Burro

Dane won’t win a contest this year.

Brett Simpson will be cut.

The Kelly Tour will come to fruition.

Pirates will become even more popular. The now retired Chris Ward will join the band. And going forward, all music will sound like the Barbarellatones.

That She Blows.

7 01 2010
Jamon Bagel

Didn’t know ESPN had a surf blog.

Checked it out.

Wish I still didn’t know ESPN had a surf blog.

7 01 2010
Mike

Nugstadamus it is, Alabama 24, Texas 13…

7 01 2010
Jamon Bagel

…or is it?

24-21 with 3 minutes to go….

7 01 2010
Nick Saban

Damn, you assholes didn’t have to give me the full bucket to the skull…

7 01 2010
Mark

Not how I wanted to win a national championship but I’ll take it.

Best part of the entire night was Colt Mccoys speech after the game.

Congratulations on a great career Colt! I will be rooting for you in the NFL!

Also great speeches by Saban and my man Mark Ingramm. Bama is Back!

7 01 2010
Ralph Brew Swiller

Whats up eh?

Now that American College Football is over let’s start blogging about those Vancouver Canucks!

Take off!!!

7 01 2010
Mario Van Peebles Jr.

I am sorry dude’s, but I just can’t avoid talking about the BCS after tonight’s limp finish. Let me get to the crux of the matter: The BCS’s primary goal is to sanctify its depravity. All of its other objectives are secondary to this one supreme purpose. That’s why you must always remember that the BCS system is absolutely determined to believe that children don’t need as much psychological attentiveness, protection, and obedience training as the treasured household pet, and it’s not about to let facts or reason get in its way. Think: concussions and compensation as Mike eloquently put forth earlier. It’s precisely because The BCS system’s hypocrisy has reached a new low that they have two imperatives. The first is to pooh-pooh the concerns of others. The second imperative is to clear-cut ancient forest lands.

It may be obvious but should nonetheless be acknowledged that the BCS boondoggler intimates avouch that space aliens are out to lay eggs in our innards or ooze their alien hell-slime all over us. True fuckin’ story. Ask Mark’s beloved mother. This is precisely the non-equation that the BCS system is trying to patch together. What it is missing, as usual, is that it seeks scapegoats for its own shortcomings by blaming the easiest target it can find, that is, prissy misers.

When I state that those who run the BCS system have an uncanny ability to utterly miss the point of any given issue, I’m merely trying to condemn – without hesitation, and without remorse – all those who encourage young people to break all the rules, cut themselves loose from their roots, and adopt an unreasonable, shambolic lifestyle. If these Bowl organizers were to get their hands on the levers of power it’d immediately besmirch the memory of some genuine historic figures. Like Nathaniel Curren. If you don’t believe me then consider that the conflation of coprophagous geeks and malicious, patronizing proponents of negativism in its contrivances is either dramatic hyperbole or a fatal methodological flaw. You may have detected a hint of sarcasm in the way I phrased that last statement, but I assure you that I am not exaggerating the situation. I could be wrong about any or all of this, but at the moment, the above fits what I know of history, people, and current conditions.

If anyone sees anything wrong or has some new facts or theories on this, I’d love to hear about them.

Then, I would rap their swollen knuckles with a ruler and mean out several severe lashes.

Word.

7 01 2010
Marvelous Marvin Albert

Eeegghhkk. What an ugly game tonight. And these were the best teams? Maybe Nugstradamus was right about Boise State.

Alabama is now Undefeated. Just like Boise State. But the media says Alabama is our champion. This includes Alabama’s impressive wins over: Florida International University, North Texas, and Chattanooga. I believe those three teams may field at least four players amongst them that could successfully hike the ball to a Division I quarterback.

Boise State punched Oklahoma in the mouth a couple of years ago, but plays in a conference that is widely considered weak, yet consistently spanks PAC-10 schools.

What a rub.

I’m hungry.

(And trying to figure out how to pay off various gambling debts wagered whilst under the influence of a certain martini.)

7 01 2010
Blasphemy Rottmouth

I hope Ralph and Jim the Bod take Mario’s word’s to heart. It would make them stronger individuals in the long run.

7 01 2010
Blasphemy Rottmouth

And by ‘Jim,’ I mean Steve.

errr… Lamont. Or… Alexander. No… Phillip.

OH!!!!

Todd.

8 01 2010
Oscar

CJ is boring? That comment is proof he does a good job maintaining his image in the surfer fan community. He’s had anything but a boring few years..everything from a heavy divorce, business fires to heaving slabs. One of the more interesting guys on tour for sure. The Australians are as boring as a bad meat pie. The pics and party stories look good but those guys are about as deep as a kiddie pool. It’s always more of the same.

8 01 2010
Mike

Mario sure had something to say…

Do you think that Colt Mc Coy, Sam Bradford and Taylor Mayes wished they came out last year? Each lost millions returning to injury plagued collegiate seasons.

As for Colt Mc Coy’s speech, only Mark would have appreciated that evangelical disaster. Inarticulate, but definitely fears God. No wonder the south is so fucked up, Tebow is normal.

With the collective baraining agreement focusing on rookie pay scale, everyone capable better cash in this April in this draft. As bad as both offenses (offensive) looked last night, next year will look worse with no talent.

Congratulations Mark.

Now I have to get back to the end of the world research….

8 01 2010
Marks dog Eddie

Bark bark, endo the world, yeah, research, bark bark.

BArk bark, our family averted disaster last night when my owner decided to watch the game at a bar, bark bark.

Bark bark, he came home sloppy drunk, but mom had 911 on speed dial so I guess you could say we were prepared for either situation and lucky for us, he arrived with gatorade all over his shirt, bark cough cough bark.

8 01 2010
The Nug

@Mark
What do you mean that’s the way you want to win a Nat’l championship? Knocking the piss out of the QB is a fantastic way to win.

Alright. Guess I’ll put the Roundup up now.

8 01 2010
elwood

Few of my predictions for next year and beyond:

With all the hype surrounding nexts years dream tour it is all quickly subdued as Kelly crushes everyone and wins his 10th. Winning 3 of the first 5 contests the tour is over before Trestles contests which he goes ahead and wins too. He finally retires and goes back to banging A List celebs and becomes obsessed with qualifying for the Senior PGA. Meanwhile be becomes pals with Leo who decides to back a movie about Kelly and bi-passes the Dora flick. The amount of quality pune they rally together makes Jordy Sheen look childish. Taj gets on a role at the end of the year and wins a few contests once the world title is outa reach.

The “Dream Tour” implodes in 2011 after Dane finishes runner up to Bede. Dane wins 5 contests and gets 5 equal 33rds. Bede doesn’t win a contest but wins the title and finally everyone freaks out.

Nug executive produces a TV show starring Mark & Mike (isn’t named the Mark & Mike show as this sounds way to gheey). It features an articulate well read liberal artist debating a witty conservative used car salesman. It turns into a reality show with 2 over-aged surfers debating politics then bro-ing out and drinking after the show… which leads to full on braws. Then they wake up the next morning and go surf together. The show somehow catches the fancy of VH-1 and gets picked up for a couple seasons. The show eventually fails amid lawsuits as Lew comes outa the woodwork and sues Nug and everyone claiming he found these dudes first.

The ASP

8 01 2010
Mike

You had me until you wrote “witty” Ellwood, otherwise it’s gold.

8 01 2010
SmyrnaJeff

@Elwood

Mark sells new Fords as well as used cars.

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