Chris Ward–The Most Interesting Surfer in the World?

29 09 2009
Lost has of the best ads in the business. The Dos Equis spoof is shown here. “I do not always wear clothes, but when I do I prefer …Lost.

Lost has of the best advertisements in the business. The Dos Equis spoof is shown here. "I do not always wear clothes, but when I do I prefer …Lost."

It has been a tumultuous, Ogie Ogilthorpe-esque ride to the WCT for Chris Ward. He had a baby at 18, caused a major disturbance on a plane in Brazil not long after 9/11, when disturbances on planes might get you an extended stay at Gitmo. There were rolled rental cars, the parties and unhappy sponsors. And most recently, the bar brawl in Mammoth Lakes, California last year and the legal battle that ensued.

Last week at the Quiksilver Pro France, Chris Ward missed his first round heat. What us folks in the working world call a “no call no show.” No big deal, right? Live to fight another day. All that jazz. Rome wasn’t built in one session at Lower Trestles and it certainly wasn’t going to be built on a middling day at a French beachbreak. But, it gets better.

For his second round heat, which I affectingly call the Cash for Clunkers round, he showed up 15 minutes late, leaving Ben Dunn alone in the water staring back at the beach like the black guy in Caddyshack before getting run over by Rodney Dangerfield’s yacht. “Well, it definitely plays with your head,” Dunn said of Ward’s curious absence. “Wardo missed his Round 1 heat and I thought he was going to show up for today’s heat because I saw him yesterday, but he said he overslept or something.”

Then there’s the replay of the webcast. A solitary white jersey hangs in the competitors area, cascading in the wind like something you’d see in a trailer park clothesline on a summer day. You’d be hard pressed to find a better post heat interview. Something about oversleeping. I was half expecting him to ask Peter Mel “Hey dude. Where’d you get this Jaak-et?” Just moments earlier, he amassed a total heat score of 3.6. I think his blood-alcohol content level was higher than that in Mammoth last year. C’est bien.

The French prepare for Wardo's invasion.

The French prepare for Wardo's invasion.

Ben Dunn should be buying him beers and letting him screw his sister. Before France the “Doom-Bringer” was tittering on the edge of excommunication to the WQS. Dunn, now the 22nd ranked surfer on tour, with no result better that 17th this year (until now), may have just won a spot on tour for 2010 because of Wardo’s alarm clock. I’ll have not check with Guinness and Al Hunt but I believe that is a first. Meanwhile, Dunn made it to the quarterfinals—his best result by far.

Chris Ward was supposed to be the next Tom Curren. Or at the very least, the next Shane Beschen. He was featured in magazines at twelve years old. At 17, Gotcha signed him to a reported $450,000 contract. He was California’s heir to the world title. At least that’s what everyone said. But he never really hit his competitive stride until five years ago. After years of slogging away in the WQS slopfest he finally made his way on the WCT at 25 years old. Last year was his best to date. He peaked at Pipeline, the last event of the season, finishing second to Slater. It looked as if he would finally crack the top 10. But, after the 33rd at Les Bourdaines, he’s firmly planted in a regulation spot he might not climb out of. After the Peter Gibbons act in France, he tumbled to 35th.

When he’s on Wardo has proven he can surf with anyone, but unfortunately this may be Ward’s last year on tour. He appears to have the WCT-itis that has hit so many greats in the past. It’s time to buckle down and grow up son. We can’t take anymore two-to-the-beach circle jerks won by fast Mick Fanning. The tour needs you. One might even say it would be …lost without you.

Advertisements

Actions

Information

17 responses

29 09 2009
Sean Doherty's Samuels-Envy

1st!

29 09 2009
Jay

I love a good Chris Ward post but where is the Quiksilver Pro story? Ward appears to be headed for production of 5’5″ x 19 1/4 IV.

29 09 2009
Felini's Penini

Is this one of those Advertorial sections? Can you do the next one on Sponsor Me? Lost has the best ads now because Reef started showing feet in thongs instead of asses in thongs. It’s as simple as that.

29 09 2009
DJ Chassy Smith

Chris Ward, unlike Julian has a illustrious hairline. I want to crawl up Wardo’s intestines and make love to the amphetamine reside.

29 09 2009
Jay

As lovely as it sounds I think you meant amphetamine residue?

29 09 2009
Blasphemy Rottmouth

Although it’s a rip off of Heineken, which was a rip off of Chuck Norris Fact’s website, is still funny on some levels. However, if I were Lost’s marketing campaign manager, I would have edged things up a bit. For instance:

Chris Ward: The only man in world whose girlfriend’s safe word is “call 911.”

Chris Ward: He doesn’t just surf waves, he bitch-slaps them silly.

Chris Ward: If the waves don’t cooperate, he disowns them like a bastard son.

Chris Ward: Bustin’ airs as big as the gap between his ears.

Chris Ward: The most interesting rap sheet on the Top 44… besides those sodomy charges that Damien Hobgood will never live down.

Lost Corporate Clothing Brand and Energy Drink Distributor: Stay Classy My Friend.

29 09 2009
Mike

Ward is Lost…

Nice tribute to Benn Dunn’s qualification…. if only it were fiction. “Doom-bringers” own worst enemy….

While Lewis basks in the spotlight of post postsurf tenure, Nugg bakes the flakes.

29 09 2009
Blasphemy Rottmouth

I would enjoy seeing Chris Ward on the alternative tour. Endless talent, unexpectant surfing, and a waterproof anklet. Bring me some popcorn, some used Alana Blanchard panties, and a tube sock…

… and count me in boys.

29 09 2009
Blasphemy Rottmouth

@Mike,

Lewis will move on at some point. The Stab garb is just filler to pay the Big Boss in the sky.

Holy shit. I just sounded like your bitter ass.

Does that make me…

naw…

30 09 2009
Mark

Hi guys! You miss me?

30 09 2009
Mike

Sorry Blasph, but Wardo spends too much time on his inside rail to really be competitive. He has a trampoline act and charges big waves, but the reason he can’t get close to the elites is not because he missed a heat or was thrown in jail… he’s just not well rounded enough.

Really, he hasn’t even surfed Mushels all that well the last few years… stiff and or hung over. Maybe LOST has to pony up to buy a contest…. T street CT extravaganza… I can see it now, skate ramp going over the bridge, music festival by the pier, skimboard exhibition down towards Riviera, booths with plenty o shopping and a dude dressed as a giant Beer can approaching all the girls under 15! WCT will be satisfied, LOST fulfills all the sponsorship requirements!

And who is the big boss in the sky? BR, did you become a make believer?

Mark who?

30 09 2009
Blasphemy Rottmouth

@Mike,

I have always believed in Laird. And you will too when he dumps Gabrielle in three years and starts porking Mila Kunis.

Speaking of porking, I’m waiting with masturbated breath for Mailman’s upcoming column on France…

30 09 2009
Blasphemy Rottmouth

Who is this… this…

…Mark?

30 09 2009
Mike

Blasph is right, Mila is a nugget…. that movie shot at Turtle Bay is proof. Yum. Gabrielle? not so much and that adam’s apple is disturbing.

Is it true that you wrote the Malia Jones story and are casting Junis as the lead? Please film that casting couch session Mr Rottenmouth.

a fly on the wall…..

30 09 2009
Mike

Mila Kunis might be good in that role too….

1 10 2009
Dave Mailman

Hi Blas et al,

Nug should have that up today or tomorrow. Hope you’re not too disappointed with the result. There are no sex stories, and actually very little drunken debauchery to talk about either. I tried to be a little negative and bag a bit on the Quiky boys in the LS vein, but I am no Lewis Samuels… But wait a second, apparently Lewis isn’t Lewis either!?!
Anyway, I’ll be waiting with baited breath for your constructive criticism on my first journalistic effort in quite a few years…

Cheers,

Dave

1 10 2009
Dave Mailman

While you’re waiting for my “article”, check this out!

http://www.seatgirls.rj41.ch/

Probably appreciate that more than my words…

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s




%d bloggers like this: