The New Wave of Surfing­—RoboSlater

31 07 2009


With all the hype surrounding a possible second elite surfing tour set to debut next year, Japanese engineers have been quietly developing a secret weapon that is sure to create controversy in the surf industry.

A source speaking on the condition of anonymity agreed to talk with about the rumors.

“It’s true,” the surfing ‘Deep Throat’ said. “Japanese scientists have created a robotic surfer that will debut on the new tour in 2010. They have been working on this robot for the past two years. The thing is the real deal. It’s actually a human-robot hybrid. They took stem cells from Kelly Slater’s umbilical cord, which had been on ice for the past 37 years and blended it with some super-secret substance developed by NASA and Nike.”

Quiksilver CEO Bob McKnight has embraced this new breed of surfer and says he’ll give it full backing for the 2010 campaign.

“We all know Kelly won’t be able to compete forever,” said McKnight. “And Dane?…please. He’s probably the best surfer in the world, but he just doesn’t have that… you know…competitive fire. He’ll probably be on some island in Indo doing peyote with Gerry Lopez and Carlos Castaneda by years end.

Many industry leaders think this undermines everything surfing stands for. Billabong CEO Paul Naude says surfers are humans and it should stay that way. “Robots can’t buy boardshorts. Robots don’t watch Billabong-sponsored contests. I’m a purist. That’s why we sponsor Andy Irons.”

Sam George, the self-proclaimed greatest surfing writer of all time, said this is a natural transition and he’s not surprised. “Surfing goes through cyclical changes. Redwood gave way to polyurethane boards, then epoxy. It’s kind of like that. How does my hair look?”

Many WCT surfers are confused about the situation and wondered how this will affect the sport.

For instance Kekoa Bacalso wondered “how is the robot going drink a twelve pack of Primo and scarf down a Happy Meal before his heat?”

Jordy Smith wondered if the thing was anatomically correct down there. “Sorry Bru. Unless this thing is female and over 40 I’m not interested.”

Joel Parkinson seemed unfazed. “Mate…I’m so far in the lead this doesn’t even matter. Good luck I say. No worries here.”

“Big fucking deal,” Darryl “Flea” Virostko said. “Robot scmobot. Let’s see that tin can drop a hit of acid and surf Mavericks on a 20-foot day. Then I’ll be impressed.”


Inside a Transworld Surf Editorial Meeting

31 07 2009


Chris Cote: Okay, quiet down everyone. First, as tradition dictates let’s give thanks to our savior, leader and mentor… aSalaam ‘Alaykum Sal Masakala!

Everyone: Sal Masakala aSalaam

Publisher Liam Ferguson storms in…

Liam Ferguson: Sorry I’m late guys. I just got back from Sweden. Man those Bonniers are crazy. Those Swedish Jews know how to party. I’m just sayin’.

Chris Cote: Wow. I heard the age of consent over there is like 14?

Liam Ferguson: Easy there tiger. Guys, our ad revenue is in the toilet. How can we generate some revenue? Any ideas?

Justin Cote: Boat trip. Indo. I know it has been done a million times but we could make it…ya know…different.

Liam Ferguson: Apparently you have spending money and bringing in money confused, Justin.

Justin Cote: Can’t we just have Volcom buy the cover again?

Liam Ferguson: Problem is they paid us in beer cozies and sombreros last month.

Chris Cote: Hey, my sombrero was pretty sweet. How about another gear guide? Or…I got it! Another swimsuit issue?

Aaron Checkwood: (adjusts monocle…speaks in a thick German accent) all of these photos are crap…

Chris Cote: What about a guest editor issue…maybe Dane Reynolds or Kolohe Andino. Someone the kids relate to. I got it! What about the all-Broism issue?

Casey Koteen: (thinking to himself). I should have took that job at Billabong.

Liam Ferguson: Oh man, I remember the glory days like it’s yesterday. TW SKATEbording was 600 pages thick. Sure there were 580 ad pages, but still…

Chris Cote: Hey isn’t this an editorial meeting? Why are we taking about advertising?

Liam Ferguson: Listen here son. You are here to entice 12-year-olds to read the mag. That’s it. We only need you so the Nike and Army ads don’t bump into the Reef ad.

Chris Cote: (confused) But without my sarcastic wit and cunning tongue the mag would be all ads?

Liam Ferguson: All Ads? I think we are onto something here.

Aaron Checkwood: Ah. (adjusts monocle again) Like the Pennysaver of surfing. It’ll have photos right? Photos of the Sudetenland?

Liam Ferguson: You bet your ass it will. Okay, we’re done here. This meeting is adjourned. All Hail Masakala!

Everyone: Sal Masakala aSalaam


The Gudauskas Brothers are Multiplying

30 07 2009
Were the Gudauskas Spawned by Octomom?

Were the Gudauskas Spawned by Octomom?

The Gudauskas brothers are fucking everywhere. I’m downright sick of it and something needs to be done. If they were all sponsored by Quiksilver, the surf media would wash their nuts with Diamond Dobby boardshorts and used Sex Wax. It has gotten that bad. By last count there are about 118 of them on the WQS tour (I think) and at any moment I’m expecting another one of those little buggers to crawl out from under a cobblestone at Lowers, grab an epoxy fish and start picking off set waves.

Seriously, take look at any WQS contest. They are all over the heat sheet. There’s a Gudauskas in every fucking heat. It’s ridiculous. Sure, one of them did a Rodeo Clown in a heat in Sri Lanka or something, but for chrissakes, enough is enough. I think the youngest one even outsold Tim Curran’s latest CD. And he doesn’t even play guitar! You think I’m kidding? Just now I just went to my fridge to grab a beer and one of them was parked right beside the hardened butter and eggs. The little fucker had his wetsuit on too. They are multiplying I tell you. It has been said on the seventh day God got so tired of producing the little miracles of joy the Gudauskas’ are he need to take a day off, kick off his Reef sandals and decompress.

According to the 2000 Census the population of San Clemente, California is approximately 70,000. There are a thousand or so Marines, about a thousand unemployed surfers, 900 illegal aliens, 600 Dick-Nixon-flag-waving senior citizen retirees and about 900 tweakers. The rest, I shit you not, are Gudauskas brothers.

I’m no philanthropist but we need to take action before it’s too late. Perhaps a charity or foundation or firing squad or something. If you thought the Michael Jackson media saturation was bad just wait until the first Gudauskas dies 40 years from now. It will be a fucking circus.  

Samuels Bails on for US Weekly

29 07 2009

No longer the most hated man in surfing

Editors Note: The following press release appeared in my email inbox this morning.

The most hated man in surfing, Lewis Samuels, announced today he will be leaving the helm at for an editorial position at US Weekly, the American-based celebrity gossip rag.

“Fuck yeah,” said a clearly excited Samuels. I’m ’bout to get paid! Shit is expensive up in Norcal. Microbrews, weed and kosher meat can get pricey. The Power Rankings are blowing up. We’re going to make the Maxim Top 100 look like the Christian Science Monitor.”

US Weekly Editor in Chief Janice Min is excited about the opportunity to work with Mr. Samuels, who gained international notoriety for being fired by earlier this year. The young wordsmith parlayed the situation into becoming the most talked about surf writer since Ben Marcus started punching people out. Min said he would receive an uncensored voice for the magazine that caters to women whose interests range from shopping to soy milk to breast implants.

“We’ll have him write power rankings for everything…celebrity couples, plastic surgeons, jewelry, Kelly Slater’s boards, high heels, Chris Ward’s knuckles, Hollywood boutiques, supermodels, massage parlors, cougars Jordy Smith is dating…everything. We have a pretty broad target audience.”

Samuels added, “I was basically bored and with the current state of the surf media and wanted a fresh start. US Weekly provides me that opportunity. Heck, the surf industry’s is filled with morons, imbeciles and near retards, so naturally, the transition will be smooth.”

Brazilian surfers are reportedly dancing in the streets of Rio after hearing the news. Jihad Khodr, a Brazilian ranked 33rd on the ASP tour couldn’t be happier. “It’s crazy down here in Brazil. This is bigger than Carnival. I haven’t seen Brazilian surf fans this happy since Neco Padaratz placed 3rd in Huntington a few years back.”

CJ Hobgood, the former world champion Floridian surfer, predicted the change months ago on thegoodss blog. “Shoot, I’m like the “Costadamus” of surfing…you know that dead guy who predicted Hitler and 9/11 and stuff. I’m so happy for ‘Perez Samuels.’ I hope he hooks Parko up with some celebrity poontang so he loses focus. Look out bastards! World Title number two is on the way!”

The 2009 US Open of Surfing

29 07 2009
The hometown kid wins $100,000. photo: Hurley

The Hometown Kid Wins $100,000. photo: J. Klein

A wise man once said or maybe it was David Lee Roth, “Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it.” Hurley not only anchored the yacht right beside the barnacle-encrusted pilings at the Huntington Beach Pier, it brought the money with it. 
The hype started nearly two weeks ago. The swell was going to be big. Really big. The Internet was buzzing. Texts were exchanged en masse. Twitter accounts were exceeding the 140 character maximum. The surf industry was foaming at mouth like a Jewish dog at the end of the Yom Kippur fast. Surely the city had already hired an engineering firm to design a new pier, because certainly this one wouldn’t withstand the might of the impending swell. 
Then there was the money. A record $100,000 first-place check would go to the winner. Meanwhile, some half-retard on meth wins millions for driving in circles for three hours. Sure, most surfers are half-retards, but usually they aren’t on meth. Perhaps someone should alert Slater or ESPN about the missing ingredient to immediate riches. It works for NASCAR.
As it turned out the swell peaked late Friday, maxing out at a few feet overhead, but it sure as hell beat the typical Huntington two-foot slopfest won by a Brazilian or a midget or both. For many (including myself) the Huntington event is a love/hate thing. Think of it as a bacon-wrapped hot dog bought on a Tijuana street corner at 2 a.m. The stomach says no, but the stomach is no match for the mind after that much tequila.
The money or the swell, or maybe it was boredom, brought a bevy of WCT surfers and icons that have been skipping this event for the past five years or so. The 100 grand was a smart move. People waned to see Andy Irons, Mick Fanning, Taylor Knox and Slater. Gony Zubizarreta and Wiggolly Dantas sure aren’t driving webcast traffic.
Slater was clearly the stand out surfer on Friday and Saturday. In the round of 48 his carving 360 on massive closeout sent Artiz Arramburu home. Later he called it one of the best he’s ever done. Impressive yes, but hardly worth the 9 for one maneuver. Then there was the 10-point barrel on Saturday. He was toying with the conditions and his opponents, eventually losing to De Souza in a wave-starved quarterfinal.
Let’s pretend Joel Parkinson is Luke Skywalker, a young ultra-talented surfer who has the future of surfing resting on his shoulders. That would make Parko’s coach, Luke Egan, Obi-Wan Kenobi. Now let’s say Huntington Beach’s own Brett Simpson is Anakin Skywalker. Would that make Ian Cairns Jabba The Hut? Well, you have to give Ian the Hut credit. Simpson’s coach is doing something right.
The 24-year-old Simpo disposed of Nate Curran, CJ Hobgood and Mick Fanning on Sunday en route to the win. Along with Slater, Fanning, CJ, Curran, Pat Gudauskas and De Souza, Simpson was one of the most progressive surfers all week. Conspiracy theorists may think it’s a little too convenient that a Hurley surfer took home the big money. But Simpson won fair and square. He earned it. Now Simpson sits at 5th in the WQS ratings, basically securing a spot on the CT next year. He proved he is a formidable threat, no matter the opponent, in breachbreak conditions. But, then again, there aren’t many beachbreaks on the Dream Tour.