The Gudauskas Brothers are Multiplying

30 07 2009
Were the Gudauskas Spawned by Octomom?

Were the Gudauskas Spawned by Octomom?

The Gudauskas brothers are fucking everywhere. I’m downright sick of it and something needs to be done. If they were all sponsored by Quiksilver, the surf media would wash their nuts with Diamond Dobby boardshorts and used Sex Wax. It has gotten that bad. By last count there are about 118 of them on the WQS tour (I think) and at any moment I’m expecting another one of those little buggers to crawl out from under a cobblestone at Lowers, grab an epoxy fish and start picking off set waves.

Seriously, take look at any WQS contest. They are all over the heat sheet. There’s a Gudauskas in every fucking heat. It’s ridiculous. Sure, one of them did a Rodeo Clown in a heat in Sri Lanka or something, but for chrissakes, enough is enough. I think the youngest one even outsold Tim Curran’s latest CD. And he doesn’t even play guitar! You think I’m kidding? Just now I just went to my fridge to grab a beer and one of them was parked right beside the hardened butter and eggs. The little fucker had his wetsuit on too. They are multiplying I tell you. It has been said on the seventh day God got so tired of producing the little miracles of joy the Gudauskas’ are he need to take a day off, kick off his Reef sandals and decompress.

According to the 2000 Census the population of San Clemente, California is approximately 70,000. There are a thousand or so Marines, about a thousand unemployed surfers, 900 illegal aliens, 600 Dick-Nixon-flag-waving senior citizen retirees and about 900 tweakers. The rest, I shit you not, are Gudauskas brothers.

I’m no philanthropist but we need to take action before it’s too late. Perhaps a charity or foundation or firing squad or something. If you thought the Michael Jackson media saturation was bad just wait until the first Gudauskas dies 40 years from now. It will be a fucking circus.  

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