Five Photos, Five Quotes

16 03 2010


“One should never drive away from good surf.”
— Allan C. Weisbecker, In Search of Captain Zero 

 “Four legs good, two legs better!”
— George Orwell, Animal Farm


“I often think how unfairly life’s good fortune is sometimes distributed.”
— Leo Tolstoy, War and Peace 


“They were like two enemies in love with one another.”
— Fyodor Dostoevsky, The Brothers Karamazov 

“I fear someday I will meet God, he’ll sneeze and I won’t know what to say.”
— Ronnie Shakes


The Top Fucking 5© 2010 WCT Rookies

5 02 2010

Dusty Payne is the first Maui surfer on the WCT. Photo: Childs

Winning the WQS is like being the best a plumber in the world. I guess it’s something to be proud of, but no one really cares. That being said, Daniel Ross won the WQS in 2009. But I can’t include Dan “The Plumber” in The Top Fucking 5© because he’s not really a rookie. This is his second attempt after a one-and-done 2008. With the new one-tier format starting next year he’s the penultimate WQS champ. Let’s look at the cream of the WQS crop.

5) Patrick Gudauskas
Pat narrowly missed the cut last year and his motivation propelled him into second place in the WQS ratings. His rodeo clown in the Maldives got a ton of press. Then all three Guduaski (I’m assuming the plural version is akin to Cacti) surfed the same heat at Sunset last month. Even Octomom was envious. This is what I wrote about the Gudauskas brothers a few months ago. “The Gudauskas brothers are everywhere. Just now I went to the fridge to grab a beer and one of them was parked right beside the hardened butter and eggs. The little fucker had his wetsuit on too. They are multiplying I tell you. On the seventh day God got so tired of producing the little miracles of joy that the Gudauski are, he needed to take a day off, kick off his Reef sandals and decompress.” Prepare to see more of them. Pat is part of the San Clemente trio that qualified for the WCT this year. Pat and Tanner Gudauskas, along with Nate Yeomans, might not be Athos, Porthos, and Aramis but the “all for one, one for all” credo might just give them a boost for their maiden Dream Tour voyage.

4) Matt Wilkinson
The Aussie goofyfoot told Stab Magazine earlier this year he had the ASP judges figured out and it looks like he was right. “They will give you a seven for one air reverse,” he said. “I thought, surely I can do two air reverses in 15 waves. Two sevens in a heat is all you need to beat someone who does backhand or forehand reos all contest. You’d have to be retarded to fail to do two air reverses in 15 waves.” Matt has reverses wired but he’s going to have to mix it up to compete with the elite. He can go either way, He might blow up or he might struggle. If he puts together a good showing at Snapper and Bells he just might be a darkhorse candidate for Rookie of the Year.

3) Brett Simpson
Brett comes from a long line of talented Huntington Beach surfers that seem to fizzle out like candle at the Playboy mansion’s grotto on fat girl night. When they hit the world stage something happens. Most don’t even make it this far. Brett peaked at the US Open last year. Speaking of HB, last week the Huntington Beach City Council introduced a measure aimed to outlaw beer pong. I’m serious. But Simpo is part of the new Huntington…clean cut, progressive. But I’m a sucker for the seedy side. The side that would charge 15-foot Pipe and Chopes then down a few Hinanos in the channel between heats. It might take a few years, but he’ll find his rhythm and embrace the dark side of Surf City.

2) Dusty Payne
What’s this? A Volcom surfer on the WCT? Seeing more than two Volcom surfers on tour is like seeing more than two Indians together off the reservation. It never happens. Except Indian casinos. The 21-year-old from Maui replaced fellow Volcom Stoner Bruce Irons and qualified for the ’CT on his on his first attempt. He just might be the best of the lot and if you’re going to gamble on Rookie of the Year, he’d be a solid bet. With the new, one-tier ranking system even Dusty is in the dark. “Guys on the tour have no idea how it works,” he said during the Volcom Pipeline Pro. I predict Dusty will make the cut and finish in the high teens this year. However, the over/under on the amount of times web announcers utter the phrase “Maui Wowie” is exactly 420.

1) Owen Wright
Editor’s Note: I asked the infamous Enoch Ward (AKA Blasphemy Rottmouth, AKA Ol’ Dirty Bastard, AKA ♂ ) to tackle Owen’s segment.
Dear Owen Wright,
I congratulate you on being the only surfer on earth that prays each night to his Laird and Savior for ALL of his heats to be against Kelly Slater. Luckily you never pearl because your nose acts as a tri-pod anytime your thorax bends in excess of 13 degrees forward. I don’t mean to poke fun at something only the Good Laird or an inebriated plastic surgeon in Tijuana can fix… but good god man! That nose would cause a continually-lying proboscis monkey named Pinocchio to blush with envy. I halfway expect there to be 74 smaller noses in your left nostril alone. Do your boogers come with training wheels on them? If Larry King grew his frosted tips out, shed his glasses, and donned a Rip Curl rubber, then you’ve found your stunt double for Kai Neville’s next rumored project: ‘Modern Colonoscopy II: Bare-Back Mountin’ with Dion Agius and some of his Special Friends.’ In summary, keep the sacred words of Alfredo Villas-Boas near and dear to your heart as you paddle out for your first heat at Snapper: “On my surfboard I am grounded like cement on my feet.” Peace and good tidings.

Always and forever,
Enoch Ward

Rookie of the year favorite Owen Wright. Photo: ASP/Warbrick

Holy Gudauskas!

7 12 2009

Two thirds of the Gudaukas power trio are in for 2010.

By now you know Joel Parkinson won the O’Neill World Cup yesterday at Sunset Beach. It was a nice little precursor to the impending world title showdown at Pipeline as Parko took down Sunny Garcia, Mick Fanning and Dusty Payne. It was the last WQS contest of 2009.

The final 15 ASP WQS qualifiers for the 2010 World Tour are:

Ross, Daniel (AUS)
Gudauskas, Patrick (USA)
Andre, Jadson (BRA)
Melling, Adam (AUS)
Wright, Owen (AUS)
Munro, Luke (AUS)
Thompson, Jay (AUS)
Yeomans, Nathan (USA)
Payne, Dusty (HAW)
Simpson, Brett (USA)
Wilkinson, Matt (AUS)
Gudauskas, Tanner (USA)
Logie, Travis (ZAF)
Polo, Marco (BRA)
Thornton, Blake (AUS)

Notable Nuggets:
California is well represented with the Gudauskas brothers, Brett Simpson and Nate Yeomans.

Brett Simpson joins fellow Huntington Beach surfer Timmy Reyes.

Dusty Payne becomes the first Maui surfer of qualify for the WCT. Additionally, half of the Modern Collective is now on tour.

Aussies continue their dominance on tour with nearly half of the rookie class.

Travis Logie rejoins the tour and joins Jordy Smith as the only other surfer from South Africa for 2010.

Owen Wright and Dusty Payne might become the most talked about rookies since Dane Reynolds and Jordy Smith.

And finally, with renewed optimism the Rebel Tour will debut in 2010, there are several surfers on the cusp of qualification that may gain entry to the Dream Tour due to fallout.

Ask the Nug Volume 1

4 09 2009
Jonauskas Brothers

The Jonauskas Brothers Make a Mean Power Trio.

A little more than a month ago, I started this blog on a whim. The response has been great. It’s catching on pretty quickly and I’ve been getting a lot of good feedback. (Well, some good and some bad). With practically no promotion, I’ve gained a lot of readers. Traffic is increasing every day. Today I  launch a reoccurring feature called “Ask the Nug.” I have been told I give pretty good advice. If you have a question for future installments, email me at

What’s with surfers always trying to be musicians?
–Mike, San Clemente, Ca

Good question. Every professional surfer seems to be in a band now. Who could forget the Peter King, Rob Macahdo, Kelly Slater train wreck? Ozzie Wright has the “Goons of Doom.” Tim Curran dropped out of the ’CT to grow out his hair and become a musician. Makua Rothman, Occy, Tom Curren, Donovan…the list goes on. What are they thinking? Do they wake up and say to themselves “you know I’m only getting laid three times a day. If I start a band I can double that number.” I blame Jack Johnson. The fucker.

Please rank these guys in order of lameness: Stand-up paddleboard guy, dick drager guy (boogie boarder), half-man-kneeboard guy (are these guys still around?), over-50-longboarder guy and skimboarder guy. Thanks in advance for your timely answer.
–Rollerbladerguy, Aliso Viejo, Ca

1. Over 50 longboarder guy
Actually, the only true surfer on the list. I respect the older longboarder. Dale Velzy shaped my first custom board. I was about 14. He was well into his 60s, but he still had it. Later, I was told it was the second shortboard he ever shaped.
2. Half-man kneeboard guy
I have a friend named Barry who rips on a kneeboard. You’re correct, not many of these guys around. I’ve always wondered how Billabong Odyssey’s Bill Sharp does tow-ins on a kneeboard.
3. Skimboarder guy
The Inland Empires equivalent to being a surfer. Flat-billed caps, plenty of tattoos and the latest 80-dollar trunks are a must.
4. Stand-up paddle board guy
I struggled with this one, but in the end they are a hair ahead of boogie boarders on the lameness scale.
5. Dick drager guy (boogie boarder)
If you are older than 12 and are not Mike Stewart you have no business riding one of those things. Stand up and grow up.

When I’m driving down to my local surf spot, occasionally I’ll see a hub cap by the side of the road, thoughtfully propped up against a post or fence so the owner might retrieve it. This strikes me as odd, because generally humans hate each other on the road, yet it seems the mere sight of a hub cap melts our hearts and strikes a note of altruistic brotherhood and consideration. What gives?
–Gra Murdoch of universally loathed Inside The Goldmine blog, Australia
The little things make life enjoyable. I have not witnessed this hub cap phenomenon, but I live in Orange County where everyone drives an SUV or BMW. Not too many hub caps. I was this close to giving up on humanity, but you turned me. Thanks Gra.

You were pretty harsh on both Transworld Surf and ESPN Surfing? Did you receive any feedback from them?
–Taylor, Newport Beach, Ca

No, but a friend from journalism school works as a war correspondent. He swears the number-one rule in covering a war is checking the undercarriage of you ride for bombs. Along with my coffee and morning dump, I have made this my new morning ritual.

I have been surfing for 25 years. Why do I still suck?
-Michael, The hills above San Clemente, Ca

That’s a good question. Try smoking weed before your session. If that doesn’t work, buy a longboard and just cruise. George Greenough once said, “surfing’s not about what’s looks cool. It about what feels cool.”

The California State Parks system recently began charging $15 a pop at the “free” lot near Trestles. Is this a sign of the apocalypse?
–Mark, Dana Point, Ca

Sort of. According to ancient lore, the first sign of the apocalypse was the election of a former Austrian bodybuilder as California’s governor. The second sign is the Gudauskas brothers forming a power trio and kicking off a world tour. When this happens–and it will. Run for the hills.

I love the site Nug. I also dig Lewis Samuel’s You two should get together and start a magazine, perhaps an American version of Stab…kind of a Big Brother-meets-Stab-meets-Vice-meets-Surfer. It would put the  American surf mags to shame.
–James, Hilo, Hawaii
In a better economy that might not be a bad idea. The first issue would be thicker than a Tolstoy novel and we’d dub it the “Green Issue.”

Fantasy Surfer question. I’m thinking about dropping Dane Reynolds from my team. What do you think?
–JB, Miami, Fla
I think you need a girlfriend or a drug habit that will waste your time in a more productive manner. I’d keep Dane. He’s on bit of a roll after JBay and I predict no less than a top-5 finish at Trestles.

Why are shapers so under-appreciated by the industry?
–Barry, Huntington Beach, Ca
There is a rigid, under-publicized rule in the surf industry. It has been studied by both Madison Avenue advertising execs and Harvard MBA’s. If you want to go broke, become a shaper. If you want to make millions, design size medium T-shirts for surf hipsters.

Last night I had a dream I was surfing naked with Alana Blanchard. I woke up in a pool or sweat and urine. That’s the last time I drink Primo beer on peyote. I guess it could have been a lot worse. Should I be worried?
–Kai-boy, Ewa Beach

No. Frankly, I’m envious. Carry on.

I was wondering how Layne Beachley’s mountain oysters taste? Are they salty?
–Fine dining coinsurer, The Big Island

They are an acquired taste for sure and hard to find. You can get them in fine Sydney restaurants and northern California Trader Joes locations. Garish with wasabi and chase with a glass of organic milk.

As I lay here in my coffin, awaiting the darkness of night to wake me from my slumber, I ponder a simple question: There are ways that disparate cultures share common mythologies. For instance, the Hercules + Samson + Gilgamesh stories illustrate an assumed common point of origin. With this thought in mind, how much blame would you lay at the feet of ubiquitous Frieda Zamba, and her lumbering, frozen-hinged juggernaut of a half-sister, Wendy Botha, for the common strains of rigimortal surfing that are consistent among the current mall-grade (technically speaking) female surfers and other semi-hot female surfers, all across the globe? Nowadays, these kittens are a dime-a-dozen. Sure, Bruna Schmitz and Alana can feign tail slides and 3” aerials in shoulder-high swell; but stick a cock betwixt their legs, and suddenly, they’re just your average Brazo whitewater warriors. Do we dig deeper for the core? Lisa Anderson? Jericho? Rell Sun?
–Blasphemy Rottmouth, California

The woman’s surfing fan is a near-extinct crustacean that can be found clinging to piers in Huntington, Oceanside and Flagler Beach. Although I’m not entirely sure what you are asking, I do know that style is the most overlooked element of competitive surfing. Women’s style has come a long way. Just not far enough. But, I digress. Men’s surfing is lacking style as well. Brazilian style, for instance, can be traced back to 1988 when the only available surf video in Florianopolis was Blazing Boards on VHS. Regrettably, Brazos were forced to mimic the Tai Chi hand moments of Mr. Gary “Kong” Elkerton. He looked like he should be chopping steak at Benihana, not dropping in at Sunset.

Would you say this is a fair analogy?  Kelly Slater is the USC football of surfers, consistently dominant…where as Laird Hamilton is the Notre Dame of surfing, you know, well past his prime and basically a novelty act which is only relevant because of the media at this point.
–Mai-Tai’s 4 all my friends, HB, Ca

To borrow a phrase from Bill Simmons…“Searching for a response.”

I’m a young ripper who surfs Trestles everyday, but I’m having a hard time getting noticed. I remember Christian Fletcher used to wear fluorescent Lanty westsuits to get attention at Lowers. So, I came up with a plan. I’m going to cut out the ass on my old fullsuit to make it look like a pair of ass-less chaps. I should be a part of the Modern Collective in no time. Thoughts?
–Little Ripper, Oceanside, Ca

Yes. It’s this kind of genuine ingenuity that makes surfers relevant. I say go for it. But, don’t drop the wax.

The Gudauskas Brothers are Multiplying

30 07 2009
Were the Gudauskas Spawned by Octomom?

Were the Gudauskas Spawned by Octomom?

The Gudauskas brothers are fucking everywhere. I’m downright sick of it and something needs to be done. If they were all sponsored by Quiksilver, the surf media would wash their nuts with Diamond Dobby boardshorts and used Sex Wax. It has gotten that bad. By last count there are about 118 of them on the WQS tour (I think) and at any moment I’m expecting another one of those little buggers to crawl out from under a cobblestone at Lowers, grab an epoxy fish and start picking off set waves.

Seriously, take look at any WQS contest. They are all over the heat sheet. There’s a Gudauskas in every fucking heat. It’s ridiculous. Sure, one of them did a Rodeo Clown in a heat in Sri Lanka or something, but for chrissakes, enough is enough. I think the youngest one even outsold Tim Curran’s latest CD. And he doesn’t even play guitar! You think I’m kidding? Just now I just went to my fridge to grab a beer and one of them was parked right beside the hardened butter and eggs. The little fucker had his wetsuit on too. They are multiplying I tell you. It has been said on the seventh day God got so tired of producing the little miracles of joy the Gudauskas’ are he need to take a day off, kick off his Reef sandals and decompress.

According to the 2000 Census the population of San Clemente, California is approximately 70,000. There are a thousand or so Marines, about a thousand unemployed surfers, 900 illegal aliens, 600 Dick-Nixon-flag-waving senior citizen retirees and about 900 tweakers. The rest, I shit you not, are Gudauskas brothers.

I’m no philanthropist but we need to take action before it’s too late. Perhaps a charity or foundation or firing squad or something. If you thought the Michael Jackson media saturation was bad just wait until the first Gudauskas dies 40 years from now. It will be a fucking circus.