New Year’s Resolutions for ASP Surfers

30 12 2009

Dance? No, I said you look fat in those pants. Jordy Smith and newly-crowned champ Mick Fanning celebrate the end of another ASP season.

Being the muckraking “journalist” I am I try keep my nose clean and my ear to the ground. OK, who am I kidding? My nose is dirtier than a gas station’s toilet seat. Regardless, I had the distinct pleasure of intercepting the New Year’s resolutions of the best surfers in the world.  

-Kelly Slater
Read the memoirs of famous rebels Robert E. Lee, George Washington and Poncho Villa. Win 10th title on an Alaia.  

-Mick Fanning
Legally change name to Damien Hardman II.  

-Jamie O’Brien
Win all contests he enters on just one wave instead of two. Get sponsored by Zippo lighters for daily burnings of the ASP rule book.  

-Dane Reynolds
Win a fucking contest.  

-Tim Boal
Win a fucking heat.  

 -Joel Parkinson
Have doctors genetically alter his ankles with Hillary Clinton’s canckles. That way he’ll never injure them again.   

-Chris Ward
Make it on time to all his heats court appearances.   

 -CJ Hobgood
Knock out the next punk that calls him Damien.  

-Bede Durbidge
Try to conceal the shit-eating grin from his face every time he cashes that motocross company’s check.  

-Dusty Payne
Change name to Dirk Diggler so it sounds less like a porn star.  

-Adriano de Souza
Finally quit day job as a midget rodeo clown. Then seal the clown car doors so no more Brazilians make it on the ASP tour.  

-Taylor Knox
Retire. Then unretire. Then retire. Then sign a contract with the Minnesota Vikings.  

-Rob Machado
Hire a narrator that doesn’t put you to sleep if the Drifter II ever gets made.  

-Jordy Smith
Become the first surfer sponsored by Trojan condoms. Burn through the “lifetime supply” in one month.

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32 responses

30 12 2009
Blasphemy Rottmouth

After seeing that picture of Jordy and Mick, I am now thusly compelled to don some old school steel-wheeled roller skates and proceed to Nazi speed-kick a Versace handbag filled with adorable baby lemurs, fetal pigs and just-born kittens suspended in a matrix of vanilla pudding.

But, maybe that’s just me.

30 12 2009
Blasphemy Rottmouth

That’s actually a pretty funny list. But, I am haunted by that picture. Remember R. Crumb’s fucked-up brother Charles from the HORRIFIC documentary ‘Crumb’? Well, that’s me now; thanks Nug. Time to watch Treasure Island and suck a pistol now…

30 12 2009
Jimmicane

This is genius! Love it!

30 12 2009
witchdoctor

That picture makes me want to guzzle chicken blood and spin a chemical bros. CD whilst I shove my right arm up the ass of my Lewis Samuels puppet and make him deep-throat my cock as I ventriloqize gargling sounds across the room, all in the midst of my living room bay window for the benefit of my Mormon neighbors. Lay down Blasphemy Rottmouth, lay down.

30 12 2009
Blasphemy Rottmouth

@witchdoctor

Good god man – have you no decency?

30 12 2009
witchdoctor

@BR-

Of course I have no decency…I’m a witchdoctor (I went to med school in Guianna for fuck sakes) I have only hexes, potions, and strange rituals. However, I’d love to pick your brain about tortise husks and llama jizz sometime.

30 12 2009
witchdoctor

Oh, and some predictions for 2010…Slater suddenly retires, Lewis Samuels sells his soul to Sun Microsystems, and Mick Fanning wins his third world title. Trust me…I’m a doctor.

30 12 2009
Blasphemy Rottmouth

100 bucks says The Dingo’s toothy grin turns dour after his umbilical is snipped by a knife wielding Bible thumper during a crucial heat at Snapper next year.

30 12 2009
witchdoctor

I raise you 150 that a certain well-fed Hawaiian meat-hacks both of those guys to pieces in good conditions.

30 12 2009
lazer®

3 to 1 gets both of you that Morrison, fresh off his nuptials (wed to a blonde Big Island bimbo I’m familiar with, no less) and feeling the effects of the newlywed lifestyle, discovers it impossible to reconcile his former Neanderthal cave-dwelling existence with that of a married man. He then begins self-medicating heavily pre-heats with a coupla Ambien and a tube of Astroglide, eventually becoming so dependent upon the aforementioned combination that the rest of the tour refers to him as ‘The Masturbating Somnambulist’. Dissolution of his marriage follows as he retreats back to the caves of medieval France from whence he came, to raise a merry flock of wolves and eat the brains of farmyard sheep for the rest of his days.

30 12 2009
Demon

A nice view of Lewis Samuels giving Nug a quick reach around! Nice press Nug! http://www.surfinglife.com.au/themag/issuefeature/3176-a-few-sites-worth-cruising

30 12 2009
Marks dog Eddie

Bark bark, such inspired work by Lazer no less… bark bark.

Bark bark, Blasphemy and Witchy poo sparring hilarious, bark bark.

Bark bark, Dingo gets schooled by either doublemint twin, Karma bark bark.

Bark bark, Lazer hit it on the head, The Dingo will roll over belly up once that ring slides onto the emotional vampires finger and shuts off the libido well. Why fuck a midget when you have a contract signed in church? Why has Slater remained dominant? He’s escaped the neatherthal aesthetic of coupling, bark bark.

Bark bark, Andy got married, pudgy and started to lose bark bark.

Bark bark, glad to read that Lewis is so self content and self congratulatory on his influence to the medium, bark bark.

30 12 2009
Jay

Nice job Nug. That shit right there was funny.

Well lookie here, even Aussie Surfing Life (The self proclaimed Bible of the Sport) is taking notice to your skillz…Even if they gave you a backhanded compliment.

31 12 2009
Shamus McRearload

It would be funny if Lewis commented here under a different alias… Ohn wait commented ccommented

31 12 2009
Shamus McRearload

Stupid Iphone.

It would be funny if Lewis commented here under a different alias. Oh, wait.

Yeah, it wasn’t funny the first time. Where’s me whisky?

31 12 2009
Mike

Thanks for Post Surf Lewis, it was fun.

31 12 2009
Mark

Happy New Year Nug!

Thank you for all the hard work on this site. I look forward to greatness from you in 2010.

Same for Jordy, Dusty, Kekoa and Andy Irons.

31 12 2009
F. Murray Abrahambone

Happy New Year’s you sniveling cacksookling swine phallus deepthroaters.

2 01 2010
Chris Cote

I need a better name. like Crusty McCloads, or Phil Facial, or Hugh G. Blackock

2 01 2010
Marks dog Eddie

Bark bark, No Chris, Cote is much funnier, bark bark

2 01 2010
Demon

@Cote I agree with Mark’s dog Eddie. Cote is much funnier.

2 01 2010
Mark's Shotgun

Why did Mark every get this fucking dog, and when do I get to lay him to rest?

2 01 2010
Mark's Shotgun

‘Scuse me, I meant “ever” instead of “every”. Apologies.

2 01 2010
lazer®

Nug, I’d like to take this time out and thank you for all your hard work on this website. I’d been languishing in the post-PostSurf era, searching for meaning along the dark and dreary hallways of the World Wide Web, looking for a place to comment in all the wrong places, places so unspeakably inappropriate I still feel ashamed for clicking past the ‘Over 18’ button. But you; you and your self-made haven came to my rescue, and I am in your debt. Not many of the Philistines populating such message boards realize the intellectual rigors and personal sacrifices involved in putting forth your innermost thoughts; I, however, applaud your every courageous keystroke and indomitable data inputting. Like our very own modern-day Sinclair, you will not rest until you have exposed the culture for what it once gloriously was, what it has shamefully become, and what it hopefully will be.

All I ask is you remember my drug-addled ramblings once you’ve sold this place and your soul for a million bucks like that rat bastard whose name I shall never speak again. And by rat bastard, I mean traitorous industry-guzzling swine. And by that, I am referring to Joe Lieberman.

Oh, and Lewis Samuels.

That is all.

2 01 2010
Mark's evil twin Kram

Hanging out with Gorkin today and decided it was time to credit Smyrna Ffej with turning me on to Post surf…errr Nugable. My brother’s dog is always yapping about pro surfing and it’s nice to know God hates Mark as much as Gorkin does. Why? Because I am evil.

3 01 2010
Mark

@Mike
You need to get a fucking life you loser. My dog Eddie has actually been really sick lately so your idiotic ramblings about him and me are getting old.

Hey Mike guess what? YOU ARE NOT FUNNY. So go back to doing what you do best and whine about the evils of money or humanity or 9-11 being an inside job or whatever it is you ramble about. No one listens anyway.

I have an idea Mike. Maybe you should GO SURFING. Or would you rather simply talk about it on the internet in that superior, elitist liberal tone that you have.

@Lazer
I like Joe Lieberman. And you are a Prius driving liar who hides in web land and refuses to be seen in the daylight just like that time you were supposed to meet me in the Ala Moana parking lot and you didn’t show.
Go back to Pohiki and grow some shitty pot Lazer. Kook.

3 01 2010
SmyrnaJeff

Mark just called me from his cell phone as he is driving down to La Jolla to go surfing.

He forgot to tell Lazer that if you don’t use your real name when commenting then you are even more of a kook.

3 01 2010
lazer®

Tell him it’s unlawful to talk on your cell phone and drive at the same time.

Also tell him I don’t give my real name out to strangers on the internet who want to meet up in parking lots.

And Mark, aren’t you a Kona guy? Methinks Puna’s a little far out of your comfort zone. By the way, and I wouldn’t expect you to know this, the spot you are referring to is spelled Pohoiki. However, even Hawaiians fail to pronounce it correctly, so I don’t fault your charming attempt to appear knowledgeable.

3 01 2010
SmyrnaJeff

@Lazer

Mark said he will meet you in the Windansea parking lot tomorrow and kick your ass.

4 01 2010
Mike

@Mark

I sense some hostility in your comments. May God fill your heart with the light of our lord Jesus Christ and bless upon thee surrenity and joy.

Please refrain from threatening Lazer, it’s not what we who walk in the reflection of your God do. Pity the man and wash his feet, Poihoki pot growers are an endangered species and doing Gods work.

Please extend my best wishes for a speedy recovery to your dog Eddie, who could tell he was sick by his incredibly acute sense of humor and wit.

I once wrote you about the term projection…. and since you ride a long board, I don’t mean while riding a wave. You, my brother, are the one who creates cute names to disguise your identity and then lapse into a constant stream of speaking in the third person, the height of ego.

Maybe your dog just figured out how to use your PC? Or you are commenting during a sleep walk.

God bless you Mark and Alabama football on whatever night they finally drag that dead dog of a NCAA championship to. A perfect example of how momentum is lost with too much down time…. a lesson for Brody and Dave M.

4 01 2010
Blasphemy Rottmouth

I was away for most of the winter break – but when I did get a chance to check in, I got more than a few chuckles from Mark’s dog Eddie.

And I’ll be sure to pass the word on to Shamus that drunk comment postings via IPhone are never funny.

Ever.

5 01 2010
Sticks and Stones, Love. » Sunday Linky Dinky……

[…] Kelly Slater’s New Years Resolution. […]

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