I Can Haz a Dream by Blasphemy Rottmouth

12 11 2009
Dave Mailman IS Awesome

Dave Mailman. The man, the myth, the commentating legend.

Editor’s Note: I do not know Blasphemy Rottmouth well. From his passionate and cryptic comments, it is clear he’s a witty, and perhaps an inherently drunk individual that captures the embodiment of the working-class surfer like no one I have ever seen. This is his dream.

I can haz a dream last night!

I had a dream that one day even the Pipeline Masters, a contest sweltering with the heat of injustice, sweltering with the heat of oppression, would be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice.

I had a dream that my three little children would one day live under an ASP tent where they would not be judged by the color of their jersey but by the content of their character.

I had a dream that one day every excellent wave would be exalted, and every fist pump and claim was made low, the monotony of Mick Fanning was made plain, and the gays were made straight; and the glory of the Laird was revealed and all flesh saw it together.

I can haz a dream last night!

And that dream is now partially laid bare before your very eyes by the miraculous pairing of Dave Mailman and Peter Mel in the commentary booth for the 2009 Pipeline Masters. What follows is a snippet of that dream:

D.M.: “Well Pete, here we are. Another beautiful day on the North Shore of Oahu. I can’t get over the irony of those subtle cyan hues swirling about the channel matching my new pair of Santa Cruz corduroy Crocs perfectly. And to top it off, I’m working on my fourth gin and tonic of the morning.”

P.M.: “Fourth? You dainty little twat! I just polished off that case of Fosters in the back. Tastes like rabid dingo jizz, but the buzz is killer. That ridiculously hot broad wearing Chas Smith’s favorite yellow panties is bringing me another during the next break so eat your Frenchy heart out.”

D.M.: “Ummm, that WAS Chas Smith.”

P.M.: “Really? Chas? Dude knows how to tuck like a pro. Trust me, I know. (Licks melted Velveeta cheese from his index finger) But I digress. Let’s not forget that we’ve got some primo swell on tap, Mailman. Six to eight feet and a lumbering offshore breeze dusting the tips of those hucking A-frames – perfect for deciding how many points Mick will win his second championship by. Let’s take a look at who we got bobbing around in the lineup for this heat, shall we?”

D.M.: (shuffles papers around before burying a bubble of flatus in his plastic chair) “According the latest draw, we’re looking at Nathaniel Curran, Ola Eleogram, Dave Wassell, and Joel Parkinson. (Pauses) In other words, Billabong wants Joel to win their flagship event. And speaking of gas, Wassell just cartwheeled down the face of a bomb and got throat-fucked by the reef. Hopefully his Pipeline expertise will help him locate the rest of his teeth.”

Read the rest of the story here…

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15 responses

12 11 2009
OneNut

Thats the best post ever! Ever!

12 11 2009
Mike

So Blasph can write dialogue….

12 11 2009
Ross Clarke Bones

I am speechless. Really I am.

12 11 2009
trauzersnake

Written like a true humble fucker of pygmie tortoise tusks, coated in llama jizz.

12 11 2009
The Nug

It’s on now. The Triple Crown…but the waves look like Huntington.

http://www.triplecrownofsurfing.com/reefblog/live.php

12 11 2009
Elwood

Blash-

Great stuff.. One for the best ever.

The pandering to North Shore “locals” by the surf media and ASP has always sickened me.

I had a dream… that one of the surf mag’s did an article about the literacy rate on the North Shore… then I woke up.

Speaking about “best ever”… MIKE — your thoughts… is Jordy’s surfing in Modern Collective the best surfing ever caught on film??

12 11 2009
trauzersnake

@Elwood-

I’ve yet to see modern collective, but if Jordy’s surfing tops Tom Curren swooping at Lance’s right in the original Search video-then it is. As radical as a lot of guys aerial surfing is today…that’s just still a thing of beauty. Maybe I’m just gettin’ old!!

12 11 2009
Jay

Nice work Blasphemous.

I like this part…”It’s too bad, because yesterday he told me he had a Power Balance hologram on his board and that it allowed him to sleep inside his own asshole, walk through walls, and count past eleven.”

Power Balance may be the only thing to combat the Filipino Werewolf.

12 11 2009
Mike

Haven’t seen the film, Elwood, but “best ever” appears to be temporary, why bother. So many good clips, a mosaic that is always open to a new tile. Enjoy what you enjoy and collect happiness, the gift of humanity.

12 11 2009
trauzersnake

Damn, Mike..you’re making me cry in my healthy choice entree and sierra nevada, man.

12 11 2009
Blasphemy Rottmouth

*Hick*

I appreciate the feedback boys. But we should really thank the ASP. For it is their arcane leadership that provides endless fodder for those whose IQ’s hover slightly above room temperature. We are merely the chosen monkeys, whose far-flung poo stench, is sharp enough to tempt those ordained amongst the Association of Slurping Professionals.

*Uuuurrp*

13 11 2009
m

Wow I just want to say how AWESOME the new header is!!!! I love the font, it reminds me of the part in ghost busters where the stay puft marshmellow man is fucking up the city. I think that goes good with the “debauchery” sub header. SWEET!

13 11 2009
mark

@ Trausersnake

That was Bawa Curren was surfing in that movie not Lances Rights. Do your homework buddy!

15 11 2009
Dave Mailman

Hey Blas,
I pissed myself and simultaneously choked on and blew a mouthful of whiskey out my nose as I read through this! Fuckin’ brilliant. If the ASP as it is today is what inspires you to come up with stuff like this, I’m going to tell Brodie to put any and all changes on hold until we get sick of you serving us up such creative and eloquent prose. Who would have known that the ASP could be a muse for anyone, let alone you!?!
Cheers to you my foul-mouthed friend!
Keep it sick and twisted.
Best,
DM

15 11 2009
Mike

Wow, just finished the second half of Blasph’s story and I’m speechless.

If only one magazine published efforts like that, we’d all have something to read, imagine that.

Even smoked ol Dave the Mailman out from his cozy lair.

“wasn’t Nathaniel Curran in this heat”….. damn.

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