All Hail Freddy P.

5 04 2010
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JOB Hires Firm to Restore Most Hated Title

1 04 2010

SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA — On the heals of the Mick Fanning controversy it was announced today Jamie O’Brien has obtained the services of a top shelf public relations firm to regain his status as the most hated man in surfing.

Industry insiders say the professional free surfer and former Pipeline Master has become a distant second to the current ASP World Champion and O’Brien wants to do whatever it takes to restore his universal title as the most hated surfer. A recent focus group held by Stab Magazine found 50 percent of its readers strongly oppose Mick Fanning, while 10 percent had no opinion on the matter. The remaining 40 percent said they did not know what “strongly opposed” means but liked pretty pictures and looking at naughty bits.

Schwartz, Putz and Weinstein is a full service public relations firm, founded recently by Charlie Smith and Derek Rielly. The firm specializes in image overhalls, one-of-a-kind athlete requests and the occasional bris.

“I burned the ASP Rule Book, dressed up like Mormon for my movie…even wore a Chinaman’s hat, but then Mick Fanning calls Chas Smith a ‘fucking Jew’ and it’s like all of a sudden I’m practically invisible,” said a clearly bewildered O’Brien while unhooking his Red Bull dialysis machine “Shootz…What’s up wit dat?”

Smith said he and Rielly will give O’Brien the much-needed guidance to resurrect his ability to cause hatred among surfing’s rank and file. And they will unveil a barrage of print advertisements with the slogan ‘Mickshuggener Fanning is my Homeboy.’

“First, we’ll have Jamie take a crash course we like to call ‘Wiggerology 101.’ It’s kind of like waterboarding except we use malt liquor. Then we force him to listen to Eminem for two days straight and feed him nothing but government cheese, barbeque and menthol cigarettes. It’s early in the process but Jamie appears to be a natural. He’s already showing a strong desire to impregnate multiple women out of wedlock. When he hears police sirens he runs like a gazelle. And he’s seen Scarface 36 times. When we’re done with him he’s going to make ’Lil Wayne look like John Wayne.”

But they didn’t stop there. He recently blinged out his ride by installing a $50,000 sound system and a set 30-inch rims with spinners.

He made it clear he will also change the way he approaches riding waves. Instead of pulling into massive barrels, he’ll dodge them. Airs are out and floaters are in. He’s also spent countless hours in the film room studying skimboarding techniques and Jeremy Flores.

“We’re so excited to be handling J.O.B.,” said Rielly. “He’s obviously taking this seriously and we’re confident Schwartz, Putz and Weinstein will put Jamie back where he belongs…on top. Or should I say the bottom? However he likes it. He’s the client.”





Snickers Satisfies

1 04 2010

The Bell is the most prestigious trophy in surfing. Photo by Joli

Snickers is the presenting sponsor of the Bells event. Officially it’s called the Rip Curl Pro Bells Beach presented by Snickers. I think it’s a good thing Snickers is spending money on professional surfing. Who doesn’t enjoy a Snickers bar from time to time? And their marketing campaign with catchy little slogans on the back of the wrapper is genius.

In conjunction with the Easter pilgrimage to Bells Beach by surfing’s elite, Snickers has launched a new, surf-centric campaign to coincide with Rip Curl Bells Pro. The candy conglomerate will be stocking the VIP and competitor’s area with these chocolate, nougaty treats throughout the event. Nugable was able to get a sneak peek.




Additionally, Rip Curl is developing a wetsuit they say will revolutionize the industry. Designers have been working with Mars, Incorporated (the parent company of Snickers) to develop the first edible wetsuit.

Although it’s still in the development stage and not ready for consumers just yet, they hope to unveil the suit at ASR in September.

“It’s 40 percent neoprene, 30 percent chocolate, 30 nougat and 100 percent delicious,” said Hound Adams, head designer for Rip Curl. “The only problem is Kekoa Bacalso ate the one and only sample during a one-hour session at an undisclosed spot off the Great Ocean Road.”





Bells Preview

26 03 2010

Joel Parkinson rang the Bell in 2009. Look for Parko to have a strong showing in 2010. Photo by ASP/Scholtz

First, I need to rant about something. Josh Kerr should be given a special wildcard in every event this year. Period. Take a wildcard away from the event sponsor at each stop. From what I understand ASP doctors misdiagnosed the severity of his ankle injury last season and he lost his spot because of it. He belongs on the Dream Tour. End of story.    

Next, the following is my Fantasy Surfer team. If you want to join the Official Nugable Clubhouse, all are welcome.*    

Jordy Smith
His punts are like spring rainbows. His rails rain oceanic blood like Samurai swords murdering the Easter Bunny.    

Kelly Slater
The Lumpy Gravy at Bells might just kick-start his quest for 10.      

Kai Otton
His curly locks are so shaggy even Pottz is envious. His backside is lethal.  The way he was surfing at Snapper leads me to believe he’ll make the quarters at the very least.    

Dane Reynolds
When rookie roadkill lies lifeless near the Great Ocean Road, the Venturian Candidate** will need an alibi.    

Owen Wright
Everyone has Owen on their team. He’s like the lone black kid at an all-Asian school when they pick sides for the basketball team.    

Kekoa Bacalso
Bam makes my team just because he likes to drink, buries the rail and rides for Rip Curl. It’s not fucking astrophysics.    

Andy Irons
I really have two Hawaiians known for hatred of cold water on my team? Yeah, I do. ***   

Gabriel Medina
He is green. He is Brazilian. He can huck. It will be interesting if he draws Mick Fanning**** or Parko early.  

Lastly, Shea Lopez graciously agreed to give his thoughts and experiences on Bells.  

Shea On Bells
“Rip Curl does know it’s 2010? In the midst of all the changes to the tour, this year is the perfect time to reinvent this comp. What constitutes a good wave in the now is a far cry from what my dad and his friends searched for in the ’60s. I understand and fully respect the history behind this event, but Bells is a hoo-haw of a wave. The wave is mushy when small, and even mushier if it actually gets big. At size, it’s only barely double overhead, breaks wide of the bowl and closes out across to Winkipop — where the real wave begins. A masters, retro fish, or longboard event would be much more suited for the wave.    

My disgust for surfing heats at Bells was unequaled anywhere on the WT, or even the WQS. My preparation consisted of surfing Winki and praying the event moved there or Joanna. My best result being a fifth at Joanna, while my brother got a third at Phillip Island. The most memorable heat I surfed at Bells was after a long night of partying with some childhood friends of mine. They were just along for the ride and I never minded showing them a good time. Long story, short version. I puked numerous times in the line-up and then blacked out momentarily in the shorebreak. As I stumbled up the beach I had no idea I’d just beaten one of my childhood heroes…until the video crew came rushing up to interview me. A similar experience unfolded that very night, except the next morning Dorian put me in a severe combo situation. 

That’s it. That’s all I can remember of relevance from 10 years at Bells. With numerous quality waves in the area, it’s a shame to waste so much talent on the bunny slopes of Bells.”   

———
*Even if Fantasy Surfer is a colossal failure so far this year and it might make you a little gay by playing.
**Venturian Candidate is a registered trademark borrowed from Enoch Ward. 
*** Mark’s Mom loves this pick.
**** I thought I was hallucinating when Mick’s name was not mentioned in the pre-event release. This is still a Rip Curl event right? He’s world champ? I can’t imagine why he was left out.




2010 Nugable Gear Guide

23 03 2010

1. Drugstore Flip Flops
$4.99
You need a bottle opener on your sandal like you need another hole in your head. That’s so 2007. Use a lighter or your teeth to open that bottle and save 40 bucks in the process. They also have these things called bottle openers. And don’t worry about the blisters on your feet. They build character. These rubber gifts from God will protect the soles of your feet from broken beer bottles and the crack vials that litter your beach.



2. Used bar of Wax

Free
I’m fairly certain they sell this stuff at surf shops. I can’t recall ever buying a bar of wax. Somehow I always have half bar in my ride. There’s a bar melting in my car as I write this. I have no idea how it got there. I probably stole it from some unsuspecting grom. Sometimes I find a perfectly good bar just sitting on the beach. Buying wax is for suckers.

3. Casio 8-Digit Calculator Dual Time Watch
$15.99
Forgot about those high-priced surf watches that keep track of tides and have all those bells and whistles. Fuck that shit. This bad boy has a calculator and it’s a chick magnet. I saw Dane Reynolds use this same watch last summer trying to calculate how much to tip the waitress at Dennys. It was money.

4. Beer Can Covers
$2.99
Did they make drinking on the beach in your city illegal? Not to worry. The beer can cover disguises your liquid lunch with the utmost class. Stick it to the man and enjoy your suds in peace.

5. Zig Zag Rolling Papers
$1.59
The most important tool of any surfer’s arsenal is undoubtedly the rolling paper. Whether you’re a young hipster rolling tobacco or a crusty, old stoner enjoying a pre or post-surf spliff, these always come in handy. I trust no man who cannot roll an adequate joint. You shouldn’t either.



6. Recycled Wetsuit
Free
New wetsuits are overrated. The last for less than one season. Sure, they keep you warm and are super light, but they aren’t exactly sturdy. What’s the answer? Bust out the old suit in your garage when your hi-tech number breaks down. And it’s good for the environment to recycle.





Mick Fanning vs. Stab Magazine

22 03 2010

In December Mick Fanning clinched his second Dream Tour world title. Now he is dealing with a public relations nightmare. Photo: ASP

You have most likely heard about it by now. In its January/February edition Stab Magazine published a story titled “Tales of a Fucking Jew.” In it writer Charlie Smith recounts his altercation with Mick Fanning at a December party in Hawaii to celebrate Fanning’s second world title. Smith stated the newly-crowned ASP World Champion called him a “Fucking Jew” four times. The issue has been subsequently pulled from the newsstands, most likely due to pressure both legally and financially.  

There are a few things I find completely absurd about the situation. First, the statement Mick posted on his web site. I do not know who is advising him, but he should have just apologized unconditionally. End of story. Instead he fires a shot at Stab. He states: “Prior to the exchange with the reporter, I had refused to speak with him because I understood he worked for Stab Magazine and that it had previously published articles which I believed were racist and anti-Semitic.” He continues. “I strongly object to views, statements and comments of that nature.”  

That’s why you felt to need to call Smith a “fucking Jew” four times? Because you “strongly object to views, statements and comments of that nature?” Never mind the fact Smith is not Jewish. But your statements were taken out of context right? It leads me to wonder in what context is it acceptable for a surfing champion to call someone a “fucking Jew?” Fanning stated he was trying to be ironic. Well, congratulations. You succeeded. What’s next? A photo op with a surfing Rabbi?  

Second, for the most part the surf media is not touching the story. The only publications on the story are the Australian newspapers and tabloids. I understand the surf media might view this as a non-story and would rather focus on surfing, not verbal altercations between a journalist and a surfer. I can respect that. But I suspect this is a financial and access driven decision.  

Let’s imagine for a moment if Kobe Bryant or Peyton Manning called a reporter a “fucking Jew.” What would happen? It would be the lead story on ESPN and every single media outlet in America. It would be career suicide. They would be losing endorsements deals, backpedaling and apologizing unconditionally. But this is surfing not the NBA or NFL. And surfing can be so absurd at times. Instead, Stab is being painted as the bad guy here because they had the balls to publish the story and have published so-called racially insensitive stories in the past. 

I am not suggesting Fanning should lose his livelihood for this or I am not going to pretend I am outraged by his comments. What I suspect is Fanning simply had a little bit too much to drink and said something he shouldn’t have.  

Smith told the Australian newspaper on Saturday an inebriated Fanning was upset about an earlier article in which he had criticized the surfer’s “boring” sense of style. Well, one thing is certain. Mick is no longer boring.





Five Photos, Five Quotes

16 03 2010

 

“One should never drive away from good surf.”
— Allan C. Weisbecker, In Search of Captain Zero 

 “Four legs good, two legs better!”
— George Orwell, Animal Farm
 

 

“I often think how unfairly life’s good fortune is sometimes distributed.”
— Leo Tolstoy, War and Peace 

 

“They were like two enemies in love with one another.”
— Fyodor Dostoevsky, The Brothers Karamazov 

“I fear someday I will meet God, he’ll sneeze and I won’t know what to say.”
— Ronnie Shakes