A Surfer’s Guide to the World Cup and Beyond

15 06 2010

Jeffreys Bay. Queen of the South African coastline and home to the World Cup

The online surfing world has been stagnant lately. Well, that’s not completely true. Surfline posted its 47th “How Good Was California This Week?” photo gallery this month. I did enjoy that. Kurungabaa posted the complete works of Dostoyevsky (in Russian). Transworld, (God bless them) ran a Vimeo video of something. And Boardistan (perhaps my personal favorite) kept a tidy tally on its Google news alert with the keywords “Surf, Skate and Snow.” Copy and paste carpel tunnel is no laughing matter gentlemen.

…and so it goes.

The FIFA World Cup kicked off this week in South Africa. I know what you’re thinking. What does surfing and World Cup soccer have in common? Quite a bit actually. The waiting period for the Jeffereys Bay event begins just after the World Cup culminates on July 11. And the World Cup is played every four years, which is roughly the same amount of time between ASP World Tour events. If Nugable had a marketing director he would probably moonlight for the ASP. Or a midget wrestling tour.

Despite all of man’s flaws there are but two types of people on this Earth. Those who enjoy soccer, and those who do not. The same divide or separation criterion exists elsewhere of course. For instance, people who don’t enjoy Frank Zappa or Thenolious Monk. Or Salvador Dali. And of course The Surfer and Non Surfer—heathens who have never ridden a single fin or never enjoyed an evening session waiting for one last wave before the sun lazily slumbers into the pillowy horizon.

Then there’s the soccer fan. Although the soccer fan is batshit crazy. He is not completely batshit crazy. That distinction is reserved for Los Angeles Lakers’ fans who attach purple and gold flags to their cars.

The World Cup is an international affair with teams from every single continent including Antarctica AND Arizona. Okay, I was kidding. I’m not sure if Alabama  Arizona is really a continent or a country or what it is. Don’t get me wrong. I did the research. Arizona’s chamber of commerce website, although impressive in its own right, had nothing but advertisements for a talking Jesus doll and piñata crucifixes.

OK, back to the Soccer or the Surfing. The ASP will cut its premier product down to 32 surfers in two months. The same number of teams in the 2010 World Cup. Let’s look at some of the teams and how they correspond with the surfers we love and even some we hate.

Spain
Surfer the team resembles: Jordy Smith
Key Players: Fernando Torres and Iker Casillas
History: Semifinals (1950), Quarterfinals (1934, 1994, 2002), Knockout Round (1982, 1990, 2006).
Odds to Win: 4-1
España is one of the favorites to take home the gold trophy. They are the second ranked team in the world. Let’s just say Liverpool forward Torres and Jordy enjoy the finer things in life and leave it at that.

Brazil
Surfer the team resembles: Tom Curren or Kelly Slater
Key Players: Every single goddamn one of them.
History: Winners (1958, 1962, 1970, 1994, 2002) Finals (1950, 1998) Semifinals (1938, 1974, 1978) Quarterfinals (1954, 1986, 2002)
Odds to Win: 4.5-1
The play a beautiful brand of futbol. They have the pedigree and back it up. They don’t just win, they win with style. And if they don’t, they stab themselves and feed off their own blood.

England
Surfer the team resembles: Dane Reynolds
Dane is a media darling. When he is on he is on. When he is not he is not. Like a fickle New York apartment furnace with Beethoven or Bach providing the background music on an old record player, popping vinyl and sizzling lows. The Three Lions aren’t as cool but like Dane they don’t always show their best stuff.
Key Players: Wayne Rooney and Frank Lampard
History: Winners 1966, Semifinals 1990, Quarterfinals (1954, 1962, 1970, 1986, 2002, 2006).
Odds to Win: 6-1

Italy
Surfer the team resembles: Occy
Mr. Occhilupo is an Australian Italian. Perhaps the best combination on genetics possible. Like a rhinoceros and a koala bear with athletic ability and cooking skills.
Key Players: Daniele De Rossi and Gigi Buffon.
History: Winners (1934, 1938, 1982, 2006) Finalists (1970, 1994) Semifinalists (1978, 1990)
Odds to Win: 12-1

Germany
Surfer the team resembles: Mick Fanning
Key Players: All of them. Tall Arians who score and expect nothing but ze best. Precision. Like A Mercedes running on beer and nuclear ethanol.
History: Winners (1954, 1974, 1990) Finals (1966, 1982, 1986, 2002) Semifinals (1934, 1958, 1970, 2006)
Odds to Win: 12-1

Netherlands
Surfer the team resembles: Bede Durbidge
The Clockwork Orange is a formidable squad, seemingly always in the hunt. Durbidge is a formidable surfer. They shall be formidable together. Expect a quarterfinals appearance for the Orange.
Key Players: Arjen Robben and Robin Van Persie
History: Finals (1974, 1978) Semifinals (1998)
Odds to Win: 12-1

France
Surfer the team resembles: Jamie O’Brien
Key Player: Franck Ribery
Les Bleus has had plenty of success on the international stage. The Frogs are abhorred by some and adorned by others. They both show up when it counts. Like Pipeline or the premier sporting tournament in existence.
History: Winner (1998) Finalist (2006) Semifinalist (1958, 1982, 1986)
Odds to Win: 16-1

USA
Surfer the team resembles: Gabe Kling
I vaguely remember Kling winning an ASP Prime event at Trestles. It was like the Bizzaro Seinfeld episode when there was an alternative Kramer, Jerry and Costanza. In this bizzaro universe the Yanks might actually have a shot.
Key Players: Clint Dempsey and Tim Howard.
History: Semifinals (1930) Quarterfinals (2002) Qualified (1934, 1950, 1990-1998, 2006)
Odds to Win: 80-1

Mexico
Surfer the team resembles: Bobby Martinez
Who else, right? El Tri is scrappy. They get good results. They aren’t afraid to get dirty.
Key Players: Giovanni Dos Santos and Andres Guardado
History: Quarterfinalists (1970, 1986)
Odds to Win: 80-1

South Africa
Surfer the team resembles: Travis Logie
The host nation is soccer’s equivalent to a wasted ASP wildcard from the event sponsor. They are ranked 88th in the world by FIFA. They may become the first host nation to not make it out of the knockout round.
History: Qualified 1998, 2002 (banned from 1966 to 1992 because of Apartheid)             
Odds to Win: 125-1

North Korea
Surfer the team resembles: Marco Polo
Is he still on tour? Did North Korea really qualify for the Cup? Is Kim Jong-il on the team? Hell, I don’t know? If Marco Polo launched torpedoes at opponents this season would he make it out of a heat? Who knows?
History: Quarterfinals (1966)
Odds to Win: 2 Million-1

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100 responses

15 06 2010
Clifford Bowes

*(edited for boredom’s sake)

Wait.

Why does it say this is the first comment. Should this be number 334?

15 06 2010
Clifford Bowes

(!)

15 06 2010
Fake Chas Smith

Christiano Ronaldo and I I frequent the same hair salon. True story.

15 06 2010
Mike

Worth waiting for Mr Nug.

Like a feral crawling out of the obscure bushes to nab the tube of the trip, Nug finds the diamond amongst a decidedly rough interim between a poorly planned ASP schedule. Soccer and surfing woven into a tapestry of comedy.

Sure makes Enoch and Mark look like QS lifers.

Bravo.

15 06 2010
Kim jong il

Good post we been waiting a long time in NK. First off nice list except for Marco polo.

We almost beat brasil and then you compare us to a brasilian??!!

You are not allowed in my wave pool, ever!

Prepare your family for a big bang very soon!! ( we have had nukes since ’69)

15 06 2010
Rabbi Bartholomew

I could not find the Israeli game on ESPN or Telemundo? Oy Vey.

Just watched the North Koreans against the Brazilians. Because the People’s Republic of NK pays Chinese actors to “fill” the stadium I shall root for them now.

15 06 2010
Clifford Bowes

Edit Me?

EDIT MEEEEE????

How dare you insinuate that I, Clifford Bowes, and my colleague Peter Evers, are anything close to boring. Why we shared a latte today, same straws and all, after a little boogie boarding session in NSW. Later, I will grade papers by impotent, thoughtless twats wearing Che Guevara t-shirts on the Epic of Gilgamesh. What did yoooooouuu do today buster???

Btw, Peter Evers may be the best Porn name evaaahhhhh!

15 06 2010
The Nug

I did you a favor. That’s the A game I was looking for.

15 06 2010
Smyrna Jeff's Diaphram

oooooh, that Kim jong ill is so cute and Smyrna has a thing for dramatic asians. I’d better secure myself…..

15 06 2010
might I add

Argentina
Surfer the team resembles: Joel Parkinson
Key Players: Lionel Messi, Diego Milito
History: Winners (1978, 1986), Finals (1930, 1990), Semifinals ( 1974), Quarterfinals ( 1966, 1998, 2006)
Odds to Win: 3.5-1
They play fast, objective and very smooth. Coached by the icon Diego Maradona, who made a historical hand goal in 1986’s World Cup eliminating England 2×1. Right now I feel like Argentina resembles Dingo, but since I’ve put Parko already, I’ll stick with it! (and Dingo surfs nothing like Messi plays). Involved with many scandals of cocaine use Maradona has now an excellent chance to aggregate value to his name clinching soccer’s most wanted trophy.

15 06 2010
The Nug

Yes you may. Thanks. I also should have said something about the Portugese.

15 06 2010
Rabbi Bartholomew

The Angentines are more like Andy Irons or Flea. No?

15 06 2010
Kurungabaa's Editorial Staff Meeting

Clifton: “Gentlemen, please come to order. I realize everyone is elated after that spectacular boogie board session, but we must get down to business”

Peter: ” Agreed, although that shampoo you executed on that ankle high left was commendable Evers. But the task at hand is this, Nug and his juxtaposition of surfing metaphors and soccer truths. Really, what does an American know about footy anyway, what with their hands being involved and all”

Tom: “He thinks he is so clever. Those shortboarders in America have such egos”

Peter: “Well, the point may well be that we need to spice up our content a bit or suffer indignity at the hands of those performance obsessed Seppo’s”

Rebecca: ” I dunno, some of them Nugables are humorous, I reckon”

DIna: ” Oh Rebecca, why don’t you just throw yourself at the buggers.”

Peter: ” Ladies, they’re just a bunch of elitist’s over there with their sarcasm and metaphorical fuckery. Our challenge is to make our blog more compelling without allowing THEM any influence, especially with our women!”

Rebecca: “I dunno, they’re just so dreamy and gentlemanly. Especially that Enoch and of course his Nug. Some of the others seem so dreary with their candor and wit, but I wonder if Cali girl could fill us in on Mark and Elwood?”

Clifton: ” Are we crazy? They’re a bunch of madmen posing as drunken yobbo’s! All this inflammatory posturing can’t be introduced to our local blog!!”

Dina: ” Comeon Clifton, you know you’re curious. I thought the soccer post was genius and afterall, all we are known for is a Abo term for pelicans for gods sake”

The meeting is abruptly interruppted by Gary C…” Hey everyone, I just spun my sponge twice on the same wave!!!!” As he pans the room and the forelorn faces of the editorial staff. ” For fucks sake, why isn’t anyone drinking Toohey’s already? What’s going on?”

Peter: “Sit down Mate, Nug has written a masterpiece and our relevancy is duller than the piss getting warm. But I have an idea….”

Pat Grant: ” Well finally, something productive of this mess”

Peter: ” I’ve placed a call with Charlie Smith and have asked him to intervene on our behalf. He even agreed to boogie board with us this arvo to discuss our strategy. This Nug will have his day and we… ours”

15 06 2010
The Nug

For the record, I love Kurungubaa. I currently “subscribe” to three magazines. The Surfer’s Journal, The K and Ebony.

15 06 2010
Sully Thames

^^ LOLCOPTRZZZ!!!!1111!!!!!1!

15 06 2010
NSW Journalism Spy

Clifton: “That turtleneck looks marvelous on you Peter… the black color really provides a picturesque canvas for the limp Djarum that dangles from your moist lips. Care for a sip from my machiatto?”

Peter: (adjusting his beret) “Why thank you Clif, my Chai Tea was beginning to taste as boring as those chaps who financed my last book about the Kama Sutra techniques of Migrating Swallows.”

Tom: *chortles* “You said ‘swallows.’”

Peter: “Oh Thomas, you insufferable little bugger. You sound like those rotten mouthed blasphemer’s that drink and throw fecal matter at the walls of their mother’s basements.”

Tom: “Sorry Pete. It’ll never happen again. The blood oath of ‘keeping our thumbs firmly up our arses’ was momentarily forgotten by your humble scribe.”

Clifton: “You hush your tongue Tom, before someone hears you and tries to infiltrate us! We’re like the Skull and Bones at Yale, except not as smart. This is serious business mate. You know if Tim Baker ever caught a whiff of you passing along our code of conduct, he’d punch you right in the mouth… or worse, make you read his book on Mick Fanning.”

Rebecca: “Ummm, I hate to interrupt, but I thought I’d ask: ‘Who am I’?”

Dina: “Who are you? I don’t even know who I am!”

Peter: “Ladies, you are integral to our success and are important to the future of surf journalism. We can’t continue our quest to be the bastard son of a poor man’s version of The Surfer’s Journal without your stellar contributions.”

Clifton: “I’ll cheer to that, mate!”

**mirthful laughter breaks loose**

15 06 2010
Kurungabaa's Editorial Staff Meeting

Later that arvo after the east wind has blown out the intended session…. Peter Bowles looks across a chaotic pub as all the editors point fingers erratically…

Peter: ” Please everyone, show some restraint. As stated earlier, I’ve invited a unique talent to help us to stem the Nug tide…. It is my distinct pleasure to introduce Chas Smith!”

A tall, effeminate bloke emerges from the smoke of his meticulously placed camel cigarette and the room turns silent.

Charlie: “Sorry all, up the coast a few, I experienced a loss of my paddle and realized that SUP’ing without that paddle was quite challenging for someone as gaunt as myself. To make matters worse, I dislodged from the craft during an inclimate wind event and my coiffe required an unusual amount of time to acclimate to the loss of hair wax loss. I believe I’ve recovered from the dramatic event and thank you all for inviting me here tonight. Your predicament is not unique, the mediterraneans over at Stab have experienced the same castration, if you will, over the Nug’s prowess and his merry band of angry pundits… but fear not pelicans, I have a plan…”

Rebecca whispers to no one in particular: ” Thank Laird he’s here and where did he find that blouse?”

Clifton nudges Rebecca to calm as Chas continues….” I too have felt the unkind hand of Nug’s keyboard acumen and this insecurity has rendered me neutered time and again. The blokes over at Stab would never acquiesce to my insistence that fire be met with fire, but I have a secret weapon!”

Chas pulls a thin periodical out from under his near see through blouse and exposes the cover…..

” Ebony is a bad ass black son of a bitch name takin, brother makin mag and I implore all you pelicans to think like a CROW!”

Gary: “For fuck sake, what’s the poofter talking about?”

Chas: “Silence. The only way to combat this snug seppo Nug is to fight gangsta, the way of the crow. Pelicans have such an anemic presence, floating around aimlessly and never really catching much. To explore the true depths of your reader demographics, we MUST become the crow!”

All in attendance move to the front of their seats, jaws agape. Chas revels in the attentive glares and motions to Peter…. “Peter, what is the Abo name for the Crow?”

Peter turns to Clifton who turns to Dina, already busy googling the crow definition in aborigine. This group is nothing if not industrious, albeit devoid of confidence.

Chas continues… ” Only when we achieve the screech of the Crow can we meet this Nug on an equal playing field”. With a triumphant gesture, Chas throws the Ebony magazine onto the beer garden table, open to an expose on Lil Wayne. Rebecca, Dina and Tom blush at the cover picture filled with tattoos and diamond teeth ecoutrement. Chas notices their fascination and rolls up his left sleeve exposing his random collection of cliched tattoos.

Clifton: ” I hear you mate, but our effort is existential and more soulful than some vapid expression of contrived anger. We deliver the freedom from fins, the beauty of soft tops and rails and the art in tiny surf. Why would we want to lower ourselves to some animalistic, monosymbolic beat… it would signify that we are lowering ourselves to their lowest common denominator”

Chas rolls his eyes in frustration and runs his hands through his hair while finally expending his camel and retrieving his next.

Chas: “Look, Nug has created a new standard, much as I have by breaking down the walls of surfing homophobia and misogyny. All the neanderthals said that I could not gay up pro surfing, that GT, Jed and Derek had all failed before me and look what I’ve achieved!” Chas’ cold blue eyes pan the editors frozen in his stare….

“You must all become the crow, the black and dark crow. You must think like the crow and you must write like the crow”… with that, Chas steps down from the nearby stage, passes his comb to Peter and excuses himself to the loo.

The editors eyes all return to the image of Lil wayne, naked and bare on a two page spread, defiantly preparing for a lengthy prison sentence and the analogy was not lost on them.

They too have constructed a prison around their intellects, though none had prepared for the darkness of that cage. Kurungabaa’s collective literary aesthetic was faced with the conundrum of their making….. enter the fray of an unedited discourse or perish in the flight of a vacant pelican.

17 06 2010
ButSeriouslyNow...

f-u-c-k-e-n A funny.
what are you on when you write something like this?
alcohol? pot? meth? lysergic? all the aforementioned at same time?
man, i do miss this blog now and again …

15 06 2010
Mike

I don’t mind collaborating Enoch, an offer I’ve extended to you often, but could you please resist fucking up my script until you read the ending?

15 06 2010
Fake Luis Samuels

Dear Laird in heaven, look what I have created…

15 06 2010
Enoch Ward

Hu… wha…?

15 06 2010
might I add

Portugal is easy, here it goes

Portugal
Surfer: Adriano de Souza
Key Players: Cristiano Ronaldo and his hair stylist
History: WGaF
Odds to win: 18-1 (in reality it is way higher)

Although everyone knows Portugal will never get it, everyone will always ( due to geopolitic matters) support Portugal as if it could get it.

15 06 2010
Mark

#Nug

How was R.J.’s today? Little combo program but maybe the wind choked it?

Down here Wi__a_S__ was actually really fun and EMPTY. Funny how those gray kind of not that impressive looking days end up being memorable.

Love da combo brah. Cali Girl would have been frothing.

15 06 2010
The Nug

I caught one of those “gray kind of not that impressive looking days that turn memorable” last week.

15 06 2010
Mark

Oh yeah and btw welcome back. Please, PLEASE write something big soon. I feel that you have greatness in your immediate future Nug.

Take a deep breath and paddle over into the pit and STROKE! Charge it!!!

15 06 2010
Mark

And to be truthful, no bullshit, Alabama is actually a really nice place with some genuine, beautiful people.

Like, for example, my mom.

15 06 2010
Mike

Feelin homesick Mark?

15 06 2010
Peter Bowels

@Mark-

you better get down there as much as you can. Seriously, bro. Play some free golf. hang out.

TS

15 06 2010
trauzersnake

…AWw FUCK! So much for aliases.

15 06 2010
Mike

Trauzer gets through the Kurungabaa gustapo, then Nug licks their balls (brilliant?, seriously)….

15 06 2010
Mark

@TS

I’ll make a deal with you bro.

You come down with me for a 3 day country club golf bender. We can stay at my mom’s and eat awesome food and get pampered.

Just promise that you won’t get with my sister please. All I need is to sit at the table at Thanksgiving and here a graphic description of your ” prowess” if you get my drift.

15 06 2010
trauzersnake

@Mike-

Yeah, but I took one for the team last night. But they didn’t delete me, although they “edited” me.

15 06 2010
trauzersnake

@Mark-

Can Blasphemy Rottmouth come too? To break up the monotony…just sayin’

16 06 2010
t

Most suck to be on the west coast since the games are over by the time most of your guys wake up.

Heres what you missed, Spain lost 1 nil to the Swiss. Swiss had 4 yellow cards and only 8 shots on goal.

Only notables to actually win were GER and BRA.
( though, i do believe BP forced England to give the yanks their goal)

16 06 2010
brazilian buddy

spain just lost to switzerland
lol

16 06 2010
Inside a Nugable Editorial Meeting

Nug: Does anyone have a lighter?
Remembers he has one in his pocket.
Takes a sip of Yuban.
Exits through the side door because there is a combo swell brewing…the tail of his board clips the door for the 100th time.
Surfs, goes home and reads Henry Miller.
The end.

16 06 2010
Jamon Bagel

100,000 points for the Yuban reference.

17 06 2010
ButSeriouslyNow...

i second the bagel guy. and i bet danny thomas would crack a big beaked smile if he read the nug …

17 06 2010
ButSeriouslyNow...

i’ve been so informed by the brains of the outfit and she sez it was maxwell house, not yuban. duh. wimmen ….

16 06 2010
Fake Derek Reilly

@Kruganbaaa Editorial Staff,

I have an idea to pitch for your upcoming magazine. It involves time travel, turkey lips, Jed Smith, and Charlie Smith:

Okay, so totes probs here it goes:

Jed Smith travels to the late nineteenth century where his richly tanned skin makes him something of a celebrity in Victorian high society. Alexandra of Denmark, then Princess of Wales and later the first Transexual Queen Consort, develops a keen interest in Jed, leading other members of the upper class to embrace him. He eventually becomes a totes fav of Queen Victoria. On the 7th of April 1890, he passes away unexpectedly. His death is apparently caused by the accidental dislocation of his neck during a particularly intense bout of autoerotic asphyxiation. His preserved remains are shipped to the pathology collection at the Royal London Hospital until it is later bid upon by the late Michael Jackson.

The coverage of Jed’s death during time travel garners the hit column in STAB 8.0 ‘Charlie Smith’s Time Travel Scavenger Hunt’ its best reviews ever. Charlie himself, heartbroken over the loss of Jed and his lone testicle, returns to Victorian England in a subsequent story and posthumously harvests enough bone marrow to have eight Jed’s made in 22nd century China. One Jed clone (aka: “Chocolate Starfish”) completes the Scavenger Hunt, six are killed in Chas’s all time ratings record holder special: ‘Six Jed’s Snuffed By Grote Turkey Lips – LIVE!,’ and the eighth Jed files for emancipation from Chas and marries Jamie O’Brien IV.

The death of the Prime Jed also generates an alternate reality where Ryan Seacrest defeats Al Gore in a controversial U.S Presidential Election in AD 2000.

Soooo… whaddaya think???

What?

Why is everyone looking at me like that?

16 06 2010
Lucky Al

greetings nugablonians, alex from kurungabaa here. just popping by to say thanks for all the attention you’ve been paying us lately and remind you that we initially conceived of kurungabaa as a print thing – a mag you can read on the dunny – and it’s still that, as well as the blog you know so well. i’m laying out our next issue this week (our fifth since april 2007) and reckon it’s looking alright. liking to think of kurungabaa as a space where surfing imaginaries can be free (but also a safe place – the balance isn’t easy to maintain) we don’t take ads and therefore are pretty much as broke as a surf mag can be, so please subscribe or donate and since some of you aren’t bad writers contribute too. cheerio, i’ve got a potplant to water and an album to put on.

16 06 2010
Enoch Ward

@Lucky Al,

Mark writes some great stuff. He once wrote that he would submit to a limestone enema while angry Chilean peasants threw roofing hammers at him just for the chance to eat the loose desiccated French fries under the seat of George W. Bush’s leased BMW – despite the fact that they had been rendered inedible by Time and Fate.

Couple that with the fact that his mother’s so fat that bats camp out inside the fleshy rolls of her neck, and I’d think you’d HAVE to publish his scrivenings.

16 06 2010
Enoch Ward

Btw, Futbol is just a bunch of grown men chasing a ball around a large grassy field. Grow up and get a job… like driving a truck or something, for Laird’s sake.

16 06 2010
Enoch Ward

@Mike,

We need to hear the end of your script. I promise not to interject with any extracurricular scenes from your masterpiece.

And by “I”, I mean whoever NSW Journalism Spy was.

16 06 2010
Nick Carroll

Nug you missed another team.

AUSTRALIA
Surfers the team resembles: The collected contributors to the Nugable comments section
The Commentarians exist under pseudonyms; however, one silently suspects they’d struggle to paddle out at 4′ Huntington (that’s actual four foot, by the way, not Surfline’s “chest high” version). Similarly, the Australian World Cup team are a pack of no-name gooses in way over their heads, surrounded by actual soccer players and with only one weapon at their disposal: violence. What a shame even that plays into the hands of almost every other team in the competition, whose members just love a chance to fall over screaming in agony. Ironically — or perhaps not! — the Commentarians were flogged in the first round without mercy, 4-0, by Germany, the team most resembling Mick Fanning.
Key players: Don’t be ridiculous.
History: 1974, failed; 2006, failed. (Ie: It doesn’t matter what era you’re in, retro single-fin idiot or born again SUPper — you’re still a dud.)

Take that, ya pack of floundering half-men. Let this be a lesson to the bloody lot of youse. You insult Chucky Smith at your Peril.

16 06 2010
Enoch Ward

LOL!

Nick was typing that before he read my post at 18:45pm. Good on ya Mike!

16 06 2010
Mark

Enoch Ward isn’t a tenth as succesful as he has stated in the past. And his wife smokes meth while rockin to Metallica in her old Dodge Dart. I happen to know this for certain.

Come out of the basement and step in to the light BruHymn. You obviously are struggling with demonic spirits.

17 06 2010
Jamon Bagel

500 points for the Dodge Dart. You just can’t beat a Slant 6 for longevity and smoothness.

50 more points for Metallica, just ’cause.

-100 on the meth, so she still comes out ahead.

16 06 2010
Enoch Ward

Mark,

Your mother’s ass looks like an English bulldog vomiting up a chewed tennis ball… get over it. I am heading back to Burbank as we speak to write more unsuccessful scripts for unsuccessful movies that allow me to live by the beach, surf, and write disparaging jokes about your mother at will.

What did yooooouuuu do today????

17 06 2010
Mark

Surfer Enoch Ward resembles most?

How about a combo of Scott Mcrannuels with a really bad sunburn, Alex Knost after mistakenly putting on his skinnier boyfriends jeans in the morning after a long night at Mutt Lynches, Peter King before he fixed his teeth and Brenda Scott from the Lane after a late seventies west side carb fest while waiting for the tide to drop at the Slot.

17 06 2010
Enoch Ward

@Mark,

You are far to kind. But I look more like a smudge of spackle clinging to the abdomen of a Daddy Longlegs spider. I prefer to think of myself as the ugly son of Bella Lugosi and a sack of wet cement. I’m so white that I use Mayonnaise as tanning lotion. You can x-ray me with a flashlight – medical fact. I am so slight that your knuckles would be too embarrassed to beat me up.

And yet despite these physical limitations, I have found a way to persevere.

@Lucky Al,

“…so please subscribe or donate and since some of you aren’t bad writers contribute too.”

Don’t be delusional, ol’ chap.

17 06 2010
Fake Lucky Al

Good evening Nugables. I would just like to remind you all that we at Krugunabaa are committed to not making any profit while publishing stories about the ocean, surfing, and the size of Peter Bowes’ vestigial tail. In fact, we are so broke, that even Steve Nug feels sorry for us. You may not know this, but we have to rob our own students so we can rummage up enough cash for our daily cup o’ cappuccino whilst we divulg the day’s previous boogie boarding sesh at the local slab. Did I mention that we are poor? Just like every other surf blogger? Shoots, I haven’t showered in three weeks and I smell like an elevator fart. On the plus side, my hair is beginning to dreadlock so my students think I’m more hip than ever. Yowza! However, we at the magazine must maintain the safety of our sanctimonious and brittle readers. They are a fragile bunch, you know. I have read what goes on here, and believe me, it is downright dangerous stuff. We don’t want that over here. That said, I’d like to further insult your intelligence by stating that we here at K-braa extend a hearty invitation for you to contribute to our awesome magazine. It may sound like a contradiction, but luckily, in Australia, we don’t understand what that means. Now if you’ll be so kind as to excuse me, I am going to piss on my hemp plants and beat off to a killer spoken word record.

Cheerio lads n’ lasses.

17 06 2010
maradona

We are good very good……

17 06 2010
John Usa

@Joe, Aus. Your an idiot mate.

17 06 2010
Joe, Aus.

@ john, usa, Fuck off bro….

17 06 2010
mark

@ enoch ward.
So white that u use mayonaisse for suntan lotion?

No wonder my mom likes to kiss you all over.

17 06 2010
Fake Bart Simpson

¡Aye Kurungabaa!

17 06 2010
Rabbi Bartholomew

@ Nick Carroll

Great assessment of the Australian soccer team. Although I would say the Aussies are more like you in your prime on the IPS Tour. Just happy to be there.

17 06 2010
Fake Jed Smith

Hey Nug, please don’t send your commentors over our way either. Here at Stab we make sure no one with an IQ over four is allowed to comment. And we certainly won’t allow anyone to say anything disparaging about the pro’s whose cocks we’re polishing.

Thank you in advance.

17 06 2010
Mike

@ Rabbi…… hee hee, I agree. NCarroll was nothing more than someones brother… can’t remember who though.

17 06 2010
dark meat

WHO THE FUCK NAMES THEIR CHARACTER OAHU

17 06 2010
smynajeff

If jamon bagel were a pro he would be like a combo of dave rastavich and pauline menzer.

In other words an ugly, stink bug stanced fake environmentalist.

21 06 2010
Jamon Bagel

Huh?

17 06 2010
Fake Blasphemy Rottmouth

Fuck, shit, cock, balls, bukkaki, vagina, pussy, get the poison out, penetration, cunt, twat, dick, mark’s mom, eyeball, turkey lips, meat curtain, meat whistle, feces, poop, fart, toilet, urinal, mark’s mom, mark’s mom, testicle, deep throat, anus, asshole, butthole, dickweed, retard, mongoloid, mark’s mom, fat, i love monsters, blowjob, 69, yogurt cannon, throbbing, pulsating, fluffer, mark’s mom, LOLCOPTRZ!!!1!

17 06 2010
Cyrus

The first paragraph alone was priceless. Rare to find someone who is on the exact same page in terms of how one views other shit websites. Welcome back Nug.

17 06 2010
Mike

Aren’t Kobe celebrations awkward?

17 06 2010
Fake Mark

Blasphemy Rottmouth is so fake that fake chas smith as well as fake Lucky Al are both astounded at how insincere and fake he is.

BR and Enoch Ward are both sad, lonely and strangely curious as well as being 100% misrepresentative of their status and position in the so cal financial pecking order.

Pull back the curtain wizard of Enoch. Show us the pathetic little kook that writes the jokes that make the old commenters laugh. I would really get on you but I fear that you will commit suicide LIVE, in prime time during J-Bay, right here on Nugable.

And trust me I have ENOUGH to worry about trying to be Mark to shoulder THAT burden.

17 06 2010
Fake Cali Girl

I am SOOOOOOOOOOO drunk right now! Yeehaaawww boys! See ya at Nationals and please make sure the senior team knows my room number at Days Inn. I’m gonna be gettin AFTER it!

17 06 2010
trauzersnake

Ron Artest raised up. “I’d like to thank my psychologist”…classic. Black Mumba finds a way…..”what was that??…..PAU GASOL!!!!!!……as the helpless lemmings are trapped in the densly populated, tightly enclosed space.

18 06 2010
Enoch Ward

I find it funny that Cyrus is right on with his comment… considering the fact that his blog blows harder than eleven Adam Carolla’s trying to orally fill an eighteen wheeler’s tire.

I kid.

But not really.

18 06 2010
Enoch Ward

Pau… GASOLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!11!!

I am an elevator fart… just like Lucky Al…

18 06 2010
Enoch Ward

@Cyrus,

But really I was kidding. I fucked the joke up because of this here sweet sweet bottle of Jameson… so sweet. Why do I always listen to her? Jameson.

Say it with me…

Jay

meh

sooooohhhhnn.

Perhaps I have embibed too much for thish evening. Ignore my rantsss before… they mean NOtHINgggkk

18 06 2010
USA

is a bunch of soft cock cunts when it comes to soccer…….

18 06 2010
USA

i retract the above statement based on the SECOND HALF…..

18 06 2010
Enoch Ward

**This just in:**

Do not drink a half o’ fifth o’ whisky on an emty tummy and then comment on Nugable at midnight.

18 06 2010
Enoch Ward

Fake Blasphemy Rottmouth is so fake that Heidi Montag wants to graft him onto her face. In fact, he’s so fake he’s going to extend an invitation to Kurungabaa to contribute to his blog.

*zing*

21 06 2010
Jamon Bagel

Sweet!!! How did you get italics???

18 06 2010
Pobby Brown

England is more like Parko.

Every World Cup, it’s “England’s” year, but like Parko, they fail to go the distance.

USA is looking more like Bede cira 2008 with every game.

18 06 2010
Fake Frank Woodbury

Pro surfing itself is fake. And all the shitty surf mags with their mega ads puking out faggy looking kooks all over my coast.

18 06 2010
Mark

@ Fake Frank Woodbury

I feel you regarding the mags and faggy lookin kooks but pro surfing itself is one of the more REAL sports out there.

How about 7-14-2009 at J-Bay? What about the 1984 Pipe Masters final day with Joey ” dreams come true man, dreams come true!” Buran getting somewhere around 12 barrels in the final?

What about Greg Long winning the fucking EDDIE!!!!????

Yeah mr. Fake Frank Woodbury. Pro surfing is real my friend. And it has never been as real as will be when Jordy wins J-Bay and then, in thunderous ten foot cathederals, Andy Irons rises from the abyss and takes out Tahiti.

Bring on the CT!!!!!!

18 06 2010
Nugable Poet Laureate

In times such as this, I wax poetic:

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I love surfing and I want to bang Maya Gabeira too.

Thank you all, and good night.

18 06 2010
Mike

Mark you’re frothing with nearly a month to wait.

How pro surfing could fuck up the southern hemi fall/winter is beyond logic.

This time last year, Parko was being coronated.

Can’t even remember who won Brazil.

I think Kelly is still in first.

Momentum lost…..

18 06 2010
Enoch Ward

@Mike,

Astute.

The ASP would have served itself better to have hired Clif the Dog and Joe “Satch” Satriani to map out its current curriculum. All bark and glitz – and no bite or style. Memo to Brodie Carr and the rest of his noodnick’s: hire people who THINK instead of washed up x-professionals living on corpo dimes when planning your ‘next big step’.

glub glub glub

Whiskey tastes better when the waves are poor and there be human flesh to fry… eh!

So yeah, J-Bay will feature a large Jordy disappointment. And unlike Kobe last night, Jordanian Smith doesn’t have a team to boost his scores…

Wait.

I forgot surfing is judged by mortal men wearing sunglasses the size of Honda windshields and hats that hover over the tips of their noses.

Nevermind. Crown Mr. Smith.

Carry on.

19 06 2010
might I add

@pobby brown

Spain is also like Parko or England, this even blog has named it as most likely to clinch the cup with a 4-1 chance. But there Spain goes fuckin it up

Another thing world cup resembles the ct (ohh fuck the capitals it’s just a waste of time and energy to extend my finger to shift key, this is a fuck blog were I suppose to have some fun, not some phd essay) anyways, those games like: slovenia x algeria, new zeland X slovakia are the same as nate yeomans X blake thornton, ben dumm X christopher columbus. Just like moving my little finger all the time, fucking pointless

19 06 2010
Mark

@Enoch Ward

There is a really good meeting at the Oceanside Moose Lodge on the corner of P.C.H. and the 78. Men only on Sunday nights at 7.

I’m just sayin you might want to consider it bro. Your liver has to be operating at 30% capacity or less.

19 06 2010
NUNO

Hey Nug…It’s PortugUese….

and we resemble to the wave OURS

because the world cup will never be OURS 😉

19 06 2010
Real God

You just don’t get it Mark…. your gentlemens meeting includes prayers to fantatsy “gods” who will save you from yourself. Enoch is a tortured genius and the Jamesons is merely a transit corridor from mind to fingertips…. his liver understands and is complicit. (that means in cahoots)

Or he is joking with you…. oh right, you take everything written here as literal fact. Something about sarcasm doesn’t play out with the “belief” crowd, though I appreciate your “faith”… just don’t hold me to it.

Where I take exception to mr Ward is his apparent soccer fixation. The man makes his money with his fingers, yet he ignores his hands for sport? Following the elbow dragging, obtusity of global “football” ( pointless running around and very occasionally followed by an equally random “score”) while failing to embrace the REAL AMERICAN pastimes like organized violence (NFL), organized violence even more random (NHL) and a sport so poorly judged it allows even the ASP a sliver of legitimacy (NBA). And as you all know, I FAVOR the USA in all things miraculous.

Wow, all in one paragraph. I bow to your applause.

And if you send me money Mark, I will consider all your prayer… I do have a lot on my plate currently, so please be patient. Those damn Iraqi’s pretty much flood up half of my day with their hunger this, dying that stuff. Then the time zone enters Gaza and it’s like a flock of Kurungabaa’s squaking in an indecipherable cacophony. Anyway Mark, your requests will addressed as long as you worship my statue.

Sincerely in our Laird,

god

19 06 2010
mark

@real god

Hi mike.

19 06 2010
Enoch Ward

Well Mike, if your ego hasn’t already been stoked enough, now Mark is calling you god. If you are god and I am Satan, then we should hook up for whiskey and smokes sometime and decide who gets stuck with Mark for eternity.

19 06 2010
Shakalaka

chall brah does anyone surf HB pier brah chah

19 06 2010
Real God

My old friend Enoch. So nice to hear from you, I’ve missed your humor.

Since your departure from my realm, much has been said about your insolence. I still consider it a misunderstanding, but understand this…. I know everything and all, simultaneously. It’s what I do.

Free will or destiny? A hampster trail of circular logic is your hell, if you so choose. I have my ways.

As for my child Mark, allow a man to enjoy his drink. You’re hardly the innkeeper of sobriety. Be nice to humans and distrust the machination of Money. Follow My word, every week after you’ve be reborn from My word, so shall you treat all humans as if they are your own. Except of course those who don’t worship thou sect of radical religion as your own… the chosen one by Me.

In I, I trust,

Real God

20 06 2010
The judging panel from the infamous 7 man final at pipe i

We judge that Mike’s latest alias, Real God, is quite possibly the funniest one he has ever come up with.

Of course it is the ONLY funny one he has come up with.

But what do we know? We allowed Da Hui to intinidate us into not penalizing Buttons for paddling out into competition when he had already been eliminated.

20 06 2010
Real God

Mark, you exist solely for my amusement, not the other way around.

As advertised, I am evil, jealous, loathsome and entirely insecure, so do yourself a favor and avoid my attention.

Now go to church and relearn how good I am, I’m listening……

20 06 2010
The Nug

Currently working on re-designing the site.

What do you think? This is just a beta version.

http://www.vuvuzela-time.co.uk/www.nugable.com

20 06 2010
buccaneer

Oh my god Nug that was flat out all time funny!Jim Rome has been killing me all week,on the same subject but man I needed that tonight.Thank you and goodnight.Yo vuvuzela.

21 06 2010
Smyrna Jefff

@Shamus Mc Rear load….. will you take me to Bali with you next time? Sounds like a blast, but do we surf or should I spare the extra baggage fees? I’m in either way….

21 06 2010
SmyrnaJeff

That last comment was not me. I gave up on this blog back when the BP spill happened and I have now relocated to Playa Hermosa in Costa Rica where I trade barrels all day with Charlie Kuhn and Todd Holland.

Please leave me alone. I just want to surf, fish, listen to Merle Haggard and drink Pabst Blue Ribbon all day.

21 06 2010
Jamon Bagel

Playa Hermose, figures. Best way to leave America without leaving America.

21 06 2010
Mike

Isn’t CR where funboarders vacation Mark? Is your cousin Jeff a funboarder? You republican’ts flip flop so often, it’s hard to keep up with your latest “belief”.

BTW Marky…. Kyle Garson is the king of Playa H.

22 06 2010
Yeah, Beeeyotches!!!!

100!!!

Every comment after this will smell like a semen filled turd that tumbles out of Jed Smith’s gaping asshole.

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