JOB Hires Firm to Restore Most Hated Title

1 04 2010

SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA — On the heals of the Mick Fanning controversy it was announced today Jamie O’Brien has obtained the services of a top shelf public relations firm to regain his status as the most hated man in surfing.

Industry insiders say the professional free surfer and former Pipeline Master has become a distant second to the current ASP World Champion and O’Brien wants to do whatever it takes to restore his universal title as the most hated surfer. A recent focus group held by Stab Magazine found 50 percent of its readers strongly oppose Mick Fanning, while 10 percent had no opinion on the matter. The remaining 40 percent said they did not know what “strongly opposed” means but liked pretty pictures and looking at naughty bits.

Schwartz, Putz and Weinstein is a full service public relations firm, founded recently by Charlie Smith and Derek Rielly. The firm specializes in image overhalls, one-of-a-kind athlete requests and the occasional bris.

“I burned the ASP Rule Book, dressed up like Mormon for my movie…even wore a Chinaman’s hat, but then Mick Fanning calls Chas Smith a ‘fucking Jew’ and it’s like all of a sudden I’m practically invisible,” said a clearly bewildered O’Brien while unhooking his Red Bull dialysis machine “Shootz…What’s up wit dat?”

Smith said he and Rielly will give O’Brien the much-needed guidance to resurrect his ability to cause hatred among surfing’s rank and file. And they will unveil a barrage of print advertisements with the slogan ‘Mickshuggener Fanning is my Homeboy.’

“First, we’ll have Jamie take a crash course we like to call ‘Wiggerology 101.’ It’s kind of like waterboarding except we use malt liquor. Then we force him to listen to Eminem for two days straight and feed him nothing but government cheese, barbeque and menthol cigarettes. It’s early in the process but Jamie appears to be a natural. He’s already showing a strong desire to impregnate multiple women out of wedlock. When he hears police sirens he runs like a gazelle. And he’s seen Scarface 36 times. When we’re done with him he’s going to make ’Lil Wayne look like John Wayne.”

But they didn’t stop there. He recently blinged out his ride by installing a $50,000 sound system and a set 30-inch rims with spinners.

He made it clear he will also change the way he approaches riding waves. Instead of pulling into massive barrels, he’ll dodge them. Airs are out and floaters are in. He’s also spent countless hours in the film room studying skimboarding techniques and Jeremy Flores.

“We’re so excited to be handling J.O.B.,” said Rielly. “He’s obviously taking this seriously and we’re confident Schwartz, Putz and Weinstein will put Jamie back where he belongs…on top. Or should I say the bottom? However he likes it. He’s the client.”

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226 responses

1 04 2010
Enoch Ward

“…unhooking his Red Bull dialysis machine.”

“The remaining 40 percent said they did not know what “strongly opposed” means but liked pretty pictures and looking at naughty bits.”

Just two small tokens of enjoyment in an epic post. It was like an ‘Inside the Goldmine’ article, only with actual laughs and real people.

Good work, Nug.

And to those who say the Mick Fanning racial slur is played out; I say that as long as there be fur on that diseased horse, and there be retards like me around, we shall continue to flog away.

1 04 2010
Enoch Ward

And since I was first, I hereby dub all subsequent comments to be tainted with the stanklo and Sarge’s hanglo.

1 04 2010
D'oh

Why do I smell funny?

1 04 2010
What??

Did Dion Agius give up?

1 04 2010
Meatwad

We are sorry…
For service reasons the system is temporarily not attainable.

1 04 2010
Meatwad

contest is probably on Dane scored two tens and the web cast is down

1 04 2010
Asp

Contest over equal 17ths for everyone.

1 04 2010
Antonio Cromartie

Just have JOB hang with me for a day… no need to hire them jews…. better to use the money on some new ho’s.

1 04 2010
Lennon, Stern, Einstein

Brilliant post Nug.!

1 04 2010
Peter Perfect

Nug, you don’t need Fake Chas guest posts, that fucking rocked. Like the good old days of satire as practiced by The Onion, you know, when it was funny.

Is the contest on? This is prime drinking time! The girlfriend wants to watch an Almodovar film, promising girl-on-girl action. Heat one is Dane Reynolds and Andy Irons, please tell me what the difference is?

Oh, hang on, I’ll get laid if I do the former. The latter will render me impotent.

1 04 2010
Enoch Ward

Looks like a possible 8:45am start – not sure if the guys or the titties will be paddling out. I guess Jeremy Flores should be prepared either way.

And like Meatwad, I spent the last hour hungrily staring at this message on the Rip Curl site:

“We are sorry…
For service reasons the system is temporarily not attainable.”

Strangely, that was probably more entertaining than the actual contest is going to be.

1 04 2010
Peter Perfect

Actually I get a 404 or Not Found message:
“We are sorry…for obvious reasons Bells having decent waves is almost permanently not attainable. Don’t blame us, blame the fact that under 10ft and offshore this place is as interesting as a Miley Cyrus interview.”

1 04 2010
The Nug

Wot contest?
@Peter you must do the first Bells update. “Peas melt” while I wait.

In congruence with the Easter candy theme it must be titled “Melts in Your Mouth, Not In Your Hands.”

1 04 2010
Peter Perfect

You do realize that this site will have macho men like Nick Carrol (the 976th best surfer at Newport, Sydney) in a flap if you continue these double entendres.

1 04 2010
Enoch Ward

Miley Cyrus is surfing in heat #7 of round 3 for the ladies.

Yee-haw.

1 04 2010
Peter Perfect

You have to be fucking joking. Look at that slop. Seriously. Airlift this fucking tragedy to WA, it’s been pumping. This is a national emergency.

1 04 2010
Rabbi Barthalomew

OY Vey! Nug has a lot of chutzpah. Mazel tov!

2 04 2010
m

best commenter name ever

1 04 2010
Enoch Ward

Nick Carroll’s eyebrows look like two jousting caterpillars beneath a pate that’s balder than a newborn wallaby’s undescended testicle.

1 04 2010
Enoch Ward

Coco Ho vs. Lee Ann Curren.

Don’t worry Nug, my lips are sealed.

1 04 2010
Meatwad

@EW really quite surprised you haven’t touched that one yet

1 04 2010
Enoch Ward

@Meatwad,

My new love is Rosie Hodge. And she’s over twenty (correct me if I am wrong) so she’s open game.

And by ‘open game,’ I mean I want to open a bottle of Chianti and use it to wash down a meal of her freshly laid feces.

And you know you would too.

1 04 2010
Demon

Who the fuck is JOB? Is he a pro skater? Fuck it. I’m clueless.

1 04 2010
elwood

WTF… If the conditions remain like this I predict and Adriano win

How many other spots in Oz, or throughout the planet have better waves than Bells right now.

1 04 2010
Enoch Ward

@Demon

Who is JOB?

J.O.B = Jamon’s Orifice Bagel

1 04 2010
Enoch Ward

J.O.B = Just Ogles Boys

1 04 2010
Enoch Ward

J.O.B. = Joyfully Opens Butthole

1 04 2010
Enoch Ward

J.O.B = Jerks Off Benevolently

1 04 2010
Demon

Ah shit! Thought I was in the Camaro Owners Forum. My bad.

1 04 2010
Perkus Tooth

Women’s event is on hold while they hold a grom contest.

It’s like snacking on a feces sandwich while waiting on Helen Keller to cook you dinner.

1 04 2010
Enoch Ward

You better be tuning up for that feces sandwich Perkus.

I’ve been watching clips of AI surfing around Bells, and while he still may be better than the lower half of the top however many there are, he doesn’t look qualified to break through the Round of 3.

Especially in these shit-burger conditions.

1 04 2010
Enoch Ward

The conditions at Bells right now are more grotesque than the inside of a slaughterhouse lined with rotting hog’s husks.

1 04 2010
smyrnajeff

jamon bagel and enoch ward are boring.

i miss the lightning quick jabs of the lantern.

vote lantern #1

1 04 2010
Enoch Ward

I know you miss Lantern, SmyrMarkJeff. But if you are jonezing for a Lantern fix, I have a three year old you can babysit for the weekend. He’ll babble nonsense in your ear all day. And on the plus side, he only makes two or three stinkies in his diaper as opposed to the innumerable amounts of soiled diapers dispensed by your hero.

Interested?

*call me*

1 04 2010
Meatwad

Ew your girls out in the water and in need of a nine I cant believe I’m fucking watching the chicks

1 04 2010
Enoch Ward

I am watching, but everything is blurry. Are they having an earthquake down in Victoria?

No?

Maybe it’s just my gyrating right arm and the lotion in my lap then.

1 04 2010
Meatwad

Hey Mailman, how fucking hard would it be to give me full screen with live scores I cant be the only one to want it

1 04 2010
Jamon Bagel

J.O.B. = Juiceless Ocean Burgers

1 04 2010
Jamon Bagel

Oh hey Nug, nicely done. Worth waiting for. Clearly Mike got back from EnZed and donated a baggie to your cause.

1 04 2010
Randomrandomness

Amazing post here. You’re on your game, blogwriterman.

2 04 2010
Lantern's father

my son…… my son

2 04 2010
dante

Maybe Enoch Ward felt threatened by this lantern fellow. Half the comments on this page seem to be by him so maybe he wanted to save the blog for his special brand of diaphers.

2 04 2010
Lantern's father

you should not feel threatened by my son, he is a good boy, goes to church every sunday and never talked back to his mother. golden child.

Vote 1 lantern’s father

2 04 2010
Lantern's Mother

It’s true; I breast-fed him until he was sixteen.

2 04 2010
CONCERNED PUBLIC

Just read about Rusty Steele’s death and the first thought was of you Nug.

As this site gains momentum you will in turn be able to fulfill hidden sexual fantasies. (

Just be careful, a night of sexual deviance can turn bad very quick.

Ask lantern’s mother and father.

2 04 2010
Randomrandomness

I call my bong barack obonga, commander in kief.

2 04 2010
m

Nice!

2 04 2010
@random

I call my penis a bong in hopes a girl will smoke it on accident.

2 04 2010
Rabbi Barthalomew

Oy Vey! Will they run the men’s contest today? I enjoy watching Shiksas and Yentas as much as the anyone but jezz…

2 04 2010
Randomrandomness

Tortellini makes me feel like I’m eating hundreds of little vaginas

2 04 2010
Stuu's sister

JOB and Paris hilton have alot in common.

2 04 2010
hmmm

wow oh wow oh wow
this firm must be JOB managers replacement hence the lack of sponsorship on the 6’2″ tokoro white board these days….

oh and if you need some pointers go over to howtotrainamonkey.com

2 04 2010
dante

What do you get when you cross a loud mouth australian yobbo, an obnoxious,overly opinionated american tourist and an aggressive hawaian ?
JOB

2 04 2010
Dave Mailman

Meatwad, me too… Doesn’t seem like it should be that hard, but apparently technology is not that advanced.

Randomrandomness and @random are pretty funny guys. As the President of ASP Europe, I can’t condone drug use, but pot-ty humor is pretty fucking cool!

How did Happy Gilmore find a barrel at Bell’s, let alone in these conditions? So amazing that Pottz and Reggae are still talking about it 10 minutes later. Kind of glad they didn’t have me out for the comp this year. Think I would have put a bullet through my head by now…

2 04 2010
Dave Mailman

Nug,
The last two posts have been even better than the random Cheech and Chong humor. However, I was kind of enjoying BREW’s “this post is so old” stuff. The man was on a roll. As opposed to rolling, but he was probably doing that too. Anyway…

Jamon and Mike,
How good is make-up sex? Don’t you love it? I know I do.

2 04 2010
Dave Mailman

Meatwad,
Don’t watch. Just listen, while furiously hitting the refresh button on Nugable waiting for the next naughty/sexually frustrated comment from BREW.

2 04 2010
Dave Mailman

So, according to Smiley Dyer, the girls surfed in even worse conditions yesterday?!? Wow! That must have been shocking. For everyone. Except BREW, who was just happy to see live women in his dungeon, even if they were only on his computer screen… The remote control blow-up doll fidgeting in the corner, does not count as a “live” woman.

2 04 2010
Dave Mailman

So where the hell is everyone? It’s Friday afternoon in the big CA. Don’t tell me you’re actually working? Swell’s up? Everybody’s out surfing? I’m jealous. I guess the girls at Bell’s are too…

2 04 2010
Enoch Ward

@Mailman,

How dare you!!!

Where I come from, Kleenex and lotion counts as ‘live’ women.

And by ‘where come from,’ I mean being married. I suggest you call up your local market a week after your honeymoon to be sure they are well stocked with your ‘pleasuring paraphernalia’.

2 04 2010
Enoch Ward

I wish I could stick around to watch the men’s heats, if they run, but I’m having the in-laws over for dinner.

Yep.

Time to get drunk and pass out before dinner so I don’t have to hear them complaining about my drinking problem. I may actually have sex with the bottle once it is empty… just to spite you Mailman.

Don’t think I won’t.

2 04 2010
Dave Mailman

So much action in the Bell’s line-up that Sean and Dylan are reduced to talking about the exposed rocks on the beach at low tide… Oh my goodness gracious me.

2 04 2010
Enoch Ward

… and don’t worry, it’s a wide mouth bottle.

Like really really wide.

And stuff.

Yeah.

K-BYE.

2 04 2010
Dave Mailman

Blas, my ol’ friend, I don’t doubt you will. Just about to finish off my glass of Laphroaig and I’m off to La La Land. Have a nice dinner with the in-laws. Too bad you can’t webcast the festivities. Would most definitely be more entertaining than the final day of women’s action in Torquay. Cheers, BREW!

2 04 2010
Dave Mailman

BREW,
One last question that I hope you’ll have answered before I wake up in the morning… Do you have sex with the whiskey bottle before or after you pass out? If the answer is after, how exactly do you manage such a feat?

2 04 2010
Demon

Ok, I’m very happy for Nug’s gayish explosion of popularity but…. Fucking tough to keep up with the mega numbers of comments on an iPhone! My thumb gets less work playing with my vagina…

Keep it up Nuggy… Need to start the Nuggy Awards soon…. Oh fuck it… I’ll do it bitches… L8

2 04 2010
Demon

@mailman

Wanna go in private chat and mess around for a little bit?

2 04 2010
Lantern's father

young folk these days. back in my day i would take the lantern’s mother in the sugar cane fields at west sydney to give her good old jolly rogering. no gay stuff involved. except for that one time………..

2 04 2010
Lantern's father

vote 1 Lantern’s father

2 04 2010
Quickripabong and hurl

Highly contestable waves out there worlds best surfers, worlds best surf,check send the boys out.

2 04 2010
ed

I´ve watched few minutes of the women´s final, it totally killed the effect of the 2 espressos I just had.

Men´s on

Hopefully Dane can bring back my desire to be alive…

2 04 2010
Meatwad

Give the people what they want Andy Dane and Yeomans in the water Borrrring quick cut to Potz and Steph in the booth. 6 minutes in to the heat no water shot yet!!

2 04 2010
ed

Dane´s first wave: 2.83
second 0.20

thank god Gilmore is hot

2 04 2010
ed

10 minutes now

2 04 2010
Meatwad

10 Fucking minutes no water shot

2 04 2010
Meatwad

Im calling it now fucktards go half the heat with no water shot you heard it hear first

2 04 2010
Elwood

Think I was calling a good showing for A.I. … like a 5th/9th. The wave suits him well… the (extra) heavy footed regulars. Isn’t Bells the only place Sunny won a contest outside of Hawaii? So I guess that means Kekoa should have a good showing here too…. a little extra weight to plow through the hideous chop and backwash.

If the contest is at Bells I say only one goofy makes it to the quarters….. I’ll go with Freddy P. The thick build works well.. see above.

2 04 2010
Elwood

“Swami’s is a similar wave to Bells”…. ya right. Swami’s shits on Bells, as do about 500 other waves in the world.

Cool… Damo is going left at Bells… WTF.

2 04 2010
skud

Bells is the gayest shit since gay came to gaytown, and everyone knows it.

2 04 2010
Meatwad

Hey skud you quoting my roommate?

2 04 2010
skud

Bells is gayer than JOB tickling Jeremy Flores’ butthole as they look into eachothers’ eyes and giggle like schoolgirls comparing their Hello Kitty backpacks.

2 04 2010
skud

Bells is gayer than that time Paul Fisher walked around with that giant plastic penis and tried to stick it in the mouth of every WCT surfer he could get to talk to him.

2 04 2010
Demon

It’s offical now… ASPtogo iPhone app should be renamed ASPnogo… Uber piece-o-shit… Fo sho bitches…

2 04 2010
ed

Nice Tiago just won his heat… now he will await for round 3 to draw Jordy and be totally screwed

2 04 2010
Elwood

I initially thought Tiago was screwed in that heat with Jordy. But after further review I don’t think he was. Even though he made some turns in critical sections he was surfing way too much off his front foot. No tail released and no inside rail projections. On a good day I can pull moves like Tiago did… but no chance of pulling even those bread and butter snap/carves Jordy did…. I think the judges got it right.

2 04 2010
ed

forget everything you know..try to empty your mind.. kind of a Gery Lopez/Leary experience..

and you´ll get the snap/carves going

2 04 2010
ed

Marco Polo was born in mexico… I thought mexicans migrated to Texas

holy fuck

this is the worst heat.. ever!

thanks now I know about nug.. it easees the pain

2 04 2010
Elwood

Kelly is a magician to pull an 8 in that shit.

0-5 for the screw(ed) footers thus far…. I’ll bet my kids college fund that no goofy wins a heat in these conditions.

2 04 2010
ed

Kelly fuck milked that wave… I thought I was watching Adriano..

sad

2 04 2010
ed

Neco just milked more than Kelly did! Will it be an 8.5??

2 04 2010
ed

where is everyone? no one watching the comp?

the waves are pumping!

next heat is Mick´s… wow.. how exciting..

Pancho is a nice guy though

2 04 2010
ed

wow.. and the other Mick Fanning is also on the heat.. that is, for real, actually interesting

maybe..

2 04 2010
ed

I´m a sad man, nothing better to do other than smoke, watch crap surf and talk to myself..

but I fuckin scored last weekend!

haha

2 04 2010
ed

I´ve pictured myself watchin J´bay and posting “I fuckin scored 4months ago”… I´m truly a sad man

fuck

2 04 2010
Jamon Bagel

I fucking scored HUGE last October. Pass the blunt please, ed.

2 04 2010
ed

uhm… Alana Blanchard.. uhm.. blunt.. uhm….

this was the best comment I´ve seen here so far

congrats Jamon

uhm… ham..

2 04 2010
Vicodin

…and i just watched 5 minutes worth of Bells.

I’m gonna need a lot more of me.

2 04 2010
Marketing Genius

Change the goddamned name of the flippin thing to the Rip Curl Victoria Classic and have it motherfucking ANYWHERE but Bells!!!

2 04 2010
10 heats later

andy
steds
flores
pires
kelly
de souza
taj
mick
parko
ace

3 04 2010
Bells Yawn

Don’t set me up like this…

3 04 2010
100!!

May you all wither away and die like parched sunflowers in Death Valley after a solar flare.

3 04 2010
Dante

That’s funny that andy is on the comeback trail after how written off he was getting on this here website.I don’t really think much of the guy. I find him a little on the arrogant side but i hope he rings the bell this year.

3 04 2010
Mike

Nug’s very funny post was obviously interrupted by a contest…. with Ed and Jamon killing the end of these comments.

Andy survived? How many heats? Must be unstoppable momentum avoiding the losers round. What happened to God?

Maybe I should just drive down to the dredge and see if he’s home…..

3 04 2010
Mike

All I needed to see was one heat on demand and Dante is right, Andy is on roll!!!!!!!! What a gift that 8 was, fucking gift. Doubt if this day even held a 7 and God found only some 2’s. Great contest Rip Curl.

At least they got the chick shit over with…. 3 girl heats, the admission of an afterthought.

As for my dear friend Mr Dave Mailman….. do you know why you love make up sex so much? Because once your puma wears your ring, that’s all the sex you will get. Connect the dots ASP savant….. it’s almost a self fulfilling prophecy as to why you will become a shitty husband.

There I go projecting again, my bad. Congratultions DM. Couldn’t have happened to a better guy. Did my invite get lost in your mail?

3 04 2010
The All-Seeing Eye

Bells is slightly reminiscent of Huntington… on a good day.

3 04 2010
Dante

Bells is not the best wave but it’s not as bad as people make it out to be.Andy,Taj and Adriano blew the fins out the back of the wave and Dane came very close to sticking a full rotation air reverse. Last year people got barreled and Occy has done his best surfing there.Or maybe Jbay.

Tootles

3 04 2010
stu

I was at bells last month and blew my fins out too. Then I blew my coco in Sally’s Fitzgibbon. Mmmm, Fitzgibbon.

3 04 2010
Enoch Ward

**tap tap**

Is this thing on?

Is the contest running today?

Am I still drunk?

Oh hair of ye olde dog, wherefore art ye, me lad??

3 04 2010
de lantaarn

Ik ben homoseksueel

3 04 2010
Enoch Ward

Looks like a 3:15pm PSD start.

My loins burn with anticipation.

And maybe the syphilis.

Oops, did I type that out loud?

3 04 2010
m

From Fantasy Surfer’s face book page

Fantasy Surfer QUICK ANNOUNCEMENT: Your teams have not been erased. They are simply not visible on your dashboards at the moment. They will be visible as soon as the tech staff sorts through the issue, but your teams HAVE BEEN SAVED.

3 04 2010
Dave Mailman

BREW,
How was that whiskey bottle rim job after dinner with the in-laws?

Mike,
Should someone be shot for sending Curren and Occy out in these conditions? That’s about as wrong as me having sex without sleeping on the couch first. As for your wedding invite, send me a mailing address and maybe I’ll drop one in the mail, man! Ha ha ha!
** sound of me slapping my knee (somewhat similar to BREW pulling his pud)**

3 04 2010
Dave Mailman

Did you all hear Pottz claim these conditions are good compared to the ‘QS comps? So basically, all ASP comps run in shit conditions!?! Ok Mike. You’re right. Let’s just turn the computers off, dump them in the bin and dial in some indoor track and field on ESPN or Eurosport. Where’s Usain Bolt when you need him. March Madness final 4 is on soon, and available via live streaming for those of us who can’t get it on TV since we live outside the good old US of A.

3 04 2010
Enoch Ward

@Mailman,

I have no idea what you are talking about.

Heh heh.

3 04 2010
Enoch Ward

Dane just told the interviewer that “it looks like a fun beach break out there today… it’s not Bells, but it looks fun.”

Ladies and gentlemen: Your Modern Collective Era.

Those G-Dang aerials were pretty sick though.

3 04 2010
Dave Mailman

That last wave of Gudang was smokin’! On overall impression though, Jordy would be winning the heat…

3 04 2010
Dave Mailman

The Bottle is going to have to recycle himself if he doesn’t want to get tossed in the bin when they take out the trash after Brazil.
A lot of the other “old school” guys as well… I’ll be lucky if I crack a point or two in Scotland this year!

3 04 2010
Enoch Ward

You mean to tell me the judges aren’t going to be rewarding the patented Mailman Windmilling Giraffe-Stance with more than a two??

I am flummoxed.

*zing*

3 04 2010
Dave Mailman

And I am screwed! I haven’t thrown tail or busted fins in years! Hope they’re still rewarding quick head dips and people afflicted with TOADS.

Seriously though, who would be winning these heats yesterday and today, if it was 6 foot, offshore and “perfect” for more traditional style surfing?!? Has the Modern Collective made it O.K. to runs all Dream Tour comps in completely on-shore crap?!? Mike, put down the bong or bouquets! We need some insight here!

3 04 2010
Enoch Ward

That rip off the lip by T-Knox just now will make Mike proud.

That was stellar.

3 04 2010
Dave Mailman

Apparently TK’s old school style is still new school enough for the judging panel. CaliGirl must be wetting herself on the rocks at the water’s edge!

3 04 2010
Dave Mailman

1am here. BREW, you’re on your own now! Hope some of the boys come join in the fun. See you all for heats on demand recap rundown tomorrow.

3 04 2010
Enoch Ward

G’ night Mailman.

Re: Your fiance

You know what to do.

*hint: it involves a finger and her butt*

Peace and love.

3 04 2010
Enoch Ward

Dear ASP,

A novel concept, I know… but why not keep the surfing live, and record the interviews so you can splice them in when no one is riding a wave? The interview with Travis Logie was actually funny and somewhat interesting, but it was not more important than missing Adam Melling catch a heat changing wave.

Watching Melling’s wave in slow-mo rather than live is a big fucking wah-wah-wah.

Wake up, white peop… errr… I mean Rip Curl. You are sucking the putrid fumes left from Quiksilver’s webcast.

Sincerely,

Enucklehead Ward

3 04 2010
The Nug

I missed the Gudauski?

3 04 2010
Enoch Ward

The Gudauski launching a fairly sick flared 180. He pulled a smaller reverse at the end as well. Mod Coll in full force as they dig through the trash.

Sufficed to say, darkness did not overwhelm that dude.

3 04 2010
Demon

Cote needs to be back on the mic… At least he’s got a bit more personality… Fuck, what about JO’B rockin the mic… Dude would have us pissin a laugh… Going back to my nap… or the bottle… L8

3 04 2010
Enoch Ward

J.O.B. = Jadson’s Ominous Boner

3 04 2010
Meatwad

J.O.B. = Jacking off bison

3 04 2010
Enoch Ward

J.O.B. = Jealous Of BiSexuals

3 04 2010
Enoch Ward

Dusty just saved the ASP from an immanent red-faced embarrassment of having Ben Dunn win a heat. It should technically be illegal for Ben Dunn to win a heat.

I am not saying he should be jailed for actually winning a heat. Just fined. Or, perhaps sentenced to a night with Chas Smith whereby they are both locked in a room with only their cunning, a tub of baby oil, and an I.V. filled with ecstasy as means for escape.

Bravo can film it for their next special, called ‘Chas Dunn Benned Over at Took It.’

3 04 2010
Enoch Ward

‘Chas Dunn Benned Over and Took It.’

Bukkakiballsuckbaloney!!

3 04 2010
Bondi sucks

Freddy P quote of the year!!!

3 04 2010
The Nug

Freddie P is my hero. Did that just happen? Best post-heat interview I have ever seen.

3 04 2010
Bondi sucks

“have his testicles so far up their mouths” ahaha I had to watch it twice. So funny.

3 04 2010
buccaneer

Allright Freddie P. He just called out the beach announsers for having Owen Wrights testicles down their throats,and called bullshit on the aussie hype machine! put that balding little fucker in the webcast booth!

3 04 2010
trauzersnake

whats this?? some pro junior bullshit? somebody make these kids go to school, learn to read.

3 04 2010
Elwood

@ Mike…can I claim Pat G. now… I saw this coming.

@ Nug…. can you verify to us if Freddy P. is a Nug reader.

@ EW… “Benned Over” quote…. best in a while… more please

3 04 2010
Mike

Enoch and Mailman…

I’m bed ridden with full body bruises from a boating “rescue” and an agonizing flight, don’t have the energy to watch something that will only piss me off. Your comments though are revealing, rip curl is taking up where Quik left off production quality wise.

Good on Freddy P to keep it real, although he waited until the show wasn’t his sponsors. If Taylor hit the lip properly, I will smile through the pain.

Thanks for the conceptual invite DM, wish you were serious. Enoch has plans for your bucks night out and I wouldn’t miss that shit, plus I have the video cam all charged.

Maybe I can run a gem by Enoch on the flight, captured audience and all.

Man Southern California is ugly. More vicodin please someone.

3 04 2010
billy fever

Unless Northy, Lex, and Mandingo rock up and go to town on Coco Ho in the Bells carpark there’s no way i’m burning up my download limit on anything to do with the Bells comp this year.

3 04 2010
Elwood

Dude…. Nug only has one rule for this site…. be nice if you followed it you tard.

3 04 2010
trauzersnake

wasn’t ratboy doing this shit at the lane 12 years ago? They really need to re assess having a contest here…. they even lengthened and toughened augusta for the masters due to the modern performance level…it dosen’t get anymore traditional than that….come on mayne!!! then there’s no contest for 2 1/2 months after this??? CUM On MAYYNE!!!

3 04 2010
Mike

What’s worse than a CT event? The airshow that distracts you from shitty contests, but I guess the festival is cruising along…. Rip Curls priority, you know.

Wow, they just announced dane missing a landing while the broadcast a goofy foot taking off…..

THIS IS BULLSHIT, FUCK VIRGIN BLUE, RIP CURL, ETC.

Looks like an empty day at Rincon to me.

3 04 2010
billy fever

Paige Houdin and Julian Rios would be a good round 2 match up.
What about Steph Gilmore and Pierre Woodman? I’d watch that heat.

3 04 2010
Mike

Ok, so Curren won the Clash of the “Icons” again…. does that mean Occy will complain and get a rerun? Where is the heats on demand?

told ya I’d just get pissed off, why can’t we keep making fun of JOB?

3 04 2010
m

I’m starting to think that some of the people that comment here are snobby wannabe intellectual bitches

3 04 2010
trauzersnake

@m-

dude, even pavlov’s dog learned after a while….good job.

Jodie cooper is kind of sexy…she reminds me of the radion dj on that old movie the warriors. doable.

3 04 2010
m

It’s trure TS I’m a bit on the slow side.

3 04 2010
Mike

It’s trure m, you’re not an intellectual…. bitch.

Enjoy the girls under 15’s heat, that should be simple enough for you,

3 04 2010
Enoch Ward

@m 19:43

Yeah, we’ve had way too many comments from Tim Baker around here lately.

3 04 2010
billy fever - porno demon

oops sorry lads… I thought this was spankwire.com

3 04 2010
m

I’m back, was watching the Chet Atkins special on the tele. Mike, nice to see that my typo was compelling enough to drag you away from watching teenage girls surf two foot wind slop, I’m flattered.

3 04 2010
Jamon Bagel

Welcome back, Mike. Forget about that Vicodin and think breakfast….protein and carbs will get you throught what ails you. My guess is the so-called rescue involved a dinghy, 500-lbs of “organic oregano,” Somali pirates and the Royal New Zealand Coast Guard. Am I getting warm?

3 04 2010
Jamon Bagel

@M…

Just so you know, as far as bagels go (and I would even include english muffins and sourdough loaves in this statement), I am like a warm, toasty blend of Giles Delueze and Ursula K. LeGuin, able to deeply analyze cultural currantalism and yet project sesamedically into the realm of the as-yet-unthought to mildly carbonize that which, for others, is only scarcely within the palette of possibility.

And I am not half as smart as the rest of these fools.

3 04 2010
YOKED SKIMBOARDER

Fuck off Bagel. Why don’t you just shut up and SKIM IT!!!!!

3 04 2010
m

@bagel

“girl you thought I was man but I’m just a muffin (mmmuuufffaiiiin)”

-Frank Zappa

3 04 2010
Jamon Bagel

@m…

Well done, heh heh.

3 04 2010
Elwood

Top 5 hottest female pro’s

5. TBD (need some 18th B-Day’s to pass)
4. Wendy
3. Lisa
2. Alana
1. Malia

3 04 2010
Enoch Ward

@Elwood,

I’ll do you one better, and go with the top 5 hottest female surfers that are currently living:

5. Coco Ho (Born 4/28/91 – you do the math)

4. Roseanne Hodge

3. Bruna Schmitz

2. Anastasia Ashley (Yet to be confirmed if she’s living… maybe just M.I.A.)

1. Alana Blanchard

If the good Laird could be so good as to summon enough of his divine powers together to prep these females with various lotions and spices from the West Indies; throw them into a locked room that was painted with lard; then throw a purse filled with one-hundred thousand dollars in cash, and unlimited coupons to South Coast Plaza, while capturing every subsequent moment of the saphic mayhem on CCTV surveillance… then I will start writing the letter to my chiropractor, apologizing in advance for severing every strand of muscle in my right shoulder, elbow and wrist.

Amen.

4 04 2010
billy fever - porno demon

haha – perfect comment.

4 04 2010
Dave Mailman

Mike,
Try me. I might even let you bring along the BREW and Bagel just for the fun of it. Did I mention that on June 30th it’s my 40th birthday, 4 days after the wedding on June 26th? Buck’s golf day is June 24th. I’d invite the MMA too, but he’s got some cars to sell…

4 04 2010
Gibbons Fitzsally

I’ll take Jody Cooper over Mailmans sausage party!

4 04 2010
Mike

Jodie is no fan of sausage.

Hey Bagel, we got the invite! June 26th!!! Golf, a wedding and then a birthday party… pretty hectic social schedule. Enoch will let us use his studio’s private jet and we can score some french girls in Paris. What a surprise for Davo’s Puma!

As for top 5 hottest chicks in surfing….
1. Malia Jones
2. Malia Hayes
3. Malia Stedman
4. Malia Jones
5. Malia in a thong

That chick is a fucking ice cream cone, lick lick. How cartoon boy (conan) ever pulled that is beyond me.

@m….Pretty hard to believe they broadcast the little girl heats. The CT should be indy of that garbage, instead they arrange for the sideshows. If I had to sit through that crap, my keyboard would have left more than typos….

4 04 2010
Enoch Ward

If we are not talking about professional surfers, then yes… Malia wins.

Hands down.

On my lap tent.

4 04 2010
Enoch Ward

Is this real?

4 04 2010
Enoch Ward

Does anyone have a link to Freddy P’s interview? Sounds like I missed the most exciting thing to ever happen at Bells.

Nug, you need to get an interview with this man.

If Freddy P put more stuff like that on his website, I’d read it more than once a month.

4 04 2010
sheapez

Freddy P would speak his mind more often if he wasn’t getting fined every time he does…

4 04 2010
Enoch Ward

Conviction vs. $$

The true test of one’s mettle. A test that few have conjured the testicular fortitude to pass.

Those that don’t, burn out and fade away. Those that do, are burnt at the stake and remembered for eternity.

Generally speaking, of course.

4 04 2010
Enoch Ward

Freddy took the podium with conviction.

Now, let us see if he martyrs himself, or swallows the swollen scrotum of the ASP like every other lamb in the fold.

4 04 2010
Bone an Raized

@sheapez

Is this is why we hear so little criticism from the pros?
Can you quote the rule for those of us that never had”THE BOOK”?
The fines gotta be stiff to keep the boys quiet.
Telling a surfer to hold his tongue is like telling EW to stop coming on his keyboard.

4 04 2010
Mike

Oh Enoch @ 17:55…. what an appropriate segue to todays unga bunga holiday celebration of bunnies, eggs, candy and a pope who enabled pedophilia.

Too bad the flock can only follow their master down the paths he advised them against. Oh, there I go getting “intellectual” again.

So what’s up EW, gonna steal the boss’ jet for Mailman’s wedding?! Maybe Malia would enjoy being our stewardess? Mile high club anyone?

Guest list
1. Mike
2. Enoch
3. Jamon
4. Elwood
5. Trauzersnake
6. Mark ( although that counts for about 10 personality disorders)
7. Peter Perfect and his Shaft ( For Daves seating chart, does that require two seats?)
8. Nug
9. m
10. Randomrandomness

There you go Mailman, but you better split us into several tables to entertain your guests.

4 04 2010
Dante

What about Dante? Can Dante join the party mike?

4 04 2010
Dave Maleman

“Hi everybody, this is Dave Maleman down here at the Rip Curl Bell’s Beach Pro! Today looks like yesterday, but Dammo Hardman called a lay day with hopes that the wind will abate and possibly any type of swell tomorrow. This contest has been a huge success so far and the cleaning crew is combing the beach for plastic eggs and the random condom after last nights EAster Rock Concert featuring all the best Christian bands and the Rip Curl Fashion Show, presented by Ford. Check in tomorrow for an exclusive interview with Stephanie Gilmore, the under 12 girls champion and a weekend wrap up from none other than Jodie Cooper! Highlights will include the cluster fuck air show contestant interviews and the “behind the scaffolding” reporting with Evan Slater! Rumor has it that even Tom Curren may come by to mumble something as the crowd genuflects and Toohey’s serves us the free suds for those with the charmed wrist band. That’s it for now, see you all tomorrow.”

4 04 2010
JOB's belly

“Free suds?…. damn, how do I get my tour card?”

4 04 2010
Mike

My bad Dante… Dave we need a few more invites….

Dante, Bone and Razed, Yoked Skimboarder, and the guest of honor(?)……

Sheapez. He’ll keep it clean and sponsor appropriate, as always the consummate professional.

Better reserve the big Jet Enoch….

4 04 2010
Jamon Bagel

Oh, I am in. Here is what I’m bringing so far:

(1) Lawnmower Engine
(9) Flasks assorted tequilas
(1) Copy “Fear of Flying” by Erica Jong
(4) Cans Crisco
(1) Fully Inflatable “Martha Stewart in Heat” Doll
(1) Crock Olives
(1) Dish of Salt
(14) Rolls Saran Wrap
(1) DVD of the “The Mission” soundtrack by Ennio Morricone
(7) Bags of Pop Rocks

Oh, and also Jordy Smith…

And a lobster.

4 04 2010
Bone an Raized

Awe, gee Mike I’ve never been excepted into the fraternal order.
I haven’t felt so wanted since I spent my wednesdays in the rectory.
Thanks

4 04 2010
Mike

Sounds like Bagel has the 19th hole entertainment all figured out Dave!

You may be in luck BanR… if you can document your Wednesdays with Father touchyfeely, you may be eligible for a class action law suit and multiple millions courtesy of the morons who pass the dish pew to pew each sunday while they are lied to!

4 04 2010
Enoch Ward

I put in a request for a Blimp.

But trust me, it’s the largest Zeppelin in the studio’s fleet. As I have stated before, I write for C and D list production companies. Do not judge me.

Our chosen Blimp hath been eloquently dubbed “Noah’s Fark.”

I will be bringing: A pillow made of Kate Beckinsale and kitten fur, 17 killos of un-crushed gravel, Chas Smith (who fits conveniently into the tampon dispenser in my wife’s borrowed carry-on), four packages of plain white t-shirts, my autographed copy of Lovecraft’s ‘Call of Cthulhu’, twelve cases of Jameson, and various straws and toothpicks. Some dental floss and a loaded magnum will be required, should the weight limit not be exceeded upon boarding time.

My date shall be Alana Blanchard.

I just ask that you ignore her duct-tape costume and the slight fragrance of chloroform.

The rest of the details will be worked out shortly, by our pilot for the trip… Mr. Perkus Tooth.

4 04 2010
Jamon Bagel

Sheapez, ignore Mike. If you are planning on keeping it clean and professional, I am going to have to ban you.

But I have faith that Mike is dead wrong on this one….

4 04 2010
4 04 2010
Bone an Raized

Those baskets of money!!!
The trick was to “spill” them as they went by, help “clean up”.
I can’t exactly recall a specific incedant of touchyfeely.
Plenty strange vibes.
Sure could use the money.
Be nice to be sponsored by the Vatican.

4 04 2010
4 04 2010
Bondi sucks

Sheapez might have to requalify for that one

4 04 2010
Mike

I knew Enoch would come through, but isn’t a blimp kinda slow? Can we all get our boards on?

As for chloroform and Ms Blanchard…. she could “service” us better as a member of the crew during the flight, relegated to Mr Wards devices upon landing.

And why bring Chas along anyway? Not going to ruin the free ride over his inclusion, but his synopsis will be insufferable.

“With great remorse I extinguished my unfinished camel as I entered the massive inflatable only to find a nearly naked Malia Jones offering a second level, American champagne as I whisked my 200. haircut to unveil the prize, Enoch Ward (James Cameron) lying upon a bean bag chair of pop rocks in a robe he “inherited” from Ron Jeremy. The discovery of his genius is dampened by the load of semen escaping my throbbing penis as I veiwed Jamon bending over preparing breakfast. For a moment, I regretted canceling my reservation on the continental Concord, but the sight of bagel’s hole engaged even this pig bottom”.

Seriously Blasph, we didn’t even secure an invite for that fuck.

4 04 2010
Perkus Tooth

I’d rather fellate Alex Knost’s neutered Pomeranian than have to listen to all you sad fucks in one place at the same time.

In other words, I’d be delighted. My date, however, will be Lisa Anderson, who was somehow left off your little kindergarden lists above. She will be tied to a nylon rope and dragged behind aforementioned blimp, so as I can thaw her near-frozen body at our destination with my warm, willing tongue.

Dave Mailman, congratulations on your impending wedding. I wish you and yours the best.

When’s Tahiti?

4 04 2010
Perkus Tooth

For Enoch Ward (and company’s) consideration: http://hem.passagen.se/pointofview5/v/Vellum04-MaliaJones-01.jpg

However, any woman deigning to penetration by Luke Stedman must be considered damaged goods.

4 04 2010
Smyrna Jeff's Diaphram

@ Bondi sucks….

If you saw where Nug surfs, you would name yourself Bondi Rules.

4 04 2010
Mike

Wow, Perkus Tooth earns his invite.

Wow.

4 04 2010
Voice of reality

Questioning the purity of Ms Jones by imploring the chastity of Ms Anderson is like inviting Chas to a hetrosexual party aboard James fucking Camerons blimp headed for Davey the Mailmans funeral….. errrrrr neutering.

As for Ms Lisa, she didn’t get along in HB without embracing the crew of Rocking fig literally…. at 15. Hardly pure powder.

Ask Nug.

4 04 2010
Dave Maleman

I know this momentum is unstoppable, but my Puma has a firm guest list at 80 and I’m only allocated 12 guests or I’ll be sleeping on the couch for weeks! The golf outing only has 8 spots reserved and we won’t be serving Jameson’s at the reception. Rip Curl is offering to underwrite the hor’ duerves and Quiksilver is sponsoring my honeymoon under the same condition…

NO CHAS SMITH.

4 04 2010
Perkus Tooth

I made no such claims regarding either woman’s relative promiscuity. I merely suggested a woman willing to involve herself with a man whose act screams “My role-models include Ellen Degeneres and Mary Cheney” casts doubts as to her mental fortitude, and sexual tastes in general.

Wait: fragile psyche and deviant sex? Malia Jones…my dream woman.

4 04 2010
Enoch Ward

I have a boner.

With large peas melting in front of it.

4 04 2010
Mike

An Ice cream cone Enoch, lick lick.

And her choice of STeds is less telling than obscure cartoon boy, but I’m sure she has taken plenty of showers since.

Imagine what DM will wake up to when he logs on. True friends… weep, sob.

4 04 2010
tim Bakers Penis

Nug is kinda like the drunk, absentee mother who “retires” to her room and allows the children to sort it out later while she rests…..

Not to imply that Steve is a Sheve. But his absence is telling…..

4 04 2010
Louis Samuels

But what you dumb fucks don’t realize is Nug doesn’t read the comments.

4 04 2010
Jamon Bagel

Dave dave dave dave dave,

Being banished from the bedroom, and, worse, accepting this fate, is supposed to happen at least a few years into the marriage, as the weight of permanance begins to settle, slowly crushing your soul until your will begins to seep, pool, and finally evaporate.

But you Mr. Mailman, haven’t even said Hago Eso yet and you’re already a smilin’ couch monkey!

I can only say that I am adding the following to my travelling festivities kit.

A four-pack of Ensure
2 large shipping crates, with air holes, contents undisclosed
16 liters of high-grade glitter
An oar

We will make a male man of you yet, Dave.

4 04 2010
DAve Mailman's publicist

Listen to the Jam and Bagel sandwich, he speaks only truth.

Now that’s breakfast.

4 04 2010
JOB's ego

This is why I hire a publicity firm, Dave Mailman has stolen my thread.

4 04 2010
Comment Soon To Be Deleted At Stab

“How about you take down the comment approval function and just moderate the site more thoroughly, deleting seriously libelous comments as soon as they appear?
Either that, or have someone checking and posting the comments at a much quicker pace.
Do this, or Stab.com is dead in the water.”

*Earth to Charlie Browne’s Dense Skull*

Charlie Browne said: “seriously libelous comments…”

What a hoot that comment is. Sums up Stab perfectly.

You sir, are obviously not a lawyer and know nothing of the meaning, nor intent of the word ‘libelous.’ In fact, you probably heard it from some buck-toothed chick you wanked in the arse before finding out she had taped her enormous dong discretely to her inner thigh. At which point you smiled and said, “Jackpot!!”

Pity, that.

Pray tell, has there been a successful lawsuit levied against any internet-based entity because of a COMMENT left on a blog? Read again: A COMMENT left by a willing reader on a blog of his / her choice. I am not even asking you for cases levied by a prosecution against an actual blogger… for which there are few… but cases built on the COMMENTS on a blog??

You must be kidding… or astoundingly retarded.

This is a fucking surfing blog-zine read by a paltry few when compared to the shit-rag paparazzi sites like TMZ, E!, MTV, etc… And have you read the ‘libelous’ comments that are posted there daily? Think of all the Neo-Nazi and Militia blogs that Mick Fanning regularly reads that have existed for years making dubious claims about minorities… why aren’t they under constant scrutiny??

You, like Jed, take STAB, and surfing in general, a bit more seriously than your own stunted brains can handle.

Smelling salts, mate.

Get some!

4 04 2010
200!

Nug better post something fresh for the final Bells run, or else I will kill every shrubbery in front of his double-wide with my own piss before the next full moon.

4 04 2010
Enoch Ward

First, I must grant our most esteemed colleague, Mr. Perkus Tooth, a five year grace period for any outlandish comments regarding Andy Irons on account of his lapular satisfactorialorly splendorous post at 20:36. Good Laird, man… that was stellar!

My arm is still sore. And so is my third arm.

Secondly, Charlie Browne was felled by the same tree that has crushed many a dimly witted… namely those naïve regarding law, as it applies to the internet. Google the words “libelous,” “lawsuits,” “internet comments” and “successful”… and you will most likely find naked pictures of giraffes humping male Eskimos. Or so I’ve heard.

Thirdly, I really, really regret missing Freddy P’s interview.

Lastly, Mike is back home and on point. If we could get PeterPerfect to quit his day job blowing truckers at the glory hole nearest his favorite University, then we could make these final days at Bells slightly more interesting than watching Jed Smith press the delete button after another carefully concockted piece.

5 04 2010
Mike

Seriously, no Dave Mailman this morning? He’s practically carrying this thread and he decides to pull a Lewis?

5 04 2010
Dave Mailman

Hey Mike!
I’m still here. My head is spinning from the turn that this thread has taken though. My mom is in town, and I’ve been doing triple duty keeping her entertained, doing wedding planning and packing for the move to our new house. I’ll be back later with an updated guest list, but due to the refused invites of a few friends, I seriously can insert you, the Bagel, BREW and even Nug into the festivities to run a live feed from the my week of impending doom and the accompanying debauchery. More from me later. I’ve got to work on the hotel list so all of my guests can book places to stay. The best travel agent is Tobis Travel Solutions. Google it. He has all the details on nearest airports, etc. if the deal with Blas’ Blimp falls through…

5 04 2010
Dave Mailman

PS: Chas isn’t officially invited, but if he shows up and crashes the party, I won’t turn him away!

PPS: Nug, Matty is coming, so you’ll have some company outside of the commentary crew from your website!

5 04 2010
Mike

Nothing like multi tasking is there Dave.

Told ya you’d need me.

5 04 2010
Concerned public

@ SURFER MAG AND SHEA LOPEZ(you work there now so you get the flak from what their doing, sorry)

Just got the new SURFER and was very stunned to see A JAPANESE SURFER SMOKING A MALBORO LIGHT got a full page. (Ok IF HE WAS SURFING AND THE CIGGARETTE WAS A NEW WATERPROOF JAPANESE INVENTION).

The picture is accompanied by an article by Joe Curren, written in indiscernible handwriting. (not that it was worth reading)

I smoke when I drink so I understand the cigarette’s purpose in the world.

What alarms me is that JOEL PATTERSON, knowing his publication is aimed at children, would present a snow covered Surfer smoking (ciggarettes not WEED because weed is cool and I dont have joint FILTERS all over the beach) as cool to the groms.

I know all the great writers become docotors and don’t usually end up a dentist like poor MR. JOEL PATTERSON. (However to most writers, editor of surfer isn’t even considered the journalism field.)

Common Sense is all we are asking.

**ps my subscription was a gift/curse, I did not willingly sign up for it.

5 04 2010
Concerned public

Recently while on ESM(eastern surf mag/free joke that is mostly used by animals to piss on) and noticed they run many articles plugging energy drinks.

Feeling a little LANTERNY I wrote a comment on a ROCKSTAR AD featuring new team rider Cory Lopez. Just passing on the wonderful knowledge of the death of a teen from RED BULL.

This was the one of the responses from Editor NICK MCGREGOR

“Most “the kids” dont’ even “read” the “articles” – they just look at the rad pics of their favorite pros and the occassional “Hot Chick” thrown in for good measure. It’s the older kids (i.e., “Adults”) that actually take the time to read any of the stories.”

It must suck when you go home for the night knowing your job and all you did that day was pointless.

5 04 2010
Jamon Bagel

For what its worth, I used to read EVERY WORD in Surfer and Surfing, starting at about age 8. I am guessing that most everyone on here did the same with their favorite mags when they were groms.

And just look at how we turned out!

5 04 2010
Concerned public

Is bagel on the list of Brain foods?

Exactly my point.

Not sure if surfer has the same power now with internet but it should not be glamourizing ciggarette smoking as something a “SURFER” does.

I for one love when people flick their butts on the beach. It makes the sand beautiful. (Think Venice Beach)

5 04 2010
Jamon Bagel

Now, my dad’s cache of 1960s Playboys (boxes and boxes…hands down the greatest discovery of my young life)…

…those I didn’t really read the words.

And just look at how I turned out!

5 04 2010
Mike

I was mesmerized by Surfing World…. lime green backlit Goldy point surf. Fucked my freshman year of college up by taking a spring break to Oz… didn’t return for 6 months. Came home to a confiscated apartment, car and tuition paid by my mom… basically homeless, so I moved to Echo Beach and started over in the ghetto on my own dime.

I read Surfer cover to cover as well, but the kids today are so distracted by multiple technologies. The content has become less compelling as well as the surf corpo’s have taken control and every editorial is now a thinly veiled advertising section. That’s really the problem.

I’ve written this before to deaf eyes….. 99% of surfing exists outside the paradigm of “pro” anything and those are the stories people want to read. This reality resonates because we can all find a commonality within certain experiences. At some point, the writing should really eclipse even the best photos in our consciousness.

Might be a good thread for Nug to post.

5 04 2010
Jamon Bagel

….yeah, remember when Patterson came here, and asked for our suggestions, all suckupy, and then we made few humble suggestions, and then he vanished, never to be heard from again?

‘member that???

5 04 2010
Enoch Ward

Hey Mailman,

I got my invite in the mail today. You are too kind. Not sure if you meant to include those Polaroid’s of your fiancé in various stages of undress… perhaps they fell into the envelope by accident. At any rate, I did appreciate them. Twice actually. With only an hour of recovery time in between ‘appreciation’ sessions. She’s quite the lady. I plan to appreciate them later this afternoon as well.

You are a lucky bastard.

5 04 2010
Enoch Ward

Our blimp should fit in your backyard, btw. Since it’s powered by Dave Stansfield’s hot air, we’ll just tell him to stop breathing once we land, and the thing will deflate to the convenient size of a Smart Car.

And don’t worry, we’ll kill Dave shortly thereafter and bury him below your garage foundation with a couple sacks of Lyme… just to be safe.

5 04 2010
Enoch Ward

I am also going to be bringing a small collection of my favorite dinosaur action figures. I think they would make excellent center pieces for the tables at the wedding.

But I’ll let Mike make that final judgement on that.

5 04 2010
Ankylosaurus

Better not bring any fucking stegosaurusues. I am serious.

5 04 2010
Concerned public

Thanks alot for caring SHEEP.

I know I am afraid to start my car after posting something bad about SURFER/SURFING.

Keep grazing on the imaginary feces you want to eat and an imaginary wedding while our children and beaches are polluted. (with the encouragement of SURFER)

5 04 2010
YOKED SKIMBOARDER

SOME PEOPLE ARE REALLY ANGRY ALL THE TIME ABOUT ALL KINDS OF THINGS THEY CANT CONTROL. WHAT YOU NEED, MAN, IS A FRESH SWEET CUSTOM APEX E-GLASS IN DUSKY RED. TAKE IT DOWN TO THE LOCAL WEDGEY SHOREY AND…

…THEN…

…FUCKING SKIM THE FUCK OUT OF IT AND PUSH SO HARD YOUR FEMUR SNAPS AND YOU THROW GODDAMNED FUCKING SPRAY TO INLAND CHINA!!!!!!!!!!!

FUCK YEAH!!!! SO FUCKING YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKKKKKKKKKKEEEEEEEEDDDDDD!

5 04 2010
trauzersnake

Isn’t Balls, ur, i mean Bells supposed to start pretty soon? When’s the next contest? Brazil? July? When’s J-bay now? and Teahupoo is in august? is that right? What the fuck??

5 04 2010
trauzersnake

This ASP season has me on the EDGE OF MY SEAT!!!! WOW!!! I’ll never watch football, basketball, golf, or NASCAR again!! Kill my television!! Hey Enoch, can you suggest some good books my brutha?

5 04 2010
trauzersnake

K, went from ‘loading english default” for the last 10 minutes, said fuck it and just tried to go to results, now its loading portugese default……back to duke v. butler. out.

5 04 2010
trauzersnake

Sorry to butt in again guys, but this ASP season is a TOTAL FAILURE. this contest is a wash, the last one just sucked, and now there’s a TWO AND A HALF MONTH HIATUS???? I gotta say I don’t give a shit who becomes world champ now. (not that i really cared before) got tons of other shit going on. I mean it’s like “lets have the first 1/3 of march madness in march-then have the rest resume in august……by then, WHO GIVES A FUCK ANYMORE??? ARRRGHHH!!!!

5 04 2010
YOKED SKIMBOARDER

Mr. Snake,

Please refer to my prior comment at 14:35.

Regards,

YS

5 04 2010
trauzersnake

@ YOKED-

That just may be the answer, dude! Plus I would probably watch that shit! A simple tour- six or seven events-you could probably have most of them in california, run it in a day or two, have beach presence and a webcast! and it would probably be super exciting. no pro juniors, no chicks, no clash of the titans……just 20 or so YOKED SKIMBOARDERS! Brilliant!!

5 04 2010
Enoch Ward

*wink, wink, nudge, nudge*

There is a semi-fresh post above kiddos. Otherwise, feel free to carry on.

6 03 2015
tiagochangedthis.com

Genuinely when someone doesn’t know after that its up to other
users that they will assist, so here it happens.

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