Taj Burrow is on a roll. Photo: ASP/Scholtz
Maybe it’s the White Russian I’m drinking or the little round peanuts I’m eating. They’re looking at me like I have all the answers, but I can’t focus. And I have no answers. The peanuts are wrong. Those bastards are seldom right. I can’t focus on the choppy walls at Snapper Rock on my computer screen. I’m seeing double. Or am I? I can’t determine if it’s the vodka or the chop on the ocean or if Mother Nature got fed up with Dane testing her authority. She is an unruly bitch, that Mother Nature, and not even Ike Turner is big enough or bad enough to smack her down when she acts up.
The Big Lebowski plays in the background.
I wanted it all. I really did. I wanted Bobby Martinez to beat Taj Burrow…blindfolded with a stick. After his semifinal loss, Ronnie Blakey asked the Californian if he’s happy with the equal third and his chances at a world title. Bobby says, “whatever.” Exactly. Whatever. Then the roving reporter asked him if he had a sentimental favorite. Bobby said “what” and looked at him like he wanted to shank him in the abdomen or sock him in his perfect jaw. I love Bobby.
Semifinal two begins. The Big Lebowski is still playing. The Dude is meditating to the sound of balls hitting bowling pins on his Walkman. I think of Dane Reynolds. I wonder if he meditates. I wonder if I should start meditating. I can totally picture Dane walking into a grocery store at 10 a.m. wearing a robe and writing a .59 cent check for a quart of half and half. The Dane abides.
I wanted Dane Reynolds to go crazy and win. I wanted him get dramatic, to cut off his ear or go on a Manson-esque killing spree across Queensland goddamnit. I wanted blood in the water. Then that fucking nihilist Jordy Smith pissed on his rug. I am happy for Jordy even though he lives in Newport Beach. If you ever want to lose your soul move to Newport Beach. We are all just one BMW, one Analog hat and one Bluetooth from being an asshole. I think Confucius wrote that. Or Nietzsche.
Like so many contests the best surf and best surfing was not on the final day. Taj won. He deserved it. This is his third in a row. I’ll bet it smells like the ’80s in Coolangatta—when cocaine was on every coffee table and Michael Jackson was in every heart. I am happy for Taj Burrow.
The Big Lebowski continues…
The Stranger: “The Dane abides. I don’t know about you but I take comfort in that. It’s good knowin’ he’s out there. The Dane. Takin’ ‘er easy for all us sinners. Shoosh. I sure hope he makes the finals.”
Oh well. Maybe next time.
Nugable 
Damn @nug you got me laughing out loud again. Bobby was my sentimental favorite. During his post heat interview with Blakey I wanted to ask Bobby a slew of questions, none of which included sentimental favorite. I guess if you were looking for a black eye, then those were great questions. Blakey is lucky Bobby just signed with O’neill and is a much happier(for him) man….at the moment that is.
Nobody fucks with the Jesus.
It could have been all the other three semi-finalists…why TAJ alcoholic/fat?
Now, the press will start saying that he is ready for the world title?
C’mon!
Would Taj winning it all be such a bad thing? I don’t mind Taj. He’s like my 12th favorite surfer.
LOL at this…
“If you ever want to lose your soul move to Newport Beach. We are all just one BMW, one Analog hat and one Bluetooth from being an asshole. I think Confucius wrote that. Or Nietzsche.”
Dane Reynolds: I told those fucks down at the league office a thousand times that I don’t roll on Shabbos!
Jordy: What’s Shabbos?
Dane Reynolds: Finals Day, Jordy, is Shabbos… The Dane’s day of rest. That means that I don’t paddle into slop, I don’t put on the singlet, I don’t fucking ride waves, I don’t pick up the phone, I don’t turn on the oven, and I sure as shit don’t fucking surf! Shomer shabbos!
Mick Fanning to Dane:
What’s this day of rest shit? What’s this bullshit? I don’t fuckin’ care! It don’t matter to Mick. But you’re not foolin’ me, man. You might fool the fucks in the league office, but you don’t fool Mick. This bush league psyche-out stuff. Laughable, man – ha ha! I would have fucked you in the ass at Snapper. I fuck you in the ass at Bells instead. Wooo! You got a date at Bells, baby!
Said it before and I’ll say it again…
Taj making a legitimate run at a world title only means one thing….
K10 bitches.
does that make mick a petterass?
Gotta agree with Elwood here, not one of the top contenders is worried about Taj making off with the title.
That said, watching Taj Burrow win an event is like getting your dick sucked by the Pope. I mean, it’s fun and all, but well…
I guess it isn’t the same really.
7’th paragraph, 6’th and 7’th sentences- fucken brilliant! and damn, jim beat on that one as i was counting paragraphs and sentences and typing this. one day i’lllearn to cut and paste .um, nahhhh !!!!
ps- chas smith is … just … awful. yeesh ….
Nug clearly is on his game and extremely stoned on Med grade. Two questions: 1) Indica or sativia? 2) How great is it to sit at home smoke Nate Newton, watch TV, hang with your unemployed black lab, and masturbate to youporn all day?
@Enoch
You want a toe? I can get you a toe. Fucking amatuers.
Michael Scott: Ho! Ho! Hooo! Contraption! She’s contrapting…! Ok, you know what? I think that I should drive you guys to the hospital and here is why. I am a licensed, Class C driver in the state of Pennsylvania . I, gassed up the car–actually I put diesel in this time, trying to save some money–
Jim Halpert: You shouldn’t have done that.
Michael Scott: Happy to do it!
How come Slater was the only guy to pull a carving 360 the whole contest?Many tried but he was the only one to pull it.Methinks he is the best ever.
Now, now bucaneer, let’s not get too crazy with the whole “Slater is the best ever” talk. There is still time for Shane Herring to catch up.
this is quite possibly the best contest recap i have ever read.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
let me guess, global warming??
Shit, Nug. You’re getting pretty damn good at this shit!
Thanks Dave. Maybe I’ll write something today on the duality of the women’s final and Burn After Reading.
Who was the pro that made the comment about the only way woman’s pro surfing would be worthwhile is if they surf naked…. I think it was either Kong or Paramenter — but don’t know for sure.. Love it if someone dug up that quote .
@ PTooth
Honestly! The thought of pappas and fellatio are disturbing. Taj seemed very affable in his post interview… Even gave shout out to his grandmother!
Never ever heard “WorldsBiggest” nor “Trouzer…” mention their grandma!
With that said “Hey Mama! Love You!!!”
I love Mark’s mom.
& PeterPerfect. I’m coming to Spain baby. You better keep a watchful eye on that backside of yours. I have a hell of a thruster in my quiver.
I also love dinosaurs.
@Enoch
saw a great commercial for Jameson as I was watching some NBA-john jameson dives overboard after one of like 50 barrels of smooth Jameson goes overboard in the great storm of 1782. Great stuff.
@wounded albatross-
Leave my grandma outta this….rest her soul. Besides, it’s me great, great, great grandfather Helmut Gearth McVane that I can trace my endowment back to. Thanks, bud. And my favorite dinosaur is the Bendidactyl veinasuaurs.
Fuck alkeehall!!!
This is gay……..I QUIT!!!
@Trauzer
I remember that well…
… not the commercial though…
The weather was uncouth. The waves did rage. And Mark’s mother was unfavorably beached. She prayed to her dear Laird that Mr. Jameson’s miraculously eminent return would afford her a favorable discharge so she could float back out to sea.
Alas, Mr. Jameson showed up, mostly drunken, as am I… and freed her from the bounds of the sand.
True story.
We are having a party tomorrow night in Newport Beach to celebrate Jordy’s first final appearance (sorta).
We invite all of you cum by and check it out. There will be a lots of over the hill ex-porn stars and OC Cougars here.
We really hope that Trauzersnake, that Blasphemy dude, and El-Wood show up.
@Jenna,
I am happily married. Whatever would give you the notion that I would be unfaithful to my betrothed?
(just text me, on my ‘Tiger phone,’ the address and the time)
That’s three contests in a row!
Three in a row where the waves were horse.
Pray for semi surf, Taj. Pray for semi surf.
Am I the only one who feels misled by all the “bright sunshine” photos from the comp, but you know cause you watched it that it was grey and ugly?
As long as they’re altering reality, why not make Jordy handsome, give Adriano some style and make it look like Flores can bury a rail?
Also, TB that last comment of yours was spot-on. And funny. No wonder the guy is EVERYONE’s 12th-favorite surfer…
MY 12TH FAVORITE SURFER IS…ME! WHEN I SWOOP ONE AT HIGH TIDE AND RAM IT OFF THE TOP, THEN PUMP IT DOWN THE LINE FOR SPEED, AND THEN…
WHAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMM!!!!
FUCK YEAH! SPRAY TO THE MOON!!!!
YOU GOTTA BE YOKED TO SKIM IT LIKE I SKIM IT!!!!!
Nothings changed from this contest except Jordy and Dane have matured the usual suspects are in control its cool they all lost.
LOL hammy: “As long as they’re altering reality, why not make Jordy handsome, give Adriano some style and make it look like Flores can bury a rail?”
As I sit by the fireplace sipping a lovely bottle of Rioja as snow falls outside I realized that watching Adriano surf reminds me of my first real snowboarding experience. I took an instructor every morning and by the third morning I was feeling pretty confident – after all I could surf and skateboard pretty well – and I was well past the ‘fall on ass or faceplant’ part of learning. I decided to give it some ‘style’. After an hour, on the way back up on the skilift my instructor turned to me and said “what’s up with your snowboarding today? You look like a crab trying to shit.” “I was trying to give it some style”, I said. “Well don’t”, he replied.
Crab trying to shit = Adriano.
I haven’t always been a huge fan of Adriano, but I’m down with him now. He’s earned his place among the elite 11 (or 12 if you count Freddy P.). Last contest only further validates it…. his style is just as good as Owen Wright’s or Dusty’s.
He doesn’t have a long window though at it looks like that new Jadson kids is already on his heels to take over the top spot for a Brazza… and that is only until Gabriel arrives on the scene in a few years.
That Jadson kid has some style period… specially for a Brazza. He looks way more solid on his feat than any of the other rookie class… way more.
“…like a crab trying to shit.”
Isn’t that what our partially-Jewish friend who now hates us said at PostSurf about Aritz Aranburu?
Not that don’t disagree with the assessment in either case.
I do agree with Elwod, that when you really look at Dusty and Owen, their styles do need work. The thing is, they are young enough to pull it off. Adriano is stuck with what he has at this point.
nug, let the words flow… pure entertainment
I don’t have any Jewish friends, Blasphemy. And my instructor was Italian. And he did use the term ‘crab trying to shit’. Just as on the same trip the instructors drinking prosecco in the morning before taking clients out left me free to think that drinking in the morning was acceptable behavior.
I never actually read any posts on postsurf anyway, what was it like?
When will the ASP do the right thing for surfing, itself? Sometimes the right decision is not the advertisers best case scenario.
Taj wins another contest at a break that isn’t itself. Girls interrupt CT quarterfinals and waste good tides. Cameramen miss scoring waves and replay had to found after the second day of being awol.
Taj is my 3rd favorite surfer on this tour. He will not run away with the title. Andy is done. Kelly is hungry, Jordy is neanderthal, Dane is as reckless with his career as he is with his surfing ( a good thing), and overall, the talent level on this current tour is probably the deepest in my surfing life time.
Too bad they(ASP) can’t get it together. They are squandering their interest level as badly as Barak has squandered his political capital. Sinking ships who have the same achilles heel….. they fail their premise.
Nice read Nuggy, you deserve a paying job if they’d let you do your thing.
Peter Perfect read every fucking single post on Post Surf…. his denial is a pathetic attempt to feign no responsibility for the comments of a few… primarily Blasphemy Rottmouth.
That dude is fuckin sick.
Now if Peter Perfect could just write as creatively as Mr Nug, he might be able to host his own blog.
Regarding Rookies
Few facts:
None made it past round 3. Here’s how they did by heat score (2 heat total):
Jadson: 29.40
Tanner G. 28.26
Dusty 23.80
Owen 21.07
Simpo 21.10
Patt G. 20.56
Nate Y. 19.60
Matt W. 19.30
What stands out… the only two dudes that posted scores with staying power were goofies, who were off everyone’s rador, and have no affiliation with any of the big corps (Jadson/Oakley , Tanner/Vans)…
It’s only one contest but it is a bit concerning for those of us who were hyped on this rookie class.
I’m very concerned Elwood. Thanks for alerting us to this continuing angle of a very intriquing rookie class.
What has me even more upset is two Gboys in the rookie class when I thought that only one qualified. Please investigate this anamoly Elwood and report back the distressing analysis… for those of us hyped on this rookie class.
Glad your on duty E-wood.
Oh fuck it, just give Mick his third title and get this mess over with!
@Mike 11:25,
Why? So he could quit a second time?
@Meatloaf Billfold
He set the bar high and suffered from the noose he tied onto his own neck. Art escaped any hope of commerce and the toll was unsustainable to poor lewie. Nothing like creating the template and watching the ants build cones.
If only Nug realized the 1500 comment record was awaiting his resignation at the same time as Jbay starts!!!
Abandon a blog, watch it grow… well, you did try to be “edgy”, didnt’ you Chas. Sometimes it works….
@Mike,
Edgy? You mean like Jed Smith?
Whisky is a hell of an elixir.
So’s, with that in mind, over the pass hour, I haf paid a visit to each an every link on youaw front page, Missta Nug. I leff a comment on eeeash one that allowed sush a thing. Don’t you worry tho, no one will know issth me.
An if they do, I wull blame you fur placin sush links within the grasp of maw stiff lill fingers. Plus, they prawlly doublin theyah nawmal page-count in the prowsess.
Awl stop naw/.
At any rate, I juss wanna apologize now in case thissth causes any undue retrobewshun on behaff of yore frenzz.
I do need fer a surff tomorrow. Stupid rain an wind.
fuvk alk ye all an all the ye louvre.
if i suck your dick nug and tell you how great you are will you keep me relevant in the surf world……
Surfing = still gay…. ish
I have only one thing to say to the empty bottle o’ Jameson that is perched next to my laptop:
“You sir, are a liar and a scoundrel! Never again will I believe you when these words come dripping off your soothing tongue; ‘don’t worry Mr. Ward, you’ll be fine if you finish the last of it’. Never again, I say!!!”
@Mike-
Stella’s are excellent. The only thing I don’t like is that paper around the rim. Wait…that didn’t come out right…
So, we can now foist our eyes upon Bells. Bells Beach reminds me of San Onofre after a mild dose of HGH. Screw the history and tradition of a place that once pumped perfection I mean, Brazil supposedly once had great waves, but you don’t see people holding contests there anymore do you? Well, DO YOU???
Uhhh… errr… wait.
Well, we are receiving that which we have sewn.
I pick Bede to win, with Mick, Joel and Kelly bringing up the rear. Jordy should finish in the top 10 for sure, and keep the illusion of a World Title burning in loins of his rabid fan base. The Dane will be a disaster in those molasses-like hills of chop. Bobby may have a shot at sneaking into the finals – like an odorless fart in an elevator. Everyone else should skip the comp and fly straight to the next contest at J-Bay and begin practicing.
What?
We all know they aren’t REALLY going to have a contest down in Brazil I mean, they couldn’t, right… right? Riiiiiiight???
Btw,
I cannot wait for the Power Rankings at Surfline to come out. And by ‘cannot wait,’ I of course would mean, ‘would rather take a ball peen hammer to my exposed temporal lobe.’
Concerning Nug’s comment about Newport Beach:
I surfed 35th street last summer and took note of all the young girls prancing and lolling about the boardwalk. And for every young girl, there was another grom with a faux vato-stache, ‘retro’ eighties boardshorts, and as many stickers as possible stuck to the hull of his Cordell. These schmucks had the style of a seizuring Danny Quack whilst attempting reverse after reverse to no avail with their toe-headed friends hooting them on.
I quickly realized that Newport Beach is a melting-pot of the vapid, the shallow and the stupid. Why? Because they CAN be. Bleached blonde, slender with full lips and big ol’ cans? Here’s your not-a-thought pass from society. Those ditzy twats, and the air-humping Hi-Fi poon hounds that chase them, piss-nostrils flared, are who I despise with every fiber in my pasty skin.
And I personally have no interest in saving or reforming them; I just greatly enjoy ridiculing their silly, narcissistic asses. Much like the massive rush o’ satisfaction I got at my 10 & 20 year high school reunions… seeing the preening peacocks of the 80’s, the football heroes (insert surf team captain here) and prom queens and trust-fund kids all laid low with bald spots, swollen guts and their fat spouses and Ritalin zombies in tow, while me and the other ‘nerds’ show up in cars we actually own, with good looking spouses and healthy salaries. You see, THAT is the part of the equation those preening little gremmies are missing: life is a marathon, not a sprint.
So haul ass and punt away you emo Hi-Fi cocksuckers; the peers you dismiss, the hard working kids with brains and integrity, are already tailgrabbin’ your ass.
Gawdammit!!!
{{panting}}
Pardon me for the rant. Damn. I think I was briefly indwelt by the spirit of Mike.
Just need a little drink to settle down and I’ll be fine.
{{panting}}
One little drink, tha’sall… just one…
It isn’t easy living in this brain Enoch and sometimes a rant lets just enough steam out of the tea kettle to keep it from boiling over…. therapy.
As for NB, what a place it was to get your pussy on, but once you accept jail (marriage) you have to leave. Nearly impossible to stay level headed with so much inland “talent” invading… happy to find a parking spot and a place to pee.
You guys have no idea how fortuitous available parking, a fridge filled with coldies and a toilet can be with the girls from Fullerton. Fish in a barrel.
That’s why you turn vapid Enoch, your blood rushes well south of your “brain”…. sex and surf zombies.
Yep.
… juss three lil’ drinks… thas’all.
Juss three…
You guys think too much. Here is my advice…
Grab your 3’10” Victoria Bigfoot.
Head on down to the Wedge.
Check it.
Time it.
SKIM IT MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!
SKIM IT TILL YOU BLOW SPRAY TO THE STRATOSPHERE!!!!!
FUCK YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I AM SO FUCKING YOKED!!!!!!!
Soaking up one more martini at the end of another day of family emergency….fuck…bahtendah are ya listnin’….
Every time I use Speedstick I put it on really slow. For some reason it makes me laugh.
Just read that Dylan Jones helped save Chris Ryan’s life at Blacks (along with Mark Racker). That is good shit. Dylan gets very little media play, but the guy absolutely charges/rips every big day at Blacks and kills the Mainland in season. And humble as anything. Made my day to hear Chris got brought back to life!!!
Sorry, that should have said Mark Bracker. And props to Phillipe Duhaime for initiating the rescue.
PS, if you dont think single fins are a good choice in solid surf, you have not seen Dylan Jones on a canyon set at Blacks.
@Jamon,
That is a heart-warming story and all… but that could have been one less surfer in the lineup on the next big swell.
**ducks, heads for the exits**
Wait Enoch! You left your whiskey behind…WAIT!!! Hey…hey…hmmmm….is this Makers Mark? Well then…. Nevermind, Enoch, havent seen a thing….keep ducking! Cheers!
…a new post, Mr. Nuggyness? Things are getting awfully quiet around here…
@Might I Suggest,
Hush your tongue heathen. Nug’s getting laid for the first time in almost six years. And it’s even a GIRL!!!
heh heh.
….that Nug use plenty of protection….perhaps Saran Wrap….
WHERE IS EVERYONE????
Nug! Get off the babysitter and get back to typing the next missive! Come on man! You were on a roll! No time to fall off the wagon now! The monkeys are getting restless…
Comments in this thread are being generated slower than a Bells Beach set wave at high tide.
The waves at Bells are slower than the palsy-stricken hamsters that churn the rusty wheels inside PeterPerfect’s porridge-filled head.
The waves at Bells are colder than all eight of Mark’s mother’s teats during a blustery Nor’ Easter.
@Enoch Ward
Meet me in the parking lot at Windansea Friday morning at 8 a.m. biyaatch.
That is the last comment I will take about my Mom.
In an effort to spice things up, I have decided to cut and paste random excerpts from the 2009 PostSurf Bells PowerRankings. Checking in at No. 19…Dean Morrison!
“Fuck, Dean Morrison bores me to tears. This guy is so normal, nice, down-to-earth and stylish… what the fuck am I supposed to say about him? Bleh. Do something! Dance, monkey, dance! It’s not like you’re entitled to a normal life and comfortable athletic career! Don’t you know that by virtue of being one of the Top 45 surfers in the world, you are now simply a target here to amuse the masses. If you cannot succeed beyond our wildest expectations, please have the common courtesy to self-disintegrate in an impressive and violent fashion. ”
Pure gold….read that & weep Nug! Or give us something fresh dammit!
It’s like my work doesn’t even care about taco Tuesday. Seriously, I need to feel the indigestion of triple sec.
…that if randomrandomness were the one drowning at Blacks, we would have a very difficult moral dilemma on our hands…
A Bedtime Story
by: Enoch Ward
It was a cool winter’s evening, and all through the house:
I had barely completed the placement of my skin-ensconced lap throttle within the toaster oven, when I realized that PeterPerfect was having verbal diarrhea in the bathroom. Lazer was perusing the Book of Baby Names in an effort to change his identity. Mike was masturbating to pictures of Karl Marx. Mark was masturbating to pictures of Karl Rove. Jamon was fellating a rotten tomato named PostSurf. Elwood hastily denied the rumors that he was using The Dane’s beret as a pantyliner. Dave Mailman was finding the placement of his index finger within his fiance’s butthole to be a futile, and somewhat painful matter. Trauzersnak drooled yogurt from his yawning mouth.
And The Nug plugged his junk into a light socket one more time in a lst ditch effort to arouse the muse within.
The end.
@EW
Sorry but the above effort is, MAX, a 5.2 on the comedy scale set by yourself.
My mom used to tell me that it is sometimes better to say nothing at all than to say something stupid simply to hear yourself speak.
@Jamon Bagel@13:54
I was going to pile on and use mr. Bagels comment to construct a jab at Nug along the lines of “you suck compared to Lewis” but decided against it.
Bloggers are like surfers. Some have different styles and approach the blog in their own unique way that is difficult to judge and compare to other bloggers.
So what if Lewis is the Slater of the surfing blogosphere? Nug needs to realize that his homeboy Brett Simpson is a hell of a surfer and be proud of the fact that, at this stage, Nug is the Simpo of the surfing blogs.
Oh well at least I can count on the comments thread on Surfline to keep me entertained. Some real characters over there.
I disagree Mark. I give EWs post a 12.6, minus .7 for lack of claim. The Karl Marx/Rove image alone is like landing a no-grab 720 in the Waimea shorebreak, then jumping off your board and running up the beach to lay down next to two hot Filipina chicks in yellow thongs.
To clarify, I acutally quite appreciate Mr. Nugs musings and did not intend to disparage or slight him in any way, except to say GIVE US SOME GODDAMNED CONTENT YOU LAZY BASTARD!!! WE ARE ADDICTS, FOR LAIRDS SAKE!!!
Also, I very much enjoy the recurring toaster oven motiff. Warms my carbohydrate-filled little heart.
Thank you Laird! Nug hath publish-ed againith!
Must be the Bagel Shack everything bagel. Best bagels in six counties.