The Top Fucking 5© 2010 WCT Rookies

5 02 2010

Dusty Payne is the first Maui surfer on the WCT. Photo: Childs

Winning the WQS is like being the best a plumber in the world. I guess it’s something to be proud of, but no one really cares. That being said, Daniel Ross won the WQS in 2009. But I can’t include Dan “The Plumber” in The Top Fucking 5© because he’s not really a rookie. This is his second attempt after a one-and-done 2008. With the new one-tier format starting next year he’s the penultimate WQS champ. Let’s look at the cream of the WQS crop.

5) Patrick Gudauskas
Pat narrowly missed the cut last year and his motivation propelled him into second place in the WQS ratings. His rodeo clown in the Maldives got a ton of press. Then all three Guduaski (I’m assuming the plural version is akin to Cacti) surfed the same heat at Sunset last month. Even Octomom was envious. This is what I wrote about the Gudauskas brothers a few months ago. “The Gudauskas brothers are everywhere. Just now I went to the fridge to grab a beer and one of them was parked right beside the hardened butter and eggs. The little fucker had his wetsuit on too. They are multiplying I tell you. On the seventh day God got so tired of producing the little miracles of joy that the Gudauski are, he needed to take a day off, kick off his Reef sandals and decompress.” Prepare to see more of them. Pat is part of the San Clemente trio that qualified for the WCT this year. Pat and Tanner Gudauskas, along with Nate Yeomans, might not be Athos, Porthos, and Aramis but the “all for one, one for all” credo might just give them a boost for their maiden Dream Tour voyage.

4) Matt Wilkinson
The Aussie goofyfoot told Stab Magazine earlier this year he had the ASP judges figured out and it looks like he was right. “They will give you a seven for one air reverse,” he said. “I thought, surely I can do two air reverses in 15 waves. Two sevens in a heat is all you need to beat someone who does backhand or forehand reos all contest. You’d have to be retarded to fail to do two air reverses in 15 waves.” Matt has reverses wired but he’s going to have to mix it up to compete with the elite. He can go either way, He might blow up or he might struggle. If he puts together a good showing at Snapper and Bells he just might be a darkhorse candidate for Rookie of the Year.

3) Brett Simpson
Brett comes from a long line of talented Huntington Beach surfers that seem to fizzle out like candle at the Playboy mansion’s grotto on fat girl night. When they hit the world stage something happens. Most don’t even make it this far. Brett peaked at the US Open last year. Speaking of HB, last week the Huntington Beach City Council introduced a measure aimed to outlaw beer pong. I’m serious. But Simpo is part of the new Huntington…clean cut, progressive. But I’m a sucker for the seedy side. The side that would charge 15-foot Pipe and Chopes then down a few Hinanos in the channel between heats. It might take a few years, but he’ll find his rhythm and embrace the dark side of Surf City.

2) Dusty Payne
What’s this? A Volcom surfer on the WCT? Seeing more than two Volcom surfers on tour is like seeing more than two Indians together off the reservation. It never happens. Except Indian casinos. The 21-year-old from Maui replaced fellow Volcom Stoner Bruce Irons and qualified for the ’CT on his on his first attempt. He just might be the best of the lot and if you’re going to gamble on Rookie of the Year, he’d be a solid bet. With the new, one-tier ranking system even Dusty is in the dark. “Guys on the tour have no idea how it works,” he said during the Volcom Pipeline Pro. I predict Dusty will make the cut and finish in the high teens this year. However, the over/under on the amount of times web announcers utter the phrase “Maui Wowie” is exactly 420.

1) Owen Wright
Editor’s Note: I asked the infamous Enoch Ward (AKA Blasphemy Rottmouth, AKA Ol’ Dirty Bastard, AKA ♂ ) to tackle Owen’s segment.
Dear Owen Wright,
I congratulate you on being the only surfer on earth that prays each night to his Laird and Savior for ALL of his heats to be against Kelly Slater. Luckily you never pearl because your nose acts as a tri-pod anytime your thorax bends in excess of 13 degrees forward. I don’t mean to poke fun at something only the Good Laird or an inebriated plastic surgeon in Tijuana can fix… but good god man! That nose would cause a continually-lying proboscis monkey named Pinocchio to blush with envy. I halfway expect there to be 74 smaller noses in your left nostril alone. Do your boogers come with training wheels on them? If Larry King grew his frosted tips out, shed his glasses, and donned a Rip Curl rubber, then you’ve found your stunt double for Kai Neville’s next rumored project: ‘Modern Colonoscopy II: Bare-Back Mountin’ with Dion Agius and some of his Special Friends.’ In summary, keep the sacred words of Alfredo Villas-Boas near and dear to your heart as you paddle out for your first heat at Snapper: “On my surfboard I am grounded like cement on my feet.” Peace and good tidings.

Always and forever,
Enoch Ward

Rookie of the year favorite Owen Wright. Photo: ASP/Warbrick


Why Did the ASP Axe Perry Hatchett?

4 02 2010

Perry Hatchett, the longest-serving head judge in ASP history, is out. Photo: ASL

Scapegoat \ˈskāp-ˌgōt\ noun
a: one that bears the blame for others
b: one that is the object of irrational hostility.

In sports, a judge, official or referee is a thankless job.     

Perry Hatchett, the ASP’s now ex-head judge, held the position since 1997. Australia’s Surfing Life broke the story yesterday. Technically he was not fired. They just did not renew his contract. Because the ASP has essentially been silent on the matter, I can only speculate on their logic and timing. The 2010 season begins in less than a month.  So why was he really let go? Was it because…   

a) He thought a rodeo clown was a Brazilian midget from São Paulo.    

b) He threatened to leave and replace Simon Cowell on American Idol.    

c) Former Russian Olympic judge Igor Kasmanov said he’d replace Hatchett for half the price—as long as Alana Blanchard joins Russia’s ice skating team.     

d) ASP CEO Brodie Carr saw Modern Collective and lost his marbles. He couldn’t believe such maneuvers were possible. He had to do something quickly. Since Oliver North was unavailable Hatchett was the next logical scapegoat.     

e) Rebel Tour dementia got the best of the ASP stakeholders, causing the same I-can-do-anything-I-want syndrome that urged Napoleon and Hitler to invade Russia in the winter.  

f) He was unable to understand the “revised” judging criteria because they changed it from paragraph from to bullet point form.      

All kidding aside, Hatchett was true ambassador for the sport and ASP leadership has suffered from Bugs-itis since Rabbit Bartholomew stepped down as ASP President at the end of the 2008 season. This is yet another blow. Bugs gave the tour even more legitimacy. He was a surfer’s surfer. A former world champ. He was instrumental in making the Association better for everyone. The Dream Tour was his concept. His baby. He wasn’t an absolute savior by any means. He couldn’t turn water into wine. But, in a way, he turned Huntington into Trestles and Allentown into Chopes. And we can thank Bugs and Mr. Hatchett for that.

Jamie O’Brien-Post Volcom Pipeline Pro Interview

4 02 2010


Tell me about that quarterfinal heat. That was a good one.
Definitely. The heat with John John, Bruce (Irons) and Marcus (Hickman) was probably the hardest heat I’ve ever had at Pipeline. I was really nervous coming into it, but at the same time I wasn’t trying to think too much about it because I figured everybody else was pretty nervous too. It was kind of funny. I paddled out and Bruce was like “Oh you’re in my heat?” And then he sees John John and says “you too; and then he looks over at Marcus and says, “AND you? Damn!” 

What about the final?
It was two Australians and two Hawaiians. Myself and (Danny) Fuller. Mark Mathews and Anthony Walsh. It was cool because there were really good rights and lefts. At first everyone wanted the lefts and Mark wanted rights. So me and Mark kept almost colliding at the top, but I got lucky and got a couple really good waves and it worked in my favor. It was a fun final. It was a bit long. I got nervous. 

You got nervous at the end?

Then Mark got the nine.
Yeah, Mark got the 9.7 and it was funny because I paddled for that wave and I didn’t really look right, started paddling and I looked back. Last second I said, “I’m going no matter what. I’m in the spot. If he dogs me he dogs me.” I got a pretty good wave. I was really stoked. When I paddled back out I didn’t even know Mark went right. After they announced the 9.7, I was like “damn I better sit on Mark.” I got an 8.7. Then it got more inconsistent throughout the morning. So it worked out for me. 

Did you actually regret getting that score you needed in the final knowing full well you’d have to go to the beach and do about 20 interviews and not get to freesurf after?
(Laughs) Actually the waves were good and I wanted to stay out there. And I saw all the boys paddling out. After my wish for (the ocean) to go flat with 8 minutes left in the final it became a reality. Ten minutes after my heat was over it was still flat. (laughs) So it was kind of funny. 

How did you prepare for the final day? I imagine you did some yoga and downed a few protein shakes?
(Trying to hold back laughter) Actually when I’m in contest I get nervous so I don’t eat too much. I just fill myself with liquid…I was drinking water and Red Bulls all morning. 

I was kind of surprised you skipped the six star in Brazil?
I wasn’t even entered. 

But it was a six star. What about the points?
I was talking to a friend because Hang Loose sponsored that contest and my friend who rides for them said “come down I’ll get you into the event.” And I said, “nah, I’m good. I just wanted to stay at home in Hawaii and work on my movie. Just chill in Hawaii.” 

I’m looking at the ASP rankings and they have you 48th place in the one-tier rankings.
I’m coming in. 

But the ASP fined you?
Yeah, I got fined. I burnt the rulebook and they fined me. Whatever. It’s OK. It was kind of funny because during the contest they were like “you know you owe us money.” Every time I checked in for a heat they’d be like “there’s money on the side.” These guys were really trying to put the pressure on me. (Jamie was shown burning the ASP rule book in the trailer to his movie.)

Like the IRS?
Yeah, pretty much like the IRS. They were just waiting to tax me, but it worked out well. I burned the rulebook. It cost me. I was stoked to win the event and pay them back and get on my way. 

You board looked one sticker light?
It’s actually a couple of stickers light (Jamie is no longer riding for Rusty clothing). Red Bull stepped up. They wanted to back my movie making choices and help me in that direction. And that’s the direction I wanted to go. I wasn’t getting too much backing from some of the other companies for my movie, so I put my head down and went with Red Bull. They’re great people. A great company. There’s nothing better than riding for Red Bull. 

Are you looking for a lighter sponsor now?
A what? 

A lighter sponsor. Like Zippo or Bic.
(Laughs) Well, there’s definitely some interesting stuff going on. Right now Red Bull has my back and we’re open to offers. It couldn’t happen at a better time. 

This is your fifth win at Pipe, right?
My fifth win and my third time winning this event, so I was pretty stoked. I’m trying to rack up the wins at Pipe. That’s my goal in life. 

To win contests at Pipe and free surf?
Yep, exactly. 

If they held the whole tour at Pipe would you be world champ?

You don’t have trouble getting waves at Pipe but it still must be nice having only three other guys out?
It’s nice to have three guys out but when the level that high in your heat it’s probably harder to catch waves, because everyone wants that same wave. And it’s a contest so you can dog your friend. In a free surf you aren’t going to want to dog your friend. You know what I mean? Your friend can say “it’s a contest” and you have to kind of agree with him (lowers voice) “I guess so damn it, but I kind of hate you right now. I ain’t gonna lie.” 

It’s no secret you’re mainly a freesurfer and don’t do many contests. There’s a lot of guys who are really good surfers but can’t surf contests. That’s not the case with you.
I know I’m a competitor deep down inside, but I don’t like being at one place in the world when the waves are better somewhere else. I want to be where the waves are the best. During this event I saw that a good swell was hitting Bali and I was freaking out. Saying I got to get to Bali. But it just didn’t fit my window. It just so happens that every time there’s a surf contest the waves are 30 million times better somewhere else across the world. 

How’s the movie (Who is J.O.B.) coming along?
The movie is coming along really well. We have everything together. We have some final stuff to run through on the film. We going to be filming from now until mid-April and we’ll be doing a huge premiere in L.A., a big celebrity party. So it should be pretty crazy. It should blow up. It will be all done in May and we’ll start a new project straight after that. I’m going to try to go do something new and different after this. 

You play a big role on the editing process don’t you?
I like to be a big part of the editing. I used to do it, but I found a really good editor. He’s really good with the filming too…which is Dayten. I’ve also been working with my friend Rueben. It’s always nice to help your friend out. I’ve been working with Vincent Laforet. We have a really good team. It should come out really good. Red Bull is backing us 10 million percent. They’re telling me they are going to blow it up even harder than Travis Rice’s (snowboard) film. I’m ready. I want to see it. This is my dream. This is my world title…making a movie. 

Note: The preceding interview first appeared on




Five Photos, Five Quotes

1 02 2010

Subject: Jay “Bottle” Thompson.
When in doubt, go for the dick joke.
-Robin Williams

Subject: Jamie O’Brien 
It’s impossible to get anywhere without sinning against reason.
-Albert Einstein

Subject: Alex Knost
Though I believe it sinful to be queer, it has at least saved me from becoming
a pillar of the establishment.

-W.H. Auden

Subject: OP Pro 1986
Crazy people can often be very charismatic.
David Mazzucchelli, Asterios Polyp

Subject: Frank Zappa
Rock journalism is people who can’t write interviewing people who can’t
talk for people who can’t read.* 
-Frank Zappa
*Maybe he was talking about surf journalism.