Will 2010 be Slater's last drink? Photo: ASP/Roberson
The first event of the WCT season is crucial to world title aspirations. A good start on the Gold Coast can slingshot you into world title contention. A bad result can affect your entire year. A perfect example is Kelly Slater’s early exit last year at Snapper. He seemingly never recovered. Since 2005 only 14 surfers have won a WCT event. Just 14. Can you believe that? If that doesn’t prove how difficult winning a ’CT event is, I don’t know what does.
The new One World ASP format will make things even more interesting this year, even if an Asian MIT grad can’t figure out how it works. With the Top 44 being reduced to 32 surfers at the mid-point of the season, a good start in 2010 is more important than ever. Additionally, there’s been a lot of hype surrounding the “revised” judging criteria for 2010 and the Quiksilver Pro will be its first test at the elite level. And according to recent reports, Snapper is looking prime and ready to fire just in time. But who knows? This is a mobile event and Duranbah might see a little action as well.
Joel Parkinson (2009 Result 1st)
The aftertaste of last year’s debacle may be still haunting him like Macbeth’s demons. Unless his conscience is “too full o’ the milk of human kindness,” Parko will be looking for blood in 2010, and he’ll have more of the crimson liquid on his hands than the aforementioned Shakespearean protagonist. After nursing a bum ankle during the later half of ’09, he appears to be 100 percent healthy and that equals bad news for the rest of the top 44. Because he’ll be surfing in front of a hometown crowd, you know he wants to win this one badly. And I expect him to do just that.
Kelly Slater (2009 Result 17th)
On his death bed whiskey maker Jack Daniel went out in style. His last words were “One last drink, please.” 2010 might be Kelly’s ASP farewell tour and if he truly wants it he will be popping champagne bottles in Hawaii (or before that) in lieu of Tennessee whiskey. Last year, on the Gold Coast, everyone was talking about the kneeboards he was riding. This year they’ll still be talking about his boards, but instead opponents will also be on their knees praying they don’t draw the 9-time champ in a heat. I expect no less than a finals appearance, and if he decides to do the entire tour he’ll win number 10 this year. Book it.
Bede Durbidge (2009 Result 5th)
Bede finished second in the world in 2008. Last year he finished third. How does this guy get virtually no press? Maybe Al Qaeda should recruit the Australian, because he’s so far under the radar he could hop on a Qantas flight from Sydney to Los Angeles with bomb strapped to his belly and no one would notice. Maybe he should start wearing eyeliner or go on a Tiger Woods-esque sex bender. All kidding aside, his local knowledge and ability to beat anyone when he’s on will pay off. Expect him to make the semis.
Mick Fanning (2009 Result 3rd)
If the “revised” judging criteria holds true, which on paper rewards progressive surfing more than ever, Mick might suffer more than any of the other world title contenders. He just doesn’t have the manuevers in his arsenal to match up with like Dane, Jordy, Slater and the up-and-coming young guns. But the ASP Tour is not a Kai Neville or Taylor Steele film and the two-time champ knows how to win. Besides, the judges have suffered from Paris Hilton’s Lazy Eye Syndrome for years. Why should 2010 be any different? You certainly can’t knock Mick’s innate competitive desire and ability to win when it counts. I’m pretty sure he’ll get a good result, but don’t expect them to hand out Micktory T-shirts and trucker hats when it’s over.
Taj Burrow (2009 Result 3rd)
Taj is on a roll. He won the last WCT event of 2009 at Pipeline and the recent 4-star WQS at Burleigh. That might give him the momentum he needs to mount a world title campaign in 2010. Consistency is his strength and weakness. He’s always in the hunt but can’t seem to ever finish the job. His clock his ticking. It can be argued the Western Australian gave progressive contest surfing its launching pad. If the tour was a Tennessee Williams’ play he’d be Amanda Wingfield, longing for the days when he was the belle of the ball. He still has a few prime years left, and half of the time competitive surfing is just luck. Taj always comes through with good results on the Gold Coast. I can’t see him finishing with less than an equal fifth here.
Dane Reynolds (2009 Result 9th)
There’s so much hype surrounding Dane he’s like a genetically engineered love child of Barack Obama, Miki Dora and Christian Fletcher. Dane is progressive surfing’s perceived savior. Last year at Jeffreys Bay he hit his stride and began to live up to the hype—at least competitively. He has so much talent and is so in tune with the ocean, that if he was female the tides might just ebb and flow with his menstrual cycle. If the revised judging criteria isn’t just PR propaganda, his go-for-broke approach in heats will surely benefit. A good start here may just propel him into the top 5 this year. It’s a sizable gamble to state he’ll be on the winner’s podium. At Snapper, he could lose in the first round or win the whole thing. My prognostication skills are like Dane’s surfing and I’m willing to gamble on this one.
Jordy Smith (2009 Result 9th)
I saw the South African assassin surfing a marginal beachbreak in Orange County about a week ago and he was just lighting it up. He might be the best surfer in the world right now. What amazes me about Jordy is he’s 6’2’’ and nearly 200 pounds. He can throw buckets of water and huck himself six feet in the air on the same wave. He probably won’t win, but I predict he’ll make the trek to Bells with no less than an equal fifth under his belt.
Owen Wright (2009 Result N/A)
Owen is my dark horse pick to win the Quik Pro. The only negative for Owen at Snapper is he’s a goofyfoot, which means he’ll be on his backhand. If some of the comp runs at D-Bah that might help his chances even more because it’s a right or left. When it comes to competing he has balls the size of watermelons. Slater? Parko? Mick? No worries. It doesn’t seem to faze the kid one iota. If he drew Jesus of Nazareth in round three he’d probably shrug and say “looks like I’m going to have to one up this guy’s walk-on-water routine.” And he probably would.
Nugable 
I love this line: “he’s like a genetically engineered love child of Barack Obama, Miki Dora and Christian Fletcher”
Spot on Nug
But …
How is Owen Wright a darkhorse? The kid has more hype than all the rookies combined. Without even taking a breath every surf nerd on Earth instantly claims him as Rookie Of The Year.
Dane’s gonna win, bro.
Taj is the form surfer and loses to Kelly in the final by a decent margin…. sound familiar.
Snapper could really test the “new” judging criteria….. Parko gets a 6 second barrel ride or Dane/Jordy and co. bust 3+ new age maneuvers on same wave… who gets the higher score???
@cote
Perhaps dark horse is the wrong phrase. But then again, when was the last time a rookie won a CT?
Don’t hold your breath on the scoring Elwood, if Snapper is firing it will relegate the trampoline brigade to the same ol/same ol criteria of tube riding and functional linkage.
Taj and Kelly sounds good to me and we all know how that would turn out assuming somewhat equal waves. K9 is a warrior and Taj is living a dream.
Parko… tasted defeat from the jaws of victory and will now slouch into the botttom 10… only to emerge with long hair and a lazier drawl in a film 5 years from now called “The Splifter”.
Fanning will score pinball score heats and make Enoch quite upset.
It’s pretty hot on the Goldie, will Quiksilver bring a parabolic chamber and mobile IV for Dane? What if he has to surf 2 heats in one day?? The guy can win anytime he wants, but that assumes he wants to.
Jordy may be Fanning to Dane’s Parko. Much more solid and much more hungry. Similar story waiting for a stage.
Bede is this tours Dave Mc Cauley… always in the mix, but completely anonymous away from the scaffolding. Can you imagine the whining if he won? Enoch would blow a gasket.
As for the rookies, I agree with Cote that Wright has the juice. Nice Jesus metaphor Nug, the kid is ready and there won’t be any rookie jitters. Look for Owen to eclipse Dane by the end of the season.
There are a lot of talented athletes, but the ones that distinguish themselves have the heart of a warrior. Carroll, Curren, Andy, Fanning and of course King Kelly.
Hard to beat that kind of surfer when you’ve built in your excuse for losing (don’t care). Just ask Brucey.
Owen will never eclipse Dane. Maybe he’ll get more 6’s and make more heats, but in the words of someone who was talking to Owen Wright one day, not sure who, “I know Dane Reynolds Mr. Wright, and you sir are no Dane Reynolds.”
dane might have the look(style out of the water) and talent but owen sure has the fire and talent. owen might have a bigger impact than dane over time
Slater been on tour 16 years and won 9 times. Ill double down on him any day. As for the rest of the pack Taj wins snapper, Adiano gets 3rd ………. i must rest the vision is blurry…………….
………Nate Yeomans and brett Simpson will receive a dirty-turd…….their first of many………
no mention of dusty?
“the splifter”.
that is funny.
one more thing mike.
jordy surfs better than fanning.
What does everyone think about Andy’s chances??
I watched his heat at the Breaka- he lost to a guy with a brown board and a spaghetti stance. not too sure about the big, glorious return.
I hate to say it but I think he’ll struggle early and then shake off the cobwebs after a few events and tuck right into the top 10. I’m thinking a 17th at Snapper.
Andy’s chances are mercurial. He hasn’t shown anything in the last two years the remotely resembles his halcyon days as the champ. He reminds me more of Shaquille O’Neil these days. Though Shaq’s far removed from his dominant days, people still want to watch him, he makes the league interesting, and no one wants to play him man on man.
I could be wrong, but I think A.I.’s going to struggle to stay on tour, before eventually quitting again. I think Mike already made that point a few threads ago, but I can’t remember where.
This was a well written piece Nug.
My pic for Snapper: Slater. Don’t think he didn’t heed Bobby’s comments in that ESPN article. Motivation, table of one? Served.
Dark horse: Kekoa
Before i get carried away with the write offs, what is the real swell forecast (magicless seaweed is claiming waist high at kirra saturday)…..
Chris Davidson is a good sleeper too.
For a bag of mexi weed : WHO was the last Goofy to Win at SNapper???
It was me.
Where am i ranked NUG??? I am the new JIHAD or was JIhad the new me??? anyways Im back and Ive got a full bag of two tricks!!!!!!!!
Neco is my boy. He’s a former EHS student and surf team member, along with myself and Flavio P. (RIP Rothrock).
He’ll probably get a 33rd though.
Bede is like the guy in 4th Place in ski cross who sits back and waits for the leaders to crash, then flashes by and takes the medal. He links everything, constantly busts tail, and can reliably land basic airs (i.e., score) consistently. Unless they have REALLY changed the judging criteria, then I would take a throway c-note and put it on the Durbo for a chance to cash in at, say 5:1
Not that I want that, but I would take the money. Premium organic pork aint cheap.
You are being kind Nug. I have Neco finishing 72nd at Snapper. Which is slightly behind Lee Ann Curren.
@Mark 09:52
Yeah, but who would win a claim-off between Fanning and Jordy?
I would!!!! I claimed it when I landed in OZ, after I got a taxi, when I got to my room, and after I ate my first meatpie……
Cum to think of it, I too would like to finish slightly, or perhaps, directly behind Lee Ann.
@Nug
If Sunny wanted to beef would you run like a headless chicken through Beach Park all the way to Rockies like Neco?
Or would you man up and throw down?
Whatever, at Haliewa this year i had brian toth running for the HILLS!!!! Yes he is 1/3 sunny’s weight but he fears me!!!!
What about a forecast for the waves nug?????
If Sunny wanted a piece of me, I’d promptly turn into an oozing puddle of liquid meat. For I am built like a tube sock filled with fish bones.
But later that night, after I was stitched up and coherent enough, I would verbally abuse him on the internet. I’d probably call him an asshole, and tell him that his face was uglier and flatter than the pads on the bottoms of Mark’s mother’s feet.
My friend ran all the way from the inlet to Wabsso when Crawford was after him back in the 70’s
was it a drug deal gone wrong?????
Which brings up the issue, what are the new ASP guidelines for scoring claims?
I propose the following:
-Single fist, full arm extension = 0.10
-Single fist, full arm extension + double pump = 0.15
-Double fist, both arms fully extended = 0.25 (0.1 deduction per hand if index finger pointed skyward)
-Uppercut = 0.15
-Uppercut with pronounced backward lean = 0.17
-Double Uppercut = 0.20
-Downward punch, MMA Style = 0.23
-Double downward punch with simulated throat slit = 0.31
-Chest pound (any kind) = 2.0 point deduction but automatic quarterfinal berth
in Santa Catarina Pro
-Both hands clasped behind head + triple pelvic thrust = Automatic Heat Victory
Jamon, This is a perfect article idea. email me, or i’ll just steal it and write it myself.
@Jamon,
I would like to think that A.I.’s rifle shot claim at Chopes a few years back would garner an automatic top-seed into all subsequent events that year.
Especially when you pull off the claim as ‘someone’ is getting even more shacked right behind you.
Nice sliding scale Jamon.
YOu’re right Enoch, Andy is finished. That pouchy belly and the wedding ring seperate him from his days of hunger.
Nug, you are crazy, Chris Davidson???!!!! Fuck, I’ll take the opposite bet.
As for Dusty Mark, he’ll need a year to get his act together. The reality is Owen is the only tour ready rook. More than tour ready…
How about dane and jordy at chopes. Jordy pulls a backside 3 followed by a claim only to end up losing miserably…..
Fuck, how did I miss that? A Hall of Fame Claim!
Heres to 20 minutes scouring YouTube.
@Mike
Thing is Dusty has a style that fits Snapper.
He will slot into the barrel behind the rock like it’s a 4 foot Cave section at Honolua and then proceed to go all mod coll on the Little Marley twisters that wind all the way into Rainbow Bay.
I’ll bet you a Pabst Blue Ribbon Dusty finishes ahead of Owen at the Quik Pro Mike.
As for Andy I agree that he doesn’t appear, at this point, to have the same animal desire as in the halcyon days of his title years.
HOWEVER.
If by some chance he looks good and makes the quarters or better and then makes the quarters or better at Bells then LOOK THE FUCK OUT WORLD!!! It will be on like Trauzerdong when the tour hits J-Bay ( don’t know about Brazil ) and THEN, if he is in the top ten going into Tahiti, AND a real swell appears, it is on like it is 19 fucking 99!!!!!!!
You have to admit that Andy Irons, when at 100 percent and full of piss, vinegar and vicoden, is the best surfer on the planet INCLUDING Kelly Slater.
Plus he has a better style then anyone besides Parko.
Go Andy! You are a fucking CHAMPION MATE!! Geevum!
P.S.
My friend SmyrnaJeff asked me to say that it wasn’t him that commented earlier.
He is workin double shifts at the Daytona Marriot as a banquet waiter right now so he didn’t have time to defend himself.
Great Post Nug!
Bagel’s claim comment is currently in the lead for “best of thread” award, but a few points must be deducted since the source of inspiration wasn’t from inside his own head! SouthTexas from InSurfNews sound familiar? Anyone? Anyway…
Mike’s comment, “There are a lot of talented athletes, but the ones that distinguish themselves have the heart of a warrior”, is why Owen Wright will not only win ROTY, but may possibly finish Top 5 first year out. The kid fears nothing and no one. I saw him beat Kelly at Bells and in Portugal. One of the very few surfers who actually rattled K9’s cage last year. Having said that, I don’t think he’ll get farther than the Quarters unless it’s all at D-Bah.
Assuming it’s all at Snapper my money is on Kelly, Mick or Parko to win. No matter how the judges interpret the re-worded criteria (nothing new about it, just innovative and progressive are mentioned earlier in the text) Kelly is still the King, and Mick and Parko rule the Superbank as hard a Lopez ruled Pipe in the 70’s. Taj, Dane and Jordy should all at least make the Quarters benefiting from the perception that the “new” criteria should favor their kind of surfing. In reality, they’ll get there because each in his own way will have matured in the way they approach surfing heats.
Which leaves room for 2 more in my Top 8… So, I’m gonna pick 4 of ’em. Why not?
I’ve already claimed Owen before, so I’ll say it again Quarters for sure, along with:
Bede – His home break and can do functional if nonetheless “safe” airs.
Adriano – New kids on the block and re-worded criteria will finally get him to open up his bag of tricks. If I’m right he could win a few comps this year.
Pat G – A hail Mary shot, I admit! But, I have to have one Cali kid on this list, and he is by far the most well rounded of the new crop of Golden Staters on tour. Motivated, focused, amped, full bag of tricks, tube skills and if conditions are like last year’s finals he charges too. Could have picked Bobby, but backside at Snapper isn’t the same as backside at Rincon.
No mention of Andy in my Top 10. I hope he finds the fire again, but I think 3 titles is enough for him. Just along for the ride.
A few more to watch out for:
Jeremy Flores – Back from injury and will be hungry as hell. A born competitor who has spent loads of time on the Goldy over the years.
Adam Melling – A Fanning clone. Fast, fit, focused and precise as fuck. Plus he can bust an air or two… while freesurfing or if he has to, to win a heat.
Dusty Payne – Dusty is most impressive in bigger, more solid surf than standard Superbank, but if he’s been practicing in the small stuff, or if it pumps, he could be a dark horse à la Josh Kerr his rookie year.
Mark,
Lots of ifs, ands, and buts in your last comment, but I’ve never agreed with you more. However, I’ll take that PBR bet about Owen and Dusty! What if they both get equal placings though?
Mark,
Not your last comment actually, but the one where you miraculously bring AI back from the dead and into a run for a 4th World Title, which would be totally deserved by the way…
I can’t believe I actually agree with Mark about anything!?! See everyone, surfing can bring people together! It doesn’t all have to be about the hate!
Ah, man, first I miss the rifleshot claim, then find out someone from the past stole my idea. Shit. Mailman, can you find a link. I wanna see. PS, bagels dont HAVE brains, so your comment is immediately suspect.
Also, am I the only one who thought Dane-at-his-best was better in his rookie year than last year? The talent is still there, and the consistency is better, but to this sandwich he has looked a lot more forced and a lot less brilliant since he jacked up his ankle and went into hiding.
Couldn’t disagree more about Dane looking less than his rookie year last year. Let it be known that Dane wins as long as he doesn’t do something stupid or fall when he shouldn’t. I state matter of factly that if everyone surfs at their absolute best ability Dane beats ’em all.
Couldn’t agree more with Marks take on Andy; Arguably the best surfer that ever was and is dismissed to easily. If he stays focused and in shape he’ll be right up there with anybody else.
With the above all said, if I was a betting man I would put my money on Slater -provided heats aren’t run when they shouldn’t be ala last year and that he rides something no shorter than 5’4″.
Jamon,
Here you go!
http://insurfnews.com/?p=1436
SO TEX SURFER
“Does anyone else share my opinion that professional surfing should just bring the claim out of the shadows and into the limelight?
Right now the claim occupies a very mysterious and ambiguous role in the judging criteria…The claim does not go unnoticed.
Surfers regularly employing the claim are sort of like recreational pot smokers. It’s the dark underbelly of the sport, in the sense that it’s not officially recognized by the status quo as acceptable regular behavior – despite the fact that at one time or another we’ve all either done it – or at least we accept it as here to stay regardless of our personal feelings regarding those who choose to do it. The claim, and weed, are viewed by the mainstream to varying degrees anywhere from despicable to indispensable. Like a marijuana smoker puffing on a joint being viewed by some as repulsive and by others as completely acceptable whether or not they choose to partake in that sort of activity.
Like many of the governments of the countries represented by the top professional surfers, professional surfing has chosen to ignore the issue, content to adhere steadfastly to the traditional methods of treatment rather than taking a progressive and proactive approach to the situation.
We continue to leave the drug problems our society faces to the antiquated methodology instead of spearheading and adopting a new plan to try to overcome an obstacle which could lead to residual benefits for the community as a whole ie. tax revenue, expanding personal liberties and responsibility, freeing up valuable resources to combat more pressing issues, etc. The claim is treated much the same way.
I propose we embrace the issue of the claim. Score the claim. Judges could tax it or reward it. A righteous, emotional, double fisted power claim after a 5 second backside barrel to lip-devastating hack over exposed reef at Teahupo garners an extra .5 points in your score line. That’s an entertaining, crowd pleasing addition to a great wave…GOOD FORM! A half ass, raise-the-roof claim after a foam climb in two foot Sopelana gets a .5 deduction…BAD FORM!
List the claim criteria in the Official ASP Rule Book and add a tool the pros bag. Just a thought…”
@Dave Mailman
I’m a little butt hurt that you say you never agree with me on anything. Are you referring to politics? Must be because I have always felt we held fairly similar views regarding the pro tour and I have quite a bit of respect for your surfing knowledge and unbridaled enthusiasm for the sport.
That being said you are a fucking socialist cunt that licks sponsors ballsacks.
Maggot.
I think a rad claim would be standing in the middle of your board and waving your arms like you’re conducting an orchestra, next time, if ever, i do something good on a surfboard i’m gonna do the conductor claim.
@ Global Cooling. I just watched clips of Dane from Trestles 08 vs. Trestles 09, and after that I definitely stand by my claim. In 08 he went faster, looser, higher and hackier, and he made Mick Fanning look like Florence Henderson. In 09 he made the final with radical-but-not-unbelievable surfing, and then wilted. Like I said, the talent is always there but 08 Dane blew my mind a lot more when he was on.
@Mailman. Thanks for posting that. Please note that I couldnt have stolen the idea because 1) I had never visited insurfnews and 2),it took me almost 20 minutes just to scroll that through without reading it. No way I would have gotten to the last paragraph.
Now I am gonna go have breakfast for dinner.
Dave Mailman smells like incubated platypus cadavers being juggled by a stinkbug with Elephantitis.
Chris Cote smells like liver gravy being poured slowly into the yawning love canal of Oprah Winfrey on the floor of Death Valley during an August afternoon.
Mark,
Sorry man! Didn’t mean to hurt your feelings!
Jamon,
Bon appétit!
Hockey fans,
If the USA loses to Switzerland in the Quarters of Olympic Hockey, it would be like Slater losing to Kieren Perrow at the Superbank at the same point in the competition. Not impossible, but not that result that you’d expect…
Hey Enoch,
Bring back Rottmouth. Way more funny…
Enoch,
Or get some whiskey in ya’. Never too early to hit the bottle…
Come back to bed, we dunno what to do without you
@Enoch Ward@15:49
Oprah’s vajayjay on the floor of Death Valley on a Hot August Afternoon?
That is NASTYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A.I. can stick around by virtue of the waves on tour… Bells, Chopes, J-Bay.. even at 60% of his old self he could pull down 5th or 9ths. And he could probably still make a finals run at Pipe. As for the rest of the venues….. he’ll be lucky to get 17ths everywhere else.. including Snapper. He never did good at Snapper even in his prime. THis will allow him to finish somewhere around where his brother used to reside…. mid to high teens.
Look for Taj to be the surfer of choice on tour this year (a la Parko last year). Which means K10… since he’s always there to punk poor Taj.
Thank the Laird! Slater beat Switzerland in Vancouver! We’re off to the Semis!
@Everyone commenting….
Look at the photo of K9 above Nug’s text. Flawless technique, perfect positioning and follow through and he’s setting up his next square bottom turn. A complete act who was deprived his due last season. I see him fresh and hungry.
As for the legion of Andy worshippers… the dude blitzed a tour during the segue between Kelly and the Coolie kids. Once Kelly gained his footing and ANdy won the title at Pipe, AI’s career was cemented. Mark my words, he will be a non factor by midseason and out of it by Teauhupoo. By the time the tour lingers in Europe too long, Andy Irons will be “over it”. And I can’t blame him at all.
Post Mark, I’ll take your Pabst Blue Ribbon bet and double down a Stella Artois. Dusty has the mad lip game, but connecting Snapper forces the boys to lay off the outside rail coming out of top turns. Owen will flick to the roof and draw unique lines on a backhand that will see no competition unless Bobby wakes up.
The thing is, that first section off the rocks won’t allow full lip assault, so it plays into the hands of the cagey vets.
Fun thing though is that anyone CAN win if they score the right waves.
Taj v Kelly in the last interesting heat until mid July!
Nice schedule Mailman.
Mike has a great point.
What would fan interest consist of in the NFL if they took a break and didn’t play from late September until early November?
I mean come on. Can we please get a little continuity?
And btw I don’t recall the “political situation” in Fiji keeping that Billabong barn from gettin 100 head dips last year. Why does it continue to keep the boys away from a wave that would for sure alter the entire landscape in relation to the world title? Especially for the Goods, Bobby etc. etc.
The gap between Brazil and J-Bay is wider than “Oprah’s love canal” and more boring than a comment from “nealdude” back on Post Surf.
And what’s up with Mundaka still being on the schedule? Does the ASP owe a favor to the townfolk there? It reminds me of that tramp that Obama appointed as the “white house social director” who also happened to be Michelle Obama’s bff. She screwed up and allowed completely unvetted strangers into a private party resulting in a face to face meeting with B.O. and then, when busted, they blamed it on the secret service.
Who makes the freaking schedule? And do the surfers representatives have say in it?
I want my ASP!!!
@Mailman,
Admit it… the bunny ears turned you on a lil’ bit didn’t they? You dastardly lil’ devil you.
*wink, wink – nudge, nudge*
Thanks to Mailman’s link I read InSurfNews for the first time in a few months. I even scrolled through the comments of an article on Chris Gallagher. There, lo and behold, was someone commenting as “Occy’s Underbite.”
I don’t know whether to be flattered or appalled… or flummoxed or flabbergasted. Or, perhaps both.
I feel as though I discovered a son I never knew about. On one hand, I am curious as to what this person is saying. On the other hand, I am curious as to how the doctor botched the abortion.
Hmmmmm.
Occy’s underbite… where did he go?
Yeah Mark, losing Fiji is a disaster. Carrying no momentum through August is another head scratcher. Trestles better deliver and Bells needs to be all time +.
I love the “political instability” of Tavarua… been there several times and I barely saw the country on the ride to and from.
Brody’s last stand rests on a very shakey schedule and he won’t have Perry to blame this time around.
Anyone know who the new head judge is? Mailman?
Didn’t you read the press release Enoch?
The head judge for the first contest is Bob Mc Knight.
Bells will feature Neil Ridgeway as head judge.
Of course, Paul Naude will oversee JBay.
Brazil? They’ll just wing it.
@Mike,
ROFLCOPTRZ!!!11!1!!
I could easily see The Goods, B-Mar, and Freddy P being perennial top 5 players if the tour had 4 left reef/points and no right point/reefs. With Mick, Parko, and Bede scrambling around in their 10th spots. Chopes doesn’t really favor the goofies that much as it’s such a short wave and deep backhand tubes usually get scored higher.
Anyone ever see Freddy P unleash on a good lowers left… he is every bit of Parko, Fanning, Bede etc. on a right point.
@Elwood
Feelin you bro and I love Freddy P. and agree with the “as good as Mick-Bede “when going left analysis but Parko?
You haven’t been this wrong since you said Windansea was only good in summer.
“I would like to announce significant changes for the 2010 tour that will lead us into a new era as a global sports brand!”
“After firing our head judge, we decided that privatization of each event offered unlimited potential so we completely demurred to our corporate sponsors”.
“Secondly, the ASP logo will now feature a thin black pin line surrounding the blue lettering”.
“Third, we decided to skip the southern hemisphere fall and concentrate on backloading a tour with Europe and Soup Bowls”.
“Fourth, we shall have open enrollment fof wildcards for any Pipe regular and seed them directly into the 3rd round”
“As you can see, our vision for a utopian tour has met all the criteria of a true Dream Tour”.
“Hey Bro-ey, will you be running a losers round at Snapper?”, a young “cub” reporter asks…
“Sorry Lewis Samuels, but that decision will not be made until the morning of the event”
“What about the half way point turnover of the top 44?” begs a curious Chris Cote…
“Our mission intention was to create so much ambiguity in our scheduling that no one will really know when the half point is, so any contemplation of your question is pure conjecture at this point”
Bark bark, this is all so confusing, bark bark.
Bark bark, did Jamie burn last years rule book or this years?, bark bark.
Mark’s dog Eddie smells like a loaf of hog intestines being broiled under a soggy blanket with hot buttery furnace blasts from Perry Hatchett’s hairy butthole.
Perry affectionately calls it his “Putz Oven.”
BArk bark, my owner got a lot of praise from yesterday’s comment of the weak, but I think his 16:54 was pure genius…. and he hasn’t been drunk in 3 days!, bark bark.
Sometimes a rookie salesman comes into the car business and, despite his good intentions and work ethic, simply cannot make it. I am not saying that you have to be a good liar to sell cars but, well, you understand what I mean.
In many cases these guys are very good people, good human beings with big hearts but they simply lack that taste for blood. The hunger for the kill. They don’t enjoy the rush of making a huge profit on a deal.
Which brings me to Mike…errrrrr.. Bro-ey Croyle..errr…Marks Dog Eddie.
You see Mike the same principles that eliminate some people from being good car salesmen also disqualify them from being good at commenting on a surf blog as someone other than themselves.
The fact that you REALLY, REALLY SUCK at commenting under an alias does not make you a bad guy. In fact the more I get to know you the more I like you and feel that you are a quality guy.
Just do us all a favor and knock it off because my dog Eddie is fucking embarrased when I read him your comments and that little monster has bitten much bigger and tougher dudes than you.
@ Mark (18:19)
Wasn’t I also the one who claimed you were “witty”??
two-shay (I think).
And Mike it has been 9 days of sobriety with 11 pounds lost.
Just sayin.
So Mark, you’re down to eighteen score and four pounds now?
Congrats!
You must be on the Jared diet!!
Mark is right Mike.
You shouldn’t comment on a surf blog under a false name.
He’s right Mike.
Take his advice Mike.
Knock it off amigo!
Be proud of your true identity Mike.
Don’t be ashamed to say what you really feel.
Good on ya Mark.
Sometimes it’s not easy to give really tough, straight forward advice to a friend but someone needed to say it.
Mike will be grateful eventually.
Knock it off boys… the camera aint rolling yet.
A good friend of mine in P.V. had a serious drinking problem.
All of us Bay Boys had an intervention and, at first, he was pissed.
But you know what? In the long run it made his life worth living again.
Wow, and I thought Bro-ey Croyle was funny….. don’t know if I like this new, sober Mark. But fuck, 9 days??!!!???
Has anyone checked the Pabst Blue Ribbon stock crash this last week?!!!!
its funny.
on the extremely rare occasion when the spotlight shines on mark our friend enoch ward gets a case of poopy diapers and goes silent.
eddie got your tongue enoch?
cant think of any more stink jokes or penis jokes?
must be tough livin alone in a vile studio apartment on the wrong side of the castro district watchin the dishes pile up alongside the bottles of whiskey and dirty syringes.
hows the weather in the city tonight mr ward? i know you like it when the fog rolls in and your nasty trolling missions through the dark alleys behind those gay clubs get easier.
do you beleive your own lies about a succesful career writing for hollywood alongside a good looking wife who makes huge dough and still has time to take care of your imaginary children?
i didn’t think so.
@Maverick,
Really? Is that IT?
Don’t get me wrong. That was a valiant effort in a losing battle. But bitch, puhleeeeese.
Do you hear that sucking sound? That’s the Charybdis-like vacuum of your intellect… the true death knell of our once great nation.
We are not going to fall to terrorism, or be driven to the brink of extinction by some raging, mutant super-virus. Despite Mike’s expert analysis, we are not going to run out of energy, or die from exposure in a new Ice Age ironically created by global warming. America will fall to rot from within – the dark, feculent rott of narcissistic self-entitlement and the dismissive objectification of the other that parasites like you personify.
As I have told people many times over, I have seen Idiocracy about eight times and every time I do, I laugh less and cry more. It’s not the inanity of Maverick’s ideology that’s terrifying: it’s the crushing collective weight of it. Because I know that Maverick is just one figurehead on one prow of one ship in an armada filled to tipping with 30K millionaires ready to poop on the 230 years of honest, hard work of everyone that’s come before him.
But Maverick is wrong about one thing. (Well, one thing in particular.) He doesn’t make me think I’m retarded. He makes me think my brain has been wrongly convicted of some heinous felony – thanks to the back-room manipulations of some soulless corporate bigwig that only wants my brain out of the way so he can screw my brain’s doe-eyed wife – and subsequently be sentenced to Monkey Prison, where toothless monkey guards are willing to look the other way for a pack of Slim Jim’s as a parade of brutish devil-gibbons chain-rape my brain in the Pons until they get bored and switch to beating my brain with a pillow case full of soda cans instead.
And all my brain can do is lie there, fetal, clutching the dog-eared picture of his doe-eyed wife, and pray for the sweet, dark blanket of oblivion.
So no, not the same as retarded at all.
So Mark,
The floor is yours.
Night night.
Well, this small case as just been emphatically closed.
Moving right along.
Is Snapper going to run on opening day or what?
I heard someone was copping my name on some cheesy website run by a knuckle-humping semi-pro surfer???
Whoa, did the wind just turn bitter?
sorry bru. gotta go.
i actually have a REAL family and we are all gathered round the tv arguing over whether to watch the new life of old christine or the lakers-mavs game.
aloha!
Enoch schools the newly dry drunk off his pedestal of thin iced pontification.
Worth the price of admission.
That’s it… an epiphamy… Republicans are dry drunks (GW + Mark) who pontificate moral superiority (conservatism) while earning wealth with a LIBERAL interpretation of ethics as they chastise those who “fail” at grifting. Throw in the obligatory “it’s ok for me, not for you” and the “coveting” of other peoples money and religion doesn’t sound so implausible.
Thanks Mark.
…After hearing the arguments, Mark got fucked. I think. Although he was on a roll.
SMS, Esq.
(Enclosures)
earning wealth?
have you noticed the economy lately? ya gotta slave 60 plus hours a week just to break even and pay the bills bro.
unless you have a business creating WORLD CLASS ART!!!!!!!
take another bong hit and swill another stella flower girl.
and make sure the pastels don’t clash with the off whites. chicks notice crap like that.
Ahh, beating by pillowcase full of soda cans…I love that movie with all my heart:
Horowitz: So…how do ya like it so far? Ya got a name? CAN YOU TALK? Smoke?
My name’s Horowitz, if you don’t feel like talkin right now I understand. But YOU understand, I really don’t want a fuckin’ mute in my cell…I like a little conversation sometimes.
O’brien: …..my names’s obrien.
Horowitz: shit….fuckin’ mick.
scoreboard!
Horowitz: so, what’s the toke?
O’brien: an accident.
Horowitz:yeah, me too. I fire-bombed a bowling alley…killed three people. I was messing with these three girls in the parking lot. Their boyfriends didn’t like it too much, beat the shit outta me. So I went back the next day…totalled the place. Only thing was is I wasted the wrong three people…..well, time to get counted.
Yeah, so, anyway, I have been doing more painstaking research, and there is absolutely no question that Dane 08 was surfing faster, cleaner and more creatively/radically than Dane 09. My theory is it was 50% surf equiment, 50% mental equipment (post injury). But credit to him for improving the consistency, and a slightly-less-mindblowing Dane still makes most of the rest look pretty dull.
And you there, Global Cooling (Mark?)…Andy the best ever? Got to say the nay-no again. At his peak he had almost no weaknesses (at least in his surfing), but a) he has never had creativity, and b) part of being the best is staying the best, at least for awhile. That takes more than just talent.
Truthfully, people, Slater is the greatest there ever was.There is really no argument. Do like your favorite bagel just done… waste three hours on youtube. The guy has been making everyone else look bad for twenty fucking years, in every size and wave-type imaginable. He has won at least one Eddie, and NINE FREAKING TITLES.
And he can win another one, so long as the little hottie stops sapping his manergy. Somebody tell her to take a nice Bagel break…
Feeling left out ….. I picked a bad night to lay off the booze.
slater best ever competitor. andy best style. both hard chargers.
speaking of chargers THANK YOU LADANIAN TOMLINSON!
san diego will always love you brother! good luck wherever you may land!
seems as if 2010 is shaping up to be the year of the dynasty’s…..
Slates
Patriots (with LT)
Lakers
Yanks
Oh almost forgot…
Bama.
@ Mark, Jamon & Co.
Kelly… best ever… not even a debate here.
I think the debate is how does he relate “objectively” against Tiger, Roger, Lance, Fedor, Phelps, or any other dominate individual athlete of our era.
Hey, what about me?
@jamon bagel
a) i am not global cooling but wish that i had thought of the name.
b) with all due respect you are dumber than a medium rare prime rib doused in horseradish ( man that sounds good right now ).
No creativity? WTF!!!! andy was extremely creative.
Not staying the best for awhile? Are you fucking stupid or just tired (12:20 eastern)? he won 3 FUCKING WORLD TITLES you pea brained beakfast sandwich!!!!!
i can’t take this. listening to your logic is like hearing obama explain how a trillion dollar health care bill wont add to the deficit OR raise taxes on the middle class OR make the economy worse OR cause quality to decline.
Jamon you are OUT OF ORDER!!
btw good luck getting a wave at cannons or tunnels bro.
just sayin.
@elwood
roll tide.
gotta go to sleep. crackin it tomorrow.
p.s.
no hard feelings enoch. and don’t worry. i’ll still let you kiss my mom.
I was fishin’ down at the inlet, drinkin’ some ice cold busch one time, and I thought it’d be fun to pleasure my rim with the snout of a live, wriggling snook. I almosst fell off the boat! Man, that was cool. Plus everybody knows Gorkin is the best there ever was.
what a day on nugable!
i feel like i surfed 5 heats on the way to winning the world cup at 12 foot sunset!!!!
(mark gets “chaired” up the beach by mike and jamon as enoch yells to brody carr to get an i.v. ready).
Mark, your argument gets a C- (except the part about the prime rib, which does sound damned good)…
“Andy was extremely creative.” That is called an unsupported statement, not an arugment. It is also an interesting use of the past tense.
Did he change the way people surf? I don’t see it. He did push limits, kill every size of wave, and I already said he had virtually no weaknesses, so I am not knocking the guy. Just saying he aint in the running for best ever.
Andy was world champ for three years, damned straight. He earned those titles. But three years on top, in my book, is not long enough to make you best ever. Unless you done something amazing outside of that. Which he hasn’t.
I might still pull a set wave in K-land, though. I am a stealthy bagel.
Gnight folks. Two feet of fresh today in the land of green license plates. And its still fallin.
If I wath thumwhat drunk – which I aren’t too much of. The higher archy of professional suffering champeens would look something like this:
1. Slater
2. Curren
3. M.R.
4. A.I. & Tom Carroll
5. Hardman & Fanning
An’ awl the ress in thum variousss order.
There is no pawsibull argument otherwise, right mish munneh penneh?
Thanksh.
Yur frend,
E Duhbs,>.
Hamone Bagel,
I saw the weather report today… you folth are fuuuuuuuucccked!!!!
Lols!!!1!!!111111
It spraankled thum rain heaah today. GFone be sunn3 tommarrow.
Gould luck my tainty brakefusth friend.
-E.WWWw>.>.
Sorry guys. Had to bail out on you after the US beat Switzerland in ice hockey. 1:30am over here at that point and way past the Mailman’s usual bedtime.
Just to answer a few of your ASP inquiries…
Firstly, Mike, I already told you that I’m over being the official ASP apologist on nugable.
I don’t like the 2.5 month break between Brazil and J-Bay any more than you guys.
If Fiji is off the tour, it’s not because of political unrest, but because Greenspan, Dubya, and all of Mark’s greedy Republican banker buddies blew the world economy to crap, and none of the surf companies (not even Nike) are interested in reactivating the most expensive stop on tour (for the surfers and the sponsors) in this financial climate. Also, Fiji doesn’t have a very large market for surfwear, whereas every other stop on tour (yes, even Tahiti) does. Not saying that’s a good reason, but it is the reality of the situation. And before you all start saying the ASP should find an extra-industry sponsor to take it over, they just aren’t interested in surfing, much to Bagel’s delight. Be it directly by Brodie, or through multi-millionaire Greville Mitchell’s contacts in London’s top ad/PR agencies pretty much every blue chip out there has been pitched an ASP Tour/Event sponsorship proposal. Their response? Not even a little nibble of interest, let alone a rim job à la SmyrnaJeff’s live wriggling snook…
As for the new “interim” head judge… His name is Richie Porta. He is Australian and has been the women’s head judge for the last 5 years or so. He is a very nice gentleman, so there will be less accusations of dictatorship in the tower, but don’t hold your breath for him to revolutionize the way surfing is scored even with the newly revised criteria.
One thing that is good though, Mark, is that Mundaka is no longer a stop on the Dream Tour. It has been replaced by Peniche. Now, let’s just hope that Supertubes turns on on a more regular basis than Mundaka did.
The Search will not be held at Soup Bowls.
As for the new rating system. Contrary to popular belief, there will be two of them. The WCT rating system to determine the World Champ will be the same as it always has, only counting a surfer’s best 8 out of 10 results in WCT contests only. The revised WQS ratings have changed and will now include a surfer’s WCT results too. These combined “one-world” ratings will determine a surfer’s seeding into all ASP events WCT & WQS combined. At certain (yet to be determined as far as I know) times during the year the faces on the WCT will change to reflect the current seed points of all surfers on both tours. Which basically means more new faces on the WCT throughout the year, and more WCT surfers competing in 6* and 6* Prime events to replace 33rds and 17ths which will be worth less points than top spots in the different WQS 6* and Prime events. Sounds complicated, but most of you geniuses will have figured it out by Brazil, and if you haven’t, then I’ll have 2 and a half months to explain it to you before we finally get to J-Bay…
http://surfinglife.com.au/news/asl-news/3602-notable-quotes-from-the-quik-pro-press-launch
Fanning’s first one is a gem. K9 sheds some light on Rebel Tour rumors…
Dane is a freak and I think your analogy of him being a love child said it best. I think Owen is a good pick, but he is not really a darkhorse. My darkhorse pick is Dusty. Surfs like Bruce and has a competitive drive that would make Koby Bryant flinch. Dane is going to win and Dusty will get an equal 5th.
Looks like Bobby Martinez has much the same opinion of pro surfing and the ASP system as Mike and in some aspects Jamon…
http://espn.go.com/action/surfing/news/story?page=tour-talk-bobby-martinez
Bobby: “I think of it like this: Unless you surf, you’re not going to [care] about surfing. No one cares how many off the lips you do to win a contest. The only people who care are the surfing fans and the die-hard surfers. Other than that, people don’t care. It looks boring unless it’s the Eddie. With an event like that, people can be in awe of the big waves, but they’re not into the number of maneuvers it takes to win at Snapper Rocks. It’s just the fact. I’ve watched surfing with people from where I grew up — people who don’t surf at all. They ask me, “Why does everyone do the same thing?” That’s just what it looks like when people don’t know about surfing and don’t care to know about it. They think this one-tier system will make more people watch surfing, but it’s not going to do anything except confuse people about how the rating system works.”
Parko’s take on the very subjects discussed in this thread. Doesn’t sound like he’s fired up and ready to rumble. A little bit too cruisy an attitude for someone gunning for a World Title. Smoke and mirrors? We shall see…
http://espn.go.com/action/surfing/news/story?page=tour-talk-joel-parkinson
@Davey Mailman
What your argument fails to recognize is the ASP’s failure over 30 years to become independently strong and to feature it’s product in the best light.
During times of false wealth, the organization whored itself to the clothing merchants and watered down their product in the process of giving corporate blow jobs. If Wayne Bartholemew had delivered the ASP from the corporations, the organization could have changed the contest infrastructure in means that would allow THE most visually spectacular human sport the medium it deserves.
Instead, per corporate directive, every aspect of the sport was displayed on the “cheap” while the sales campaign maintained a consummate focus.
But our good friend Dave was finally honest… the tour schedule is only as relevant as the attendant “market” of each venue… ie… adios Fiji.
Hardly the concept that can deliver a “dream tour”, but that was NEVER a genuine trademark. Just another superficial sales pitch.
Now, consider Dave’s insistence that no “extra-sponsor” could be found. Corporate decisions are based occassionally on business potential. Would you consider underwriting a poor telecast in bad waves with magic “judging” that has just one requirement (pimping the slave labor clothing merchant of the day). Fuck no. Amateur hour.
Ok, the economy is down. Republican ideology has been to run up high deficits before exiting office, blame the next administration for the upside down economy and contract the govt when they take over again. Privatization has failed miserably and requires socialization to float it’s popped bubbles. Remember the goal is to make govt so small it can be easily drowned…. except when you need a public bailout. Hiring disciples of Rubin, the Obama admin exercises a hope that circular logic will deliver linear change.
The ASP is no different. But please realize, a down economic market is the BEST time to consolidate market share. The only way to accomplish that is to fine tune your product.
Design the tour as you would a surf trip. Pair down the tour to a manageable two day contest run. Film the contest to feature all scoring waves, woven together in telecasting each round so that the viewer has an investment in the outcomes. Tell the wildcards to fuck themselves or qualify. Deliver a champion. Legitimize or suffer your current fate.
The world will open up to you (ASP) once you respect yourselves. Bite a temporary bullet and radically change the presentation. 5 years from now, you’ll be ESPN prime time ready.
Your welcome Dave and Bro-ey.
That Bobby M. interview was good. First thing I have ever read on ESPN Surf where I didn’t stop after the first graph. He said a lot of the same stuff I said in the Olympics post.
Damn! Nice job fellas. A record breaking day as far as numbers go. More than 2000 page views and 100 plus comments. The waves are a calling.
I know most (all) of you could care less what Ace Buchan thinks about anything, but for another (more positive?) take on changes to and around the tour you can check this link… Worthwhile just for what he says about how guys are being more open-minded about equipment.
http://www.surfline.com/blog/entry.cfm?id=41281
Funny how the only genuine “interviews” that enlighten surfing are conducted in non surfing mediums….
Surfing has lost it’s premise and the big boys smell a loser. Instead of creating a strong, small product with wings, the ASP built a fat turkey.
Ace is bland and publishable on Surfline Dave… Didn’t Lewis label him vanilla pudding?
The commentors sure passed the editors perogative… homogeny courtesy of short compliments to Ace for being so articulate. Oh fuck.
Dug the photo of a superbank disappearing act. There was a reason Kirra was so well regarded in the pre bank days… Snapper was a two turn wonder and greenmount/rainbow were Mal waves. Hope that was file footage.
Tide is dropping, gotta go…
Mike,
Listen. I am now a believer in your gospel. I agree with everything you said above. Unfortunately, as much as we’d like it to, it just isn’t going to happen. Have you noticed that in spite of all the talk about adding 2 independent board members, no announcements have been made about who they might be or what they might bring to the table? Exactly.
All the surfers want is more money. All the event/brand board members want is to maintain the status quo. Nobody (except everyone’s favorite scapegoat, BJ Carr) actually cares about what would be best for the sport. They just care about the bottom line. The surfers and event organizers alike. How much will it cost me to do the events/my company to run the events? What will be my return on that investment (minimum prize money/number of viewers seeing company logo)?
So, like me, you’ll just have to grin and bear it, while trying to enjoy the highs and live with the lows of life on the Dream Tour…
Face it. Surfing is a drug, and everyone that comments here is addicted to it. No matter how much bitching goes on about industry politics, wave quality, event dates/locations, judging criteria, etc. on D-Day you’ll be glued to your computer screen just like the rest of us. At the very least, you’ll log on to check out the heats on demand of Dane, Jordy, Owen, Dusty, Parko, Kelly, Andy, Bobby and maybe even Mick Fanning. Don’t deny it. You know you can’t resist any more than BR/EW can resist making lewd comments about Alana Blanchard, Bruna Schmitz and Lee Ann Curren!
@Mark 0757…
Good ideas, but…
WHY?
Why would any of us want that? Why does no one ever answer that question?
Mashochists.
Fuck you bagel, that’s Mike to you.
When you’re right you’re right Dave, I’ll be watching.
But the toasted, nutritionless dough has one point, glamorizing surfing has failed us rank and file and the pandora’s box of demographics has opened and closed a reality of diminishing resources.
Fuck you bagel, I’m gonna have Prime Rib instead of Jam.
Thanks Mailman for all the insight and inside info.
Bobby’s piece is great.. maybe he’s a Nug reader.
However, in the back of my mind I gotta think getting a one ranking system could help progress things in pro surfing. I’m not saying the ASP is doing this right now to establish a blue print way into the future, but I like where it may take us. Our dream tour all consists of the same things.. fewer surfers (24 max) dropped at the best waves possible for a two, yes 2 (ditto Mike… how many 3 day swells are there around the world and the on again off again contest format kills the momentum for most viewers) day Grand Slam type event that is made for live and interactive viewing around the world.
The harder part with this is how to qualify and rank surfers to get the best 24 or less surfers to compete in this type of event using a bunch of smaller contests around the globe.
that would be mike not mark mr bagel.
trust me. mike is NOT one of my aliases.
Bagel,
The reason we want to get outside money into the sport is to be able to have the kind of Dream Tour that Mike is talking about. The surf industry doesn’t have (or isn’t willing to spend) the kind of cash necessary to pull it off. Fact is, today, a WCT event costs about $2million US to run. To have a tour like the one Mike is suggesting would cost about twice that amount per event. The more last minute things are, and the longer the waiting period is, the more it costs to run. Period. I won’t bore you with the details, but believe me, that is the reality of the situation.
Elwood,
Very good point. I’m not bagging on the “One-World” ranking system. That’s the way it works in golf, tennis, skiing and snowboarding. The big thing is that the surfers themselves, with the exception of the title contenders, don’t want smaller and more exciting, they just want their day in the sun, i.e. a spot on the Dream Tour. The solution is to raise the quality standards of the 6* and Prime events (i.e. increase the budgets to organize them) so that everyone outside the Top 32 cut-off doesn’t feel left out surfing the 2nd-tier events. Once we make it through the end of 2011, I think people will understand the system better and realize that it does make it fairer for up and coming surfers of talent (i.e. not having to slog it out on the Grind for a season or two before getting to surf WCT events), and more exciting for the public (i.e. not having to suffer through Round 1 watching guys like Ricky Basnett or Jihad Khodr who haven’t made it out of that round for the entire season). Nothing against those guys personally of course. Just trying to illustrate my point.
To Mike and Mark, in regards to the inadvertent and totally baseless conflation of their names, both of which contain an M, and K, and an additional vowel..
I offer a complete and utter retraction. The imputation was totally without basis in fact and was in no way fair comment and was motivated purely by malice, and I deeply regret any distress that my comments may have caused you or your family, and I hereby undertake not to repeat any such slander at any time in the future.
Could any surfer ever be this big?
http://www.grindtv.com/snow/blog/13152/shaun+white+on+oprah/
You be the judge…
Maybe K9 will get an invite if he manages to win number 10…
Mailman, you answered something, but not my question. I want to know why any of us want to grow the sport of surfing, when its current level of popularity already diminishes our overall enjoyment due to hyper-competition for finite resources (waves). In other words, Mike’s Dream Tour is a great idea, but what is the cost to us?
It’s as if I said, “Hey if we all put on big red wigs, giant gorillas will want to sodomize us? Why would we want that?”
And then you answered by saying, “It is because we want to make sure that we can get really high-quality big red wigs made of the plushest microfibers.”
Ummm, ok, but…
Breakfast is a concilliatory meal….
Dave, you’re missing the point again… the only reason contests would cost more is because of the attendant circus you have attached to the event. If you could run a mobile event, essentially it would require just a judging staff and film crew… everything else can be handled in a studio in post.
Here’s an idea…. regional CT contests at superior venues, run during expanded swell windows produced directly for TV exposure, not beach presence.
Then take the festival concept your advertisers are so infatuated with and schedule them stoically as WQS 6 Stars…
Sample:
February CT: Santa Cruz
February QS: HB circus 6 star
March CT: Goldie
March QS: Coke in Sydney 6 star
April CT: West Oz
April QS: Bells 6 star
May CT: Tahiti
May QS: Peru 6 Star
June CT: G-land
June QS: Bali 6 star
July CT: J bay
July QS: Durban 6 star
August CT: Lowers
August QS: Puerto Escondido 6 star
Any Corpo that wants a circus (QS) event, must also sponsor a regional CT…. which is essentially like filming a surf video, lean and mean.
You prop up an enlarged QS in your preferred festival format AND you distinguish the elite tour.
Anyone else sick of swamped tides in the mornings?
@ Jamon….
“If we all put on red wings, giant gorilla’s will want to sodomize us”…..
COMMENT OF THE YEAR!
Case closed, point made, will the peanut gallery please exit quietly….
” high quality big red wings made of the plushest micro fibers”….. oh fuck, where is Enoch?
Fucking hilarious….
Bagel,
Not seeing you on this one. I don’t see a correlation between trying to improve pro-surfing and increasing the number of overall surfers.
Surfing is already exploited to the masses by the corps. The fun in the sun with hot chicks and dudes on surfboards already catches America’s fancy for selling casual attire. This has been the case since Gidget. If a pro tour exists and in what form has minimal to no impact on this.
As to why we would want to improve it. I know for me it’s mostly selfish in that it annoys me that surfing’s 2 geeky little brothers have totally outdone them in many ways. Certainly their stars (Hawk, White, Sheckler, etc) make way more money and get way more recognition then Slater. And I don’t think there is any question who is he best athlete among them. Slater should be in the conversation with Tiger and Roger, and right now he’s not in the conversation with anyone.
B-Mar does have a good point about non-surfers not getting or giving a shit about surfing. But this is not the sport itself… it’s how it’s being presented to the public. Surfing can’t ever create the excitement of a 4th quarter drive by Manning or Brady, but it doesn’t have to. People sit around and watch frickin golf for 5 hours on TV, and there is no way golf is more visually exciting than surfing. They have just found a way to present it to the public.
@Jamon-
There’s something to be said fro wearing a big red wig and being sodomized by a gorilla.
You talk about it like it’s a bad thing. Just trying to “spice it up a notch.” The in-depth analysis can get a little boring sometimes.
Oh well…back to slaving.
@elwood@10:12
great comment buddy.
My friend Reed got sodomized by a gorilla at the Orlando Zoo. Except he was wearing a red-man trucker hat. It was a summer flat spell and we were gettin’ our pabst on. He taunted the gorilla and got too close to the cage. That was awesome.
ONE DAY KOHOLE ANDINO WILL RING THE CLOSING BELL ON THE NYSE>>(shaun white did it yesterday with a huge TARGET BEHIND)
@Elwood
I would agree, except most people that tune into golf on TV play golf too. There are TONS of golfers. O’side muni will take you five hours…on a wednesday..every par 3 backed up with like three groups.
Really, Elwood? The goal is to get surfing in front of a mass market audience on ESPN, and that won’t increase participation in the sport? Come on, you don’t really even believe that yourself. Surfing participation has been growing 10-20% per year, consistently. Up the awareness, up the participation. Gidget proved this many decades ago, and every mass market hit results in a spike in the overall number of surfers. Surfwear companies may be stupid, but they aren’t sufficiently stupid to sponsor events that cannot help grow the bottom line. I am sorry Elwood, but your argument is toast.
And Mark you lose points/breakfast for backing such poor logic.
Jamon, you are a naïve but incredibly handsome sandwich. Since no one will give you a satisfactory answer to your question, I am going to provide the information you require. If you wonder who I am, you need look no further than the reflection in the toaster-oven glass. Is it? Yes…yes. Looks just you, but a little darker, a little less…pure. Heh heh heh heh.
Everyone who surfs knows how special the sport is, how hard is to master, and how many so-called elite athletes couldn’t even handle a head-high day at Ehuakai without inhaling salt water. It is natural that we want to be recognized as people who have accomplished something. Why should we continue to marginalized and Spiccoli-d when we have dedicated ourselves to an endeavor that requires strength, courage, agility and grace?
What’s more, we are all human beings, and that means most of us are inherently competitive. We love seeing the very best competing against each other (and conditions) to know objectively who has earned a win or a title. It lets us live vicariously, and gives us a chance to see real athletes receiving real accolades for a job well done.
Plus, if surfing gets more recognition, maybe we will get laid more.
Jamon,
OK. I don’t want any more kooks than there already are in the line-up either. However, I am a die-hard pro surf fan and I do want a better pro tour product. B-Marts is right. Non-surfers don’t understand surfing, and could care less about watching it unless guys are getting worked at Waimea, Teahupo’o or other waves of consequence. Not many of those spots on tour, so not much general public interest in it. If you want to blame something/someone for the exploding surf population, blame the owners of surf schools and surf instructors, the engineers who make neoprene warmer and more flexible, and especially anyone who has ever worked on or acted in a Hollywood production featuring surfing. They are the real culprits.
Elwood,
Obviously, I agree with you about the reasons for increasingly crowded line-ups. However, your reasoning on why golf is more popular than surfing is flawed. It’s more popular, and on mainstream TV because, like tennis, baseball, basketball, soccer, etc. more people participate in it as a sport. There are way more easily accessible golf courses (miniature golf?) in the world than there are surf spots. Matter of fact, all you need is a club, a ball and a little room to figure out how hard it is to play golf. No the same for surfing.
Mike,
Just judges and film crew? The rest in post-prod?
You are tripping!
Try to do an event today without live internet and you will be tarred and feathered before being drawn and quartered!
So it’d be more like this:
TV crew and their material rentals, satellite feeds, internet broadcast crew and techies, judges and scoring system techs and mobile judging tower, tour rep, doctor and EMT crew, event coordinator, press officer, necessary support staff even if reduced, food and hotel rooms booked for a month instead of 10 to 12 days? Not counting the cost to the surfers. And what happens if the conditions for the WCT comp come together at the same time as your proposed WQS comp? What then?
I think you should come hang with me on an event sometime then we’ll talk. Voice of Reality, my ass!
……………I predict out of everyone commenting that MAILMAN has the most to lose if professional surfing flops!!!!( thus with one hand tickling brodie carr’s balls, the other is left to promote the reasons why TARGET is needed)…in hopes of a raise………
……….And Yes I PREDICT TOO in the future that all kooks in the lineup will be a result of the Paskowitz Surf camps……… (sorry but your a joke, the only people that deserve to be at surf comps are the ones competeing, everyone else is either a pro ho , has been, never will, or someone gettin by on their ability to slurp the indusry………………..MORE PEOPLE SHOULD SURF ITS GOOD FOR YOU, THEY JUST SHOULDNT BE FED THE TARGET/ASP YUPPIE VERSION THAT TURNS THE SPORT INTO THE FASHION SHOW THE SLOPES ARE!!!!!>>>>>
Mailman, I think you are a giant horny gorilla. Without marketing, the product does not sell, and the ASP is in the business of marketing surfing and surfers. There is nothing wrong with you making a living from the business of surfing, but the argument that pro surfing WON’T make more people want to surf? That is stale sourdough, DM, and you know it.
Uh, my evil alter bagelo is starting to take over. Watch out people.
Brostrdamus=cumdumpster
I predict brostradamus will suffer asphyxiation by oral over-ingestion of llama gristle in the near future.
OK, Legab! Touché. Pro surfing is one of, but not the ONLY reason that line-ups are getting more crowded….
I predict Trauzersnake is covered by a sock bought at TARGET by his mother……
Brostradamus,
I would love a raise, but I’d do what I do for free if Mike’s Dream Tour was the order of the day. Luckily for me, announcing surf comps is far from my biggest earning venture. More like a decently remunerated, all expenses paid, pastime. But thanks for being so concerned about my livelihood!
And if I tickle Brodie’s balls it’s just because he’s a good friend of mine. He doesn’t pay my wage.
I stuck my pee pee in a toaster oven once.
@ mailiman
Fair enough, but do you really feel surf camps are a reason for the SURFING BOOM???? CMon they are a result,,,,,,Every corporate surfing issue can be blamed on two things: ROXY BIKINIS and BLUE CRUSH……..Ever since compaines realized the real market in surfing sales is the bikini and not the surfboard we have been fuct…………….
And if a golf tourny was broadcast (on the internet only) with the finals on a Wed. morning, how many golfers would watch??
What about the fact that most surfers (and by know means “new” ones) don’t follow the tour at all or on any regular basis. I have many friends and family who are 20+ year surfers who never watch anything to do with the pro tour. They don’t know when it’s on, once it gets going it often stops, the finals are just as often on a Tues morning when many are working without access to computers or snoozing. And if it was presented right (like a golf tourny on a Sunday afternoon) they certainly would love to check it out.
Bottom line, we all know pro surfing might contribute to crowded lineups, but why are we all here? Remember? It started with Power Rankings, and wanting to hear more of one twisted fuck’s take on the pros. Now it has taken on a life of its own.
Every one of us fucking LOVES to watch highest-level surfing and talk about it. If pro surfing didn’t exist we would invent it. If it went away we would be the ones to start a new tour. Even though it might have some negative consequences, pro competition is necessary for the progression of the sport, and we would be bored as fuck without it.
That said, I nominate Mike for president (again) and Mailman for head judge. We will all surf the events, and once everyone sees how hard we are scoring the conditions, the pros will make the jump to the OH FUCK YEAH tour and then we will all be forced to retire and talk about the glory days.
Oh and Enoch don’t bring that pee pee anywhere near this toaster oven.
Ok, Broshakadude, listen. I never said Target should sponsor the world tour. You came up with that yourself. That one’s a moot point anyway since the Board wouldn’t let that one go through. Don’t think Target does much business in Quiksilver,Billabong and Rip Curl boardshorts. Correct me if I’m wrong. Your “Roxy Bikinis and Blue Crush” comment just doesn’t hold water. I was going to write you off much more severely for it, but I’d rather have a real discussion with my favorite foodstuffs… a Bagel and M&Ms.
Mailman, you are so stuck in that petty paradigm that you can’t see the forest from the trees….
Pull your head out, I’m not talking about the circus you currently are a clown for.
And the contests that pull huge demo’s of non surfers are introducing the ideal of surfing to those otherwise clueless. Our breakfast pal has it right.
I won’t hang out with you at a contest… do you know why? Because I will be surfing. Strange thought isn’t it?
The Billabong challenge was basically a camping trip… or a boat trip. Imagine a “Dream Tour” where one boat is anchored just off Macaroni’s and another in the channel at Lances. 4 competitors enter each lineup for one hour and two scores are accumulated. Dual lineups with extended surfing times. Each competitor surfs 2 heats a day( one at each venue), two day contest, maximum point score is 80.
Cost to sponsor? Camps at each venue + boat transfers. Press secretary… are you fucking kidding me? Every scored wave is edited into a half hour format aired on Fuel TV…. Internet be damned. It’s about the ASP marketing THEIR product, not the clothiers pimping a beach presence and internet.
You assess the situation from a position of weakness to the corpo sponsors, that’s why you can’t pull outside help.
As for the QS…. If you were in a better swell window during peak seasons, you reduce the time needed to run a 2 day CT gig and won’t need the month as a waiting period… and if the CT guys don’t make the circus QS event for some odd reason, so fucking what.
Aired on FUEL without 30 mins on what RIP CURL riders are doing around PENICHE………..SOUNDS TO GOOD TO BE TRUE
Dave @13:52
Read yourself dude…. “the board won’t do business with Target because Target doesn’t do business with whore 1, 2 or 3”.
Once again, the clothing merchants are calling the shots. Who is the board? SIMA or the ASP? Why have a board, just acquiesce to whatever Claw,Wooly, Naude or Mc Knight demand?
Reduce the situation to bare necessities and a solution finds itself.
@Lejab Nomaj,
Can you nominate me to be Mike’s Lacky and bitch on the new tour??
Yeah Brostradamus… a clean telecast, no waiting out the sets with inane jibber jabber. One wave after another, Vin Sculley-esque reporting ( low key Chris Mauro), no backstage, bikini shots…. surfing. REally, will anyone miss GT’s interview’s????? Fuck, they miss waves while that gayfuck chats up the last heats winner.
Have you guys ever seen a “coaches” footage of the NFL? You can watch 3 games in one hour! Because of the insufferable sales campaign, current surfing broadcasts barely feature surfing.
Let the surfing be the draw.
Cote should announce.
Tides down… time to surf.
Came home from empty point surf all happy, now I gotta go have my blood pressure checked. Man it was good, go get wet boys, plenty of swell out there.
Sorry for the diatribes Dave, we all know you mean well.
Nomaj,
Count me in on the OFYT idea!
Seriously though, isn’t “surfing” itself to blame for its own popularity and ever growing number of people in the line-up? Think of all the reasons you love surfing and have at one time or another infected someone else with that same spirit. That same passion. You can point the blame in all directions, but you’ll never stop the movement once it’s been set in motion.
You can blame the first man to ever stand tall on a plank of wood (or in a dug-out canoe, or reed raft) and accidentally ride a wave or ocean swell for the explosion of the sport. You can blame the early Polynesian kings. You can blame Duke Kahanamoku and the Beach Boys from Waikiki. You can blame Gidget or Tubesteak, or why not blame Miki Dora or Phil Edwards. Blame Frankie Avalon. Blame the Beach Boys, the Ventures or Dick Dale. Blame Greg Noll, or Pat Curren, or Jock Sutherland or any of the other Haole “pioneers” of the North Shore. Blame Doc Ball or Bruce Brown and Robert August and Mike Hynson. Blame The Surfer magazine. Blame Tom Morey and Mike Doyle. Blame Randy Rarick and Iain Cairns, PT and the Bronzed Aussies in spirit and name. Blame Gerry Lopez. Blame the Banzai Pipeline on NBC’s Wide World of Sports. Blame the Bud Tour and the OP Pro. Blame Kelly on Baywatch. Blame Bob McKnight for turning Quiksilver into ZQK, and blame Gordon and Woolly for going the same way.
I could go on and on, but those of you with half a brain will understand what I’m trying to say. For the rest of you… well, as they say, ignorance is bliss.
Goddamn you Legab! You are nothing but a smoky reflection, and yet you force me to reassess…everything. You are ruining my life. OUY KCUF LEGAB!!!
@Mailman,
That was a nice “blame” list. But there is a higher power that is in control of all of this. And no, shocking as it may be, it is not Alana Blanchard’s hind-quarters.
The blame lies squarely with our Laird and Savior, who is omniscient and omnipotent.
May He have mercy on our souls.
Amen.
Enoch you will be in charge of media relations for the OH FUCK YEAH tour. And the athlete bios. Laird have mercy on us all.
This Nomaj dude sounds a lot like Mark’s evil twin Kram to me.
Maybe Bagel’s drinking already!
As for Mailman’s introspective… put your red wings on buddy, the giant gorilla’s are coming.
For those of us who are interested in it, watching pro surfing is often very exciting. Whenever the clock is winding down and somebody needs a score there’s real drama there – for those wanting the guy to get the score and those who don’t. Remember when Kelly beat Bede in ’08 in the last few minutes? That was real drama when he paddled away from Bede and eventually got a winning wave by boosting an air off his first bottom turn…the legend grows. Everytime Dane is in a heat I’m nervous for him as most of us are.
Mike- for how clever a writer you are, you sure are stupid when it comes to things that matter. Actually this applies to most of you guys here who are socialist in bent. Pathetic lot you are. Any surfer who’s liberal, no doubt stiff legs his cutbacks and dodges the barrel.
Hypocrites! Stop riding boards with foam and resin…find something that’s “green” to ride.
Ah where was I…? Oh yes, so pro surfing should adopt much of what leftist Mike has to say (he is smart about things that don’t matter much) and all will be well with pro surfing.
Mike,
The ASP is run by the Board which is currently made up of 50% surfers and 50% Brand/Event votes. So, yes SIMA does to some extent run the ASP. Until they get around to nominating the 2 independents, it is the Chairman of the Board, not Brodie the CEO, who has the deciding vote. The CoB is loathe to use his vote, so nothing gets done until the Surfer and Event reps can agree on things, which as you so often have pointed out doesn’t happen very often.
Bring on your revolution. Just tell us where to aim the kill shot to break the logjam that currently exists at the top.
Glad you had a good session. I haven’t been in the water in way too long… Maybe you should can take Jamon along the next time you go for a sesh in empty point surf. Sounds like he needs it even more than I do!
Just one thing though about your FUEL argument, and being packaged for TV only in general. Not everyone lives in California, Australia or Portugal and subscribe to the cable service that has FUEL. Action sports distribution on TV worldwide (even in Europe) does not hit that many homes in the grand scheme of things.
Having said that, if you were to post the show directly on-line via the ASP and associated sites you could still hit millions over the net to compensate and do it all in an acceptable 24 hour turn around from the end of the event. But people will still know the results before the show goes to air. Kind of ruins the suspense. So no matter where you go, you have to have a satellite dish and capability to broadcast at least the final, if not the semis and the quarters live.
after reviewing the above post I see an error that needs to be corrected. The part about stiff legged cutbacks doesn’t apply to guys on the tour as I know Kelly is a wacky left wing conspiracy (911 was an inside job!) nut and he certainly excels in all surfing maneuvers including the cutback.
I think somebody left the bagel in the toaster a little too long.
EW,
Shit. You’re right. I forgot to blame Laird Hamilton and Teahupo’o and Jaws and the American Express commercial and his super athletic über-wife whose name I can’t remember…
Mark and each of his aliases have been handed their ass so many times by Mike and others, yet he comes back for more. He and his various commentating ilk remind me of a clumsy trainer slowly slipping into a holding tank filled with hungry killer whales.
What. Too soon?
Am I the only one who thinks Gabriel isn’t hot? Something about 200 pound chicks that makes me uneasy.
Never too soon, E Dub, never too soon…
200 pounds of pure muscle, Mike. I think you’re just afraid of what she’d do with you if she ever got her hands on your ass!
Think your right DM….
i can’t get pumped for gabby either mike.
i swear on an asp rulebook that i am not global cooling. one thing you have to give me credit for is owning up to my aliases.
nug needs a new post. this is gettin moldy.
p.s. had a fun 3 hour late afternoon la jolla session and even snuck into a little barrel. a brief moment of happiness in an otherwise gloomy world.
Come on Smyrna….you tricked me into taking that photo with my butt sticking out against his cage…and you KNEW I was wearing cutoff jean shorts.
FUCK PBR!
Kook.
If I ever see you at Jocko’s, I’ll punch you.
I would like to thank everyone who contributed to the comments thread today. Mailman, Mike, Jamon, Elwood, Cote, Mark, Trauzer, and even Mark’s aliases… you have all made this dy, which was filled with good surf here in the dirge of Southern California, THAT much better.
If the Gold Coast runs tomorrow, it will be an epic day. I don’t plan on getting any shit done for work. The verbal assault will be as relentless as it is unmerciful.
Cheers!
Holy shit. Nice work.
There will be an open thread tomorrow. Tonight I will imbibe fermented beverages, but before I pass out I’ll be sure to write notes on my left hand…things like my name so I remember and most importantly…”In Laird We Trust.”
“Owen is my dark horse pick”. Is that some kind of joke? Owen is a dark horse like Neco is a cockroach.
Nug,
I appreciate your ability to distinguish between satire and racism. Jed’s blundering blabber-froth at Stab is a case-in-point.
Jed never seemd to grasp a very important point of satire… called “humor.”
Verily, it doth come to bite his annoying little ass.
Perhaps it’s a wake-up call to the “try-hardest” crew of psuedo-intellectual comediens that have stormed the surfing Mags and Blogs recently with their faux homo-racial gimmicks. Maybe they just fell a quantum leap short of that which they aspire.
Either way… L to tha muthufuckin’ mfao.
187 on a muthafuckin JED!!!!!!
Go to Target and buy my new collection surf kooks!!!! ( hoodies for everyday life)
“Now surf brands are publicly traded companies. Their goal is profit, just like any other company. So it’s not about surfing – it’s about profiting off surfing. In order to make more profit, these companies have to do one of two things – encourage more people to surf, or encourage existing surfers to buy more products that they don’t need” samuel lewis…………….
@MAILMAN,
I’ve never denied that. When I worked for Quiksilver, my job was to come up with marketing concepts that would be pleasing to core surfer, skaters and snowboarders by respecting the core values of these sports, and be understandable and as interesting as possible to the general public. What’s your point?
“He has so much talent and is so in tune with the ocean, that if he was female the tides might just ebb and flow with his menstrual cycle”
haha brilliant!
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