Why Surfing Really Isn’t an Olympic Sport

22 02 2010

The 2010 Winter Olympics began last Friday in Vancouver, BC, Canada. For two weeks billions of viewers will watch thousands of athletes compete for country, glory and medals. I’m one of them. I admit it. I’ve bought in. I have Olympic fever even if Bob Costas makes me want to kill myself with and SUP paddle. Costas makes the impossible possible. He makes surfing announcers almost tolerable.

I think I’ve completely lost my marbles. On Saturday I was simultaneously watching the WQS 4-star event at Burleigh on my laptop and Olympic curling on television. I hate to admit it but the curling won the majority of my attention. I’m now a verified curling enthusiast. Hell, I might just scrap this site for a curling blog.

Another person with Olympic fever is Reef co-founder and International Surfing Association President Fernando Aguerra. The Argentine has been trying to convince the International Olympic Committee (IOC) to add surfing to the Olympics for more than a decade. In two years London will host the Summer Olympics and surfing will miss the cut again. But it appears few people care—other than Aguerra and those that see dollar signs with its inclusion. No one is more passionate than Aguerra about the subject. You have to give him credit for his persistence. Last year he even got a little face time with IOC President Jacques Rogge. What came out of the meeting was the IOC would consider surfing if artificial waves or wave pools were utilized. With that ludicrous idea they completely lost me.

Proponents of getting surfing into the Olympics have a fairly valid case. Duke Kahanamoku, perhaps the most famous surfer of all time, was a five-time Olympic swimming medalist, including three gold medals. Surfing’s man-against-man-against-nature element seems like a perfect sport for the Games. And snowboarding, a sport that evolved directly from surfing, was included recently. But for non-surfers surfing really isn’t that exciting to watch. Don’t believe me? If you ever need some alone time and you want the wife or girlfriend to leave the room, pop in a surf video. She’ll leave the room faster than greased gorilla sliding down a bobsled track.

Right now Shaun White is possibly the most recognizable and marketable Winter Olympic athlete. He’s everywhere. His burnt sienna locks are searing retinas all over the world. He’s had so much face time on NBC I’m concerned his Geico caveman mug might become permanently burned into my TV screen. But when the IOC included snowboarding in 1998 it wasn’t exactly embraced by snowboarding’s elite with open arms. Arguably the most respected and best snowboarder at the time, Terje Håkonsen, basically told the IOC to go fuck themselves. He wanted no part of it. I suspect surfers have the same attitude. The ASP, which is nearly 30 years old, isn’t exactly a perfect system. Imagine how bad outsiders would screw it up. Wave pools would be just the beginning.

If surfing didn’t gain inclusion during the Sydney Games in 2000 why should we think surfing will ever become an Olympic sport? That was its best shot. It’s like the prom queen was in the limo drunk on cheap champagne, naked and horny and they still couldn’t close the deal. Like they say, he who procrastinates masturbates. And Aguerra has had Olympic blue balls for more than a decade.

Unfortunately it’s all politics theses days. Think about it. The most popular and most televised sports involve teenage or 20-something females in skimpy, tight-fitting outfits. Think about it. Gymnastics. Check. Ice skating. Check. Swimming. Check. I can picture some hick in middle America on his sofa drinking a Budweiser. “God damn,” he would say while polishing his shotgun with his free hand. “I sure do love it when that Dominique girl does the splits.”

If Aguerra and the ISA are truly serious about getting surfing in the Games, I suggest a fresher, bolder approach—one that would guarantee a slot in the Games and massive amounts of network television coverage. Let’s introduce the IOC and the boys at NBC to Alana Blanchard and Bruna Schmitz. Then surfing would be on primetime in no time. Besides, Michael Phelps probably needs a new weed connection, and I’m sure there are a few surfers out there that could hook him up. 

 

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88 responses

22 02 2010
Mike

The reason you hate Bob Costas is because most of the air time is devoted to the segue between actual competition. A race is covered in 20 minutes while the pre requisite, teary, soft focus “bio” on some American who may have a chance in that sport lasts for an hour. Add in commercials and promo’s and you almost have to be the parents of the other competitors to continue watching.

Surfing is similar too often in it’s telecasts. Cote killed it with the V-Pipe, but he had the distinct advantage of constant surfing.

The sooner we all realize that surfing is an expression of freedom and that contests reduce our “athletes” to just manipulated puppets on a string, we can end the debates Nug resurrects above. It’s not going to happen.

Only when the quality of the surfing is the foremost ambition can the sport of surfing be purely displayed. If the ASP can’t figure that out with surfers on board, how will an Olypmic commitee?

“Gabe Kling grew up in the tall grass of seaside Florida, waiting for this moment his entire life”, Bob Costas introduces Mary Carillo’s 30 minute bio of Gabe, Americas best shot at getting through the round of 33 at Cornwall…. hundreds of miles from London. Not going to happen.

During a recent depression, a friend spoke to me…. “Take care of your surfing and your surfing will take care of you”. Advice the ASP may heed if they ever want to eclispe the hole they’ve dug for themselves.

BTW Nug, I’ve used the surf video trick many times… like Pavlov’s dog, every time my ex wife heard Concrete Blond fire up the Occy section surfing ST Leu on PUMP she would head for the exit. I owe Occy a thousand thank you notes.

22 02 2010
Well done

Good to see your off the painkillers NUG and back posting some good shit.

22 02 2010
Mark

I’m tired of commercialism in surfing and listening to the “spin” that is attached to it all to get the average 18 year old lump to hustle on down to SurfRide and drop $60 on a pair of shitty, slave labor trunks that Gordon Merchant paid $4 to make.

I’m also sick of the fucking attitudes that people have in the sport of surfing. You paddle out on a pristine, glistening head high day in San Diego and toss out a “good mornin” to a fellow devotee and in many cases simply receive a stinking glare in return.

Can you name one single sport whose participants exude negativity as much as those in surfing? Not me.

A friend talked me into going to a skateboard contest back in 2006 called the North shore Bowl Jam at the Cholo Bowl at Steves house above Log Cabins. I resisted at first but eventually relented and it turned out to be one of the most incredible experiences of my life.

There were legends everywhere. Danny Way, Christian Hossoi, Chris Miller, Cab etc. etc. were all blazing through the pool with incredible style, fluidity and speed. Newer school blazer Rune Glifberg was fucking RIPPING as well all to a musical backdrop of Ted Nugent and a host of other dogtown era bands booming so loud through the stereo that it must have woken the entire stretch all the way to Sunset.

The audience consisted of Kelly Slater( it made him late for the Pearl Jam-U2 concert), Shane Beschen, Christian Fletcher, John John and bros and many many more.

My point is that you could feel a sense of joy and camaradarie amongst those guys that a typical surfing gig doesn’t have. No vibes, no Pak, no Hui, no Sunset Cliffs grumpy fucking kooks, no westside flea barney stockton ave horseshit that makes people want to quit the sport.

Surfing will never be in the olympics because surfing is a shadow of it’s former self and the average punk aerial ding dong fag flopping around like a spaz at 56th street before going home to his dad’s 4 million dollar home on back bay and gettin breakkie served up by the maid while his mom is gettin a boob job kook has no clue as to the thrill of the glide felt by men like Pete Peterson and Tom Blake at Malibu.

I fucking QUIT!

22 02 2010
F OLympics

Maybe surfing does not need the olympics or the asp or any of the other shit that is not surfing. This is not because of all THE CALIFORNIA REASONS you listed but more the ONCE WE WERE COYOTES response. I could care less that surfing is not an Olympic sport or that the ASP isn’t mainstreamed. The more surfing is mainstreamed the more it will be WHORED out until THE GLIDE you speak of what even be recognizable. Lewis Samuels only legitimate gift to surfers and surfing is this: THE SURF INDUSTRY(OLYMPICS, ASP, WQS, RIP CURL) IS NOT SURFING. SURFING IS SURFING. Now does anyone else really want the OLYMPICS to use surfing to make money????

22 02 2010
m

you are so right! SURFERS can be such dicks. I actually knew a guy who did in fact quit surfing and take up skating for that very reason, he made the point that with skaters they will tell you about sick spots, there is camaraderie amongst them, not so much in surfing. sad.

22 02 2010
trauzersnake

@Mark-

Surfers are dicks.So are people on the freeway.

22 02 2010
smyrajeff

@Mark

F-ing Crawford punched my friend once at Sebastion Inlet back in the seventies.

My buddy quit too and now he just fishes and drinks Old Milwaukee all day.

22 02 2010
Jordy PoP DIVA

OFF TOPIC: Check out surfermag.com, They are reporting that Jordy is the first surfer to record music…….
“Early this year, Jordy Smith and South African musical act Goldfish (you may recognize them from KIA commercial soundtracks) headed into the studio to see what would happen when an international surf star writes lyrics, sings lead vocals, and plays the drums on a track produced and recorded by a rapidly rising musical act.”””

Does joel patterson think all surfers are 15 and we just started surfing last week or is it just me???? AND WHAT IS UP WITH THE DENIM??? DOES ANYONE KNOW>>>>>>

22 02 2010
Enoch Ward

I don’t really have anything to ad. I just wanted to leave a comment so I could see my cool name and avatar here.

Good job, boys.

22 02 2010
Jordy PoP DIVA

Cmon you got a theory about the denim!!

22 02 2010
Mike

@ Mark @9:58….

didn’t know you had it in you, nice comment Mark.

I was in Palm Desert last weekend for work. My client took me to dinner one night and there was a Quiksilver store in the same mall with a sign that boldly read, 75% off!

Now, I hate Quik, but I need trunks so I roll in and find the rack. $65. minus 75%=…. as I was doing the math, a very cute sales chickie informed me that the sale was for the stores inventory…. minus the trunks!

I was outside again in 12 seconds.

22 02 2010
Dave Mailman

Nice work Mike. I haven’t bought a pair of trunks since I stopped using my parents’ credit card at CDM Beach Club back in ’88. There are some advantages to being an industry whore… What size do you wear? I’ve probably got a few extra pairs hanging around somewhere that I can send over.
As for surfing in the Olympics, well, I think you all summed it up pretty well above. Plus, there are no surfer girls nearly as hot as Torah Bright! Nor are there any surfer guys who’ve graced the cover of Rolling Stone. Did I mention that Shaun earns about (give or take) 10 times as much as K9… and he doesn’t even come close to how much Tony Hawk makes. Good thing the IOC hasn’t heard about skateboarding. That would really drive the nail into the coffin of surfing in the Olympics. Pobre Sr. Aguerra!
PS: Good on Terje for giving the IOC the finger. A man who sticks by his principles. Few and far between. Got to love ’em.

22 02 2010
The Nug

No one sends me shit. I’m wearing a pair of Surfer’s Allliance trunks right now. They show off my nice thighs though.

Seriously though. Send me shit. Anyone. I take bribes.

22 02 2010
Enoch Ward

@Jordy Pop Diva,

I thought denim died in the eighties?

Ask Mailman, he knows.

22 02 2010
Mike

K9 is worth more than Quik could (has) ever paid him… like riding Michael Jordan for pennies.

Size 35 Davey…. I have a pair of late 80’s Billy’s that I have a seamstess recreate, hate those coin slot draggers they push on us now.

22 02 2010
Enoch Ward

I’m a size 58 Mailman. And I like purple. What? Holla atchoo playa.

22 02 2010
Mike

Size 58! How can we be sure you are not just another Mark alias….

If it looks like a duck, squawks like a duck…..

22 02 2010
Enoch Ward

@Mike,

I am Kekoa Becalso. My secret identity is out!!

22 02 2010
Enoch Ward

Actually, I thought we were talking about the length of our cocks.

My bad.

Carry on.

22 02 2010
Meatwad

@Mark (09:58:23) :
I have been reading your shit since early postsurf this is your most brilliant post ever. one point though I had videographer friends in s.f. that would never let the cat out of the bag on certain skate spots i spent endless days searching for a mystery school yard and never did find it

22 02 2010
Kite Surfing Guy

@ Nug

I will gladly send you some old copies of Kite Surfing Monthly

22 02 2010
Jordy Pop diva

@enoch,
You fucking genius. He wears denim because its from the 80’s like Kayne West neon clothes in HEARTLESS. He wants to be part of the 80’s revival just the URBAN COWBOY version.(or was that the 70’s)

22 02 2010
Mike

@Meatwad….

Mark has a little trouble keeping secrets… if you had read Post surf, surely you remember the “Bali incident”.

Loose lips sink ships and Mark is a veritable Devil’s Triangle of proprietary information.

22 02 2010
PeterPerfect

Terje Håkonsen is a god. Mike & Mark are different personalities of the same person. Watch Fight Club again.
Enoch Ward is Rottmouth with a sex change. He is a ladyboy.

22 02 2010
Enoch Ward

PeterPerfect is a small, hairless marsupial with candy corn teeth that resides in Tom Cruise’s colon.

And that makes me jealous.

22 02 2010
Kampion,Hynd,Warshaw and Hawk

@Meatwad

Mark used to skate the Los Altos pool with Rick Blackhart back in the seventies.

22 02 2010
Meatwad

you could tell how old school he is when he called Rune Glifberg new school

22 02 2010
Smyrnajeff

Mark once peed in a stall next to Eddie Aikau’s gardner… just sayin….

22 02 2010
Mike

I sucked Rahm Emanuels dick one night at Trader Vicks afetr a democratic fundraiser.

22 02 2010
Rushed Limbo

All you commenters sound retarded… as in fucking liberal kooks who are retarded. Mark is the only salvageable mind on your whole website Nug, the rest are worthless retards.

Fuck Obama, Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid and all you fucking ASP groupies….

God bless Money, American Capitalism and the Right to Life Network,

Rushed Limbo

22 02 2010
Mike

How’d you know about Trader Vic’s Mark? I know you weren’t invited.

22 02 2010
mark

lost number call back

22 02 2010
Nick Carroll

The seeds of a brilliant idea are in Nug’s column. To wit …. SUPs can be in the Olympics!!

Just think, they have paddles so they’re a bit like kayaks or something. The Surf Industry doesn’t care about ’em so there’s no marketing hangups. And I bet they can SUP in Switzerland! All those lakes etc.

The Olympics = SUPs. What a perfect combination.

22 02 2010
Enoch Ward

Mark once swallowed an entire load straight from Bobby Jindal’s throbbing gristle. It tasted like Newt Gingrich’s filthy mudhorn. Mark just shrugged and thanked The Laird that it tasted better than his mom’s meager portions of porridge that she packed in his Tonka lunchbox daily for his lunch at Hooked on Phonics.

22 02 2010
Enoch Ward

If SUP’s were allowed in the Olympics, it would only work if they made the sportsmen paddle through moats filled with inbred alligators and rabid boa constrictors.

And by ‘rabid boa constrictors,’ I would of course be referring to Trazersnake.

But yes, I would watch.

22 02 2010
trauzersnake

…Filthy mudhorn….heheheh.

22 02 2010
Jamon Bagel

Gone for a few days, and catching up on the last two posts/responses)has been the most fun this sandwich has had in at least several hours. Kudos to his honor Siler McShitface, who was beyond regal last night.

And once again, Mark proves he has a soul that occasionally overrides his brain. Nice work Mark.

Might I submit some toaster oven wisdom and suggest that the reason surfing will never make the Olympic is the same reason most surfers are dicks?

It is simple. Waves are limited. As long as there are more surfers than waves, and as long as humans are humans, we are going to squabble, whine, jostle and fight. Those of us who try to share will get frustrated at the cowards who cant, and the assholes will get right to the fight.

This ties right into the core of the discussion, and to the point this hammy pastry will never stop trying to drive home: the less the sport grows, the better for the surfers. Maybe the top guys deserve cash and fame because they are phenomenal athletes (or they are Mick Fanning and know how to not fall off)….but apart from that the growth of surfing benefits no one but the surf industry. I mean, fuck, by the time I got my buns out of San Diego, it had become impossible to score it uncrowded any time, anywhere (with a secret exception or two that I shalt not share with Mark). The joy was mostly gone, because so many had cashed in their tech-bubble success to move south and adopt the lifestyle they had been sold.

Why, in the name of the Laird, would I support anything that sells our passion to more people?

Got to say the nay-no, my damies.

22 02 2010
mark

@Jamon

d-tanks? d-j’s? d-hole? h-shoe?

what you think this is my first rodeo?

c’mon mr bagel. your buns are stale and your meat is infected with e-coli and your eggs are a little runny.

head on back to those icy vermont slopes and put on your red wig so the drunken sorority skanks from b.u. just might fall for your claims of being shaun whites brother shane.

22 02 2010
Jamon Bagel

Jeez Mark, I try to give you compliment and you go and poop your pants. Might be food poisoning…

To answer you question, you have named the obvious ones. Not the least bit secret. So, uh, no, no, no and no. Better get back on that horse.

22 02 2010
Jamon Bagel

But really Mark, think about it. What you experienced that day with skaters…it was possible because that pool wasn’t going anywhere. Everyone was going to get their shot, unlike a clean 6-8 foot day at Pipe. Definitely changes the vibe when you KNOW you are going to get yours…

22 02 2010
Mike

Funny how it took Breakfast to deliver the fuel….

Simpler than that Mr Bagel…. You can pave more pools, ramps, tennis courts or basketball floors. Surfing is limited to existing resources…. and countries go to war over resources.

Territorialism… it’s what’s for lunch.

22 02 2010
mark

@Jamon

sorry for the jab bro. had a rough day and here i am takin it all out on a freaking bagel.

your comments interested me because i thought the exact same thing.

my mom once said that waking up at dawn and goin surfin is kinda like a box of chocolates. you never know what you are going to get.

empty perfection and the barrel of a lifetime? howling south winds that were not part of the forecast? insane crowds with iron fisted thugs ruling supreme? mellow pacifists who insist you get your share?

how the hell can surfing be in the olympics? what if it went flat for 10 days? what do you do when they hold it england and it is 30 mph onshore and shithouse every day?

beauty and the beast baby. it has been so dark in my surfing past that i never thought the glory of dawn would arrive. i practically gave up on the woman over and over again until that one day when i least expected it.

we have all been there. you are driving down the coast and the wind simply dies after everyone else has left. or that one dawn patrol where the usual suspects choose to sleep in and you have v-land alone for an hour and with less than 6 guys for another hour.

surfing is different. surfing is unique. surfing is SPECIAL.

surfing is a snowflake that melts when picked up and handled.

22 02 2010
the Honorable Siler Mcshaftus

The bagel has ebtered a key point. Of course it is all good vibes when everyone can take turns (I.e. Skate ramp, luge run, etc.) His honor will allow the testimony as to why surfers are dicks.

Just one thing hammy…bastardize my name again and you may find yourself under a heat-lamp for an extended period for contempt. Mark…you have quit and renigged-like always…aliases do not cut it…an apple is an apple and a turd is a turd, no matter what you call it.

Ruling stands. Out

SMS, Esq.
(Enclosures)

22 02 2010
Jamon Bagel

Make a note, Nug.

Mark, Mike and the Hammy, agreeing, in perfect harmony.

Clear away all the clutter, we all do share something.

I think I might shed a tear now…

22 02 2010
mark

i object.

and furthermore u aren’t as funny as you used to be.

how do ya like them apples?

22 02 2010
mark

that was meant for b.r. not you jamon.

22 02 2010
Jamon Bagel

Reprimand duly noted, Your Honor. However, I do humbly submit to the Court that that was your correct name on the night in question.

Theory B as to why surfers are dicks: Surfing is so fucking great, almost everything else sucks by comparison. Why spend time developing brains, empathy, or personality when you can be out getting shacked and perfecting your air reverse?

22 02 2010
Mike

Anyone wonder “who” Mc Shaftus is now?

Back away from the booze, Calibammy.

Never seen breakfast sandwiches cry, so it’s tough to get choked up about breakfast meat empathy.

22 02 2010
Enoch Ward

Funny? I take this business as seriously as your mom takes an eclaire.

22 02 2010
mark

that was funny your honor.

and i havent had a beer for 8 days mike. training for a major surf trip in may.

just sayin.

22 02 2010
the Honorable Siler Mcshaftus

You are All out of order! I will have order!….that’s why I’m retiring to my chambers to have a hearty drink, rub one off, and call it anight. Not necessarily in that order. I bid you all g’nite.

SMS, Esq.
(Enclosures)

22 02 2010
trauzersnake

Fuck…..what’d I miss?

23 02 2010
Dave Mailman

Mike! Send me an address and I’ll send you the trunks! O’Neill boardies just like Jordy. Going to have to get a nipple job, and watch out for Nug perving on you at RJs!

23 02 2010
Jamon Bagel

Did I say “shed a tear”? I think I meant “ooze some tomato fluid.” Same difference, really.

23 02 2010
The Nug

Working on another “Ask the Nug.” I have a few good ones already. Email me questions (surfing or non surfing related) with name/alias and city. nugable@gmail.com

23 02 2010
Jamon Bagel

I have a question for you Nug, based on your recent dentistry experience:

Is it safe?

If you don’t understand, click my name.

23 02 2010
Mike

Sorry breakfast sandwich, I can not watch torture.

Did like the one comment though…. ” this is how dentistry will be if the conservatives take over”…

23 02 2010
Dave Mailman

Nug,
Why would any of the omniscient people who comment here want to ask you anything more than that you keep posting interesting or humorous material on a regular and frequent basis? We already know the answers to everything else… Hmmmmmmmm.
DM
PS: Why didn’t you use my Hoyo interview? Sorry, you already answered that one…

23 02 2010
SUPER BREED

Why is jed smith such a FUCKWIT??? Does he thing some dogtown dood makes it ok for him to hate but not the rest of the world?? What is Jeds ADDRESS???

23 02 2010
Jed Smith

How do I overcome being molested by my MUM and Dad???????

23 02 2010
Demon

Surfing is gay… We need more Curling…

23 02 2010
WHats up with AL????

Bobby M/ interview from espn
(talkin about kelly’s boards)

His board experimentation is clearly having an effect on design on and off the Tour. Have you made any changes to your quiver based on his ideas?

Bobby:
He’s only riding fishes because he can’t get a good shortboard. That’s why I left Channel Islands. Like I said though, none of this is affecting me. I’m just going to go out in 2010 and do my best.

23 02 2010
WHats up with AL????

Click for full interview////

23 02 2010
mark

great interview today at stab with skater steve caballero that goes into the same stuff i mentioned on nugable yesterday.

what can i say? im a trendsetter.

23 02 2010
Enoch Ward

PeterPerfect smells like Adam Lambert’s sofa – which is a mixture of rancid salmon, canola sunflower oil, and a Brazilian cabana hut used to store mule taints.

23 02 2010
trauzersnake

Enoch Ward’s farts smell like condoms.

True story. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

23 02 2010
Mike

And how did you come to that conclusion Trauzersnake?

23 02 2010
Enoch Ward

Trauzersnake’s burps smell like Scott Hamilton’s balding and impotent little sperm. Which tastes similar to rusty ice-skates and charred lizard flesh.

23 02 2010
trauzersnake

@EW

Hey dude, leave Scott Hamilton outta this. Dude’s a champ!

23 02 2010
Enoch Ward

It was early. The sun perched just over the Eastern horizon. It was humid, and the breeze brought to my nostrils the scent of a three week old egg-salad fart that was loosed from the corpse of a skunk fetus. I thought to myself, “hmmmm, Lazer® must be nearby.”

23 02 2010
Enoch Ward

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Mark’s breath smells like Chas Smith’s lip balm and rat dandruff.

23 02 2010
Enoch Ward

I almost forgot, Jamon Bagel smells like the curdled menstrual blood of a she-goat that was stricken with hoof-and-mouth disease.

23 02 2010
Enoch Ward

Rust wept from bullet holes in the driver’s door of the Contra Costa Sheriff’s car. Indulgent disdain moved the bristles of my beard. A chill filled the evening air. And with that chill, the smell of boiled opossum liver, raped kittens, and extruded duck bills piqued my senses. I turned, and there was PeterPerfect, staring at me like Pete Townsend in a locker room for eight year old boys.

… forgive me, for I am bored.

23 02 2010
trauzersnake

Shit…I apologize for starting this,guys, I’ll now hang a 16 lb. Dumbell from my cock for 3 hours and 20 minutes. Aww fuck…that’s what I always do anyway.

Carry on 🙂

23 02 2010
Enoch Ward

PeterPerfect surfs on a Conestoga made of ocelot lips and frog foreskins.

He is also gay.

23 02 2010
Enoch Ward

Actually, Jamie O’Brien is not gay. He once had a torrid affair with a bamboo shute on Kauai. He also teaches a course at the local community college called “World Scriptures and Sadistic Face-Sitting.”

So no, he is not gay.

23 02 2010
Enoch Ward

Shit. I meant PeterPerfect is not gay. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge. Saaaayyy no more, say no more. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.

23 02 2010
Mike

Trying to lure Peter Perfect from his rainbow lair, Enoch uses every bait.

You couldn’t explain to people the shit that goes down around Nug’s house, no one would believe you.

Must be a frisco thing….

23 02 2010
Mike

then I scroll to Trauzersnake…. dude, weight and gravity will only stretch that tiny dick of yours pencil thin.

23 02 2010
trauzersnake

@Mike-

Don’t worry dude, I have girth to give. The bigger problem lies in all the holes I put in the walls at the pad. Swingin wrecking-ball.

24 02 2010
Enoch Ward

Mike smells like meat-flavored pickles roasted on a piss-soaked Kingston charcoal briquette that was recently expunged from an epileptic wallaby’s quivering urethra.

And that makes me hungry.

I’ll be back for that that contest at Snappah.

Ya’ll best bringit, yo!

24 02 2010
Enoch Ward

Hey Nugs,

It is probably far too late to submit a question for the ‘Ask Nug’ piece, but I’ve oft pondered the Bruce Irons Oakley add. Yes. The one depicting him with a nude thorax and brandishing a shotgun over the right shoulder.

Look, I get that he’s sponsored by the sunglasses manufacturer and is ‘paid to make the pose.’ But, has there ever been a more potent advertisement for penis enhancement? The ad even depicts his crotch crabs descending the trail of sorrow.

The question is this:

If measurable, would Bruce Iron’s bulbous cock circumference surpass that of his vapid ego?

24 02 2010
mark

sorry but the sophomoric crap dispensed over the last 15 or so comments really diminishes the appeal of nugable.

we all enjoy saying nasty shit once in awhile but this is just stupid.

enoch ward, when on, writes some of the most hilarious stuff i have ever read.

however it seems as if he doesn’t know when to stop.one of the signs of a great comedian or writer is being disciplined enough to know when to shut the fuck up.

take a break ew.

24 02 2010
Mike

Although Mark tires of the insanity, Enoch hits a home run with his Brucey take.

Wow Trauzer, your home must have walls like swiss cheese….

24 02 2010
Enoch Ward

@Mark,

I am truly sorry that you forgot how to scroll properly and were forced, via gunpoint, to read through everything. I’m sure that’s what you told your wife when she caught you viewing Cambodian snuff porn the other day.

Maybe once you get a right-winger in office, you will finally gain that freedom to only read what you want to read.

24 02 2010
Elwood

Wow, missed a lot of good shit while gone…

Nice work Mark on the skater comment. Thought the same many times. The whole idea of how surfing’s geeky little brother grew up to dwarf it is worthy of some more blogs and commentary some day.

One thought on the past and future evolution of surfing: The way almost all non-surfers want to view surfing is the same…. “fun in the sun”… tan hard bodies rolling around in the sand and surf somewhere. It’s the image surfing has stuck in people’s head since the beach blanket bingo days and it aint ever gonna change. The smart corp’s realize this and take advantage of it. Surfing as a spiritual pursuit, extreme sport, and a connection with nature are all things that exists… but most people outside surfing don’t give a shit about them. And surfing/surfers as trendsetters (think our “gangsta” era our “rock star” era, our “caveman” era. etc. etc.) is at best very limited and probably closer to being borderline ra-tarded.

And pro-surfers as legitimate professional athletes… well lets just say we have a lot of work to do. Which leads to a point that nobody has made about Mick Fanning. Regardless of how each of us views his surfing and contributions to the sport… the dude at least represents himself and the sport well.. He can get through an interview and sound reasonably articulate and well spoken. Certainly can’t say this about most of the tour… I cringe when most of these dudes are interviewed…. including some past world champs (Kelly withstanding).

25 02 2010
Kookier than you

Seriously Nug? Before willing to be an olympic sport, Surfer should learn from snowboarding. So what did the olympics for snowboarding?
IOC had the ski federation (FIS) to organize the snowboard olympics back in 1998. Only problem is there was an independant snowboard federation (ISF) that supported snowboarding from when the FIS considered snowboarders with exactly the same respect as the one surfers give to bodyboarders. ISF had a nice world championaship, covering each variation of snowboarding (Alpine, Boardercross, Freestyle) at that time. Problem is the FIS said: “you want to go to the olympics? Then you have to meet the criteria”. Of course criteria means FIS ranking. Before that, absolutely no one cared about that FIS ranking and for that matter, that’s still the case except for the years before the winter olympics.
With that move, they managed to kill the ISF, which was not enough financially safe to afford 97 and 98 without their top riders (guess what? FIS comps were programed the same day as ISF comps).
Terje started the TTR a few years later, but focused on freestyle only. This year the TTR struggles to have the best riders at every comp, and that’s sad. TTR is based on a mix of halfpipe, quarterpipe and SlopeStyle. Slopestyle is what every freestyle snowboarder has been doing on a daily basis for maybe 10 years. Is it in the olympics or even in the FIS? Guess what?…
So what did the olympics brought to snowboarding? Support to an irrelevant federation, killed the most relevant federation there ever was, and prevent the next most relevant organization to expend properly. Add this to the fact that the IOC had the sponsors of every olympic snowboarder to remove the names of their sponsored athletes from their website, and you have a good picture of how the IOC cares for the olympic sports.
Anyone still wants surfing to be part of that?

25 02 2010
Brostradamus

AND THEY STARTED TESTIN FOR WEED!!!

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