Jordy and Me

19 02 2010

Jordy Smith. Photo: Sherman

The new board had been resting against the wall in the corner of my bedroom for almost a week. A long week. One that involved three days of rain, fierce winds and a nasty bout with the flu. But she was lonely. It was time.

Nothing stokes the soul of a surfer quite like the smell of new, unridden polyurethane in the morning. Like Viagra for the toes. And these phalanges were stiffer than a crucifix. I woke up early but the tide was super high. I decided to let the tide drop a bit, have a cup of Joe and watch a little surfing on the computer beforehand. Modern Collective was the call. I took a long sip of Kona and it chased with a bit of Jordy Smith footage.

I abandoned the wait-for-the-tide-to-get-low theory after about 20 minutes, chugged the last bit of Joe and hopped in the car. As I sped past Magnolia Street on my way to the jetty, I saw a few peaks bubbling on the horizon. A clean, west swell was brewing. It looked promising. I knew the jetty was one of the few spots in the area that wouldn’t be swamped out by the high tide.

I pulled into the lot and parked beside a black pick-up truck with an O’Neill sticker on the rear window. A tall, shaggy silhouette emerged from the truck and began putting on his wetsuit. I did the same. Didn’t even need to do the usual pre-surf look-see. I was going out regardless of the conditions. I grabbed a bar of wax from the trunk and looked to my right. The silhouette was now distinguishable. It was Jordy Smith. Jordy fucking Smith. What are the odds? I gave him a quick nod. He nodded back. I tried to avoid looking directly at his nipples. I focused instead on the pure, white board and the bar of wax in my hands. I paused and pondered the sheer randomness of running into Jordy Smith at the local break.

It was time. I walked down to the end of the key. Jordy was already in the lineup. He hacked a meaty, head-high left. I stretched my hammies.

Paddling out was an adventure of its own. The runoff from the rains of days past made the water dirtier than a Barstow gas station bathroom. Debris of all sorts littered the impact zone. My wetsuit acted as the protective liner provided by management. My hands, feet and face had no such luxury.

It was a good session. The new board worked well. A little squirrely, but after the first turn I knew she was a keeper. I surfed for nearly three hours, caught one last righthander, kicked out and headed back to shore. My arms felt a little like worn Volkswagen fanbelts with more than 100,000 miles on them.

On the beach, a condom wrapper rested on the sand alongside a pile of debris. I looked back toward the lineup. Jordy boosted a three-foot alley oop. I turned around and walked slowly to the car. I needed a shower.

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68 responses

19 02 2010
keep it up

You’ll be writing for the catalog SWELL before you know it…………

19 02 2010
J. Peterman

Unfortunatley you won’t be travelling with me to Africa. I’m afraid it’s your urine, Nug. You’ve tested positive for opium. That’s right. White Lotus. Yam-yam. Shanghai Sally.

19 02 2010
Elwood

WTF… mixing it up… why not.

Kinda reminds me of an old. D. Paramenter story late 80’s… that was back way in the day when you could kinda understand what the fuck the dude was talking about.

20 02 2010
dave p

ONCE WE WE WERE COYOTES!!!!

19 02 2010
The original Jimmy Football

3ft. Ally-opp?

I did about a 23footer yesterday on a 6 inch ripple in the bay

19 02 2010
Enoch Ward

The story continues…

The drive home was uneventful, and as I pulled into the trailer park where I reside, the thoughts of that warm shower coupled with the memories of Jordy’s air caused me to flush with lurid anticipation. After dropping my board, suit and towel just inside the door, I made my way towards the bathroom. Quickly, I nuded myself and stepped into the shower. As I swept the curtain closed, I was stopped short by the glorious image of Dane Reynolds.

I glanced at his face, young, clean shaven. His eyes, embarrassed, flicked away from me. So! Was he clocking me? A little burst of adrenalin, and I felt a new crazy thrill, a dangerous flirting game coming on that I couldn’t resist. I would put him to the test. My shower valve had clicked off, automatically, and instead of pressing the button immediately, I let the shower head drip as I spread gel over my skin, steadily down my belly, till my hand reached my manhood, then casually as possible, spread it around my cock and balls.

Quickly, I glanced up at him again. He was staring downwards, to where my hands were moving, his lips parted slightly. Then, just for a fleeting moment, I caught the intense blue of his eyes as he met my gaze, then glanced away, embarrassed. Yes! He was definitely looking. OK, he’s just curious, man-to-man, all men in showers check out each other’s dicks. It’s not a gay or anything.

Dan slowly reached out and…

Damn, I can’t continue this story without vomiting. I need someone gayer than Munga Barry to finish this story for us.

PeterPerfect?

19 02 2010
Enoch Ward

Curse my lack of spelling. Shitballs!

“Dane slowly reached out and…”

19 02 2010
trauzersnake

Bravo EW!!! Funny-ass shit right there. I gotta say I don’t meet the munga barry criteria-but lemme take a stab-

…As dane reached out, I thought it would be funny to soap up my butt-crack and let one fly. We shared a giggle at how loud it was. He looked awaay again, embarrassed. I spun him around swiftly gently swirled my lathered purple helmet around his tight young spinkter-I wanted to be gentle…but with a rush of desire for young Dane, I bent my veiny shaft and….OH GOD!!! SOOO VILE! Damn you Blasphemy Rottmouth!!

19 02 2010
Chas Smith

You guys are giving me an unquenchable erection. Where’s Brody Carr to help me out with this thing?

19 02 2010
THE Lewis Samuels

Perhaps I can be of assistance?

19 02 2010
lazer®

I knew it!!

19 02 2010
Tim Baker

I would continue the story, but I’m busy beating up people who don’t like Mick Fanning.

19 02 2010
Drew Courtney

Man if I ever ran into some elitist smack-talkin surf blogger in a parking lot, I would…

I’d… well… first…uh…

Ah fuck it.

19 02 2010
fidel

not your best effort nug.

sorry but the truth hurts. it seems like you are trying to be some artsy new age writer with this tale but in reality mark did way better in his 6th grade creative writing class.

sack up amigo and get off the pills. burleigh is goin off with mick and occy advancing and andy, sunny and nicky wood getting axed plus snapper starts next week. we need you back on track quick.

19 02 2010
Mike

Wow…

Nug channels Chas while Enoch summons to ghost of Blas. Then Drew Courtney and Tim Baker are aghast at Lewis Samuels offers Chas a hand. Throw in Elwood impressed with a lazer epiphany finished off by Mark missing the point. Trauzer attempts the new edgy (gay) and the anonymous online forum exceeds tsnakes aspiration.

Damn, late again.

19 02 2010
buccaneer

damn andy irons can not do shit in not epic but definetly rippable waves .why am im i not suprisied, because he is so last week and he is a spoiled fucking aloha cunt. come on try at least try to go to comminty college or somethig

19 02 2010
Enoch Ward

@buccaneer,

Did Snapper start early, or are you watching the Chuck E’ Cheese version of the tour? Try not to type your comments whilst groveling in the tub o’ balls next time to save save us all some nausea.

Much grassy ass.

19 02 2010
Enoch Ward

@Mark,

Your sixth grade creative writing class was cancelled after you lost a urinary sword fight with your best friend “Theodore” while the teacher was distracted by his copy of ‘Charlotte’s Web’ falling from the filing cabinet.

Don’t lie to us about the paper you submitted entitled: ‘Fun With My Dick And Shane – And Our Friend, the Herpes Infected Dog Named Spotted Tongue.’

Although a clever title, the teacher eventually rejected it on the grounds that it wasn’t ‘creative’ at all.

No.

In fact, papers submitted as autobiographies were soundly written off as FAILCOPTRZ!!!!11!!1!

Nice try dude.

20 02 2010
Enoch Ward

If you want some good lol’s, read Jake Patterson’s description of Mick Fanning at Stab.

Jake:

“Okay, so Dane was the form surfer of Trestles. How did Mick think he could beat him? It doesn’t even come into his head that he doesn’t have the same aerial ability as Dane. But, Mick did more aerials at Trestles than he did in the previous two years on tour. He knew he had to push himself harder. Bede (Durbidge) did the same. Dude, watch what Dane does to these guys. He makes them put it on the line. It’s fucken epic to watch. Mick knows what he needs to do to win heats and he’ll do exactly that. You see guys doing huge big airs in round one and round two, but Mick saves that for when he needs em. It’s a full strategy. He’s the best I’ve seen at the game ever. He’s better than Kelly. Kelly’s clever, but he’s an entertainer. Kelly will get carried away and sometimes lose focus. Don’t get me wrong, Kelly is amazing at strategy but Mick always has that thing in his head that someone can come back from comboland (requiring two waves and two scores to catch their competitor) and get him. Kelly’s not even thinking that at all. He’ll let someone in a heat and not really mean to and be like, “Oh shit, this could be tricky.” Mick never loses sight of the first place.”

One could spend a lifetime dissecting this nugget.

I just want to see someone post a splice of Mick’s aerials at Trestles next to Dane’s. That alone should be golden. Dear Jake: There is a reason Mick holds out on his ‘aerials.’ He looks like a Zeppelin filled with lead BB’s when he ventures above the safety of the lip.

Then, I would like a montage of all Mick’s off-the-lips, floaters, and cutbacks (we all know this will be a tedious clip that lasts thirty, to maybe forty hours). Seriously. There are narcoleptics all over the world who are dying for this.

Lastly, I would like Jake Patterson to recite the heat at where Kelly came back with two perfect 10’s to beat Bruce at Chopes. Then I would like him to repeat his statement about Mick being better at comebacks during heats.

In conclusion, Jake Patterson’s misinterpreted ultimate point, in the last couple lines is very poignant. It cuts to the crux of the problem with the ASP. As currently constructed, Mick Fanning WILL be your champion for the foreseeable future.

And rightly so. To my knowledge, which is miniscule, Mick has never entered a maneuver during a competition and thought:

“Oh shit, this could be tricky.”

No risk… All reward.

Ladies and gentlemen, your 2010 ASP Champion.

20 02 2010
m

@ fidel

“burleigh is goin off with mick and occy advancing and andy, sunny and nicky wood getting axed plus snapper starts next week.”

fidel you need to get out there and surf. eventually you’ll end up next to one of these guys who surf so well it makes you want to quit.

20 02 2010
PeterPerfect

OK, Enochy Wardmouth, I’ll play along:

Then your mother burst into the den and told you to wake up as you’d be late for the down’s syndrome bus to the sheltered workshop, where you help young men come to terms with their sexuality.

20 02 2010
Mark

@Enoch Ward

Decent points but maybe Jake, as an employee of Quik, was simply trying to get Kelly fired up for 2010.

@M

I don’t understand your jab at Fidel. He was simply pointing out to Nug that there is a star studded QS event happening at Burleigh for the first time in 10 years and maybe Nug should get off the fucking Oxy and post about it. What does that have to do with Fidel going surfing or the fact that those guys surf way better than Fidel or any one of us for that matter?

Go back to County Line “M”. And sack up by using your real name. You are a non entity in the world of internet surf blog commentating.

20 02 2010
Nug

@Mark
I rarely write about the ‘QS. I don’t the write about Olympic Curling either. But shit, I’m kind of getting into curling. After a six pack I’m unbeatable at shuffleboard. I’m thinking of trying out for the US team in 2014.

20 02 2010
smyrnajeff

@Nug

Mark and I used to go bass fishing up at the lake by his mom’s house in Alabama until there was a bit of a conflict during the Bama-Florida game in December. My jaw still hurts to this day. Mark’s mom is TOUGH.

Do you bass fish too Nug?

20 02 2010
The Nug

The 4-Star Burleigh event is live now and I think they’re running all the way through the finals today.

http://www.breakaburleighsurfpro.com.au/live.php

20 02 2010
Enoch Ward

Would you look at that!? Laid in hebbin there done been a miracle in Burleigh.

Owen Wright and Josh Kerr taking down perpetual snooze buttons Fanning and Dayyan Neve? And doing so with the flawless style and grace of Jack the Ripper operating on a dying whore.

I am praying, in sackcloth and ashes, that Laird has sent us an omen of the future for the CT.

Hallelujah!

20 02 2010
brokeback mtn.

Why didnt Nug ask him why he only wears DENIM shirts. Is it because DANE started the trend?? Does he want to be a cowboy?

20 02 2010
Mike

Isn’t the game about winning Enoch? All reward, no risk? Fuck, I have to defend a champ… again. God damn Peter Perfect, talk some sense into this deviant.

Dane lost Trestles by a mile. Scoreboard, groupies. A cool anchor tatt and emergency IV doesn’t earn points against a guy surfing.

I give up, just annoint Dane God, World Champ and Mr Congenialty for all I care.

21 02 2010
The ASP

@Mike,

We love you, and we know you love us. We’ll keep everything just the way you like it, status quo, so Mick can keep on winning. We made a huge mistake today and we want to apologize to you. Did you watch Burleigh?

High performance, entertaining surfing. Who was in the final? Burrow, Wright, Payne, and Kerr. Mick was smoked by those guys. We’ll be sure to rectify this matter shortly, before Snapper.

There, we can assure you that your champ, Mick, will be handsomely rewarded for low risk manouvers that cater to the egos of our shriveling corpses.

Change?

We vote “Hell No”!!

And we appreciate you carrying to torch for us.

21 02 2010
trauzersnake

…We burn the midnight oil-

The fragrance of Afganistan rewards a lonng-days toil…

21 02 2010
Enoch Ward

Mike,

Yet again, you repeat the phrase “scoreboard” as the end of all things. Have you completely missed the point of my rants against Mick Fanning? This isn’t about one heat by Mick Fanning against Dane Reynolds, or any other corporation guised as a pro-surfer. He is simply a symptom of the overall problem with the decaying ASP. He is so very obviously not the root. I harbor no ill will towards him personally. He surfs excellent… according to the ASP rule book. He surfs excellent… according to your… ahem, the ASP’s scoreboard.

I just don’t happen to like the ASP rule book. So sue me.

I want greatness from my champ.

I have said this many times. I have never, ever, EVER witnessed anything approaching greatness by Mick. Obviously, we disagree on the definition of ‘greatness.’

The bottom line is this:

At the end of this season, you will be happy that Mick has won a third title, and I will be sad that the goo-goo-muck continues to strangle the so-called sport of professional surfing.

21 02 2010
Enoch Ward

Damn. I need to go watch another Run Man or …Lost Across America movie to cleanse my pallett.

21 02 2010
trauzersnake

@enoch ward….

There are tons of good things that can cleanse our pallets.

Why do you hate mick fanning so?? Speed,,,speed is the root of all surfing, yea???? I dig his surfing…still keeping the question of “big wave venue” alive….”World champion surfer”,,,and even within the system we all seem to despise? ….slater has acheived whatever shitballs rambling I’m talkin about…sooo.,,mlets see further evolution…(Dane@mavs??)

21 02 2010
trauzersnake

…I aplogize for the unintelligabkle incoherency…the Poop +Sierra =fucktard…out…lates!

21 02 2010
Enoch Ward

@Trauzer,

I think Mick is a good surfer. The term “hater” should be retired from the lexicon of mental fuckeration. He goes fast. But, just like NASCAR, watching someone go fast doing the same motion only excites rednecks, retards, and inexplicably, my friend Mike.

I hear you on seeing Dane tackle a big wave venue or two. Jordy has already tackled big Sunset, so he’s got the leg up in that arena.

And alcohol on a messy Saturday night is nothing to apologize for. We need something to numb the mind with all the shitskullballdickery that’s going on in the real world that Haitians, Middle Easterns, and gub’ment workers in office buildings in Texas inhabit.

Cheers!!

21 02 2010
trauzersnake

@Enoch-

I think that should have been “your friend Mark”…

Cheers mate!!!

21 02 2010
the Honorable Siler McShaftus

The court grows weaery of this so-called blame against the ASP system. Guven the svjectivity, the system, overall works well. 99% of the time- you or I could judge the winner. No escuses @ this poinnt

Peace!

SMS’ esq.
(Ebckosures)

21 02 2010
Mark

Insane surfing at Burleigh!

Dusty was looking good but seemed tired in the final while Taj and Kerr went nuts on those emerald green zippers. Taj was flat out ripping although Kerr would have won if he had landed that one aerial that I am not qualified to describe.

Granger Larsen will be on the C.T. within a year. Not that any of you care but I am pretty sure I provided him with his first board when I bailed Maui in 93′ and sold an old board to my co-worker Rick Larsen.

Bring on Snapper!

21 02 2010
Mike

@Enoch and ASP….

Please Enoch, let’s put this to bed. I AM NOT A FUCKING MICK FANNING “FAN”. The dude just won the tour a second time, in clutch fashion with his signature style of surfing… that the ASP seems inclined to appreciate. I get that Micks a system guy and that “exciting” surfing means occasionally falling while pushing the limits. I fall all the time and swim as means of redemption for my sin.

I DO NOT ROOT for Mick Fanning and I haven’t rooted MIck Fanning.

Taj winning yesterday is more my deal…. the dude needs to blitz this years tour, while he still can. And I’d love to see Kelly roll. If I had a pro surfing “make a wish”, it would be to see Taylor Knox world champ.

But if Mick Fanning wins another contest, I won’t be surprised or content, nor will I assume it was a theft.

If anyone on this website is a thorn in the ASP’s side (or any corporate influence) , it is me. I gave JOB his lighter.

But judging standards or who is Blasphemy’s new “it” guy today mean nothing unless the entire paradigm (ASP) is reversed 180 degrees. It’s that bad. Just like America.

Nuanced incremental changes deliver the same product, in this case Champ Mick Fanning.

And the only thing that will save Brody is pure luck because his new schedule is the biggest roll of the dice in pro surfing history. Sometimes you have to root for the home team to lose so that you can replace management with a conviction of change from the ownership.

And the ASP only owns itself in name…..

21 02 2010
Mike

The six degrees of @Mark…

Didn’t know that Granger Larsen started surfing on a 10’4″ SUP Paddle less that you had so graciously handed down!

Top notch pro surfing intellect, salesman extraordinare, consummate family man, Bowls and V-land heirarchy, all around good guy and now this… Maui’s incubator of ASP talent, Mark gets busy off the car lot…. yeah, Go Mark!

My the honorable Judge Siler Mc Shaftus should hire a secretary to type her comments for her… her typing is atrocious.

21 02 2010
Mark

@Mike

Regarding your comment about rooting for the home team to lose.

That is why Rush wants Obama to fail. So his warped agenda will be derailed even if it means a few more years in the shithouse for us all.

I would gladly go without a little longer as opposed to an all out takover by the federal government.

Ron Paul-Mitt Romney in 2012!!!

21 02 2010
Mark

And it was a 7’6″ Rawson not a 10’4″ SUP.

21 02 2010
Enoch Ward

@Mike,

Fair enough. We’ve been pulling each other’s chains like two curious boys locked inside a well-aged oak barrel full of Twinkies. In other words, a typical Sunday afternoon for Chas Smith and Derek Reilly. I’m willing to leave the horse, beaten as it is, along the side of the road. I’m sure some glue company will come along and put the carcass to good use.

I do hope this season brings forth something special. Taj living up to his potential; a youngster pulling off a first year run like Slater’s; Knox making one last run before his walker and cataracts kick in; Slater winning 10; AI not embarrassing himself… I could go on. But alas, they are competing in a system that’s more broke than Rush Limbaugh’s ear drums and almost as retarded.

Now, I’ll let you handle Mark’s asinine analogy between the ASP and the United States Government since you are much more adept at handling the political arena on this surfing website.

21 02 2010
STAB

CHECK OUT MY NEW ARTICLE SUPER BREED AT THE SITE> ITS A RACIST RANT THAT BILLY MYSTIC HAS FINALLY RESPONDED TOO>>>>dont know JED but i hope to see him one day, THE WILMOTS are great people and dont need any shit from him. Nug please write an article calling him out!!!!(sell to surfline /get paid/shut fuckin ozzies up)

21 02 2010
Enoch Ward

@STAB,

Jed’s attempt to infuse irony into his limited abilities to convey humor = YAWN.

It’s not like he’s reached Rush Limbaugh’s stature, where he’s deliberately trying to match the other far-right screwball corners of the internet such as kkk.com, skinhead.org, or foxnews.com.

Jed’s just an archaic nitwit whose disparate attempts for attention have led him down the rabbit’s asshole to its inevitable end: stardom amongst the surfing literati in Australia.

Just leave them be.

21 02 2010
Mike

@ Enoch… are you inferring that I impose on a surfing website this “Voice of Reality” that can not ignore the current correlation between poor governing bodies ( US and ASP)?

As for Mark, let’s just give him enough rope to hang himself…. again.

21 02 2010
the Honorable Siler McShaftus

@ Mike-

Sometimes his honorableness likes to retire to his chambers, and get into his stash of 25 year old scotch. His honor also likes to let his cock hang out of his robe too, but that’s another animal…hehehe..yes it is an animal…what was I saying???

Secretary…..hmmmmmm…

Dismissed!!!

SMS, Esq.
(Enclosures)

21 02 2010
Mike

@ Mark

Your rationalization for Rush’s comments are treasonous. That’s fundamentally makes the Right so wrong. You are only pro American when it means You as a small group of “conservatives” who worship the Money it will no longer allow you to have.

In crime parlance, that’s called being a Mark.

21 02 2010
lazer®

I enjoy Mick Fanning’s surfing.

21 02 2010
the Honorable Siler McShaftus

Treason….hmmmmmmmm. Mark? Care to start ‘splainin?

SMS, Esq.
(Enclosures)

21 02 2010
mark

fantasy surfer challenge anyone? get your picks in by wed.

21 02 2010
Enoch Ward

I enjoy long walks on the beach, lawn bowling, and whiskey that’s been aged in the direct sunlight for eleven days.

Maybe we should hook up.

21 02 2010
Mike

@NBC Olympic coverage….

Do not FUCKING pimp someone to the point of MISSING THE EVENT.

The “Chris Del Bosco” love fest infiltrated the directors booth and was the first time I have ever seen an event reported and filmed from the 4th Place finishers marketing position.

Who won the gold? Doesn’t matter, Chris Del Bosco got Fourth Place!!!! How about a sentimental profile? Enquiring minds want to know and we can always find out who won tomorrow in the paper.

21 02 2010
trauzersnake

@ Mike-

I agree they kind of pimped him beyond the event…but I gotta say that he did go balls-out for the win (and appeared to have a chance by doing that)but failed. All or naught…and he’s not getting any fucking IV’s cause he’s tired.

21 02 2010
trauzersnake

Damn…this ice skating event reminds me ofBR(and Dane in the shower….Iwwwwwwaah!

21 02 2010
trauzersnake

…Oh my God! That chick’s insane!! I’m goin’ batin’!!

21 02 2010
The Nug

@Mark et al

The Fantasy Surfer site says trading won’t be open until Thursday the 25th. Should I start a Nugable clubhouse so we can battle each other and talk shit?

21 02 2010
trauzersnake

I pick Mick Fanning.

21 02 2010
trauzersnake

And I would take Enoch Ward on my boat trip…but I’m afraid I’d wake up to somebody drawing hearts on my back with their wet tip….

21 02 2010
Enoch Ward

Now woodya loooka heeyah. Jed just done pulled his own piece about the Negro’s infiltrating another “Aryan” sport. Read that sheeeit again, you filthy mu’fuckin’ hipster swillers of the cotton gin. Surfing, according to Jed, is an ‘Aryan’ sport. Dazzniggulum!! That am some mighty funny kine, massah.

Less jess overlook the hunduhds of years that Pacific Islanders were inventing yo ‘sport’, and the advancement of yo’ sport by many of the small countries in Central and South America. Sine yo’ pitty on tha runny kine!!

And in yo classic mannah, instead of facing his farcical tirades like a bonafide man, he just deletes them like a fascist vermin he really is.

U Reap wut U Sow (at least, I think that’s how Jamie O’ would type it… forgive me, I don’t speak Twit.)

21 02 2010
Enoch Ward

@Trauzer,

I would sine my pity on yo’ runny kine.

Wah-dah tah, my damie.

Sincerely,

Enoch ‘Dirtee Dee’ Ward

21 02 2010
Taintsmuggle Von Colonpierce

You know, I have read all of Lazer’s® comments for the past two and a half years, and now that he says he enjoys Mick Fanning’s surfing, I can finally understand where he’s coming from.

I can seeee tha liiiight, as they say in Jamaica-mon.

Dude, I hope your grandchildren can afford the hospice care they’re providing you with in this trampled economy.

21 02 2010
Arthur Assgüt Penilschmere

The anticipation for the start of the 2010 tour is palpable in the preparatory glands beneath my arms. And you know what? This here blog will field the best and brightest commentary, bar none. Prepare for war, gentlemen. And by ‘war’, we would of course mean mirth, trash talk, and incisive wit by a few commentators with trigger fingers, acidic hearts, and dripping dicks.

We shalt hithertothereforethence be called ‘The Neophytes of the Clowned Fable.’

Or something way cooler.

The Hälls of Valhälla be praised!!

22 02 2010
Lance Bellows Wadsworth

I would advise that PeterPerfect, like Laser (cool R sign that I can’t make) begin preparing their material now. I wouldn’t want you floundering in the seas of one-liner redundancy… and we know you are packing HEAT baybee.

22 02 2010
PeterPerfect

Dear Lance Bellows Wadsworth, Arthur Assgüt Penilschmere, Enoch Ward and all brothers of the Aryan surfing community,
Perhaps the most amusing thing is that the man with the skillset to pull off a world championship in these turbulent times is not only an old man, and a bald one with bad skin, but a Syrian not an Aryan.
The judges will regret making ‘the fastest Aryan surfer’ the champ last year and will underscore him, besides, I’ve seen more flair an unpredictability on a car assembly line. Parko will be seen as ‘too smooth’ with all the new skool moves of the newbies – of whom none will win the title and while Taj has the moves he just doesn’t have the overall style. Jordy is still not the complete package (watch him at Snapper) and Dane is too busy waving polaroids around and developing the last roll of Super 8 film stock int the world. Mr Irons will get off to a bad start at Snapper (unless it’s 10ft ‘Kirra’) and fall into depression and a vat of Häagen-Dazs laced with cocaine.

Taylor Knox? Lady Gaga has more chance of winning the title, except in an attempt to make surfing more mainstream, she is elected head judge after Chopes.

22 02 2010
Mike

Wow, Enoch goes on a tear and a perfect Peter closes the bar.

22 02 2010
PeterPerfect

Damn typos, gotta use Word more often…

22 02 2010
PeterPerfect

Josh Kerr is not only good at airs, he has a flair for backhanded compliments, says Taj “played the perfect veteran act” LOL.

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