The Top Fucking 5© 2010 WCT Rookies

5 02 2010

Dusty Payne is the first Maui surfer on the WCT. Photo: Childs

Winning the WQS is like being the best a plumber in the world. I guess it’s something to be proud of, but no one really cares. That being said, Daniel Ross won the WQS in 2009. But I can’t include Dan “The Plumber” in The Top Fucking 5© because he’s not really a rookie. This is his second attempt after a one-and-done 2008. With the new one-tier format starting next year he’s the penultimate WQS champ. Let’s look at the cream of the WQS crop.

5) Patrick Gudauskas
Pat narrowly missed the cut last year and his motivation propelled him into second place in the WQS ratings. His rodeo clown in the Maldives got a ton of press. Then all three Guduaski (I’m assuming the plural version is akin to Cacti) surfed the same heat at Sunset last month. Even Octomom was envious. This is what I wrote about the Gudauskas brothers a few months ago. “The Gudauskas brothers are everywhere. Just now I went to the fridge to grab a beer and one of them was parked right beside the hardened butter and eggs. The little fucker had his wetsuit on too. They are multiplying I tell you. On the seventh day God got so tired of producing the little miracles of joy that the Gudauski are, he needed to take a day off, kick off his Reef sandals and decompress.” Prepare to see more of them. Pat is part of the San Clemente trio that qualified for the WCT this year. Pat and Tanner Gudauskas, along with Nate Yeomans, might not be Athos, Porthos, and Aramis but the “all for one, one for all” credo might just give them a boost for their maiden Dream Tour voyage.

4) Matt Wilkinson
The Aussie goofyfoot told Stab Magazine earlier this year he had the ASP judges figured out and it looks like he was right. “They will give you a seven for one air reverse,” he said. “I thought, surely I can do two air reverses in 15 waves. Two sevens in a heat is all you need to beat someone who does backhand or forehand reos all contest. You’d have to be retarded to fail to do two air reverses in 15 waves.” Matt has reverses wired but he’s going to have to mix it up to compete with the elite. He can go either way, He might blow up or he might struggle. If he puts together a good showing at Snapper and Bells he just might be a darkhorse candidate for Rookie of the Year.

3) Brett Simpson
Brett comes from a long line of talented Huntington Beach surfers that seem to fizzle out like candle at the Playboy mansion’s grotto on fat girl night. When they hit the world stage something happens. Most don’t even make it this far. Brett peaked at the US Open last year. Speaking of HB, last week the Huntington Beach City Council introduced a measure aimed to outlaw beer pong. I’m serious. But Simpo is part of the new Huntington…clean cut, progressive. But I’m a sucker for the seedy side. The side that would charge 15-foot Pipe and Chopes then down a few Hinanos in the channel between heats. It might take a few years, but he’ll find his rhythm and embrace the dark side of Surf City.

2) Dusty Payne
What’s this? A Volcom surfer on the WCT? Seeing more than two Volcom surfers on tour is like seeing more than two Indians together off the reservation. It never happens. Except Indian casinos. The 21-year-old from Maui replaced fellow Volcom Stoner Bruce Irons and qualified for the ’CT on his on his first attempt. He just might be the best of the lot and if you’re going to gamble on Rookie of the Year, he’d be a solid bet. With the new, one-tier ranking system even Dusty is in the dark. “Guys on the tour have no idea how it works,” he said during the Volcom Pipeline Pro. I predict Dusty will make the cut and finish in the high teens this year. However, the over/under on the amount of times web announcers utter the phrase “Maui Wowie” is exactly 420.

1) Owen Wright
Editor’s Note: I asked the infamous Enoch Ward (AKA Blasphemy Rottmouth, AKA Ol’ Dirty Bastard, AKA ♂ ) to tackle Owen’s segment.
Dear Owen Wright,
I congratulate you on being the only surfer on earth that prays each night to his Laird and Savior for ALL of his heats to be against Kelly Slater. Luckily you never pearl because your nose acts as a tri-pod anytime your thorax bends in excess of 13 degrees forward. I don’t mean to poke fun at something only the Good Laird or an inebriated plastic surgeon in Tijuana can fix… but good god man! That nose would cause a continually-lying proboscis monkey named Pinocchio to blush with envy. I halfway expect there to be 74 smaller noses in your left nostril alone. Do your boogers come with training wheels on them? If Larry King grew his frosted tips out, shed his glasses, and donned a Rip Curl rubber, then you’ve found your stunt double for Kai Neville’s next rumored project: ‘Modern Colonoscopy II: Bare-Back Mountin’ with Dion Agius and some of his Special Friends.’ In summary, keep the sacred words of Alfredo Villas-Boas near and dear to your heart as you paddle out for your first heat at Snapper: “On my surfboard I am grounded like cement on my feet.” Peace and good tidings.

Always and forever,
Enoch Ward

Rookie of the year favorite Owen Wright. Photo: ASP/Warbrick

Advertisements

Actions

Information

50 responses

5 02 2010
lazer®

Blasphemy Rottmouth is Enoch Ward? Didn’t that name come from those Douglas Preston/Lincoln Child books?

5 02 2010
Enoch Ward

Rottmouth is a blasphemous name that is poisonous even in dreams. We dare not utter that abominable name again. From the depths of an ancient ocean it was summoned – and to the depths of the darkest sea it doth now rest in damnation.

Selah.

5 02 2010
Enoch Ward

One of my favorite movies was ‘The Big Gudauski.’

I think the big one is Dane, right?

5 02 2010
The Nug

“I told those fucks down at the league office a thousand times that I don’t roll on Shabbos!”

5 02 2010
lazer®

I have a hard time believing you are who you claim, somehow.

5 02 2010
Enoch Ward

I am he that hath a name above all names. I extinguished all my alter-ego nonsense in favor of the one true name I shalt henceforth be called. BR died on the cold January evening of the 26th. Laird rest his prolific, dark soul.

But the larger question is: Are youuuuu the saaaaaame Lazer® from PostSurf? I am raising my right eyebrow, while simultaneously furrowing my left brow and scowling.

5 02 2010
Mark

December of 2008. I had just left the water after nearly drowning at 8 to 10 foot Haleiwa and was sitting on one of those cement tables gasping for air and wishing I was home in Bama with my mom.

I looked to my right and the Volcom team van came screeching into the dirt lot next to the harbor as chickens and ice heads scattered.

Out popped Kaiborg, Dean Morrison, a couple of people I didn’t recognize and Dusty Payne.

The next hour or so I watched Dusty Payne absolutely destroy about ten huge, current riddled beasts before coming in and headin to lunch in Haleiwa town. I asked him how it was. He said it was kind of fun but he was looking forward to surfing Pipe later.

I went home a drank a 6 pack and watched football the rest of the day.

5 02 2010
Elwood

In an attempt to carry some of the fervor forward from the previous Post:

If the ASP (or someone else) held a contest at perfect 6′ Macca’s what happens?? A wave that allows for the perfect combination of power surfing, progression, and some tube riding. Minimal differential in quality of each wave, plenty of waves to catch negating tactics, and opportunity for barrel riding but that alone can’t win a heat…

Who do you put your money on? How would the new crew listed above do?, How would the Mod.Col. crew do?

Somehow I don’t see a Mick-Kelly-Bede-Taj semi final.

5 02 2010
Squirrel

Dane easy

5 02 2010
logoleaver

@nug
Isn’t there a rumor of “ The Search” heading to Macca’s this year????

5 02 2010
Mike

Wow, that’s rich imagery… a gratuitous Enoch accepts his third person honor as prolific. Go towards the light, the end is near….. though Owen Wrights intro was vintage… here, here.

It’s hard to say what will happen with the new format Nug, I don’t understand it though I can’t say that I tried. If it were like last seasons format….

The Gadauskas triplets make Gabe Kling look like a beacon of personality. One and dones, as many times as they try.

Something about Orange County doesn’t translate globally. Simpson is just the next up to bat following a list of “legends” that called the pier home. Minus San Clemente, the most self congratulatory county on earth has produced only Ritchie Collins.

Matt Wilkinson reads like this years Rod Kerr.

Owen Wright is as ready as anyone to make an immediate impact.

As for 6 foot Macca’s… you’re absolutely right Elwood, Kelly, Mick, Bede and Taj would be the favorites!

Modern Collectives…. Dane could crack the quarters. Dion? Out because they wouldn’t hold the heat in blown out shit. Jordy might, but he’s got some old school in him… comes from surfing good waves often. Yadin? Nope.

Now put that brazzo grom in there and all bets are off, that kids a freak.

5 02 2010
Mike

My bad, Dusty Payne will blow up.

Logoleaver…. too late in the season for Macca’s and they’d have to traverse the globe to get there. I’m thinking Madiera, Canaries or Morocco, but what do I know.

Mark, funny story… that place is a workout, but come clean…. ONLY a six pack?

5 02 2010
The Nug

They already annouced The Search contest will be in the Caribbean. Barbardos, but most likely Puerto Rico.

5 02 2010
SmyrnaJeff

Search will be in the Carribean this year. Old news already.

5 02 2010
Mike

Sideshore Soup Bowls…. now that’s a new school win, tailor made.

6 02 2010
ButSeriouslyNow...

Don’t care if it’s The ( 9x ) Champs “favorite wave” as he’s called it, sideshore Soups simply sux.
No chance they are considering that Caribbean washing machine for a CT event.
Plus they can’t expose and ruin a new break by holding it there …

5 02 2010
Enoch Ward

@Mike,

How dare you! I am a humble fucker of pygmy tortoise husks. I used the word “prolific” somewhat facetiously – in that I have a tendency type before I think. Thus, the high quantities of comments by my rotten mouth at certain times. And by ‘certain,’ I would of course mean slightly to heavily inebriated.

Cheers!

5 02 2010
Mike

inebriated…. a way to pass the day, I guess. I was inspired by logo leader to wake and bake two naps into dusk. Then, a short walk with the puppy and the fridge is full of Stella’s, another miracle. Let Super Bowl Weekend Begin!!!!!!!!

Colts 31, Saints 28….

5 02 2010
Jamon Bagel

Man I missed that last discussion. Somehow my comment didn’t get posted. Would have fit right in.

Basically telling Trauz that he must not under any circumstances use the Fanning slipper to open my Sierra Nevada. Even though that slipper can rip the top off three bottles with predictable speed and precision…

5 02 2010
Jamon Bagel

When Dane is on, no one puts together speed, power, airs and most of all creativity/unpredictability like he does. Not enough overall flow or psychic solidity to be an all-time great, but shit, the guy kills it deader than a chicken-fried catfish on toast.

Caribbean? Really? Thats gotta either be the crapshoot of all crapshoots, or Soupbowls. Either way you gotta wonder…

5 02 2010
Enoch Ward

The Search: Caribbean sounds as predictable as Mark’s mother’s nethers being naturally lubed for a little of the ol’ in-ou in-out.

Ehhhh…

I’m taking the under on this one.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go vomit in a small plastic bag.

5 02 2010
Elwood

For the 6′ perfect Macca’s I call the final 4 to be Slates, Freddy P., one of the Goods, and either Dane/Jordy. All could consistently drop 9’s without relying on the barrel.

Mike…. Toss–Toss… again nice point about the O.C. I actually thought that Timmy Reyes had a chance to be a player… that is if he had a more wicked tail whip via his back foot. Re: Simpo…. he needs to gain 15-20 lbs of solid muscle mass to have any chance… follow Adriano’s model.

And with regards to Fanning… Mike’s got it nailed. He’s above Hardman and Co. for sure. He should end is career with 2.5 titles.. . the same as Carroll (for those of us around long enough to remember). Would be hard to swallow Fanning having the same no. of titles as Curren and A.I.

5 02 2010
Mark

Dusty, with a bit of polish, could have that same A.I. frontside snap-hook-gouge thing goin on the many perfect rights on tour, topped off with a well timed Mod Coll blast when appropriate.

Hopefully Andy himself comes out of the gate fit and ready for battle. Losing 15 pounds between Pipe and Snapper could turn Andy into a threat. If he looks the same as during the contests he surfed as a wildcard in 09 it could be a let down.

Go Andy! You are a CHAMPION!

5 02 2010
Phillip B. Huster

Elwood,

The sage old question: to revere the 4-6 tight cutbacks and roundhouses vs. the top-turn to rodeo combo. We all know which is harder. But some think that milking every inch of a wave is worth more than completing one or two difficult maneuvers. Some get riled up when surfers “waste a wave” when failing to complete a difficult attempt. Poppycock!! These same statist Luddites were complaining when Louis Pasteur kept coming up just THIS short of his miraculous cures for numerous diseases. When he finally cured cancer, where were all those vocal fogies? Yeah. That’s what I thought.

Think of it this way:

A grom drops in and rips the lip, sets up another bottom turn before nailing a massive aerial or ridiculous fins-free pivoting a critical portion of the wave, lands, resets, and then bogs on bit of chop towards the inside. Everyone else in the lineup is awestruck with the aerial, and now feels the pressure to up the ante.

Fair enough.

Then, veteran surfer drops in on a similar wave, and does five bottom turn to OTL combos from the outside to the sand. Beautiful carves… carves that may even give Carroll’s snap at Pipe or a Chris Brown’s wrap-arounds at Trestles a run for their money.

The ASP rule book demands that the judges reward the vet. Why? That person supposedly surfed the wave to its ‘full’ potential. Heh heh.

Aye. Therein lies the rub. What does it truly mean to surf a wave to its full potential?

And most importantly, how does that exactly reward their supposed goal of crowning the best surfer on the planet?

I guess the ultimate thought is this: Does the ASP want to find and reward the best surfer on the planet? Seriously. Does anyone with a functioning post-primordial soup brain think Mick Fanning is the best surfer on the planet?

No.

The ASP is looking to feed their own egos by fellating the person who best follows their own set of archaic and narcissistic rules.

In essence, Mike is right. The ASP, as currently constructed is fucked harder than Mark’s mother at a grey whale lingerie convention in San Francisco.

6 02 2010
Enoch Ward

@Mike / Laser

I can’t sleep. I just slipped an Ambien so I should be good to go in a minute or two.

However, the question I have never heard answered on any bog… what has Mick Fanning contributed to the evolution of surfing? And I do mean evolution in the strictest Darwinian form. Laser®? Mike? Tim ‘please don’t punch me out’ Baker?

C’mon guys. This is your chance. Bring it. Defend the Lightening!!

Answer the question!!

I really hope someone will come to this poor lad’s defense at some point. But for the last two years, no one has answered that stoopid question. They all just press the snooze button and accept their fate.

Like stooges.

Zzzzzzzz…

6 02 2010
Demon

@ Enoch Good point… Best thing MF has going for him is Eugene… Everyone keeps Mick around with hopes that Eug will make a showing.

6 02 2010
Enoch Ward

I propose to strike the phrase “like stooges” from the previous paragraph.

Alcohol is a mighty fine elixir, and a damned mistress all at once.

R, somthing.

G’night.

6 02 2010
Mike

Your argument has profoundly changed my observation Enoch Ward…

Mick Fanning sucks. Too technically sound, too fast for slow drunks to see the precision and can surf more than one heat without emergency IV treatments. So “prolific” he seems boring with the heart of a winner despite being so obviously untalented. Won tours with both Kelly and Andy in attendance and virtually stole this last title with a stretch run that had no margin for error. The guy is an overscored clown….

Thanks for the conversion, EW,
Mike the stooge.

Can I at least be Moe?

6 02 2010
6 02 2010
Black in Back

Sara impalin looked so hot tonight. Black is the new black.

7 02 2010
Dave Mailman

Watch me get harshed for this one… First comment in ages, and it is to answer the question what has Fanning brought to the table? You all answer it every time you talk about him. SPEED. Pure, unadulterated VELOCITY down the line. Nothing else, but isn’t being the fastest surfer in the history of the sport worth something? Maybe not 2 world titles, but something? He is also a class act, and we could do well worse than having Mick sporting the title of ASP World Champion… Having said all that, I hope Dane or Dusty eclipse K9’s record and take out 10.
By the way, I’ve missed you all… even if only Nug has missed me!

7 02 2010
Mark

@Mailman

Dane or Dusty winning 10 world titles?

This guy is an imposter. The real Mailman would never say something that stupid.

7 02 2010
PeterPerfect

Enoch Ward is recycling his old material. He’s the surfing commentary equivalent of the final season of Seinfeld.

7 02 2010
Twat Girdle

Well, we certainly have enjoyed the consistent A game you’ve always brought to the table PeterPerfect.

Stunning work, as always.

7 02 2010
Mike

Anyone notice how our good friend Dave Mailman disappeared after the new CT schedule was announced? Tired of being Brodie’s “Scott Mc Clelland”, apologist Dave went into hiding when he realized there would be no way to spin three months off between sloppy Bells and Jbay.

Nice to have you back Davo.

And no one will ever catch Kelly unless that Brazzo kid qualifies this year. Dane and Dusty?…. they don’t even want it.

7 02 2010
Elwood

Mailman…. I missed ya too. And nice comment on Eugene.

Isn’t betting against Peyton in the super bowl kinda like betting against Slater at Pipe? Could Brees be football’s version of A.I.?… I hope so, but I wouldn’t put a lot of $$ on it.

7 02 2010
Gordon

The ASP is an old wet dog. They have a wet dog as their champ. There are old dogs in here defending their champion. You all should pack up your long boards, your stuck in the mud conservative minds, and head out to Swamis.

Let’s put the old dog out of its misery and get a tour that moves everyone inot the new decade we just started.

It’s time to lead. Not follow.

7 02 2010
Fidel

Gordon is Mike.

7 02 2010
Gordon

Fidel,

How could I be Mike? Mike is the biggest fan of the ASP’s current wet-dog champion. He’s practically in love with Mick Fanning. Why he dogs the ASP all the time, I don’t know. Mick is the ultimate company man.

7 02 2010
the Honorable Siler McShaftus

Who dat!! Yeah Saints. And hats off to Drew Brees, what a class-act. The chargers NEVER should have released him.

7 02 2010
d ferlickson

mick fanning is awesome. he’s like the bush administration. just good enough to lull the required number of gullible numbskulls into his conservative agenda, but before you know it, he’s won two titles and before you can say “oh shit, this isn’t the way we want things to PROGRESS, he’s entrenched in the politio-ASP system for the long haul.

impeach the fucker!!

7 02 2010
Morris Nelson

^^ d ferlickson must be Mark trying to lull Mike into another debate.

Mark +10

Mike -100

Awwwwkkkkrrraaawwwdd!

7 02 2010
Mick Fanning

Not only do I support GW and Pat Robertson, I also support gay marriage.

You hear that Mike?

We can get married now!!!

7 02 2010
Enoch Ward

Guys,

Let’s go easy on the conservative apologists. That’s like beating on Rush Limbaugh’s audience for buying the same taint-cheese flavored agenda for 20 years while expecting them to avoid growing a third arm out of their forehead. Meanwhile, these naive fools buy every piece of shit they hawk on their websites.

Some sheep need to be fed pellets of truth bit by bit before their stagnant eyes are opened. Otherwise, they must bow their rigor mortis-beset knees at the Alter of Mediocrity.

Speaking of mediocrity, I believe PeterPerfect logged a complaint against my comments on this site.

Point taken.

I really hope your rebuttal and subsequent commentary is nothing short of a Francis Bacon-esque masterpiece.

The floor is yours, old chap…:

Odd.

Maybe he will donate a helmet or two to keep Mike’s ASP fans from bashing their own senses out.

8 02 2010
Mike

Wow….

I’ve been accused of a few things, but Mick Fanning “fan”? Maybe I’m a corporatist infiltrater provacateur as well?

Truth be told, I like to watch Taj, Kelly and dare I say Dane. I “defend” Mick Fanning because my esteemed fellow commentors throw a very talented guy under the bus because his style has become redundant. It’s still a great song, you guys are just tired of it.

I saw “world champs” that deserve genuine scrutiny. PT, RAbbit, Damien Hardman, Derek HO, Sunny Garcia and yes, the victory lap that was Billabong’s relic Mark Occhiluppo. Now that was a lifetime acheivement award wrapped in a title.

Mick earned his two… the last under weighted odds. That’s how the pathetic game is played, deal with the outcomes. You guys are cursing the symptoms (MF), but the disease (ASP “organization”) is terminal

For the record, it looks like Mark got drunk watching the game and let off a little steam under his aliases. Painfully obvious when he goes third Person scoreboard…..

8 02 2010
mark

actually can’t take credit for any of these weak fakes. you won’t know when another frank appears. he (she?) will come in the darkness of night and you will be left grasping for your keyboard to let the new commenter know what you think.

morris, gordon and d fer are all about as funny and clever as, well, no one. they aren’t funny and they aren’t clever and whoever (mike) came up with them should be condemed (?) to surfing county line for the remainder of the winter.

and it wasn’t so painfuly obvious to mike the last time i went 3rd person now was it mike? you sat on the sidelines for 2 weeks cryin to your wife and readin every post and every comment and rubbin your sore ass while using every ounce of energy you could muster to not type.

THEN, when you realized frank wasn’t some tough p.v. guy that hurt your feelings (father of the bride wedding planner!) you came running back home like a lost puppy that had spent 10 days in the pound and was next in line to get gassed.

hey mike you ARE NOT GOOD AT FAKING IT. PLEASE DO NOT ATTEMPT THINGS THAT ARE NOT IN YOUR NATURE. I promise that i won’t make flower arrangements if you promise to retire morris, gordon and d fer.

now i am goin surfin.

8 02 2010
mark

excuse me. i promise not to make world class “art”.

8 02 2010
frank woodbury

I’m Mark?

10 02 2010
Dave Mailman

Guys,
I said I HOPE that Dane or Dusty takes ten… It doesn’t mean that they will! I have the right to dream! As for the little Brazilian, Gabriel Medina, who knows, but I do know that the kid rips, and has a big future in front of him.
As for being the ASP apologist, I’m actually kind of over that, although that wasn’t the reason for my absence. I’ve been buying a new house, planning my wedding and 40th birthday party, and of course, taking care of my baby daughter amongst other things. A few work gigs as well. Scored great powder in Chamonix a few weeks ago during the Freeride World Tour event. Surf has been on and off over here, and fucking freezing. Haven’t been too motivated to throw on the 5/4/3, boots, gloves and hood. I’m keeping them warm and dry for the CWC in Scotland in April! Best to you all (even Mark!), Dave

2 03 2010
Notes from the Quiksilver Pro Webcast « Nugable

[…] 4 of my top 5 rookies are still alive and there are some intriguing round three match-ups, including two back-to-back […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s




%d bloggers like this: