Surfboard Stereotypes

11 01 2010

Jamie O'Brien and his quiver of trusty Rustys. Photo: Tyler Cuddy/Surfline

A surfboard is the most important component of any surfer’s arsenal. Surfboards are conduits that splash brushstrokes on saltwater canvases. They are extensions of our souls. They are muses and swords, trophies and brothers. We give them names like Black Beauty, Mother of Pearl or the Egg. We protect them like fragile infants. When everything goes right, they are magical. Like it or not, the board you ride says a lot about you.  

Channel Islands: You are a classic front-runner with no taste. You have been married at least twice. You live in the suburbs; have 2.5 kids, a golden retriever, a mistress and a $1000-a-week cocaine habit.    

…Lost: You’ve never had a job that requires a W-2 form. You have a minimum of 12 tattoos. You root for the bad guys in westerns. Idols include GG Allin, Johnny Cash and Aaron Cormican.   

JS Tractor:
You aren’t exactly gay but would snuggle up with Occy like a koala bear in heat if given the opportunity.

JC:
You used to kill puppies and sell your body for drugs, but found Jesus a few years ago.   

Firewire: You are well-to-do stay at home dad, watch the Oxygen network and fantasize about Oprah wearing black leather. You have It’s Raining Men on your iPod.   

Superbrand: You’re an aspiring artist who wears designer T-shirts. You pay the bills by DJing weddings and Bar Mitzvahs. You can’t execute a simple cutback but you attempt an air on every wave. One day you will pull one off. You have an Andy Warhol shrine in the basement.   

T. Patterson: You have a permenant tan line where your state-mandated ankle bracelet used to be. 

Velzy: You don’t surf anymore and but still buy boards at collectables auctions.   

A Kneeboard: You’ve never been past second base with a girl.   

Santa Cruz Epoxy: You belong to a food co-op and are attracted to European women who don’t shave. You smoke speed on weekends.   

Tropical Brazil: Your interests include soccer, Carnival and milking 2-foot mushburgers to the beach.   

Ben Aipa: You have a beer belly you’ve nicknamed “the 12-pack.”  

Yater Spoon: You are a sucker for six-foot peaks and love the smell of napalm in the morning.   

Maurice Cole: You masturbate to old Miki Dora photographs. You keep a copy of Catcher and the Rye under your pillow.   

Surftech: You conceived your first child at a Radiohead concert and your wife/girlfriend thinks iPhones are more addictive than crack.   

An Alaia: Your’re a disgruntled former pro still cashing checks from a third-tier clothing company. You have a fugazi Jackson Pollack in the living room and dream about opening an Asian fusion restaurant.   

Chilli: Your ancestors were petty thieves and grifters before they were and shipped Down Under by the British.   

Xanadu: You are a strip club DJ in San Diego. You drive an aftermarket Honda and eat sushi 4 nights a week.   

T&C: You went to Hawaii last summer and got a surf lesson at Waikiki.   

Kechele: You drive a monster truck. You think Todd Holland was the greatest surfer of all time (besides Slater of course…amen). You have an enormous case of West Coast envy, but routinely tell your friends the East Coast is way better. Your great-grandfather was in the KKK.   

Robert August: You are a construction contractor. You sold your Harley Davidson on eBay. You struggle to fit into your 20-year-old Aleeda wetsuit.   

Patagonia: You sell Mona Vie acai juice for a living. Someday you will achieve your dream of riding along with the Sea Sheppard crew. You drive your wife’s Subaru station wagon.   

Wave Riding Vehicles (WRV): You think Ron Jon is core surf shop and get a 10% discount.   

A self-shaped board: You excel at making “will work for food” signs and your current address is under a freeway overpass.   

A SUP: You own a dozen Ed Hardy shirts. You want to commit suicide but don’t own a shotgun.

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52 responses

11 01 2010
Mark

I don’t get the Maurice Cole-Mickey Dora photograph connection.

A lot of great surfing done in the past 25 years on Cole’s. Practically none of it had anything to do with Mickey Dora except they both served time in prison. Is that your connection?

11 01 2010
rambly

awesome.

11 01 2010
kaveeks

@ Mark
both in prison. masturbating to a dude. gay bear logo. I’d hate to be the guy in the comment post who gets bothered by That stereotype.

11 01 2010
Murph

Classic. Taj’s Burrow is not going to like this.

11 01 2010
Marks dog Eddie

Bark bark, prison, yeah, open air prison, we used to live there, yeah, north shore, flexing muscles and talkin shit, bark bark.

Bark bark, Maurice may beat off in prison, but his entry “v” should be standard on any serious gun, bark bark.

Bark bark Murph, it’s Taj’s Burro, bark cough cough ( still getting over my sickness because Mark won’t let me in the house at night… a chihuhua doesn’t have enough hair for that shit and I gotta stay awake in case the coyote family shows up again)

Bark bark, Channel Islands, bark, good job Nug, expose the sheep, perfect description. Bark, may I add Kumbayah “Christian Conservative” who considers themselves “radical”, bark bark.

Bark bark, Bobby Martinez destroyed Rincon yesterday… best backhand in the history of the sport, bark bark

11 01 2010
Blasphemy Rottmouth

This was a good read. However, it could have been GREAT, if you would have interviewed two blokes who don’t surf the ASP how the latest changes to the ASP rules will affect them. Brilliant. That’s what makes STAB so special.

Special needs articles for special needs surfers.

11 01 2010
Marks evil twin Kram

You forgot to mention Rusty, Nug…

Who rides Rusty’s? Either an 80’s Occy fetish or someone who can’t find the Channel Islands display at Costco.

You gotta love the whole “ride a pro model” phenomenom. Nobody is thinking for themselves, no intellectual curiousity. ” I kinda look like Taylor KNox, but I want to grow my hair like Mob and if I lose some weight I can surf like Kelly so I think I’ll buy a Proton”. Wow, covered all the bases in one decision, whew.

Or better, Al Jesus Merrick has an entire surfboard line dedicated to someone who doesn’t surf his boards, Bobby Martinez. Guess he didn’t fit the profile or missed “reality” church one weekend.

Why you ask? Because I am EVIL

11 01 2010
Rottenmous Blasphmouth

Then Gandor flew down from the sacred volcano with a thinly foiled piece of rockerless wood and handed it to Laird. As Gandor flew back to Xenia, he chortled to his disciple, ” Paddle in to 30 foot chopes and we’ll be able to sell a million of these things at Pac Sun. Go forth and conquer the liquid dragon, all of Utopia awaits your victory!”

A legion of morons justifies poor equipment choices because Laird made that takeoff. Word.

11 01 2010
Mike

I wonder what Nug rides? And what does that say about him…. things that make you go hmmmmm.

Let’s see… considers Huntington as good as Superbank, snarky writer with no pretense of respect, following in some abandoned footsteps…… hmmmmm.

Doc 4 fin bat tail. That was easier than I thought it would be.

11 01 2010
Elwood

I love all the 30-40 year old dudes who are 185+ lbs. and ride pro-model boards with narrow noses and have to sit inside and hassle my kids to catch waves.

Speaking of recent swells and surf action in Cali…. gotten up to Rincon and Ventura a few times this winter. Has anyone else noticed how much more advanced the younger (14-17 year old) kids up there than the one’s down south. If we’re looking for a reason why there hasn’t been a legit top 10 pro from south of Pt. Mugu for 15+ years, therein may lie the answer. Maybe all the little league dads and surf co. in SD and OC should spend some more time having their kids surf real waves than hanging out at Seaside or T Street. home-schooling their kid, trying to pimp their kid off for their 10th sponsor, and surfing another lame contest every weekend.

11 01 2010
A kneeboarder

I resemble that statement.

11 01 2010
chris Cote

Not that my opinion matters, but this is the closest to the best thing you’ve written on this site. I wish you wold have expanded even more on each board as i would have gladly read more details about each of there stereotypes.

Name the board that these Magazine editors ride:

Transworld SURF: Chris Cote

Surfer: Joel Patterson

Surfing: Travis Ferre

STAB: Derek Reilly

11 01 2010
Blasphemy Rottmouth

@Chris,

That’s pretty easy.

Chris Cote rides a cock with QuickBillaRipVol logos stuck to its balls.

Joel Patterson rides an old copy of Surfer’s Journal.

Travis Ferre rides a dollar bill with pennies for fins.

Derek Reilly rides a Chas.

11 01 2010
chris Cote

there are also FoxHurlRustAnaloVans logos on it’s taint, but those are kind of hard to see from my angle.

11 01 2010
Mike

Chris Cote… small man who surfs north county beach breaks at lunch, but has to keep some level of performance aesthetic or lose his audience….
Sub 6 foot hybrid fish with hips slightly forward, full template ( 19 1/2) single concave running into a panel V in the tail so that he can keep the board moving rail to rail. Easy to ride, but no concession board. Biolas.

Derek rides a stock chilli or a DH, whatever makes his dick feel bigger walking through the crowd. Or a conspicuous hand me down, Parko or Fanning.

Joel rides a pigmented, gloss coated 70’s reject, but feel regal at Cottons.

Travis rides an ironing board with two keel fins and claims a Skip Frye template even though no one is impressed by that.

11 01 2010
Mike

Nice comment Elwood.

The kids north of the 310 don’t have a connection to the surf “industry” and are less effected overall. They have to compete for waves with elders who aren’t so “supportive”, thus retain more of the independent streak that characterized our generations. They think about surfing before they consider commercial glory, the opposite approach of the 949/714 clusterfuck.

A buddy visits from Newps and his two kids are decked out in Billy this, quik that, full scene. As we walk down the trail to the cove, a kid their age runs up in jeans and a t shirt. Both the Newp kids made a comment about the kids appearance, not cool, he didn’t even have puka necklace. (true story)

20 minutes later, the two Newpies struggle for scraps in the bay with more commercial affiliations than Dale Earnhardt Jr. Meanwhile, local kid flies by on an old longboard with no leash or stickers.

Last relevant surfer from the OC…. Shane Beschen. All the other media darlings just can’t cut the mustard. Jury is out on the new wave from San Clam, but the new format won’t be easy on them.

11 01 2010
The Nug

@BR
“Patterson rides an old copy of the Surfer’s Jounal” made me laugh out loud.

My guesses are:
Travis probably rides a Merrick Proton but his magic stick is most likely an underground HB shaper like Eisaku or Jack Sykes.
Joel rides a striped down Merrick with no logos and for weekends at SanO a Stewart noserider.
Rielly rides a …lost
and Cote probably rides a semi-unknown north San Diego shaper like Marlett.

11 01 2010
SmyrnaJeff

I ride a Kech 5’10” Quad at NSB but I rock up to a 6’2″ when Monster Hole does her impression of G-Land twice a year.

11 01 2010
Mark

This type of post is cool but can only roll for a day before it is spent.

Lets talk about So Cals run of surf. I am calling the past month an 8.5 on a ten scale overall and a 9.5 solid if you base it solely on surface conditions.

Yesterday was freakin PUMPING in S.D. and today was smaller but BEAUTIFUL. Mid sized west swell with hot, glassy, shimmering lines that just kept on comin.

Thank’s Neptune!

May we have another? Please?

11 01 2010
Shamus McRearload

Pumping, indeed. But Mark, just keep your ‘male enhancement’ practices to yourself next time.

Gracias.

11 01 2010
Shamus McRearload

And where is the Mailman? ‘Tis about time he cut and pasted a 20,000 word cut and paste from the ASP website.

11 01 2010
astralmonkey

I ride waves dude. I have 2 boards, one old ass island designed lightning bolt which has since turned yellow- you know how we roll, and a newer shiner fish shaped by a local.

I just dig my connection with the water, whatever form or vehicle it comes in. Too much agro for an experience that’s supposed to be centering and reconnecting defeats the purpose. But your wit continues to amuse.

11 01 2010
Jamie O

Rusty: U hav learned 2 choose good things in life. U drive a big American car. U eat wat u want. U think surfing is all the training u eva need 4 surfing. U know Red Bull tastes better than beer. Barrels spit on U.

11 01 2010
Jamon Bagel

If I EVER say Red Bull tastes better than beer, put me in the toaster oven at 495 for three hours. Scatter my burnt crumbs at Blacks so the barrels can spit on ’em.

[please disregard the above if someone pays me 5 or 6 figures to say Red Bull tastes better than beer].

11 01 2010
Jamon Bagel

Having said that, I’d like to remind the individual who stole my 6’0″ Rusty reverse concave from that girl’s house in Mission Hill in ’04, I still ain’t forgot about you…….

Good board, that one.

11 01 2010
Magnum Q. Meatwhistle

Sweep the leg JO’B… Sweep the leg!

IF the movie blows donkey balls, then I will crane-kick your teeny balls.

Word.

11 01 2010
Pot Roast

Why fuck with nutritionless deep fried dough when you can wait until after you surf and eat the rich flavors of Pot Roast. Breakfast is so stale or cold by the time the wind comes up and lets face it, you only eat when the waves suck.

Dinner is the call for sure. Socially acceptable to pound some brews and a bowl full of love comin to yer belly.

Freakin pork isn’s ripe for humor either, it’s all about the beef.

“It’s whats for Dinner”

11 01 2010
trauzersnake

@Magnum Q Meatwhistle-

LMFAO!!!….Get him a BODY BAG!!!!

11 01 2010
USDA

Homeland Security received a warning from Mossad that food humor in the surf industry will change the threat code to Orange. Your cooperation is appreciated, please report any acts of terrorism to your local JDL office and do your patriotic duty to the Mother Country. She’ll take care of the USA.

As for processed pork foods, we are watching you… follow the swine.

11 01 2010
Murph

@jamie O

I haven’t been this excited for a movie premiere since Lucas released Star Wars Episode 1. I do not know much but I do know this, If Who is JOB has Jar Jar Binks in it we’re going to have fucking problem.

11 01 2010
SoCaliHermy

i have no idea who jamie o’brien is. i feel that makes me a cleaner person.

But i am quite familiar with the concept nug is throwing across to us, and it makes me sick.

@Mark: you’re not a gynecologist by any chance, are you?

11 01 2010
Blasphemy Rottmouth

@AssholeMonkey 20:08

“Too much agro for an experience that’s supposed to be centering and reconnecting defeats the purpose.”

I read that comment like a bewildered toddler perceiving itself for the first time in a mirror. Please enlighten us with the magical zen with which you’ve so marvelously found purchase. And please, exclude the words “power,” and “balance,” anywhere near the word “hologram” in your poignant rebuttal.

Regards,

BR

11 01 2010
Squirrel

Reilly rides the boards you want but can’t yet get in OZ

11 01 2010
The Nug

Blasph, Astralmonkey is a female if that makes a difference.

11 01 2010
Blasphemy Rottmouth

@Squirrel,

How much does a good Chas dick, I mean deck cost in OZ?

11 01 2010
Blasphemy Rottmouth

@Nug,

AstralMonkey’s a lass??

Then Laird bless this Knob Creek, her furtile valleys… and these West swells. Goggles? On!!!

Pass the word to Mark’s mother that her ass-slapping has been fruitful to our endeavors.

@AstralMonkey,

I only bite when I’m drunk. And by ‘drunk,’ I mean breathing.

My bad.

12 01 2010
Mark

“Everybodys got somethin to ride cept for me and my AstralMonkey”.

12 01 2010
Demon

Being poor sux! We can’t afford no Lost, Rusty or whatever other brand. We surf on lids from Igloo coolers. Bitches are badass. Rails are a monster. Loose and Fast as shit. We can get shacked in 1 footers all day.

12 01 2010
AssholeMonkey uh I mean Astralmonkey

@BR no worries, i just like to surf- and eat burritos. I try to keep things simple.

@Mark we can stake out the Wendy’s on the Boardwalk and nik boards from the kooks who leave em unattended as they eat their nuggets.

@Nug nothin but love, man. I uphold your ace blogging status.

hologram out.

12 01 2010
The original Jimmy Football

Recently I moved to the LBC and have started kite boarding. Where do kite-boarders fit in? Am I kidding myself in thinking that I’m cool? Please don’t tell me were lumped in with stand-up board guy…..

Thanks in advance for helping me with these perplexing questions.

12 01 2010
The Nug

Jimmy,
If you ride a kiteboard you are most likely an ex-runner who couldn’t fit into his Dolphin shorts any longer, so you had to pick up a new sport mainly because you don’t want to the throw away the $200 dollar Oakley Blades you bought.

12 01 2010
The original Jimmy Football

Blades are back!

12 01 2010
Mark

@Nug

Some pretty effing gnarly kite boarding goin down in the Islands and Northern Cal Nug.

You need to do your research before spewing hatred and mockery.

12 01 2010
fla

yeah gay men from san fran to hilo are hopping on poles, i mean kiteboarding…

12 01 2010
But Seriously Now

Mmmm, pretty damn sure Kech, like most of the east coast, does not have west coast envy tho’ we know you like to think so.
trus’ me boss, you’re not as quite as revered as you like to think you are.
but, if, it makes you fell better about yourself have at it …

12 01 2010
SmyrnaJeff

Mark tried selling Mona Vie on Oahu for awhile.

He finally got discouraged after continually facing rejection from huge mokes that couldn’t understand why the price was so high and why they had to become a distributor to buy it.

The product, however, was killer. Mark would get totally jacked on a couple of shots before he went surfing and then he would charge twice as hard as before.

12 01 2010
Jamon Bagel

If you ride a bagel,

You care enough to use all the letters in “you”
You never did own Oakley Blades.
You know dinner just slows you down when it’s time to get busy.
You know nighttime is the time to get busy.
You can’t be seen in the Brian Conley videos, because you are riding behind Conley.
You think kiteboarding looks pretty interesting. Along with spelunking, wife-swapping, and wearing all white.
You might be Rachel McAdams. (Hi Rach ; )

12 01 2010
Taj's Burro

Say what you like about those proprietary eskie lids that Taj rides. Just get the bloody ocker off me back, and back in front of his favorite Oprah reruns.

12 01 2010
Shamus McRearload

@Nug 10:49

Awe Snap!!

12 01 2010
Shamus McRearload

Acronymn fun goin’ down at PostSurf comments if anyone would like to join in.

T.D.T.F.?

To
Diddle
Tiny
Fags

15 05 2010
NewtoForex

Excuse me. Does someone realize how to define true Forex EA from fake and a real Forex signals from fake? big thanks

14 09 2012
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