Top F*cking 5 Surfing Storylines of 2009

18 12 2009
Greg Long plays with perfection in a imperfect year.

Greg Long plays with perfection in an imperfect year.

5. The Recession
Budgets were cut. Surfers were dropped. Employees were sent packing. Stock prices tanked. Brands went out of business. No one was safe from the 2009 Velcro Valley Chainsaw Massacre. In 2010 surf company executives won’t be counting barrels in Tavarua. They’ll be counting their fingers hoping whoever they borrowed from to keep afloat doesn’t come looking to collect. Some say the worst is over. If the fat lady is singing, she’s a little off key at the moment. 

4. The Modern Collective and the Emergence of the New Guard
I’m still no buying the whole “fuck perfect surf for onshore breakbreak blowouts,” credo but you have to hand it to Kai Neville and cast for producing the most talked about surf film in years. It lived up to the hype. Jordy Smith amazed and Dane breezed into the top 10 of the ratings. With the addition of Dusty Payne, half of the MC crew is on the WCT tour and ready to Rock the Casbah. Conversely, Owen Wright might just expose What is Really Going Wrong. 

3. The Rebel Tour
It’s on. It’s off. It’s on. It’s off. It’s ON? Rumors and speculation ran rampant. Nobody is talking about it yet everyone is talking about it. The ASP surfers, with agreements in place to not comment on the situation, are like Skull and Bonesmen at this point. Talk about the Slater/Rebel Tour and ASP brass will don gothic cloaks and give it to you “Thank you sir may I have another” style. If nothing else, Slater forced the ASP to take a hard look in the mirror. Adjustments to structure have already been made and we’ll be watching as the evolution of pro surfing takes a new-fangled shape in 2010. 

2. Mick Fanning Wins Number 2
Say the following sentence out loud. Mick Fanning is a two-time world champion. Repeat. Mick Fanning is a two-time world champion. Now wash your mouth out with soap. Are we Inglorious Basterds for wanting more from an ASP champ? Hardcore surf fans want drunken debauchery and surfing with reckless abandon, not protein shakes, core training and tactical two-to-the-beach jerk off sessions. You have to hand it to Mick regardless. It was a hard-fought duel with best mate Joel Parkinson and Mick came out on top of the bromance. Somewhere in Australia Damien Hardman is doing a Jersey Shore fist pump but secretly hoping Mick (like the rest of us) doesn’t win a third. 

1. Eddie Does Go
The most prestigious event in surfing was held for the first time in four years and only the seventh time in its 25-year history. It was worth the wait. When Clyde Aikau, 60, brother to legendary Hawaiian patriarch Eddie Aikau, dropped into a 20-foot Waimea beast last week all felt right in the world. San Clemente big-wave specialist Greg Long rode into surfing history by beating Kelly Slater. Arguably the best big-wave surfer in the world is from San Clemente. The best surfer of all time hails from wave-starved Florida. At this point I would not be surprised if an Asian driver named Long Duk Dong wins the Indy 500. As we say aloha to 2009, Eddie Aikau is looking down from the heavens and smiling.

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63 responses

18 12 2009
Blasphemy Rottmouth

Your best list, and perhaps best post.

I’m sure we’ll think of something you forgot to put on the list, but right now, the hair o’ the dog is all I care about. I’ll be back later after my headache wears off and I’ve had a chance to take this all in.

18 12 2009
Jay

Right on the fucking money. I’m sure other sites will do similar lists but they won’t be this good. I might put the Rebel tour at two, maybe 1.

18 12 2009
The Count of Monte Crisco

Where’s Lewis/Postsurf. Maybe he should be in there. #6? You could have made this a top 10.

18 12 2009
Mark

What about J-Bay on 7-14-2009? That isn’t in the top five?

18 12 2009
The Nug

Thanks BR. Good point Mark. JBay was a last minute cut. I went with the recession instead because it was more wipespread.

18 12 2009
K'baa

Thank fuck, Nug. Somebody acknowledging that Mick Fanning is so fucking boring. Same limited range of turns over and over and over and over and over and over. zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Recession has been good for me. New ex-bikini model velcro valley cast-off moving onto the trailer park, where I reside.

List are good. Although, Lewis’ fuckery deserved an honorable mention.

18 12 2009
Thank the Laird

Greg Long needs more bronzer and weight room time to be considered a folk hero like Laird.

18 12 2009
Ross Clarke Bones

The Eddie was legendary. Slater, Long, and RCJ were magic. Like Slater said its like the Olympics…every four or so years. Who needs surfing in the Olympics when you have the Eddie? I would like to thank Bruce for making the shorie a part of deal five years ago.

18 12 2009
Blasphemy Rottmouth

Yep. PostSurf needs to be on the list. My list would be something like this:

1. Economy

2. Eddie

3. PostSurf

4. Rebel Tour

5. Parko Melt Down

Modern Collective just confirmed my aversion to buying surf movies. I watched it at a friend’s house and didn’t see anything remotely approaching the word “art.” I refuse to line Poor Specimen’s pockets to watch two highly entertaining sessions by some of the sport’s most progressive athletes. You could have cut and pasted all those whirlibirds from the first two sessions into the second half and not noticed a difference. Unfortunately, my friend paid money for this. The one thing I did take from that movie, is that Kai Neville did everything but expose the innerworkings of Dion Agius’ brown snaphole.

The hype alone though, would merit it being ranked 6th or 7th.

18 12 2009
Mark

My mom recently came up with a top five list of the gentlemen she has dated this year.
Strangely Blashemy Rottmouth was missing. I asked her about it and she mumbled something along the lines of ” he is pretty funny and all but ….. he has some fairly crucial “shortcomings” in a certain ” department ” that is important to myself and most other women.”

What!!?? B.R. has E. freakin D.? A teeny weenie? Could B.R. win Howard Sterns ” Small Penis Invitational”?

Who woulda thunk it?

18 12 2009
SmyrnaJeff

Lewis doesn’t deserve shit. After the way he abandoned his commenters I would put Lewis in the BOTTOM FIVE.

18 12 2009
Jamon Bagel

Be patient with Lewis. He still has a chance to become a man. I’m reserving judgment and keeping the “coward” label in my pocket for now. Because I myself am not the bravest sandwich ever toasted.

Nice post, Nug, seriously.

18 12 2009
Shamus McRearload

@Mark,

I’m not sure the Laird would approve of you listening to the vile filth spewed from Stern’s mouth. I think it says to in Hezekia 6:66.

Also, since your mother only allows anal outside of wedlock, size doesn’t really matter as much. Chas Smith told me that once. Remember that the next time she asks you to step up to the plate and “take her temperature.”

18 12 2009
trauzersnake

I think Lewis is kind of a cock, not so much for quitting, but for not giving any props to us commentators. RIPper was right.

18 12 2009
Shamus McRearload

@Trauzersnake,

I would agree almost 100% with you. The only exception is the fact that he did do the whole Comment of the Week thing (Comment of the Weak in Mark’s case). He also allowed some commentor’s to hijack his column once in a while for a guest post.

I know a few writers myself, and most are pretentious cocksuckers when it comes to acknowleging fellow genius.

At any rate, his current job pumping gas from the asshole of the unemployed must be treating him well enough.

18 12 2009
Shamus McRearload

By the way, ‘Pumping Gas From The Asshole of the Unemployed’ was my first band’s name in high school.

We played Ska, Death Metal and some Gospel.

18 12 2009
Jamon Bagel

By the way BR, I never did figure out if you were Lewis.

18 12 2009
Magnum Q. Meatwhistle

Haven’t you juvenile little squirrel rapers given up your whole alter-ego thing? Like we don’t know that Jamon Bagel is Dave Mailman, PeterPerfect was Lewis, Mike is Voice of Reality, Nug was Loving Jewish Couple, Mark is George W’s impotent left teste, Trauzersnake is Brodie Carr and BR is Pope Benedict XVI.

C’mon guys.

Get real and just be yourself.

18 12 2009
Blasphemy Rottmouth

Errrr….

18 12 2009
Taj's Burro

Ass over teakettle, head dipster in his Pipe heat….At least Parko went out in style.

Joel did it right. Wiped out with his pipe out.

19 12 2009
Things tha make me go Hmmmmmm

@ Magnum Q. Rottmouth

I agree Nug shouldn’t allow alter-ego names amongst the commenters. In fact there are a few of us that are putting together a petition to ban the practice altogether.

So far we have signatures from Mark, SmyrnaJeff, Fidel, Hog Flu, Ann Coulter, Someone, Kampion Hynd Warshaw & Hawk as well as myself Things that make me go Hmmmmmm.

We WILL have a bill on Nugs desk BEFORE the Billabong Pro Junior at Narrabeen in early January.

Hmmmmmmmmm.

19 12 2009
SmyrnaJeff

@ Shamus McRottenload

Bro are you kidding me? Mark’s COTW regarding the rules of localism back in March was in the top 5 for the entire year. Gorkin loved that one.

19 12 2009
Elwood

Gotta give at least an “honorable mention” in the list to Mother Nature for the way she finished off the year… at least in So.Cal.

Best fall in memory… it’s mid December and we’ve already had 7 legit NW swells with plenty of wind swell and SW’s sprinkled in between. The winter reefs in San Diego started breaking on Labor Day and haven’t stopped since.

Great list Nug and great commentary from the rest of ya…. being able to actually surf decent waves and be entertained by this Blog— keep a half (un)employed grey beard like me stoked.

And let’s not forger the top Blog of the year… BR’s “I haz a dream”… still LMFAO thinking about that one.

19 12 2009
Mark

@Elwood

If this is the best Fall in memory then I am moving back to Sunset Beach.

19 12 2009
Meatwad

@ B.R.
Modern Collective just confirmed my aversion to buying surf movies. I watched it at a friend’s house and didn’t see anything remotely approaching the word “art.” I refuse to line Poor Specimen’s pockets to watch two highly entertaining sessions by some of the sport’s most progressive athletes. You could have cut and pasted all those whirlibirds from the first two sessions into the second half and not noticed a difference. Unfortunately, my friend paid money for this. The one thing I did take from that movie, is that Kai Neville did everything but expose the innerworkings of Dion Agius’ brown snaphole

I am wondering if you have seen The first chapter and if so what you thought of it I agree with what you said about buying surf movies, fair bits the bruce movie etc.. seem like 10 or 15 total clips put on a loop in slow motion but first chapter seems different your thoughts.

19 12 2009
bone an raized

@ Mark
Sunset dont want you back!

19 12 2009
lazer

Dane Reynolds and First Chapter is to art what Jackson Pollock was to surfing.

19 12 2009
Mark

@ Bone and Raized

If you mattered you would use your real name.

19 12 2009
Shamus McRearload

@lazer,

I refuse to believe this is the real lazer without the ®.

20 12 2009
Rong duck dong

Hideki Mutoh is the asian driver that will likely win the Indy 500 this year. Put some money on it.

20 12 2009
The Nug

A lot of good comments here. Nice job fellas. Shamus gets extra credit points for his band name…‘Pumping Gas From The Asshole of the Unemployed.’

20 12 2009
Devo

Great stuff, but I expect nothing less!

20 12 2009
lazer

Should a humble commenter be worried about copyright infringement here, too?

20 12 2009
Lawrence of Alabia

@Shamus,

I too know a few pretensious cocksuckers (aka: writers). One, with the initials B and R in particular, told me he thought Mike was a pretty good writer. He may even ahve a half decent story to tell. If he could just pick a tense, whether it be present or past, he’d be set.

Lazer® and Shreddy Roosevelt rock heavily. I still remember a joke that Shreddy made about Yngwie Malmsteen that made left me undies layered in shart.

Good times.

Oh, and Mark should quit talking to his own alter egos – it’s getting regawdamn-dickulous.

20 12 2009
Lawrence of Alabia

Me spelling is layered in ye olde alkeehaul this evening.

Cheres!

20 12 2009
trauzersnake

…They used to call me Lawrence of alabia back in high school…hehehe. Along with tripod, meatstick, tubesteak, polski…..

20 12 2009
SGT. Cock

LAWRENE OF WHAT?!!..FUCKING ALABIA?!!! THAT NAME SOUNDS LIKE ROYALTY…YOU ROYALTY, SCUMBAG??! DO YOU SUCK DICK???!! I DON’T LIKE THAT NAME, ONLY FAGGOTS AND SAILORS ARE NAMED LAWRENCE. FROM NOW ON YOUR NEW NAME IS PRIVATE GOMER PYLE……

20 12 2009
Blasphemy Rottmouth

Lol @ Sgt. Cock.

Welcome back Sarge.

20 12 2009
SGT. Cock

@BR-

AT EASE, CORPORAL.

20 12 2009
Blasphemy Rottmouth

Thanks Sarge. I’ve been at ease ever since this morning… when my day job of hand feeding cocaine to Britney Murphy’s eager nostrils came to a merciful close.

What?

Too soon?

20 12 2009
Jamon Bagel

It wouldn’t be Blasphemy if it wasn’t blasphemy.

20 12 2009
Jamon Bagel

PS, Magnum, I think Dave Mailman is a fine fellow. But c’mon. He doesn’t have enough Jamon to be me. Jamon Bagel has no alter ego…though he once might have had a very good friend, name of Black’s Slacks, current whereabouts unknown…

20 12 2009
lazer®

Dave Mailman is tolerable in very small doses. Much like Michael Steele and the Jonas brothers.

20 12 2009
Jamon Bagel

Where is Angry Villager with Pitchfork when you need him?

20 12 2009
Mark

@ Lazer

You still drivin a Prius that runs on Orphan tears and ground up kittens?

And btw where is Stu? Seems he hasn’t embraced the Nug even though they seem to live and surf within a few miles of each other.

And guaranteed Mike is Lawrence of Alabia. I can feel his spirit oozing through the words on the screen.

21 12 2009
Lawrence of Alabia

@Mark,

I am not Mike. I’m just Chris Henry’s ghost, haunting your mudhole with my carbon neutral SUP paddle of death.

21 12 2009
PeterPerfect

Magnum Q. Meatwhistle, I am NOT Lewis. Facts:

I am not Jewish.
I can write.
I’m not a fucking crybaby.

That is all.

BR, straighten these cocksuckers out or they’ll be on the receiving end of a month’s enforced stay at Sarge’s New Zealand Health Farm and Pray the Gay Away Retreat.

21 12 2009
Jamon Bagel

WWAVWPS

(What would Angry Villager with Pitchfork say?)

Bracelets on sale now at http://www.istabbedastanduppaddlerboarderwithmypitchfork.com

21 12 2009
trauzersnake

@Nug-

Dude, you’re not quitting too, are you?? It seems like posts are getting a little sporadic>

21 12 2009
trauzersnake

…Not so much for me, but Mark would be absolutely DEVASTATED to go through that again.

21 12 2009
Jamon Bagel

Nug, if you’re pressed for time, howzabout we each get our own posting?

For example, Mark can author something called “Why California Sucks and All Left Leaners or People Who Don’t Love Coulter Plus Also Gerry Lopez Are a Bunch of Obamafascist Dupe Kooks Who I Will Burn at Sunset If I Ever Move Back There.” Wherein he works himself into a prose frenzy, culminating in his “quitting blogging forever.”

Or, better yet, Mark and Mike can co-author a posting, moderated by BR, with Trauzer in charge of measuring who’s got the most Jamon.

21 12 2009
Mark

I actually love California. This afternoon was stacked to the horizon and so grey and glassy you couldn’t tell where the Sea ended and the Sky began.

I’m just sayin Elwood was probably baked off his tits when he claimed best Fall EVER.

Ever is a long time.

21 12 2009
Mike

Wow, Chris Henry AND Brittney Murphy humor before the funerals…. cursory inspection infers that Henry had possibly not turned his life around as reported ad nauseum and that Murphy’s husband is requesting no autopsy. Things that make you go Hmmmmmm…. though my first thought was powder overdose BR.

Dave Mailman is the Scott McClellan of the ASP, head apologist and spin meister. Jamon is cutting edge breakfast humor whom to my knowledge has never bored me to sleep with statistics and rationalization. Dave has.

Calibammy Mark, I’m not too adept at creating nicknames for myself so your projection once again is off target. Sorry for inference Lawrence o Labia, you deserve top billing for your comedy.

As for Nug quitting, creating new posts is exhaustive and a new direction in life may make that decision for him. Then we can all move en masse to Blasphemy’s blog and his countdown to meltdown begins. Lewis couldn’t survive his own standard and his post contest power rankings vacuumed his soul and left him vacant. Chas has no soul, so he’ll go on into eternity…. that and nobody comments on his blog. If a blog fails, but no one ever reads it, does it exist?

21 12 2009
Mike

Dear Bagle,

I will not co post anything with Mark.

Thanks for thinking of me,

Mike

21 12 2009
trauzersnake

So are you saying that Nug=Jim Zorn??

21 12 2009
Mike

No, Jim Zorn will be paid a substantial severence while Nug will earn his pay.

21 12 2009
Rottnest w-Zest

Good on Ya Mikey! You are a man’s man to the marrow Matey!!

If you ever cash in ya chips and wanna bail for the last 12 years of your surfin life then bag Kiwi-Land and scoot on over to W.A. and check me out.

Once you truly put Tarzana in the rear view you will realize how hard you are blowing it right now.

21 12 2009
Fidel

@Mike

Not too adept at creating nicknames for yourself? What about Voice of Reality?

21 12 2009
Blasphemy Rottmouth

@Mike,

My blog has never had, nor will it ever have, the intention of maintaining a regular update or reaching more than three dedicated readers. As you can tell recently.

As I’ve stated before, it’s merely a therapist’s prescribed catharsis for my schizophrenic mind. I would prefer to lurk and comment on a blog that I actually read, rather than pretentiously espouse my own views to an indifferent public.

Wait.

Let me start over. PostSurf was the first surfing blog that compelled me to even leave a comment. Unfortunately, I got hooked when a spontaneous camaraderie developed amongst the regular commentator’s over there who shared a similar sense of humor, rapier wit, and irritable bowel syndrome. It was like the Elk’s Lodge for us ornery old custard-fucks who surf at least once every three weeks… and sometimes on Thursday’s.

Some of us have moved here. Some have moved on. Some have vanished, like tears in the rain.

Time to surf.

22 12 2009
Jamon Bagel

@BR: Sweet Roy Batty reference. Have you ever taken that test yourself?

@Mike: I don’t think Mailman sweats as much as McClellan. But I don’t know that for sure.

@Mark: Best comment you’ve ever left. You actually do have a soul! Mike will be disappointed.

22 12 2009
Blasphemy Rottmouth

First PostSurf. Then InsidetheGoldmine. Now LikeBitchin?

Nug, you better lock your doors, close up your windows, and load your weapons. They may be coming for you next.

Or, Mike at 20:38 is right.

22 12 2009
The Nug

The blogging Gestapo already came for me. But I just pointed to the smoking apparatus on the coffee table and the bottle of Jameson. They soon forgot why they came.

26 12 2009
Dagwood

hOW bout that Fanny eh? best surfer in the world again, such a shame you narrow minded fucks are stupid to release good surfing when it hits you in the nuts.

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