The First Ever Nugable Surfing Awards

15 12 2009

Kelly and girlfriend Kalani at the 2008 ASP awards banquet

The 2009 ASP World Tour is effectively over. Today a Pipe Master will be crowned. Three days ago Mick Fanning won the world title in relatively anti-climatic fashion. After months of build up and anticipation it all ended much faster than expected. Rather than a classic finish ala Machado/Slater in 1995, we got surfing’s version of a premature ejaculation.

At season’s end the ASP holds an awards banquet to honor surfing’s elite. They dress up, they drink, they give out awards and the world champion is formally honored. It’s a fine little red carpet affair.

But the ASP should honor not just the world champion, runner up and rookie of the year. There are several surfers that deserve recognition for their effort this year and beyond. Without further ado I present the first ever Nugables.

The Middle School Award—Dane Reynolds

Dane Reynolds is a freak of nature. Could you imagine if he really cared about winning? He’ll most likely finish in the top 10 this year and it appears he’s barely trying. He is not new school. He is not old school. He is middle school. Like 7th grade. He is a like an ultra-smart B student. You know the type that never studies yet still breezes through college? Being a B student is the best. It shows you are smart and talented, but not obsessed. There is nothing more annoying than obsession.

The Michael Corleone Award—Kelly Slater

Remember when Michael Corleone took on the Vatican in Godfather III ? That took balls. That’s effectively what Kelly is doing with his effort to push for the never-say-die Rebel Tour. Surfing is evolving and ASP is struggling to keep up. Kelly is the only surfer on tour with the balls and power to make this happen. He is Michael Corleone.

The 2 Live Crew Award—Jamie O’Brien

Sometimes freedom of speech is a fallacy in America. In 1989 2 Live Crew’s album As Nasty as They Want to Be was deemed obscene by a Florida judge and subsequently banned. The group was even arrested in Florida for performing songs from the album. In 2009 Jamie O’Brien released the trailer of his upcoming film Who is Job. The trailer shows him burning the ASP rule book. Even though he is a former Pipe Master, the ASP tried to ban Jamie O’Brien from surfing in the Pipeline Masters this year. In both cases order was restored and justice prevailed.

The Scooby Doo Where Are You Award—Bede Durbidge

I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again. Bede Durbidge is like a machine. Like a Terminator. He gets very little press yet he quietly makes the quarterfinals or semis in seemingly every event. He doesn’t even have a major clothing sponsor. You know how at the end of each Scooby Doo episode the gang reveals the villain’s true identity? One day I fully expect someone to reveal Durbidge’s true identity as Arnold Schwarzenegger. They’ll remove his mask and he’ll say in a thick Austrian accent “And I wud have gotten away wit it, if it wasn’t for you meaaaddling kids!”

The I-Don’t-Want-to-See-How-the-Bratwurst-is-Made Award
—Marlon Lipke

Germans are known for many things…fine automobiles, beer, classical music, bratwurst. They are not known for surfing. Marlon Lipke tried to dispel this notion unsuccessfully in 2009. He finished last in nearly every event. To be fair, he’s really Portuguese. But that makes little difference to surf fans. We STILL don’t want to see how Lipke’s bratwurst is made.

The Martin Scorsese Lifetime Achievement Award—Taylor Knox

Martin Scorsese’s films are masterpieces. His resume includes classics like Taxi Driver, Raging Bull and Goodfellas. Despite these landmark films he didn’t win an Oscar until the 2006 Boston gangster epic The Departed. It was largely believed to be a make-up award for years of snubs by the Academy. Critics jokingly called it a lifetime achievement Oscar. Like Scorsese, Taylor Knox is a legend and perhaps the smoking gun against the ASP’s refusal to implement style in its judging criteria. Can you believe Taylor Knox has won only one WCT event in more than 15 years on tour? Just one. And that was in Brazil. Knox, like Scorsese, deserves a lifetime achievement award for years of being slighted.

The Harry and The Hendersons Sad Farewell Award—Greg Emslie

The 33-year-old South African’s nickname is Bigfoot. Perhaps he was given the name because he has really large feet. Or maybe it’s because a photo of Greg Emslie has never been published in a surf mag. Greg is a super nice guy and a talented surfer. Last week he announced his retirement. The only problem is I’m not so sure he was ever on tour. There are no confirmed photographs of him on tour. He might just be a figment of the human imagination—like the Loch Ness Monster, Bigfoot or an attractive lesbian.

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155 responses

15 12 2009
KevNYC

Nice post. You see those quotations from Kelly re Joel and Mick? He is setting them up for next season. Excessive praise for Mick, and commiseration for the oncoming depression for Joel. Slater gets #10 in ’10. Makes sense, eh?

Predictions for Pipe today:

Damo beats Dingo; Kelly squeaks by Flynn; Taj over Bede; Ceej over Dane
Kelly over Damo; Ceej over Taj
Ceej takes it out and heaps more misery on poor Joel by taking out the Triple Crown by virtue of his place in the final.

15 12 2009
Ludwig Von Liptoven

“We STILL don’t want to see how Lipke’s bratwurst is made.” Are you serious. That is harsh.

I’m mildly interested.

15 12 2009
Blasphemy Rottmouth

How many times can Snips remind us how “capable” and “fierce” these competitor’s are?

I propose a drinking game.

I long to be drunk by the semis.

15 12 2009
Jay

Kelly is going to win this thing. I hope he paddles out on a alaia and does 360s in the barrel.

15 12 2009
The Nug

I cannot confirm but I heard though the grapevine Snips’ commentary was the inspiration for Ambien. If I had children with insomnia I would play Snips’ voice on loop at bedtime.

15 12 2009
Jay

@Nug and Blashpemy
Just turn the sound off. Thats what I do when I watch Mexican Telenovelas.

15 12 2009
Blasphemy Rottmouth

@Jay,

I know, dammit. You’re the smart one.

Me? I can’t avoid train wrecks. I NEED to listen to this disaster. Much like my unequivocal NEED to fondle Mark’s mother’s pendulous back fat while she slobbers all over her second dozen Krispy Kreme’s snack every morning.

15 12 2009
Dave Mailman

Kelly is too good. Makes it look too damn easy. Hope he and Dane make the final and Dane wins…

15 12 2009
Blasphemy Rottmouth

Love the crazy board by Slates. Glad to see someone doing something different.

And how great was that hassle between Hobgood and Dingo?

15 12 2009
The Nug

Kelly Slater just won his heat riding a skateboard. He may slap griptape on it and rock some skinny jeans for the Semis.

Dane seems to have forgotten to put Quik logos on his sled. Is he pulling a Tom Curren?

15 12 2009
Blasphemy Rottmouth

Like Scott Weiland walking into a warehouse filled with heroine and hookers, I cannot overcome my deeply instinctual urge to listen to the Egan, Occy and Blakey menage a trois – despite its inevitable toll on my precious brain cells.

15 12 2009
The Nug

Chris Cote just confused Damien and CJ. It is the 1 millionth time they have been confused. Hugh Hefner has the same problem with the Playboy twins he is dating. But Hef is almost a vegetable by now. Cote is just a fruit.

He also prematurely awarded Parko the Vans triple Crown. Although untrue it was a nice gesture.

15 12 2009
dee mez

mr, nugg – sure fire way to tell the ‘twins’ apart?
c has a pronounced bump on the bridge of his nose, dam does not.
next time you see them in person, side by side, check it out.
been using it since they got into their early mid-teens.
never fails.
beats the hell out of semi-embarrassingly saying “hey, bro’, whats up” every time you see them coz u don’t want to blow it.
of course, i’m pretty sure they don’t think they give a flying fuck which is why they are two of the coolest pro cats on the planet …

15 12 2009
dee mez

ps- cote’s not a bad guy, he’s just from california ;-]

15 12 2009
Dave Mailman

Slates’ stick looks sick! Dane has obviously written QS on his board with a black marker… They’re not OP. They don’t care…

15 12 2009
Dave Mailman

Nug, where is Cote commentating…? Haven’t heard him on the official site.

15 12 2009
The Nug

Dave, he’s on Twitter. As am I. We both may be mildly retarded.

15 12 2009
The Nug

Quik at this point is just like OP. Except OP’s stock is worth more than a dollar. I kid Quik.

15 12 2009
Blasphemy Rottmouth

@Nug,

You guys aren’t retarded, but take a mint will ya? The smell of cock on your breath is stinking up the room. Heh heh.

15 12 2009
The Nug

Dane just knocked down a Hawaiian Airlines jet with that air. Scatch that. It was a Virgin flight.

15 12 2009
The Nug

According to the Judges Airs at Pipeline’s equivalent to Cuban cigars in the States. They are not allowed. He just got a 4.9. Not sure what the judges are smoking. But it’s not Cuban

15 12 2009
The Nug

Gerry Lopez just shown. He can cure cancer.

15 12 2009
Blasphemy Rottmouth

Gerry Lopez can rape tiger sharks…

…gently.

15 12 2009
The Nug

This is the best impromptu live blog in the history of impromptu live blogs at the Pipe Maters. Please continue Blash.

15 12 2009
Dave Mailman

Dave don’t tweet, or twit or whatever the fuck it is!?!
Can Dingo pull a Rabbit out of his hat and take this semi?

15 12 2009
The Nug

The Dane vs. Kelly Showdown is looking more and more real. Brodie Carr may want to rub Kekoa Balasco’s belly for good luck. That is if he doesn’t carry around a Buddha miniature like I do.

15 12 2009
Blasphemy Rottmouth

Brodie and Chas are busy playing ‘hide the jellydong’ with each other’s buttholes.

Heavy wipeout by Slater.

15 12 2009
Dave Mailman

How good is it to have Eugene in the booth!?! He can barely hold it together!

15 12 2009
The Nug

Dave, I see what you did there. A Rabbit? This could be Kelly’s last WCT event ever. Kelly wants this one.

15 12 2009
Dave Mailman

Blas, those two New Best Buddies are most likely sinking a few cold ones right now. No more lubricant needed.

15 12 2009
The Nug

Daven Stanfield should just bust out a rendition of the Mr. Rogers theme song.

15 12 2009
Dave Mailman

How was Snips deadpanning the “you really caught fire in Cali” pun. Classic.

15 12 2009
The Nug

I can’t hear what Mick is saying. I can’t say that I care either.

15 12 2009
Dave Mailman

Yeah Nug. That’s the question no one wants to ask. Is this Kelly’s last ASP event? Or not?

15 12 2009
The Nug

This webcast need two things. More Cowbell and more Dave Mailman. Right now we have neither.

15 12 2009
Dave Mailman

If it stays small like this I think Dingo is dust. But the final will be sick no matter who wins semi number two!

15 12 2009
Dave Mailman

Excuse my ignorance, but who or what is More Cowbell? I thought Pete Mel did a good job at Haleiwa, Sunset and guest spot at the Eddie. How sick is Greg Long, by the way?

15 12 2009
Blasphemy Rottmouth

I don’t want to say anything bad about Mick Fanning, or Tim Baker will come in here and jack my shit up.

15 12 2009
Dave Mailman

No action in the line-up, a very hoarse Eugene, think I’m gonna go read the post…

15 12 2009
Jon Christensen

I just noticed I stopped listening to Mick talk somewhere between 3 and 10 minutes ago.

15 12 2009
The Nug

Greg Long is a hero. He sold his soul to the Devil at the Crossroads of Christinanitos and El Camino Real. I was there.

15 12 2009
Dave Mailman

Good post too, Nug! I love lists…

15 12 2009
Blasphemy Rottmouth

G-Lo is tearing it up.

Gerry Lopez once jacked off in my eye. It was a full and robust load. He never told me why he did it. I just bowed my head and walked away… thankful for the gift.

15 12 2009
The Nug

Right now the waves are eight inches Hawaiian. I’m glad my girlfriend doesn’t use the Hawaiian scale to measure my penis.

15 12 2009
Blasphemy Rottmouth

Dingo just missed a golden chance…

15 12 2009
Dave Mailman

Greg’s brother Rusty is a pretty cool cat too…
Think Slats has this semi…

15 12 2009
Dave Mailman

How much do we bet that Mike or Derek froth out and drop in on CJ or Dane?!?

15 12 2009
Dave Mailman

Dingo living up to his name? How good was that Backdoor pit he choked?

15 12 2009
Blasphemy Rottmouth

2 strikes by Dingo… don’t think he’s getting a third.

15 12 2009
The Nug

Dingo would drop in on the Pope and flip him the bird. I like that about him.

15 12 2009
The Nug

Parko clinched the Vans Triple Crown of Surfing presented by Rockstar fueled by Ramen powered by Nixon Watches and Hawaiian Airlines. Did I miss anyone?

15 12 2009
Dave Mailman

“Oh, look at that technique. (Kelly Slater) really is the best in the business…”
– Mick “Eugene” Fanning (2007, 2009 ASP World Champ

15 12 2009
The Nug

Bede Durbidge is now riding for Fox. I hope they don’t offer him the Aussie rights to the brand.

15 12 2009
Dave Mailman

You forgot to thank all the locals for the warm welcome and lending us their break! Rule number 1 of contest thank you lists!!!

15 12 2009
Elwood

Hey Tauzer..

GT = Cumstache…

15 12 2009
Blasphemy Rottmouth

Where is Mike? Hungover? We need his voice of reality.

15 12 2009
The Nug

Taj is very good. It is because he was born in the States.

15 12 2009
The Nug

I think that was the 100,000th shot of a girl in a bikini. I like that the Webcast cameramen appear to have inner casting couch skills. I’m certain Tiger Woods is watching.

15 12 2009
Blasphemy Rottmouth

Ironically, I have also blown 100,000 loads since this webcast began.

15 12 2009
Demon

Sorry I’m late. Was rubbing one out watching Sl8s heat replay….

15 12 2009
Dave Mailman

Blas, hungover on a Tuesday?!? Maybe you. Mike, I don’t think so…

15 12 2009
Dave Mailman

I don’t care if Taj is Seppo born, he was raised in a Land Down Under. Go Dane !!!

15 12 2009
m

“Taj is really in sync and rhythm with the backdoor”

15 12 2009
Dave Mailman

“Taj is in sync and rhythm with the Backdoor today…”
– Luke Egan

15 12 2009
Dave Mailman

The suspense is killing me! Come on Dane! Win! Goddammit!!!

15 12 2009
m

“Derek Ho has kelly beat by a couple inches”

15 12 2009
The Nug

Did I miss Sunny Garcia’s heat?

15 12 2009
Dave Mailman

Damn, damn, damn….

15 12 2009
Dave Mailman

I’m gonna tell Sunny you said that Nug!
Seriously though, I couldn’t believe that either! WTF?!?

15 12 2009
The Nug

Is this Air Show or the Expression session? Is Skip Snead there?

15 12 2009
dee mez

low blow on skip snead, deduct a point and go to a neutral corner for a mandatory 8 count.
christ on the cross– you 3 guy’s are, all hands down, the all time bukake kings of ASP blog posting.
i’m sending you each a carton of bounty paper towels – ” clean the mess for less” – for next years event.
who ya gonna pick on next?
zeldo ??
;-]

15 12 2009
Blasphemy Rottmouth

Huey didn’t come through for Dane. Woulda been an epic final. That said, Taj has been on point this whole event. I never thought I would say Taj Burrow – Pipe Master.

And we probably never will, since Kelly has a permanent image of Taj on the back of his hand.

15 12 2009
The Nug

@Mailman
The Dual heat thing does have it downside.

15 12 2009
Dave Mailman

Nug, what did Dave Prodan answer about the JOB rule book burning incident?

15 12 2009
The Nug

Taj wants to avenge his death at Trestles two years ago via Slater.

For motivation he may be saying to himself. ‘My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.’

15 12 2009
Dave Mailman

Dave Stanfield: We’re continuing with our past champs expression session giving the surfers (and internet spectators) a chance to relax, rehydrate and get ready for the final…

Dave Mailman: Thanks, Dave. Don’t mind if I do! Be back with a fresh drink and outlook on life in a few minutes…

15 12 2009
The Nug

@Mailman
It was a somewhat generic response. I do not blame him. He did make a point to mention Jamie lost the 43rd ranked surfer in the world. He did not mention Jamie almost won on 1 wave

15 12 2009
Dave Mailman

Would love to see TB pull off a miracle, but… it ain’t gonna happen!

15 12 2009
Demon

Can’t watch right now. How’s Makua doing?

15 12 2009
Dave Mailman

15 perfect scores posted in 2009 … Parko 5 .. Dane 3 .. Bede, C.J, Keiren, Michel, Owen, Hank and John John 1 each.

15 12 2009
Dave Mailman

Alley-oop, not a 360, but whatever. Bruce is sick.

15 12 2009
Dave Mailman

Heat Points Posted in 2009 (Before Quarters)
Surfer POINTS
Mick Fanning 538.60
Joel Parkinson 511.01
Bede Durbidge 473.89
C.J. Hobgood 457.63
Adriano de Sousa 447.57
Kelly Slater 429.54
Taj Burrow 418.22
Dane Reynolds 396.99

15 12 2009
The Nug

Question for Mailman about the Sunny situation. Didn’t they delay the event in France because Kelly was late for his heat? Looking back, doesn’t Sunny deserve the same? Do it or don’t do it at all.

15 12 2009
Dave Mailman

Nug. The answer was already given elsewhere, but here it is again. Sunny was a wildcard, and there is an alternate list for wildcards. No alternate list for Top 45 surfers since they get the points even if they don’t show up. Triple Crown rules approved by the Hawaiians…

15 12 2009
Dave Mailman

Top Ave Heat Scores over 13.00
Highest Average Heat Scores 2009
Surfer Ave Score Heats Surfed
Mick Fanning 14.96 36
Kelly Slater 14.81 29
Dane Reynolds 14.70 27
Joel Parkinson 14.60 35
Jordy Smith 13.98 26
Taj Burrow 13.94 30
Adriano de Sousa 13.56 33
Bede Durbidge 13.54 35
Damien Hobgood 13.08 27
C.J Hobgood 13.08 35

15 12 2009
Dave Mailman

Top Win ratios over 60% in 2009
Surfer Win Ratio
Mick Fanning 77.78%
Joel Parkinson 74.29%
Kelly Slater 68.97%
Bede Durbidge 68.57%
Adriano de Sousa 63.64%
Taj Burrow 63.33%
Damien Hobgood 62.96%
C.J Hobgood 62.86%

15 12 2009
Dave Mailman

Best Win Ratios in 2008;
Slater 88.00% .. Parko 71.79%.. Taj 69.77% .. Bede 65.31%.. Fanning 63.64

15 12 2009
Blasphemy Rottmouth

I believe I can see G-Lo’s balls dangling out his shorts on that trophy. The legend, legs akimbo, blessing us with his sacred junk.

It is a miracle I am still alive.

15 12 2009
Blasphemy Rottmouth

Stansfield just blubbered: “Dane does a lot of experimenting…”

15 12 2009
Dave Mailman

Career Stats Dane (before Quarters):
29 events… 82 heats .. 36 wins .. 43.90% win ratio… (9 final series) 6 quarters .. 2 semis .. 1 final for 0 wins.

15 12 2009
Dave Mailman

Career Stats Taj; 133 events… 486 heats .. 295 wins .. 60.70% win ratio… (114 finals) 59 quarters .. 37 semis .. 18 finals for 6 wins.

Career Stats Kelly; 182 events… 801 heats .. 604 wins .. 75.41% win ratio… (253 finals) 112 quarters .. 83 semis .. 58 finals for 41 wins.

*All stats before Quarters*

If you find stats interesting, all of the above come from Mike Newman in Oz. You can get on his mailing list by contacting him at:
“Mike Newman”

15 12 2009
Dave Mailman

Current top 45 event winners share 89 wins between them;
Slater 41 .. Fanning 12 .. Parkinson 9 .. Burrow 6 .. D.Hobgood 4 .. C.J Hobgood 4 .. Martinez 4 .. Durbidge 3 .. Campbell 2 .. Knox 1 .. Morrison 1 .. Buchan 1 .. de Sousa
(13surfers)

15 12 2009
Dave Mailman

Blas, did you watch any of the Maui ladies final?

15 12 2009
Blasphemy Rottmouth

@D.M.

If you post any more numbers, the entire population of Hawai’i is going to have a spontaneous collective aneurism.

15 12 2009
Dave Mailman

If you guys are watching on Fuel I’m jealous.

15 12 2009
The Nug

What’s with all the stats? Did I log onto a baseball blog? I’ve said it before, but it deserves repeating. When I die I know I’m going to hell and I fully expect Dave Stanfield to be announcing Dodgers games there instead of Vin Scully.

15 12 2009
Dave Mailman

BR,

No more numbers. I promise…

15 12 2009
Blasphemy Rottmouth

I did not see the final. Did I miss a nip-slip?

15 12 2009
The Nug

The best part about Fuel is it’s exclusive. You feel like a VIP if you get it. I think it’s in 15% of U.S. households. It’s like the NFL Channel with wakeboarding.

15 12 2009
Blasphemy Rottmouth

Heeeeerre we gooooo!

15 12 2009
The Nug

I just entered Taj Burrow’s name in a porn star name generator. It told me his porn star name is Dusty Payne.

15 12 2009
Blasphemy Rottmouth

That’s funny. I would have pegged Taj as more of a Dayyan Neve.

15 12 2009
The Nug

The rights look way better at Trestles today. What! Oh I forgot this is Pipe.

15 12 2009
m

And Slater?

15 12 2009
The Nug

Don’t know. Pamela Manderson?

15 12 2009
The Nug

I have friend named Daryl. He has a knack for riding the barrel. I call him Get-A-Barrel-Daryl. He does not approve of the first 10 minutes of this final.

15 12 2009
Dave Mailman

Get A Barrel Daryl is not a happy camper…

15 12 2009
The Nug

Taj is running away with this fast.

15 12 2009
Dave Mailman

Now GaBD is a little happier. Thanks Kelly. Sick Alley-oop from Taj.

15 12 2009
Dave Mailman

Taj is shitting himself. Not often you beat K9 with a 7 and a 5.93.

15 12 2009
Blasphemy Rottmouth

That was an “interesting” score for Slater’s barrel. A 3.93?

Really?

15 12 2009
The Nug

I agree Blas. A 3.93? I was thinking at least a 6.

15 12 2009
The Nug

That’s it. Taj wins. Time for cocktails.

15 12 2009
Dave Mailman

Congrats Taj! How sick was that 360 of Slats on the last wave?!? goodnight!

15 12 2009
ross

3.93for Slater’s barrel!?

Judges got into the Primo’s a little early…

15 12 2009
Demon

WTF is that 3.whateva on Slaters late drop.. Slowed into a smallish tube… He just got fucked more than I did by my ex-wife’s atty! Surfing is queer. Comp surfing sux left nuts.

I feel better now. Thx.

15 12 2009
Blasphemy Rottmouth

I’m off to get wasted myself. A special congrats to the old PostSurf regular Taj’s Burro™.

Cheers!

15 12 2009
Jamon Bagel

Mick Fanning is World Champion and Taj Burrow is Pipe Master. Now I go drink antifreeze.

15 12 2009
Bryce Ellis

RE: Expression Session.

Does Derek Ho have a back foot?

15 12 2009
trauzersnake

Today’s action was pretty anti-climactic. All week leading up to it was great…like the ultimate tug. Rock hard and building-with te perfect glide and some damn good thoughts

There was massive monday, followed by the Eddie, followed by an epic first two days-what with jon jon, AI, and even that one Tim Reyes caught at backdoor.

And then today- like I said, hard and gliding-ready to just blast-even got my target picked out on the wall. Then it just droozles out and makes a big bungee cord. Ah…ho-hum.

15 12 2009
trauzersnake

@ Elwood-

We all started out as cum. GT never left. He’s made out of the stuff…inside and out.

15 12 2009
Jamon Bagel

Speak for yourself Trauzer. I am made of ham…and bagel. And Mailman is made of pure arithmetic. Remember that.

16 12 2009
trauzersnake

Welcome to Rainford, gentlemen. Your crime is NOT that you got caught, but the crime itself. REMEMBER THAT!!

Now, you been assigned to C dorm…that’s our special circumstances dormitory for critical offenders. Your fellow inmates are rapists, murderers, armed robbas…and mental defectiveS…just like you, they graduated top of the class….

16 12 2009
Blasphemy Rottmouth

@Trauzer,

“I’m not dumb… not like everybody says.”

16 12 2009
Blasphemy Rottmouth

You see kids? This is why Twitter sookles tiny Brazilian balls. This was a day of mirth and hijinks amongst a few surfers who may or may not possess a few extra chromosomes. There were some jokes, some telling insight, and even a few complete sentences.

Is this PostSurf golden era, circa May of this year with PeterPerfect having his ass handed to him daily?

No.

But this is fun.

At least, that’s what my therapist keeps telling me as he probes my colon with his tender fingers.

G’night.

16 12 2009
The Nug

“The Dingo ate my Baby.”

http://www.blog.thegoodss.com/hobgoods-253/

16 12 2009
Mark

@ Nug

What is so bad about obsession?

And btw B.R. Lopez is a drop in artist. Quit making him out to be a god. You are embarrasing yourself.

P.S. C.J.’s left barrel 10 was beautiful. Great job by Mike Pritchett to catch it on film. Go Jordy in 2010!!!!

16 12 2009
Blasphemy Rottmouth

@Mark,

You’re just jealous you never received a yogurt splurt from G-Lo, eh?

16 12 2009
Blasphemy Rottmouth

Those of us who’ve been priveleged enough, refer to it fondly as “G-Lo and his Special Sauce.”

16 12 2009
Mark

If Slaters barrel was a 3.93 then B.R.’s last joke was a 4.7.

16 12 2009
Shamus McRearload

Good point, Mark.

I too thought Slater’s barrel was underscored by a lame judge.

16 12 2009
Jamon Bagel

NEW GAME:

Five word Power Rankings. I’ll start w/ the top ten ’cause I thought of it. Y’all can re-do top or expand as you deem inappropriate.

Mick Fanning: Better to watch line dancing.

Joel Parkinson: Rips hard and is sad.

Bede Durbridge: Surfs better than you think.

Taj Burrow: Somewhat less pudgy this year.

Adriano: A mighty awkward mighty mite.

Kelly Slater: Still way better than everyone.

C.J. Hobgood: Right where he should be.

Bobby Martinez: Dominates left-barrels-only Tour.

Damien Hobgood: Kills whoever pulls leash again.

Dane Reynolds: We all wanna be him.

16 12 2009
trauzersnake

I wanna be Shamus McRearload.

16 12 2009
Nug

Jamon,
Love the effort. Nicely done. I think you may be onto something. How about a Haiku Power Rankings?

1. Mick Fanning
Albino Lightening
Strikes twice when the Dream Tour
Looks like Allentown

16 12 2009
Mikes

Wow,

I was about to congratulate Nug on a great post when the deluge of comments began and I realize I missed a special day of pipe. Damn.

Well, great post Nug.

One thing I want all you to consider…. how rad is it that you were all consumed by an insane contest. Unlike NFL “fans”, we all surf and have a more intimate impression of what these elite guys are doing. Which serves my bigger point… HOW HAS SUCH A VISUALLY DYNAMIC ART BEEN SO POORLY REPRESENTED OVER TIME?

If the ASP could package entertainment consistently, all their demographic challenges would become strengths.

Figure it out Mailman. The template was delivered to you, imagine if the buzz I read today was a monthly gift. Relevency and capturing imagination, let the sport do the talking and get out of the way.

Surfing is that good when it is pure.

17 12 2009
Blasphemy Rottmouth

I am trying to imagine what it would be like if the next major CT or Rebel Tour contest had a running commentary blog. Then, I imagine an all-star lineup of commentators like PeterPerfect□, Laser®, Nugs, Demon, Shreddy Roosevelt, Dave Mailman, Mike and Voice of Reality, Mark and his mother, and all the penis and bagel dudes.

And then I get aroused.

It’s been 3-1/2 hours since I had that thought.

I am getting worried.

17 12 2009
Blasphemy Rottmouth

I am sure there are others I am forgetting. m, Charlie Browne, CRACKHEAD BOB or SIDESHOW BOOB or BAD VIBRATOR SLOB, etc…

17 12 2009
Blasphemy Rottmouth

I am I am I am I am… I’m.

What the hell is wrong with me?

Oh yes, there’s only a fifth left in ye olde bottle o’ fiyah watah.

17 12 2009
Dave

Just as I was starting to wonder if reading every post was a wast of time I came to this, from trauzersnake (20:41:39):
“We all started out as cum. GT never left. He’s made out of the stuff…inside and out.”
Beautiful.

17 12 2009
Elwood

Can’t wait for Trauzer’s entire cumpilation one of these days.

17 12 2009
Jamon Bagel

@ Nug Albino lightning + Allentown reference. Well done. But that means we’re both old.

@BR There is only one bagel, though you are correct about the plethora of penises. Advantage: Bagel

@Mikes Why do you want to grow surfing? Why why why? And why does no one ever answer that question?

17 12 2009
Jamon Bagel

Five Word Power Ranking for Slater’s Girlfriend:

Bagels can sport wood too.

17 12 2009
Blasphemy Rottmouth

Mick Fanning: This generation’s Damien “Dooma” Hardman.

Joel Parkinson: Has an unfortunate Achilles ankle.

Bede Durbridge: New sponsorship reflects terrible economy.

Taj Burrow: “Hey Bede, we’re Pipe Masters?!?!”

Adriano: Needs boxing lessons from Kala.

Kelly Slater: “Hey, fuck you Owen Wright!”

C.J. Hobgood: “Where does The Dingo live?”

Bobby Martinez: More boring than Mick Fanning.

Damien Hobgood: “God will smite The Dingo.”

Dane Reynolds: Tortured artist shtick wearing thin.

17 12 2009
Blasphemy Rottmouth

Haiku for Slater’s girlfriend:

So young and nubile
Would I risk the prison time?
You bet! Fwop Fwop Fwop!!

17 12 2009
The Nug

Five word Power Rankings for Bagel.

Mick Fanning: Finally I’ll use my Reef sandal.

Joel Parkinson: Style more important than points.

Bede Durbidge: A perennial unknown, sponsor-less semifinalist.

Taj Burrow: Burrow has no fucking “S”

Adriano De Souza:The Tequila has better aftertaste.

Kelly Slater: KS stands for Keyser Soze.

CJ Hobgood: Jesus Christ = CJ in reverse.

Bobby Martinez: Mexican surfers > black swimmers

Damien Hobgood: CJ must’ve surfed his heats .

Dane Reynolds: Hank Chinaski on Polyurethane.

17 12 2009
Mike

Ham bagle, I never said grow…. that’s the last thing anyone needs. Appealing to a broader audience is suicide conceptually. Same as surf schools (child care). What I refer to is a reformatting of the entire exercise to capture the attention of active participants with relevant stimuli. Most people I know don’t give a shit.

The industry has sold out a special art, homogenized it to the masses and now creates a demographic to support it’s greed. It’s about Money, not surfing. Pandering only to their interests, the ASP has a conflicted foundation and will continue to make poor decisions.

If the ASP reduced the carnival hyperbole aspect of it’s marketing campaign and relied on it’s core audience, we’d all be better served/entertained.

But how would a cholesterol clogging sandwich filled with salt and empty calories ever understand perspective?

17 12 2009
Mike

Blasph must have had a lucrative business trip because his comments have a very dull edge lately… almost happy and without a deviant trace. Things that make you go Hmmmmmmm…. Money has a way of pacifying intellectual talent and sterilizing opinion.

A world tour was poisoned by a wildcard who can’t qualify for the tour. Why hasn’t that sparked debate with all you other dull blades? The tour needed the showdown it hyped incessantly.

Dave Mailman is a archive of worthless statistics, but unfailingly nice.

17 12 2009
Mark

@Mike

You sure are mean to Dave Mailman.

My guess is you are just jealous that he actually hangs out with pro’s while you simply pontificate ( yeah bitches I said PONTIFICATE) about pro surfing on the internet while simultaneously screaming “you go girl!” at the t.v. screen during the Rachel Maddow show.

BTW Nug congratulations on nearing 150 comments on your last post. Your efforts are very much appreciated by myself and, I am certain,
many others here. Without you we would be …Lost.

17 12 2009
Mike

Nice projection Allibammy. But I suggest that it is YOU who is obsessed with pro surfing in a curious way…. most of us find the performance aspect intriguing while you scream “you go girl” from the cheerleader section.

I understand your reticence about Rachel M. Intellectual challenge is not a hallmark of the right.

Nug blew up yesterday, to be sure, but his original post was abandoned for the contest diatribe. It deserved that attention independently.

17 12 2009
Jamon Bagel

@ Mike

I spam corrected.

Your Friend and Possible Future Breakfast,

JB

17 12 2009
trauzersnake

@jamon Bagel-

Although you currently consist of ham, some sort of grain product, and perhaps even American cheese…you started out as mayo, dude.

17 12 2009
Jamon Bagel

@BR

“Hey Bede, we’re Pipe Masters?!?!

LMMFAATWOWOWDRCL!!!

(laughing my mother fucking ass all the way off while drinking cheap lager)

17 12 2009
Jamon Bagel

@Nug: You did it. We’re all back. Thank you….and God help the internet.

17 12 2009
trauzersnake

Hugh G. Rection…..where you at????

18 12 2009
Blasphemy Rottmouth

I have failed Mike’s expectations.

I bow my head in ashamusedment. Though I do disagree with one point:

I was not pacified with money. No, no, no. I was pacified with Mark’s mother’s lactating nipples. And, being a pacifist, I could not resist.

As I stated earlier, I am ashamused.

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