So Good They Named Him Twice

11 12 2009

Like New York and Padang Padang John John Florence is so good they named him twice. Florence is one of the 192 or so wildcards in the Pipeline Masters. He’s only 16 years old, but today (and yesterday) he proved he can surf the pits at Pipe with the best of them.

Heitor Alves was his unlucky foe today. John John just absolutely destroyed the tall and angry-looking Brazilian. Little John John swung himself into the highest heat total of the day,  a near-perfect 18.90. If he had used a club Alves would have looked like a baby seal or Tiger Woods.

“I’m just going crazy out there with only three people out,” Florence said. “There are so many fun waves and I was just trying to catch as many as I could while I had the chance. It’s good to know the lineup out here when it’s smaller because a lot of times they run along the reef faster and those right barrels get really small and can be tough to make it out of.”

Of the remaining 32 surfers in the event 9 are Hawaiian wildcards. Most of the Pipe specialists are killing it, but then again, this might say a little about the lack of talent on bottom half of the top 44.

I’m sure both Joel Parkinson and Mick Fanning can breath a little easier knowing they will not have to face John John in round three. For surfers in the title hunt (Parko and Mick), getting knocked out by a 16-year-old would be a bitter pill to swallow. Somehow they also escaped the wrath of the Irons brothers. Hell, I’ll bet Mick Fanning probably cracked a bottle of champagne with his Reef sandal when he heard Jamie O’Brien lost yesterday. Of course he didn’t drink it though.




29 responses

11 12 2009

It’s good year for Hawaii. Keola bear won the rookie of the year. Hank Gaskell. Andy Iron’s comeback and Dusty Payne quaified on the WCT.

John John has a big future.

11 12 2009

Things are setting up nicely, I really hope Pipe cooperates tomorrow!

12 12 2009
Gnarls Smith

This article was good. But it would have been great if you could glom onto the current homo-erotic trend in surf journalism and talk about how attractive the men are. Even weave in a few sexual metaphors for the waves at Pipe and some supercilious hyperbole to fill in the predetermined word count at whichever rag’s cock you’re currently kneeling to.

Because that would be original. And gonzo.

And totally rebellious.


12 12 2009


I think Andy has a big future still as well. The guy is not only one of the best competitive surfers, but one of the best surfers (in my opinion the best surfer period). With that in mind, I can’t say that he’s on a comeback, he never left, just took a break. The guy is effortless at pipe and for the most part any heavy barrel. Not only that but he can crack head turning airs if the mood strikes. Just cuz he took one year off don’t mean shit.

AI has pure talent and drive.

There are pleny kine kids blowing up in Hawaii but I doubt they can deal with Andy this year.

12 12 2009
Gnarls Smith


Can AI deal with Kelly, Mick and Joel for a whole year?

AI looked terrible earlier this year and only looked good (albeit, great) on that one wave today at Backdoor.

I wouldn’t get your boner raised too soon… if you ask me.

Which, you didn’t.

12 12 2009
A.I.' Dealer

I think AI still has tremors.

And that makes me happy.

12 12 2009


I think if AI is not hung over, her can easily deal with all those guys. No problem. Kelly is a freak of nature, no doubt, head to head, kelly vs andy Im always going to go andy (at pipe)

12 12 2009

lets talk about JOB. guy sits for 30 or so minutes, gets combo’d, grabs an 8.something (which we all expect) almost pulls through by ripping an insider!
What the Fuck man!



why Jamie why?

12 12 2009

@ gnarls

sorry I forgot to mention Mick or Parko. Thats the great thing about pipe. For a moment or two we can forget about the title race and concentrate on the reality of what modern surfing really is. How can you get “stoked” about a field of “pro surfers” who are easily dealt with by seventeen year olds?

My initial prediction: Jon Florence will smoke whoever the fuck he comes up on..

My questions to you are
1) Who wins PIPE?”
2) What the fuck do you know about PIPE?
3) Would you be happy or sad if a wildcard won PIPE?
4) Have you ever experienced said wave, and how big?

12 12 2009

on a lighter note, I love it when the Brazilians get smoked

12 12 2009

@ Gnarles,

Agreed Homoerotic trend is coool.

But JJ is only 16…

Don’t need Nug getting arrested.

12 12 2009

C.J.’s ten against Dorian was biblical.

12 12 2009

Great speech by Mick. Gave a nod to his wife and then grinned the Eugene grin.
Great job fierce warrior!

12 12 2009
Old Kook

Jon Jon is 17…sucked that he lost to freaking Damien, but he’s on the cusp of being greatness. AI is still a meth head. Who cares about wildcards or pros. Let’s concentrate on getting GT the hell off of the webcast. That creepy porn star cum catcher he’s sporting has outdone all his other gay personas. Not that there’s anything wrong with gay personas or cum catchers.

12 12 2009

@old kook-

Cum catcher…hehehe.

12 12 2009


Congrats on Mark Ingram winning the Heismann…Just like AI will win pipe. (He didn’t get eliminated today did he?) No access today.

13 12 2009

Rare video of the Nug from the 80’s

13 12 2009
Jamon Bagel

Some of the best claims I’ve seen in awhile. Whew, for little bit I was thinking the Golden Age of the Claim was dwindling. Not to worry, plenty of ham of the Hammy.

[fist-pump-to-triple-uppercut claim of this comment, uh!]

13 12 2009
Gnarlie Smith

@m 13:54,

L to tha motherfrackin’ lol!

Which, lucky for you, renders your ridiculous questions at 2:41, more moot than Joel Parkinson’s stretches on Saturday morning.

And for the record, I once surfed Pipe at 46 feet, on a subtle West swell, with some pestering Kona winds. My twin fin was rusty, but luckily, I had enough of your mother’s bikini wax all gnarled on the nose to prevent any premature ejections.

… your call.

14 12 2009

For how good Jon Jon is, he will never win a world title… He’s not equal to AI at age 17 (watch video of AI at 17 and Jon Jon and judge for yourself).

Speaking of AI, he truly is great (maybe the best) but anybody who watched the contest on Saturday has to know (if last year wasn’t evidence enough) that nobody is in the same league as Slater at Pipe. The guys ability to make it out of barrels that he has no business coming out of is unequaled by anybody – ever. Then there’s his ability to slow down at will to maximize his barrel time…nobody doesn’t as good as him or reads the wave as well as him to know when to do it and when to step on the gas.

No man can beat him; only the ocean can by sending perfect waves to his competitors that require little skill to get a perfect score.

14 12 2009
Mark's cousin bummed fcuk

Ya’all know that Andy is a fat, pasty fuck after just one year on the bench. The bench he preferred after having lost his will and gut to financial entitlement. Now there’s dim fucks suggesting his dominance and that it will return.

Ya’all see drive thru Oz? Andy is a slob. His dad is a slob. His cousin is a slob. Genetics, they say. Kinda like when you screw your underage cousin and she gets fat, she’s a slob. 9 months later, you are a slob. But drinking cures all ills.

Ya’all see Alabamy win the Heisman? He haw! At least he didn’t cry like a bitch like dat Christian TEbow after losing a game…. ooops, he did?!?!? But he menitoned god of course, the saviour of those who trash this earth!

Don’t know why religion and Hawaiian surfing go hand in hand, but I feel that all southerners are official wolfpack anyway. God bless Smyrna jeff, my dog eddie and Waimea bay heroics!!!!!!!! Mahalo and hush puppies to all.

14 12 2009
Nick Saban

Nug, I give you triple respect for allowing our university a voice on your blog.

We shall beat Notre Dame for the National Championship, the equivilant of having a “wildcard” eliminate Joel Parkinson from a title. Heck, maybe there is a 7 man flag team we could play for the title?! So what, they couldn’t play the regular season if they are sponsored by Nike!

The ASP is so relevant and allowing wildcards to poison the well of their championship is fitting. Nothing like vinegar to spice up horse shit.

14 12 2009
Blasphemy Rottmouth

AI pulled that one lay-back snap after a nice Backdoor barrel that shows he still has some tricks in his bag. Will he return to dominate and truly challenge for a world title? Don’t know. If it means he and Slater go toe to toe for a title next year, relegating Mick Fanning back to his rightful position as Damien Hardman’s cock jockey, then I’m all in. If it means we suffer through a series of 3rd round exits, followed by complaining about the waves, followed by another retirement and an eventual overdose, then I hope they film the whole thing and call it “Kauai: A.I.’s Temptation Island.”

And, since it’s vitally important that we all confess to how big we’ve surfed Pipe, I would like to admit that I once caught a wave at 3rd reef while riding a King James Bible that was tethered to my leg with one of Chris Coté’s spent extra small condoms.

Who’s cool now, bitch?!

14 12 2009
Blasphemy Rottmouth


14 12 2009
Blasphemy Rottmouth

Good to see you’re still around Mike. I was hoping you’d still be here when I returned.

14 12 2009
Blasphemy Rottmouth

Mark’s mother’s so fat that normal sized girls make dresses out of her fishnet stockings and she’s so ugly that Michael Vick eletrocuted her.

14 12 2009
Mikes a dick

Vick that is….

14 12 2009
The Nug

Welcome back Blas.
Pipe is a go tomorrow
Perhaps we’ll get that Kelly Vs. Dane final we should have had at Trestles.

14 12 2009
Blasphemy Rottmouth

Thanks Nug.

Good to be back. I’ve got lots of catching up to do. I may even have to put on my Shamus McRearload mask and meander over to LikeBitchin or Stab.

Actually, I’d best save my last few brain cells until after watching Pipe tomorrow.

@Trauzer, Mailman, m, et. all:

You guys going to be watching tomorrow? We need some running commentary as I can’t bear to listen to Snips, Egan, Potz and that old fucker stumble through an epic contest commentary.

Nug, you should do a Simmon’s style running blog during the contest.

Shit. I just gave away an awesome idea for free.

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