Is God a Surfer?

9 12 2009

Stained glass tributes to Curren should be the norm.

Wish I was ocean size
They cannot move you
No one tries

—Perry Farrell from Ocean Size

Years ago Australian surf legend Nat Young reportedly tried to register surfing as an official religion. He did not succeed. It’s a ludicrous concept you might say. Blasphemous even. Well, not so fast. For centuries the religious have honored and respected the ocean. But for surfers, the ocean has always been sacred. The art of riding its waves is often compared to a spiritual experience. The ancient Polynesians were the first humans to view surfing as a spiritual endeavor. Religious even.

Well, let’s imagine for a moment Nat Young was successful. What might surfing be like today? And more importantly—is God a surfer?

Would churches have enormous stained glass windows embossed with images of the Duke, Dora or even Curren? Would the holy water be salt-water based? Would the Sabbath or a swell take precedence? Would the pastor often be a no show because of it? “Sure fellas. I’d love to preach the Good Book today but Blacks is six foot and firing. See ya.”

Holy days would depend on swell too. Employers would grant these days as holidays. The human resources department would make sure of it. Sit back and think about that. This is the world I want to live in. Not one where Christians fight Muslims. A world where a confessional means atoning for all those poor souls you snaked at Rincon during the swell of the year. Nothing else. I want to live in a world where we are separated not by our beliefs, but brought together because of our love of the sea. Wouldn’t mankind be better off coming together as one and ridding the Earth of the real dregs of humanity—the stand-up paddleboarder and the bodyboarder?

It is no coincidence the Earth is more than 70 percent water. And they say Jesus walked on water. So he must have been a surfer. Maybe even the first. Right? He was also a carpenter and a craftsman. Not unlike a shaper really. You think Merrick makes a good board. Every “Jesus” board would be magic. And you can bet your ass he would need a machine to do it. Young punters beware. He might have a preference towards the alaia though.

Religious institutions pride themselves on giving and helping the needy. They pray for them. Surfers pray for surf. We even sacrifice surfboards for the greater good. Now if that’s not giving I don’t know what is. I want to live in a world where we are not judged by the color of our skin but by our punts and nose-riding skills. I want to live in a world where a black bodysurfer from Hawai’i can become President, yet a bodyboarder is still a second class citizen. That is my world. That is Nirvana.

The “Soul Surfer” by default nomenclature alone may be the most holy of the lot. You know the type. They usually look like Jesus anyway. Long hair. Flip flops. He speaks in a language few understand. His own linguistic cocktail of surfer, pigeon and some extinct dialect that fizzed out in the Middle Ages.

I have no doubt in my mind God was a surfer. Tell me divine influence didn’t create Jeffery’s Bay or Pipeline or Teahupoo. If the Earth was God’s canvas, its waves were the brushstrokes. On the seventh day God wasn’t resting. He was surfing perfect Indo. Still think I’m full of shit? For further proof one only needs to refer to Genesis.

And the Spirit of God was moving over the face of the waters.

Or if the Bhagavad-Gita is your thing. Khrisna said: “I am the ocean.”

Yep, I’m certain. God is a surfer.

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14 responses

9 12 2009
Jessica

Genesis 1:20
Then God said, “Let the waters abound with an abundance of living creatures.”

Well, Im a living creature. So in essence God said to go play in the water. Good read man 🙂

9 12 2009
Wanker

Of course God doesn’t surf. God along the Easter Bunny, the Boogieman, Santa Claus and a Brazilian with style are all figments of your imagination.

11 12 2009
G. Pedroso

haha Wanker im a brazo and i had to laugh man

9 12 2009
Demon

Nice job Rev Nug.

9 12 2009
Pamslove

LMAO!!! –>>And they say Jesus walked on water. So he must have been a surfer. Maybe even the first. Right?
RIGHTON!!!! Ahhahahaha 😛

10 12 2009
PF Flyer

Ocean size is great song. I think there’s a church in Huntington Beach that calls itself the Surfer’s Church or something.

10 12 2009
Quadster

It is easy for me to get so caught up in how awesome surfing and the ocean is, that I forget to give credit to the God who made it for our enjoyment. This is a neat reminder to not have the purpose of my life revolve around the ocean and surfing, but around loving God who created all that is awesome and good.

10 12 2009
m

and the devil is the beast in the grey suit

10 12 2009
m

darn it I meant to say “man in the grey suit”

11 12 2009
Jay

@Quadster
It sounds like your purpose in life is being batshit crazy.

11 12 2009
cryptomail

powerpost.
You’re a great writer.

12 12 2009
Elwood

Like anyone, I struggle with what/who created us and all that goes with it.

But when I stop and think about who/what created a perfect wave and created a perfect Vagina (no elephant ears please)… I have to think that there is someone/something up there that has it all figured out.

14 12 2009
Iskel and Sebert

I just saw the movie “The Drifter” and I think they should have named it
The ” I just finished signing divorce papers so now I need to earn 50% more than I did the last 8 years sitting around stoning out, and since I have shirked my fatherly and husbandry duties, I may as well go surf for 6 months while filming and put it together to sell to real hardworking people who have not shirked their duties”.

I give it a B-, it was pretty good not bad.

14 12 2009
Blasphemy Rottmouth

Is God a surfer?

Last time I checked, Laird was still surfing.

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