The Internet is Making Me Stupid

17 11 2009

Admitting you have a problem is the first step. The Internet is making us stupid. Everyone has a friend who constantly sends them useless emails. You know the guy who CC’s everyone he knows two to three times a day with bogus information aimed at people who think the liberal media is destroying the fabric of America? Ironically, these same people will believe anything that shows up in their email inbox. Retards.

Then there’s spam. I hate that too. And Twitter. And Facebook. Really, I could care less if you are putting the kids to bed or plotting to kill your neighbor’s dog. I really don’t need the update. Thanks. The Internet is a gigantic waste of time (except this site of course). It’s useless. I’ll bet 90 percent of the people who just read that last sentence are at work. Wasting precious work hours. The Internet is good for two things—porn and wasting work hours. No wonder the Japanese make better cars. They aren’t on Redtube and checking swell charts all fucking day.

Screw the Internet. I’m dusting off my Encyclopedia Britannica collection and getting rid of my high-speed connection. I might even subscribe to a newspaper. It’s probably considered a charitable contribution now and a tax write off. Additionally, I am going to kill the next person over the age of 13 who uses the phrase LOL. Spell that shit out motherfucker.

Let’s take a look at what we’ve “learned” recently on the Internet. Shall we?

-We found water on the moon and locals are pissed because Surfer Magazine already exposed three perfect pointbreaks.

-Barack Obama is a Muslim who wants to turn us into socialists. He wrote the forward to Mein Kampf and had a three-way with A-Rod and Kate Hudson last night.

-Now underground surf writer Lewis Samuels is in Tavarua counting barrels with Billabong executives. And he’s winning.

-If I boycott Exxon and Mobil, gas will drop back to 1988 prices, and Notre Dame will win the BCS Championship.

-The world title race between Mick Fanning and Joel Parkinson has become so fierce their dogs aren’t even hanging out anymore.

-The People of Walmart have outstanding fashion sense. Billabong flannels are on sale now.

-I can gain six inches and roll my cock down the stairs like a Slinky in two easy steps.

-I met this super-hot girl online. She’s from Farmville, wherever that is.

-We finally found weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. Saddam Hussein is alive and well and is the favorite to play Magnum P.I. in a new film being distributed by the Weinstein Company. Carmine “The Big Ragu” Ragusa is pissed because he didn’t get the part.

-Osama bin Laden works at a 7-Eleven in Los Angeles and can’t make coffee for shit.

-Illegal immigrants are going to kidnap your children and make them gang-banging strawberry farmers and/or customer service representatives in India.

-Tommorow will be the swell of the decade. Magicseaweed, Surfline, Wave Watch and the guy down the street who doesn’t have to work is telling you so.

-French fries are laced with a genetically engineered drug that makes you gay and speak with a Massachusetts accent.

-The disposed prince of Nigeria has great investment ideas.

-It was recently announced Sarah Palin can not only read and write, but she also wrote a book.

Modern Collective will win an Oscar, a Palme d’Or and a Sundance award. The trailer for Billabong’s Still Filthy will win the Surfer Poll.

-I qualified for a great new mortgage today. I don’t have any idea what that means, but the payment on a 500K loan is just $13 a month. I can afford that.

-I can buy Xanex and Vicodin online. (Ok, I’m looking into this anyway.)—Nug

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37 responses

17 11 2009
René Descartes

Because you used the term LOL in this piece will you be killing yourself?

17 11 2009
quincy

1. The bums always lose.
2. Encyclopedia Britannica is for sexual deviants. My parents never allowed those in the house.
3. Instead of eradicating ‘LOL’ can we just eradicate laughing altogether?
4. What ‘is’ capitalism, anyway.

17 11 2009
m

I cannot wait for the Magnum PI movie.

Let me know when you get a good online Favre hook up

17 11 2009
Mike

As always, good for a morning laugh after a futile surf check, nice Nug.

Although upon careful inspection, a detailed reader can spot the first cracks in Nug’s foundation. He finally eclipsed the 40 comment thread and that small victory sounds the sirens call to retire…. kinda like Nug’s idol bruce irons.

It took lewis almost 8 months to become despondent over his flock and the need to feed. New content was the albatross around his neck and the bar he set was too high to be a casual goal.

If Nug decides to go “epilogue” on us or implores us to go towards the light, we’ll know how exhaustive posting a blog really is. The following 100 comments will be a fitting end to the blog it’s author came to loathe.

Then Dave Mailman will keep the corpse warm for another 6 months.

17 11 2009
The Nug

Would someone please give Mike a bonghit?

17 11 2009
quincy

Mike will show us how exhausting posting a comment truly is. How his goals of 15 comments per piece were too high to be but a casual past time.

17 11 2009
Fishing w/Brautigan

Dum tempus habemus, operemur bonum!

17 11 2009
voice of reality

Fuck mike

17 11 2009
Elwood

Re: the Internet

My most visited sites are:

1.) You jizz
2.) The Nugable.

Does this make me (a) a looser; (b) a normal surfer over the age of 35, (c) both a and b.

17 11 2009
Ross Clarke Bones

No Elwood. That is perfectly healthy. It’s funny that Still Filthy won the Surfer Poll before it was released.

17 11 2009
Dave Mailman

Mike and the Voice of Reality are my favorite commenters of all time! Blas doesn’t count anymore since he started his own blog. Et tu, Mike? Mr. Voice? You guys should really get one of these things for your own…

PS: nugable hasn’t yet attained a level worthy of extended life-support if it were to “go into the light” or get a lip to the head… yet!

17 11 2009
Blasphemy Rottmouth

Actually, without the internet, Mark wouldn’t have any place to peruse pictures of “goatse” all day. Poor man wouldn’t know what to do with his free time.

Go ahead, look it up on The Google if you want to witness Mark’s obsession first hand. Just be sure you place a vomit satchel in front of you face when you hit “Search.”

P.s.

Mark’s mother’s so fat she has to pay an extra 30$ to check her right thigh onto a Southwest plane.

17 11 2009
Blasphemy Rottmouth

@D.M.

All that counts is what is in your heart. And right now, thinking of me, I know it’s beating a little faster.

And that’s all I need…

17 11 2009
Mark

@ Nug

News flash bro. The Japanese are no longer making the best cars. I sell Fords for a living and the word on the street is that Toyota is in major trouble and Ford could be the industry leader within 2 or 3 years.
I like you Nug and there is a chance we could be friends. Your posts are pretty funny and seem to be improving daily. Gotta say a solid 6.8 at the moment but I am a tough judge so you should be stoked.

@ Blasphemy Rottmouth
“They” say a couple of things. One is that there is no such thing as bad publicity. The other is that if someone really doesn’t like someone else then they never talk about them so therefore you must be absofreakinlutely MADLY infatuated with me. ” Mark this, Mark that blah blah blah etc. etc. etc. ….. Hey Blas why don’t you start a Mark fan club or something? I was wondering what the deal was and then it occurred to me that I am simply far more in tune with pro surfing, the spirtual beauty of free surfing, politics and humor than you. All you have on me is that you experiment in freaky porn daily and I don’t which seems to be an advantage amongst the “internet blog surf crowd”. Scoreboard dude.
@ Mike
I have nothing left to say. Mike is actually a really cool guy.

P.S. If anyone here needs a car I am the Internet-Fleet Manager at North County Ford-GMC-Cadilaac in Vista. Call me at 808-782-9525. And please no liberal hate crank calls. I have enough stress in my life as it is.

17 11 2009
The Nug

@Mark

I appreciate the kind words.

I’m pleased with the 6.8. Ecstatic actually. Mainly because conservatives can usually only count to 7. Thus, 6.8 is almost perfect on the Confederate scale.

I have no problem with you trying to pimp your fine American rides here but you might want to remove the phone number bro. A lot of whackos out there.

N

17 11 2009
Mark

@ Nug

No scayahd brah!!!

17 11 2009
David Kearns

I am very much not abbreshiading de gomment you hab made regarding de maging of beable to whorg in INjya in gusdomah servbiss.

And is der anyding else I gan be ‘elbing you wit’ dooday?

bleeze do chegg my blogshite

17 11 2009
Elwood

I was kinda worried too…. Nug is on such a role that wouldn’t surprise any of us if Billabong snatched him up at the first of the year. Likely that their entire PR, marketing, advertising, and scouting department is gonna get the axe. But it won’t happen till after the Pipe Masters and their push to get Parko a title…. even they’re smart enough to figure that out.

I won’t hold it against ya Nug… get a fat salary, hang on Tavarua with Lew, travel the world….. or stick around here and end up in a mental institute after dealing with all of us for a year.

Hope Mike has some internet development skills or some $$ to throw down to get a gig started.

17 11 2009
Marv Albert

Mark,

In all fairness, BR is infatuated with his future son-in-law.

17 11 2009
Hussey

So a bunch of re-tweets from the last 48 hours qualifies as a blog now?
The internet really has made you dumber

17 11 2009
Hound

I laughed my ass off. Thanks Nug. Keep them coming.

17 11 2009
trauzersnake

Mark @ 6.35 pm=comment of the week.

PS-if I’m in the market for a ford anytime soon (luv my tundi) I’ll definetly look you up.

18 11 2009
Blasphemy Rottmouth

@Mark,

With all due respect to Marv Albert, my reasoning is much simpler. I am easily distracted by the things in life that make little or no sense to the rational mind. Ghosts, goblins, and psyche patients tickle my fancy. Much like the homosexuals being born with what you would call “deviant” lust for hairy buttholes; I too was born with my own unfortunate infatuation.

For instance: I love staring at car accidents on freeways, wounded baby ducklings that can’t open their mouths wide enough to feed uponst their mammy’s worms, and mongoloids that wander through the park whilst leaving a trail of spittle and soggy bread regurgitations in their pitiful wakes.

And then there is you.

Take heart, mi amigo, for you are in good company.

18 11 2009
Mark

@ Blashemy Rottmouth

I appreciate your attempt to purchase a new 2010 Ford F-150 from me. I regret to inform you, however, that after submitting your credit application to the bank it has been determined that your are not only unworthy of obtaining credit but Ford Motor Co. does not want someone like you driving one of their fine automobiles. Period. Even if you pay cash for it.

Please do not despair mr. Rottmouth for after some considerable arm twisting I have convinced the bank to agree to finance you on a 1988 Yugo. But only if your wife co-signs.

I hope you appreciate the effort I have put forth on your behalf.

Sincerely,
Post Mark

18 11 2009
SmyrnaJeff

Todd Holland bought his killer lifted F-350 Mud Bogger from Mark and said he got a great deal. Plus Gorkin is workin on gettin a new Ranger as long as Lost renews his contract.

18 11 2009
Hog Flu

I hear Mark got an offer to run the Holden dealership down here in Sydney but he turned it down because the local cable company doesn’t offer American college football games.

18 11 2009
Ford Motor Credit

@ Mr. and Mrs. Blashemy Rottmouth

” Dear Mr. and Mrs. Rottmouth.Congratulations on your recent purchase of a 1988 Yugo!. We hope you are happy with your car and that it provides you and your family with years of happiness and safety.

As you know we have given an approval on your loan but there seems to be a small problem. We require ten VERIFIABLE references and for some reason we cannot reach 9 of the ones that you provided for us. So if possible can you please give us some accurate phone numbers and addresses for:

#1: Occy’s Underbite
#2 A.I.’s Dealer
#3 Occy’s Mum
#4 Trauzersnake
#5 Mario Van Peebles Jr
#5 Bone and Raized
#6 Lazer
#7 Things that make you go Hmmmm
#8 SmyrnaJeff
and
#9 Mike

We did reach one reference, a mister Lewis Samuels, and he spoke very highly of you. He said that you were practically his twin brother.

We appreciate your cooperation mr. Rottmouth. If you do not provide us with this information we will have to repo your 88 Yugo and then Mark would forfeit his commission and he would have to return that new O’Neil Psycho 3-2 he just bought.
Thank you very much.

18 11 2009
The original Jimmy Football

Nugable..
Hmmmm. I like this place.
Interesting blog here….

18 11 2009
Blasphemy Rottmouth

@Ford Motor Credit:

You want the truth and nothing but the truth? Here is the complete list of my references:

Magnum Q. Meatwhistle
Occy’s Underbite
A.I.’s Dealer
Mario Van Peebles Jr.
Clifford Pallet
F. Murray Abrahambone
My Name Is Hurl
Shamus McRearload
Marv Albert
& Last, but not least… I believed I used Shamus McSquat-Raper once back in May at PostSurf.

I would appreciate your feedback ASAP, as I’m getting tired of riding your wife’s menstrual cycle to work every day.

Sincerely,

B.R.

18 11 2009
Blasphemy Rottmouth

P.s.

I can’t believe I used the name Shamus twice.

I am so ashamused.

18 11 2009
trauzersnake

Shamus McRearload…hehehe.

18 11 2009
Mike

Wow, who knew Ford sold Yugo’s???

And enough profit to buy an XXXXXL Psycho 2?!?!? Don’t those things have to be custom made that size?

19 11 2009
Blasphemy Rottmouth

Well, I couldn’t help myself.

@Ford Motor Credit:

Please add Lawrence of Alabia to the list. Stab had to go ahead and interview a member of the Alexander family. Retarded people in every nation should be outraged by his misrepresentation of their fellow footsoldiers.

Unfortunately, I have a misguided case of ‘Retard-dar’. Similar to Gay-dar, I have an uncanny ability to sniff out even the most remote levels of retardation after only three glasses of whisky. This ability, unfortunately, also comes dampered with an automatic response mechanism… similar to Tourette’s. Hence, my rambling response over at Jed Smith’s juvenile playground.

Alas, it is an affliction I am willing to bear. So long as our fight for justice in professional surfing carries forth.

Ehhhh, did I mention that I am seeing seven computer monitorth as I type thish?

19 11 2009
Blasphemy Rottmouth

Also, I am willing to bet many shekels that Lewis Samuels was Peter Perfect and Erik Hoegetz.

The only reason I am saying this is because these names were scrawled on a yellowed piece of parchment within a miscellaneous pair of tube socks that were errantly stuffed into the dumpester in the alley behind his home.

I just happened to drive by one day and ‘notice’ the evidence.

Just some food for thought.

I don’t want to rankle any feathers from the flock.

19 11 2009
Elwood

doesn’t Shamus have a brother named Phillip?

19 11 2009
Mike

Lewis was Peter Perfect, although my Lewis sightings are as accurate as the Big foot I think I saw on the lot of North County Ford….. Things that make you go hmmmmmm……..

19 11 2009
Mike

Funny comment Lawrence of Labia….

We once “liberated” the Bob’s Big Boy statue from that corporate den of hamburgers and “released” him over the fence into the Tar Pits facing Wilshire.

That son of a bitch didn’t sink, upside down in the muck for days until the Herald Examiner did a piece on the “tragedy”.

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