Nugable Exclusive: The Jed Smith Interview

9 11 2009

Jed Smith

Stab Magazine’s Jed Smith speaks to Nugable about love triangles, titties, lesbians, the time Kelly Slater called him buddy and the life of a young magazine editor trying to find his way in the world.

Give me your vitals…name, rank and serial number.
6’1″, 81 kilos (178 lbs.), Mediterranean descent, dark features, blue eyes, five o’clock shadow, ripped and curious.

What is your background?
Raised by a low-income single mother. Put through a catholic, all boys school by staunchly catholic grandparents. Started surfing at 13 and grew up in Australia’s most famous and dysfunctional beach, Bondi. Never surf here. Hear me? Never. I went to a grimy left wing university. Boston exchange lesbians with pit hair hated me because I surfed and played football. Currently I am a 22, susceptible to wild mood swings and periods of stability followed by periods of violence. I’m in a violent cycle now but pulling hard up on the joystick. You got me at a good time, Nug my man.

When did you become a Stab staffer and what are your daily duties?
Must be almost twelve months now. I need a story a day, maybe two on the web. I do the departments for the mag plus contribute a feature whenever there is space, something good comes up or I am asked. I love it here because I am given complete autonomy. I hate it here because I am given complete autonomy.

Derek Rielly wrote of his days at ASL that he “shat on the office floor during biz hours, introduced eight staff members to ecstasy and made an early mentor eternally regretful that he ever showed me how to use a comma.” What have been some of your achievements at Stab?
Kelly called me “buddy” in an email once. That was pretty neat. I haven’t done anything that I’m particularly proud of yet. I reported Parko’s injury first. Then had Transworld, ASL and every other mag hang shit on me for exaggerating it. Nothing really springs to mind.

Tell me a story about a pro or industry person who was less than pleased about what you wrote.
Nathan Webster said he was gonna slap me after I did an interview with Dion (Agius) in which he fessed up to the anger he once possessed towards Nudes for fucking his ex girlfriend. But I’ve never actually seen him, so it hasn’t come up. That humorless old crank, (Tim) Baker flipped at me pretty hard in South Africa. That was funny. Um, Bobby Martinez came at me with his fists raised in South Africa but that was something Derek wrote. What else? Nothing really. Friendly guys most surfers and surf industry types, I have found.

Has an advertiser ever pulled out or threatened to as a result of something Stab published?
Yeah, heaps of times. Quik pulled out after the first cartoon we ever did. In my first week I wrote a piece about Erin Wasson designing clothes for RVCA and that lost RVCA.

What is Stab’s philosophy on nudity?
We’re a men’s interest magazine with a sway towards surfing. What man doesn’t like a little bit o’ tittie every now and then? I like it best when they do the shoots in the office (see upcoming Stab book. Lots o’ big titties in there). Sometimes we’ll even fuck the models. No shit.

Why are American surf magazines so puritan? What would it take to dislodge the enormous stick they have up their asses, and is Chas Smith the man for the job?
Without having ever been to America it is hard to say. Here’s a wild theory though. Southern California is the epicenter of the American surf media. Southern California is also quite a well to do region. Rich people, not always, but typically equal conservatives. These same people breed the people that run your magazines, do they not? What would the American surf media be like if it were run out of New York? Would it be different? Fuck, what do I know? That could be complete rubbish but it’s the best I can do for you without knowing much about it. It’s changing though. Travis and the guys at Surfing are cool as fuck. I know a cool young cat who writes for Surfer that I met in Tahiti. It will change with the new generation.

Chas Smith told me he has always been curious as to why you don’t wear a mustache. He thinks you would look really good with a mustache goatee combo. Like Lenin. Thoughts?
Yeah I wore a mustache a couple of times. I got told I looked French. I didn’t like that description. Don’t know why. Nothing against the French but when someone tells you that “you look French,” an Australian for instance, who has never been to France, it’s likely your peddling a radically stereotypical French look. The kind that says you should be wearing a sailor suit, walking around a tropical French colony, speaking in pidgeon Fren- wait…

Recently Stab began moderating the comments on the web site. I know one reader who is not happy about this. Does this stifle free speech and the organic bravado of its readers?
We do it on select articles, the ones that are likely to get real defamatory. Blame yourselves anonymous fucks. You ruined it for everyone with your endless cheap shots and miserable lives. We tried to keep it totally unmoderated, and intelligent and incisive criticism will always be passed, but all the conspiracy theories, sexual slander, dick jokes, gay jokes, please. That shit is only funny when it’s about Derek.

Who wins a world title first…Jordy Smith, Owen Wright, Julian Wilson or Dane Reynolds?
Owen. Kid loves comps. Jordy might. Can’t see Dane winning one. Julian? Sure, why the fuck not.

You are on a desert island. You have a laptop as your only means of entertainment. There is a bottle of lube, the new Modern Collective DVD and an instructional video of Alana Blanchard doing a bottom turn. Which do you grab first and why?
I grab the Modern Collective DVD first, and snap it into two shards. I give one half to Alana and I take the other half. I point the computer towards us and turn Skype on, assuming by this point we will have global broadband. We fight to the death and it is relayed back to Stabmag.com to be later played exclusively. I’m assuming I would win although Alana did grow up on Kauai. If I was to win, I would bleed Alana’s neck in a cup and drink it. Then I would carve steaks off her, starting with her rump. Big dog’s gotta eat, ya know.

After that I lube up the gap between the computer and the keyboard, stick my penis in and slam and open and slam and open. I have a powerful mind. That should keep me going for a couple of weeks. At which point a shirtless Shane Dorian and Fred Pawle will arrive by hovercraft with coconuts of pineapple Malibu and a big joint.. My denim jeans will be cut and frayed at the knees. My hair will be curled and blonde tipped and I will be man, a real fucking man, you hear me Baker! I’m coming for you mothafucker! Argh!

What are your prejudices and how does it affect your writing?
I’m prejudiced against douchebags. If someone is a dick to me, I find it hard to write objectively about them. This is wrong because it’s not always relevant when you are writing about athletic performance. I have overcome this since I first started in the job but it was a sobering experience to be thrust into the WCT atmosphere with my recorder and be regularly vibed out. Surfers are still struggling to grasp that without the media they are nothing. They are also struggling to grasp that it is not there interests but rather the public’s interests we are paid to look after. Wait, no, that’s surf writers who are struggling to grasp that one. Wait, no, it’s both. It’s so easy to treat us like shit because they have traditionally never had to deal with the consequences.—Nug

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50 responses

9 11 2009
Jay

Nice get Nug. Jed is a funny motherfucker.

9 11 2009
Nathan B Forrest

I’ve seen Derek’s penis… very strange looking… Nice job Nug!

9 11 2009
Jimmicane

Good read. Gotta like what Jed’s brought to surf journalism. He stayed with Stuart Cornuelle and I in Jan Juc during the Bells event. Cool guy. Not hesitant to jump into a fight with someone, or root a smokin hot older woman who’s already been tagged by one of his co-workers. haha!

9 11 2009
Blasphemy Rottmouth

Good interview Nug.

I love how Jed splurts this bit of faux-rebellion out of one side of his anus: “What man doesn’t like a little bit o’ tittie every now and then? I like it best when they do the shoots in the office (see upcoming Stab book. Lots o’ big titties in there). Sometimes we’ll even fuck the models. No shit.”

Then, Jed delivers his own rebuttal: “but all the conspiracy theories, sexual slander, dick jokes, gay jokes, please. That shit is only funny when it’s about Derek.”

Jed’s a blowhard who sucks the cock of censorship as hard as any other Disney-fied surf journo whore. He made Tim Baker and Bobby Martinez mad? Yikes. Try making somebody who matters mad before selling yourself as an anti-establishment hero. I think it is ironic that his answer to the desert island question was the most interesting thing in the interview, yet it would have been censored from the comments section at Stab.

Newsflash for Kim Jong Jed:

Keep censoring the simpletons that read your gravy-skin deep poppycockery. By all means, continue to sift those occasional conspiracy theories, sexual slander, dick jokes, and gay jokes from the heavy doses extremely intelligent critiques that currently populate your comments sections. God forbid you allow anything creative and interesting to seep through in response to your bland.

Your website will soon be inhabited by tumbleweeds and crickets.

Other than that, Jed seems like a nice guy. I would probably even let him babysit my three children.

9 11 2009
Ross Clarke Bones

I don’t know what scares me more. Blasphemy having kids or that he’d let Jed Smith watch them. Better than sending them to Catholic school I suppose.

I like Jed. I would let him bag my wife.

9 11 2009
Mike

What’s with this current trend of homoerotic imagery finding an “edgy” audience with surf readers? Trapped on an island with Alana and he fantasizes killing her, being ripped and frosted for Shane Dorian’s shirtless arrival(?)…

Oh, but the big(?) bad dog fucks supermodels in his office in between censoring comments on his intellectually starved posts. Contradiction is obviously part of his illusion of conviction. Anger is his beard. Blasphemy accurately conveyed that had the interview been switched, maverick Jed would have edited Nug.

The insecurity reads omnipresent until he opines about American corporatism killing our domestic surf mediums. That’s an easy nail to hit, but I like his projection about ideology.

What would happen, Jed, when New York runs a surf corpo? Look no further than Volcom, rebellion courtesy of Chase Manhattan and Morgan Stanley. Now that’s as edgy as the sanded rail on a SUP….

9 11 2009
Mike

One last thing…. Jed, give GT his hat back Frenchie.

9 11 2009
Jed Smith

Never. It was mine first. That fucker stole it in Tahiti, we all saw it, and we even brought attention to it in our terrible videos.

9 11 2009
Mark

Not to gargle Blasphemy Rottmouths scrotum or anything but let’s face it. B.R. is TWICE as funny as this Jed Smith homo. Hey Jed you look like you have probably grabbed one and growled a time or two. And bro it DOES count even if you a) didn’t make eye contact b) didn’t cuddle afterwards and c) needed the money really bad.

And what is up with Nug’s two BIG interviews he was Barishnikoving about the other day? Man PLEASE tell me those 2 bad boys are still in the oven.

And one more thing. Just in case any cops from Malibu read this garbage it was MIKE that spray painted the word ” Pelosi” on the wall at Malibu early Sunday morning after the House passed their version of the health care bill. I guess Miklos would be proud after all. Robbing from the rich and redistributing to others( mostly himself) was his trademark to begin with.

9 11 2009
Jack

http://www.aquabumps.com/2009/11/05/monotone-david-rastovich-transparentsea-bondi/

On this page you will find a photo of Jed surfing. He has about much chance of making that barrel as he does of fucking the models at Stabs office.

9 11 2009
Blasphemy Rottmouth

@Mark,

It’s spelled “P-U-S-S-Y,” not “P-E-L-O-S-I.”

9 11 2009
Blasphemy Rottmouth

Mark’s mother’s pelosi has inward-facing triangular teeth.

It’s true.

That’s why Mark was born with rake marks on the back of his head.

9 11 2009
The Nug

Apologies to Mark. The Sarah Palin interview fell through. I had a momentary lapse in editorial judgment but then remembered I do not interview retarded women. At least not ones over 25.

9 11 2009
Blasphemy Rottmouth

Mark’s mother’s pelosi’s so big and loose that it’s getting all of the government’s stimulus package.

9 11 2009
Mike

Gotta love having Mark around….. dude, just because I am not republican buffoon doesn’t mean I support conservative “liberals”. Turn Rush off and put out the spliff…. Failure to deliver 1st world health care universally is just another example that Money is winning against popular need. Campaign finance reform is America’s last hope.

Sorry Jack, but the photo of Jed is pretty cool, good positioning and has his rail drawn right. He’s not going to make it, but a noble try. There’s enough stuff to shoot at without creating another target. Looks like a fun arvo surf to me.

9 11 2009
Mike

@ Blasph…. how did you know about Mark’s “birthmark”? Couldn’t just be a stab in the dark…. Go under Hawaiian Water shots and pull up June at Ala Mo. You’ll find our dear friend’s pictures with his rake marks visible atop a balding head!

9 11 2009
trauzersnake

Based on the photo of Jed, what, with that hat and cape, and those glasses…he probably likes to wear the occasional cum-beard.

And it looks like he’s going to blow that barrel just like Kyle Orton just blew that pass

9 11 2009
Jack

Not saying it’s not a cool photo Mike. Was comparing the chances of him making it to those of him fucking any of the Stab models. Slim

9 11 2009
Mike

Spot on Jack…. Slim to none.

Also like how he talks tough, yet allows GT of all people to steal his hat! Chas Smith’s interpretation of a catfight!

10 11 2009
Arabian Goggle Factory

We want to hire Jed to be our new poster boy.

Thanks Trauzer for flaggin him for us (Trauzer’s post… classic)

10 11 2009
No Se

I think Sara Palin is hot as well as pretty sharp. Would have been better than looking at Joe Biden’s warped, plastic surgery riddled mug for 4 years.

10 11 2009
Mark

@ Mike

If we had campaign finance reform your beloved Obama would still be an insignificant senator from Illinois who votes “present” eighty percent of the time .

10 11 2009
Mike

@Mark

Do you ever think before you type? Is every waking thought of yours upside down? Are you capable of critical analysis?

Money owns our congress, the only way to win back our government is to limit the campaign spending of our politicians. Creates an equal playing field for any candidate without corporate influence and more importantly, MARK, negates the legislative influence of dirty Money during these politicians perpetual campaigns. It’s basically removing the inherent conflict of interest that has suffocated the people’s will.

Sarah Palin is neither hot or smart Mark. Snark, maybe. Better that people think you are fool than for you to open your mouth and confirm the now obvious.

What do you think of Jed Smith? Oh right, you don’t read.

Aloha Bammy.

10 11 2009
Ross Clarke Bones

Those who talk of politics must lead boring lives.

10 11 2009
Blasphemy Rottmouth

For Jed’s latest masterpiece, check out the annual party video over at Stab.

Warning: I take no personal responsibility for any ensuing seizures, panic attacks, violent vomiting, or extreme loss of brain matter upon witnessing that debacle. The clip reeks of a juvenile hall conjugal-visit room gone awry. If you value your soul, have eaten in the last 274 hours, or have an IQ above forty – then DO NOT subject yourself to watching ‘Idiocracy’ being fulfilled.

You will thank me.

I am pretty sure that the pure velocity and volume with which this crimson substance is gushing from my ears and nose, that I just had an aneurism.

For those that powered through it, I proffer this:

Be warned; if you can endure this whole assault you will be rewarded at the end (2:42 mark) by a bearded Neanderthal in a sailor’s cap with what is just about the creepiest 5 seconds on the internet. I am sure this face is the last thing several dozen hitchhikers have ever seen.

Too make everything easier on my palate, I close my eyes and imagine a different scene; one in which the Spawn of Cthulhu rises from stagnant water, and sprays everyone’s brains across the camera lens with a persimmon driver.

My world is so much nicer than the real one.

10 11 2009
Jed Smith

Does my silence infuriate you more, Blasphemy? Or is it that no one can hear you that really chafes?

10 11 2009
Blasphemy Rottmouth

Holy shit. I was always told that when someone farted in space, that no one else could hear it. Guess my pa was wrong.

I apologize for the smell Jed. Next time I’ll warn you.

10 11 2009
The Nug

If I bought Jed and Blasphemy a few shots of whiskey I am certain they would enjoy each others company. Positive. They might even drink each others blood and laugh.

10 11 2009
Blasphemy Rottmouth

@Nug,

If you buy the whiskey, I’ll sit down with anyone.

Except Mark mother. I’d have to sit on her lap because she takes up all the bar stools.

10 11 2009
trauzersnake

Speaking of bar stools (jed should love this one, maybe it can go un-moderated at stab)..how do you get four fags on one barstool? Flip it over!!oohhh!

I used to be funny. I don’t know what the hell happened.

10 11 2009
trauzersnake

What do you call two Irish homos?

Patrick fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick!!

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

10 11 2009
Arabian Goggle Factory

Trauzer…

Not sure that was the real trauzer….. “cum beard” is funny….

25 year old recycled jokes aren’t

10 11 2009
Fidel

@ Blashemy Rottmouth

If you are such a big shot makin big bucks with your wife then why would you jump so quick at some free whiskey ?

Mark was right. You are full of shit and are probably some pimple faced nerd from Alhambra that spanks it daily to the Broism section of Transworld Surf.

Kook!

10 11 2009
SmyrnaJeff

Mark is usually right. Except when it comes to S.E.C. football.

10 11 2009
Ba Ba Ba Ba Barbera Ann

How come that little slut Cali Girl never visits Nugable?

10 11 2009
Blasphemy Rottmouth

@Fidel,

I should spike your beer with 500mgs of DMT. You would see God, and your knuckle-draggery would retreat as you became a wandering homeless fuckwit.

If my tongue, like yours, looked like a turgid weasel prong, writhing about in the damp night air for forbidden rodent love, then I’d keep the mutherfucker in my mouth.

But, you’re right about everything else.

10 11 2009
Things that make me go Hmmmm

If Blasphemy Rottmouth is so fucking important then why does he spend all of his time talkin shit on some stupid ( yes Nug I said STUPID! ) surfing website?

Hmmmmmm.

10 11 2009
Marv Albert

@Things that Make You go Hmmmm,

You’re right. And if we continue to add comments as retarded as yours, we may soon meet Jed Smith’s approval.

Tally ho!

10 11 2009
Mike

Trauzer….. classic four fags story.

How do you get Chas Smith, Jed SMith, GT and Matt George on one barstool?!

Blasph, read Fidel, things that make you go Hmmmm and Smyrna…. you are a writer, what do you notice? The same sentence structure, rythym and reference to Mark. You’re being played by the lowest common denominator.

10 11 2009
trauzersnake

@mike

Conservatives aren’t always so bad…for example, I’d really like to fuck Carrie Prejean. And even though Mark is a glutton for our verbal jism, he is a funny motherfucker.

And what’s up with these dregs left on postsurf?? Like that kook world’s biggest dick? And voice of reality? I get pissed…like when Nick Saban threw that headset when Alabama had 12 men on the field on third and goal.

10 11 2009
Mark

@ Trauzersnake

Thanks. I think.

And I agree with you about that prick Voice of Reality. Who is that kook? He sounds strangely familiar but I can’t seem to put a name to the keyboard. Probably just another dirtbag left wing tree hugging prius driving Obama voting Pelosi worshipping hippy.

10 11 2009
Smelly Hybrid driving hippy dirtbags

@ Mark

We resent that remark!

10 11 2009
trauzersnake

Where the fuck is BR? Did he OD on avodart or something??

10 11 2009
Elwood

@ things that make me go hmmmm: hummmmm…. your wives vibrator as she rubs it on my taint. hummmmpth…. the sound of your doosh bottle when I wack it upside you head. Hmmmm… don’t think I’m gonna aim low for you bud.

Rewind: The church sign…. saw the flick…. got it, get it, good! Jordy is the mesiah and everyone else is unreal. With the ASP’s current format they couldn’t come close to compiling that footage from contests in the next 10 frickin years.

Speaking of the ASP, where’s Mailman?

10 11 2009
Mike

I think Voice of Reality is the smartest dude in the room, but thanks for the opinion Trauzer… you’re starting to read like Fidel.

Master of aliases, Lou Sabans bitch shows her true face.

10 11 2009
trauzersnake

So are you saying you wouldn’t fuck carrie prejean?

11 11 2009
Dave Mailman

Don’t worry Elwood et al, I am still here… I’ve just been trying to dedicate more time to my 9 month old daughter recently, instead of putting all of that energy into endless internet debates about ASP issues. Sometimes real life must take precedence over virtual reality.

11 11 2009
Elwood

Mailman…. you’re the man…. we’ll take ya whenever we can get ya.

Peace Out

11 11 2009
Mike

Dave Mailman….

Until you are ready to blow up the model, your “internet debates” are merely an exercise in circular logic…. all spun around the best corporate interest. Essentially, the most transparent waste of your time.

And let’s be real DM, 9 month olds sleep heaps….

Keep it real brother, bon jour.

12 11 2009
Occy's Mum

What kind of beautiful orifice is THIS? Greetings gentlemen. Nugable eh?

One helluva fucking interview. Jed, you’re as twisted as a man twice your age.

And Mark, for the love of Laird, could you please leave the CNN shit to…er, Fox?

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