Fantasy Surfer: Smiles Everyone…Smiles

5 11 2009
Fantasy Island Surfer

Joel "Mr. Roarke" Parkinson with sidekick Adriano "Tattoo" de Souza

Was there anyone cooler than Mr. Roarke? Of course Hemingway in his prime. In front of a typewriter…sipping wine. Writing about bullfighting. Maybe. Maybe Dali. Or Sinatra. Or Coltrane.

Mr. Roarke’s savory-smooth voice rolled its R’s like a powdered doughnut slowly spinning down a perfect ass. The back of the knee acting as a speed bump. Mr. Roarke made dreams come true on Fantasy Island. Anything your heart desires. Fleurdelis as the French say. Ricardo Montalban was a drug. Like ecstasy on your wedding day. He wore a white Tuxedo. The only straight men able to pull off the white tuxedo were Mr. Roarke and Sean Connery. If you’re wondering, Tattoo was gayer than a ship in a bottle.

…and then there’s Fantasy Surfer.

I’m not sure why I play Fantasy Surfer. I’ve never owned a set of 12-sided die. I’m not much of a video gamer. I got laid in high school. I have perfect vision in these blue water eyes. And if my vision did require glasses, I would opt for shades. The world is more bearable through polarized lenses. My favorite trilogy was Godfather not Star Wars, and I just became the last person on Earth to join Facebook.

The world can now blow up into a thousand atomic fireballs. We can now sit on lawn chairs and watch it all.

What is the reason for this update? Right now I sit at 182nd place (out of more than 17,000) in Fantasy Surfer. I am told that is pretty good. But I’m not sure. The guy who told me this wears glasses and rides a Firewire. I ride polyurethane. He quotes the Lord of the Rings. I quote Apocalypse Now. And Big Wednesday.—Nug




18 responses

5 11 2009
Nathan B Forrest

What the fuck is a 12 sided die? You must of been a geek if you know what it is! Nice post and I will say that the above pic is to scale as the little mexican, Tattoo’s head was larger than his WHITE BOSS’s head on the show. I’ll give you 4 out of 5 on the lynching scale! NBF

5 11 2009

“Tattoo was gayer than a ship in a bottle.’

I don’t care who you are. That right there was funny.

5 11 2009
Blasphemy Rottmouth

Kelly rolled the strawberry-flavored condom down his tumescence; then moved Mick over again before guiding his engorged phallus into his body.

Mick kissed Kelly’s taut nipples, rousing his passion all over again. He groaned with each inch that disappeared into the brown ring of pulsing flesh at the base of his abdomen. Once fully engulfed in his heat, Kelly began to move.



Pushing in further, deliciously, until the head of his throbbing unit pushed gently against Mick’s descending colon.

And that was the precise moment that Kelly’s previously hidden teste finally descended, flopping out onto the bed with a loud “PFFFWAP!” sound and accompanied by a smell that was an unholy combination of an egg salad sandwich fart and a queef that was belched from the sweaty nethers of Mark’s mother.

… ummmm, wait. Did I misunderstand this whole ‘Fantasy Surfer’ thingy?

5 11 2009
The Nug

No, your understanding couldn’t be more copacetic.

5 11 2009
Nathan B Forrest

@Blasph Umm could you please describe again but a little slower as I’m almost there…

5 11 2009

@BR… LMFAO!… in a while brotha!

5 11 2009

@ BR

I have decided to quit Nugable after that last comment. Good riddance fuckwits.

5 11 2009

BR’s fantasy is too close to home, eh Marky. Embrace your imagination like Nathan Forrest. Must be the real Mark because he’s in a quitting mood, or he doesn’t have enough privacy to rub one out.

5 11 2009

BR… that was MoFo’n classic…. I do question the attention to detail.

Nug… only a genius could put Parko & Adriano in Fantasy Island… keep it rolling.

FYI… I think Dora could pull off the white tux.

5 11 2009
The Nug

I’m astutely watching The Drifter on Hurley right now. Vegas has odds of me slitting my wrist at 2-1. They have Machado at even money.

5 11 2009
Blasphemy Rottmouth

I hear ya Nugs.

Alright. It don’t take no genius to admit that The Chob’s gots style. Like Lopez and the Ho’s. Like Burns. Like Archy.


But this movie is just plain ponderous.

I ain’t gots the time for dis shits mayne.

5 11 2009

While distracted surfers ponder the inherent conflict of a covert Nike sales campaign, an internal military tragedy innundates “news” coverage.

Call me a cynic, but doesn’t the military spin on the mental condition of the assailant seem out in front of the story? It just happened, yet a detailed profile of the suspects inherent psychological flaws is already reported as fact…. an amazing investigative timeline presented in real time as if it had been known. Seems like an archived contingency released.

Mob sells a dream Nike profits from, fairly transparent and Nug bites on the distraction while the real story is hidden by the eternal game of Money. Packaging a “drifter” gives the illusion of rogue individualism, allowed by generous beneficiaries who manage that impression.

As surfers, desert point legitimacy poses as acute validation… because we are all performance junkies. But the reality of the production suggests a hardly feral approach.

Find an elite surfer, place him in elite surf and allow the narrative to weave a fantasy of that lifestyle. Something the ASP has yet to discover on their “dream” tour.

Wonder how Mob feels about 3rd world slave labor…. your next interview Nug.

6 11 2009
Taj's Burro

The overwhelming opinion tonite was that The Drifter by Nike, starring Rob Machado was an absolute bore.

Semi documenting a surfer’s mid life crisis is no one’s idea of entertainment.

Mr Machado is the perfect future guest for an episode of Oprah.

6 11 2009
Fishing w/Brautigan

Ahhh, home at last. It was so cold out there!

My thoughts:
It was just a Movie. There are a million of them in the big city.
Rob got paid and got to surf which is good for him.
The crew got paid and got to travel which is good for them.
Some corporate executives got paid and got to travel, surf and eat which is good for them.
Otherwise nothing Earth shattering!
Just another Movie I will have forgotten by next week.

6 11 2009
Blasphemy Rottmouth

Note to entrepreneurial surf directors worldwide:

I will watch Rob Machado building a house; landscaping a yard; attending his first PTA meeting; making his first mortgage payment; paying off his first vehicle; or surfing Pipeline with three other blokes. Why? Because that is real.

Note to dogpiling, no-talent surf director’s:

Watching Mob’s hair throat pits in Indo, Hawaii, and Tim-buk-fucking-tu is not new… it’s not interesting… and it wastes that most precious commodity of all… oxygen. ‘The Drifter’ is like recycling clean fuel back into garbage. Fucking pointless.

I mean, let’s be real here… these surf movies are centuries behind anything modern. And yes, that means YOU, fucking ‘Mödern Cöllective.’


6 11 2009
Blasphemy Rottmouth

Hey Fishing w/ B,

Spot on. I pressed “submit” a few minutes too late.


…can we fuck?

6 11 2009

I’ll fuck you.

6 11 2009
Fishing w/Brautigan


I believe the gentleman asked me first!

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