The Day I Almost Became a Methodist

3 11 2009


Religion is a slow death that starts with lunacy and ends with disappointment.

Yesterday I decided to become a Methodist. Frankly, I didn’t know much about Methodism. Is that even a word? Methodism? It sounds funny. I know there’s a lot of Methodists in Texas and in eighth grade geography I learned its chief exports are steers and queers. But, I’ll bet you didn’t know George Lucas was a Methodist. Same with Jackie Robinson. And George W. Bush. And Hillary Clinton. Harry Reems from Debbie Does Dallas was a Methodist. But my favorite Methodist of all time has to be Hank Hill. So, I had a good feeling about all this.

I haven’t been to church in more than 20 years, probably because I’m a non-practicing agnostic. I did, however, attend Catholic school when I was in fourth grade. Sure, my older brother got us kicked out for selling weed, but that was a long time ago. Now, I imagine, every kid in Parochial school sells weed. I think it’s on the entrance exam.

Question #1 (Multiple Choice)
Do you sell weed?
A) Yes
B) No, but I’m willing to learn
C) How else do you think I can make it through an hour of theology
D) What was the question again?

Anyway, I needed a little direction in my life. I jumped in my car, reattached the Buddy Christ bobblehead on my dashboard and drove to the First United Methodist Church in Costa Mesa, California.

Boy, was I in for a surprise.

The address was literally 420 East 19th Street. Now we’re talking. Finally a religion I can embrace! This must be what Adam felt like when he found the Garden of Eden. I was so excited. This was fate. I was ready to bite the apple.

I entered the church and the pastor greeted me at the door. I took a good look around the joint, much like a bank robber right before he empties out the vault. There were crosses everywhere and old people. Really old people. And they were all praying. Where was all the weed? Where was the 20 foot statue of Jesus taking a bong hit? Where was the stained glass window of Cheech and Chong? Where were the hacky sacks? Where were the hippies? This was a blatant case of false advertising.

I had to get out of there…quickly. I ran as fast as I could to my car, hit the gas and popped in a Black Sabbath CD. I’ll never pull a stunt like that again.




10 responses

3 11 2009

This is a good line
“Religion is a slow death that starts with lunacy and ends with disappointment.”

3 11 2009
Salman Rushdie

I do not think it is wise to joke about religion.

3 11 2009

Green Pyramid in religion class, high school. I finally understood what the pedophile was “teaching” us. As the carpet danced and the walls breathed, I came to the conclusion that god chose really fucked up people to spread his word.

Thanks for the memories Nug…. too bad you got caught because Catholic School was a great marketing program for those of us produce brokers…

4 11 2009

Funny read Nug. Please reserve a spot in hell for me.

4 11 2009

Seems as if your Man Gravy is missing a chapter or two. That’s a shame. Luca was going to wear “the mask of ultimate humiliation.”

4 11 2009

Remember that line in Point Break? ” See ya in hell Johnny”?

Substitute Nug for Johnny.

4 11 2009
The Nug

Cockroach is a commenting legend. Hopefully we see more comments from him. Welcome Mr. Roach.

4 11 2009

Man, how come no one ever remembers ME, the Trauzer, from postsurf?? How about Sgt. Cock, or Allen Weisbecker’s rinkld nutsak?? C’mon man, where’s the love?!!!

4 11 2009
The Nug

I love you Trausersnake. Wait…that didn’t come out right.

4 11 2009

No, I think you were on topic Nug.

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