The Beautiful and the Damned: The Chas Smith Interview

26 10 2009

Chas Smith

Chas Smith is a freelance journalist who calls Los Angeles home. He is slim. What some would call a tall drink of water. He is lanky. Not as lanky as Luke Stedman, but lanky nevertheless. His right arm is covered in ink.

Chas has created a buzz with his updates from the European leg of the ASP World Tour. Some loath him. Others love him. His writing has appeared in Vice, Stab and virtually every surf publication on Earth. He may be the best surf journalist working today. The word journalist is used loosely. His writing style is refreshing and breezy. Like a BMW gliding down Pacific Coast Highway with its top down. He has a taste for the finer thinks in life. Think champagne and French linen. He shares the same Christian name, but he is the anti Bukowski.

Currently, he is in Portugal covering the Rip Curl Pro Search for Stab and Surfing Magazine. In between drinking fermented beverages and arm wrestling ASP CEO Brodie Carr he agreed to answer a few questions for Nugable.–Nug

Where did you grow up and what is your background?
I grew up in a backwater town on the Oregon coast. A shithole. I moved to LA as soon as I graduated from high school and studied linguistics. I can’t remember why. I think it was because I wanted to be in the CIA like my uncle. His son surfed well. Now his son is in jail for robbing banks.

When did you develop a love of the written word?
I didn’t know “love” of the written word until I read Derek Rielly’s eponymous “Derek Rielly presents: Erotic love poems.” It was a smaller book that didn’t do well in the mass market, but a copy found its way into my trembling hands. I still remember the lines. “Touch my body. Put me on the floor. Wrestle me around. Play with me some more.”

Your stories at Stab.com and Surfingthemag.com from the European leg are entertaining and refreshing, yet the powers that be are giving you flack for being a little “creative.” It’s not like you are kidnapping the Top 45, taking them to Ibiza and feeding them massive quantities of Ecstasy.
That should be the ASP’s job. I don’t have any sort of budget. But Brodie Carr does. And Dave Mailman has the vocal prowess to do the play by play. “Jordy is now grinding CJ real good and…oh, it looks like Damien is getting jealous. Jordy is looking on-form.” etc. etc.

What is the story with your investment banker that travels with you?
She works for the investment arm of a large international Spanish-based bank. She has a BMW. She leaves for Angola soon where she will sit on the board of a smaller, shadier, but far more interesting financial institution.

I asked Derek Rielly if you are a Beverly Hills Bukowski? He said Charlie is not, in any form, a Bukowski. Charlie is John Horne Burns, is Bret Easton Ellis, is F. Scott Fitzgerald. He is Candace Bushnell. Discuss.
Derek is right. I loathe Bukowski.

I have completed several interviews for Nugable, but have never asked anyone who their sponsors are or to give any shout-outs. Is this proof I am not as retarded as most surf writers?
I love Matt Biolos. He is not my sponsor, nor did you ask me to give a shout-out but I just do. He is on the right wing fringe. He is angry. He shapes beautiful little rocket ships.

You suggested that Kelly Slater is care free and successful because he dates an 11 year old. Is it irresponsible journalism to suggest he is surfing’s Roman Polanski? And will there be a Chinatown II?
Frankly I don’t know if there is such a thing as responsible journalism. And have you seen Kelly’s girl? If she is a day over 12 I am shocked.

You called Mick Fanning boring. What would you call Marlon Lipke?
German.

I would like to see Joel Parkinson win the world title, but his ankle injury might prevent this. Someone suggested you have special powers. If you deep throated Parko’s foot and ankle, would he then be healed and win the title?
Yes. And this is in the works.

How much is too much for a haircut? I heard you found a magnificent salon in Lisbon. Tell me about it.
It was the most magnificent. I think I paid 60 euros for my current cut. Too much? Maybe 300 dollars. Or 70 euros.

Finally, what will be etched on Charlie Smith’s tombstone?
I was your huckleberry.

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28 responses

26 10 2009
Jay

Great read nug. You continue to deliver the goods.

26 10 2009
Charlie's Etrade account.

Please call us immediately. You account seems to overdrawn.

26 10 2009
Dustin

Wow, that was harsh. Kelly’s girl doesn’t look that young.

26 10 2009
Douglas P.

Is that blood? Which Brazilian surfer did he kill? And if so I hope he claimed it.

26 10 2009
Mike

From a tiny office in suburbia, the nug pulls the interviews…. nice.

But do we “love the writing’ or are we so sick of the Ad campaign that anything without commercial purpose reads genuine.

And who cares what Kelly fucks unless it’s heats with a QS kid.

Then again, the Jordy and hobgood imagery will have Blasphemy musing all night long…… glad Davie the Mailman is there to deliver the story.

26 10 2009
Blasphemy Rottmouth

I too, grew up on the Oregon Coast.

Does that mean we’re both homose…

… naw. It couldn’t.

Could it?

26 10 2009
Kenny Dollars

Tame interview, will surely slip through the Stab readership’s pitchforks…Frankenstein had it better than Chas with that crowd. They slammed Billabong for putting on Mundaka, then crushed Chas when the Rip Curl boss sat him down, said he didn’t like his writing & told him “I’m not gonna tell you what to write”, 1O or more times! Sure he said Mick is boring, that got ’em going, but was there anything else to write about? The dream tour? Mick is one of the best surfers, Chas is the best writer… They both get the wild hoard going, its awesome. Stab is the ONLY blog that has comments that are funnier than the actual article…yet sneaker sets abound! Chas can take it, ’cause he “gets it”…lucky us.

26 10 2009
Mike

Nuggy, you’re killing it….. now you have a Stab wanker commenting! Kenny D’s tame take on your interview is a distraction from his corporate script, but didn’t Stab get silenced……

Or no, Stab suffocates their commenting with editing… so funny.

And Chas can “take it” because he’s gay and Kenny Dollars is infatuated with Smith’s new haircut.

Timmy Baker and Ridgeway are both in front of the Fanning boredom story, proactively….. Common nugget, connect the dots……..

26 10 2009
Mike

Seems like Stab still has server issues…. too bad, they’re so funnier.

26 10 2009
Demon

So did the two of you Homos exchange cock pics too??? I need copies! Seriously, another good job Nug.

26 10 2009
The Nug

I think it’s great the Stab readers are commenting. I enjoy those dirty little aussies more than most.

KennyDollars? I’ve had popcorn farts funnier and far more entertaining than anything Jed Smith writes. In Jed’s defense I kid him and popcorn farts can be extremely funny. Where have you been? Most of the time the comments are way funnier than the story….on any surfing site.

26 10 2009
Kenny Dollars

You are The Nug, you must be right… where have I been? To school

26 10 2009
The Nug

Thanks to Sharpy for posting this link over at Stab of the arm wrestling match between Chas and Brodie Carr….

http://www.slidemag.co.uk/2009/10/actual-waves-for-a-euro-leg-event-shocker.html

26 10 2009
Blasphemy Rottmouth

Stab commentary was funny for about fifteen minutes, when most of the PostSurf crew carpet bombed their site.

Once they pulled out the vaunted censorship weapon, it went back to being a whipping post for illiterate pig-fuckers.

That, or their comments section may be the result of someone painstakingly teaching a baboon to communicate via keyboard, then injecting it with rabies.

It is a think of dark beauty, like the crazed bellows of a wild-eyed stag trying to mount a rutting doe while being shot in the ass repeatedly by a fat kid with a BB gun and an erection… or perhaps the frenzied slappings of a live carp thrown into a bucket of Jolt Cola.

That, or one of Jed Smith’s boys can read at a 3rd grade level and navigate the interwebs and The Google.

Fascinating.

26 10 2009
Blasphemy Rottmouth

A Jordy and Hobgood wrasselin’ match would sound like a hair net filled with writhing minnows being repeatedly slapped against a fencepost made of potted meat, while the night air was puncuated by the sounds of castrated banshees bellowing from the caves in the badlands of Baja California.

Or, something like that.

26 10 2009
Blasphemy Rottmouth

A cock spar between Jordy and Damo would sound like two enraged Eskimos pillowfighting with sacks of Narwhale blubber.

26 10 2009
Aussie Wanker

What is a Blasphemy Rottmouth? And is it retarded?

26 10 2009
Mark

Chas looks like a blond haired Stuart Bedford-Brown.

26 10 2009
The Man

Is nug talking shit? For my money you are the funniest surf writer going. That Rip Curl Search Huntington piece was amazing. I like how you mix it up with “serious writing” and satire. Keep em coming.

26 10 2009
Blasphemy Rottmouth

@Oz Wanker,

A Blasphemy Rottmouth goes by another pair of words that may be easier for you to pronounce:

“your daddy.”

That rush of air you just heard?

Your water wings being punctured as you careen into the deep end.

26 10 2009
Aussie Wanker

@ Blaphemy
Like most Aussies my father was retarded, so that makes sense.

26 10 2009
Blasphemy Rottmouth

@Oz Wanker,

It’s okay, I actually have nothing against Ozzies. Other that the fact that you people all look the same. And I hate most Americans as well.

I’m an equal opportunity hater.

Except for Mark’s mother. There is absolutely nothing to hate about that sizeable woman.

26 10 2009
Mr. Toad's Wild Ride

Charles Smith is good?

Lewis Samuels is better!

Brodie Carr is a butt plug…

27 10 2009
Marv Albert

Chas has wormholed his way into our subconscious with his nostalgic prose and candid wit. He should be celebrated, rather than derided, in this age of sheep herding. I enjoy every word his massive jawline drips onto paper. Parlaying his wife into the investment banker role was poignant and intriguing to those who don’t have wives.

Unfortunately, I am married.

That said, the dude is jackhammering the tragically-hip scales with his anime knock-off hair and winning the metrosexual battle against everything the More Core Division stood for. Which, isn’t so bad in hind-sight. Pikachu, cocksucker!

Seriously though, may his metrosexual ferret’s hairstyle live through the mauling of another stylist’s epileptic fit. And by all means, add some additional ink to those spindly arms. The earth will one day bleed those same colors through her prolapsed anus and into the lulling swamps of the South-Pacific. Shoot, Rasta’s corpse may even resurrect itself as a cannibalistic cabbage just to exact his righteous revenge.

I guess, what I’m saying is, dude… relax. You don’t have to do some crazy shit like removing a 13th rib to gratify your own cock. You’re gifted… no doubt. And by ‘gifted,’ I mean you are doing a splendid job of autofellatio with each subsequent article and interview.

Your friend and admirer,

Marvin.

27 10 2009
Marv Albert

Now, excuse me while I plug my butthole with cork and gauze pads… for I fear Chas’s retort like a poodle that just ate his master’s Sunday comics section.

27 10 2009
The Nug

With the world title on the line Parko absolutely crushed it.

Fuel is running a true HD webcast once again.

http://www.fuel.tv/ripcurlprosearch

27 10 2009
bucaneer

I dont know about that Nug.Parko did not really beat Otten. But the asp has their bullshit script all ready written.

27 10 2009
Mike

Didn’t Marv Albert lose his “wife” when he got caught in a french maid outfit with a naked, black basketball player…. biting the guy in the back (?) while they double teamed some masterbation conduit (girl). I thought it was balls out to return to interviewing black basketball players, but to start commenting on surfing…. well the dude is just shameless.

Must be after Jordy, Marv…. he does like the alternative orafices.

Have to agree with his eminence, BR, the post surf refugees did a number on Stab and I think the editing began as an attempt to dumb down the posts enough so that Aussie Wanker could understand them. Not big of school down there, you know.

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