Ask the Nug Volume 1

4 09 2009
Jonauskas Brothers

The Jonauskas Brothers Make a Mean Power Trio.

A little more than a month ago, I started this blog on a whim. The response has been great. It’s catching on pretty quickly and I’ve been getting a lot of good feedback. (Well, some good and some bad). With practically no promotion, I’ve gained a lot of readers. Traffic is increasing every day. Today I  launch a reoccurring feature called “Ask the Nug.” I have been told I give pretty good advice. If you have a question for future installments, email me at nugable@gmail.com.

What’s with surfers always trying to be musicians?
–Mike, San Clemente, Ca

Good question. Every professional surfer seems to be in a band now. Who could forget the Peter King, Rob Macahdo, Kelly Slater train wreck? Ozzie Wright has the “Goons of Doom.” Tim Curran dropped out of the ’CT to grow out his hair and become a musician. Makua Rothman, Occy, Tom Curren, Donovan…the list goes on. What are they thinking? Do they wake up and say to themselves “you know I’m only getting laid three times a day. If I start a band I can double that number.” I blame Jack Johnson. The fucker.

Please rank these guys in order of lameness: Stand-up paddleboard guy, dick drager guy (boogie boarder), half-man-kneeboard guy (are these guys still around?), over-50-longboarder guy and skimboarder guy. Thanks in advance for your timely answer.
–Rollerbladerguy, Aliso Viejo, Ca

1. Over 50 longboarder guy
Actually, the only true surfer on the list. I respect the older longboarder. Dale Velzy shaped my first custom board. I was about 14. He was well into his 60s, but he still had it. Later, I was told it was the second shortboard he ever shaped.
2. Half-man kneeboard guy
I have a friend named Barry who rips on a kneeboard. You’re correct, not many of these guys around. I’ve always wondered how Billabong Odyssey’s Bill Sharp does tow-ins on a kneeboard.
3. Skimboarder guy
The Inland Empires equivalent to being a surfer. Flat-billed caps, plenty of tattoos and the latest 80-dollar trunks are a must.
4. Stand-up paddle board guy
I struggled with this one, but in the end they are a hair ahead of boogie boarders on the lameness scale.
5. Dick drager guy (boogie boarder)
If you are older than 12 and are not Mike Stewart you have no business riding one of those things. Stand up and grow up.

When I’m driving down to my local surf spot, occasionally I’ll see a hub cap by the side of the road, thoughtfully propped up against a post or fence so the owner might retrieve it. This strikes me as odd, because generally humans hate each other on the road, yet it seems the mere sight of a hub cap melts our hearts and strikes a note of altruistic brotherhood and consideration. What gives?
–Gra Murdoch of universally loathed Inside The Goldmine blog, Australia
The little things make life enjoyable. I have not witnessed this hub cap phenomenon, but I live in Orange County where everyone drives an SUV or BMW. Not too many hub caps. I was this close to giving up on humanity, but you turned me. Thanks Gra.

You were pretty harsh on both Transworld Surf and ESPN Surfing? Did you receive any feedback from them?
–Taylor, Newport Beach, Ca

No, but a friend from journalism school works as a war correspondent. He swears the number-one rule in covering a war is checking the undercarriage of you ride for bombs. Along with my coffee and morning dump, I have made this my new morning ritual.

I have been surfing for 25 years. Why do I still suck?
-Michael, The hills above San Clemente, Ca

That’s a good question. Try smoking weed before your session. If that doesn’t work, buy a longboard and just cruise. George Greenough once said, “surfing’s not about what’s looks cool. It about what feels cool.”

The California State Parks system recently began charging $15 a pop at the “free” lot near Trestles. Is this a sign of the apocalypse?
–Mark, Dana Point, Ca

Sort of. According to ancient lore, the first sign of the apocalypse was the election of a former Austrian bodybuilder as California’s governor. The second sign is the Gudauskas brothers forming a power trio and kicking off a world tour. When this happens–and it will. Run for the hills.

I love the site Nug. I also dig Lewis Samuel’s Postsurf.com. You two should get together and start a magazine, perhaps an American version of Stab…kind of a Big Brother-meets-Stab-meets-Vice-meets-Surfer. It would put the  American surf mags to shame.
–James, Hilo, Hawaii
In a better economy that might not be a bad idea. The first issue would be thicker than a Tolstoy novel and we’d dub it the “Green Issue.”

Fantasy Surfer question. I’m thinking about dropping Dane Reynolds from my team. What do you think?
–JB, Miami, Fla
I think you need a girlfriend or a drug habit that will waste your time in a more productive manner. I’d keep Dane. He’s on bit of a roll after JBay and I predict no less than a top-5 finish at Trestles.

Why are shapers so under-appreciated by the industry?
–Barry, Huntington Beach, Ca
There is a rigid, under-publicized rule in the surf industry. It has been studied by both Madison Avenue advertising execs and Harvard MBA’s. If you want to go broke, become a shaper. If you want to make millions, design size medium T-shirts for surf hipsters.

Last night I had a dream I was surfing naked with Alana Blanchard. I woke up in a pool or sweat and urine. That’s the last time I drink Primo beer on peyote. I guess it could have been a lot worse. Should I be worried?
–Kai-boy, Ewa Beach

No. Frankly, I’m envious. Carry on.

I was wondering how Layne Beachley’s mountain oysters taste? Are they salty?
–Fine dining coinsurer, The Big Island

They are an acquired taste for sure and hard to find. You can get them in fine Sydney restaurants and northern California Trader Joes locations. Garish with wasabi and chase with a glass of organic milk.

As I lay here in my coffin, awaiting the darkness of night to wake me from my slumber, I ponder a simple question: There are ways that disparate cultures share common mythologies. For instance, the Hercules + Samson + Gilgamesh stories illustrate an assumed common point of origin. With this thought in mind, how much blame would you lay at the feet of ubiquitous Frieda Zamba, and her lumbering, frozen-hinged juggernaut of a half-sister, Wendy Botha, for the common strains of rigimortal surfing that are consistent among the current mall-grade (technically speaking) female surfers and other semi-hot female surfers, all across the globe? Nowadays, these kittens are a dime-a-dozen. Sure, Bruna Schmitz and Alana can feign tail slides and 3” aerials in shoulder-high swell; but stick a cock betwixt their legs, and suddenly, they’re just your average Brazo whitewater warriors. Do we dig deeper for the core? Lisa Anderson? Jericho? Rell Sun?
–Blasphemy Rottmouth, California

The woman’s surfing fan is a near-extinct crustacean that can be found clinging to piers in Huntington, Oceanside and Flagler Beach. Although I’m not entirely sure what you are asking, I do know that style is the most overlooked element of competitive surfing. Women’s style has come a long way. Just not far enough. But, I digress. Men’s surfing is lacking style as well. Brazilian style, for instance, can be traced back to 1988 when the only available surf video in Florianopolis was Blazing Boards on VHS. Regrettably, Brazos were forced to mimic the Tai Chi hand moments of Mr. Gary “Kong” Elkerton. He looked like he should be chopping steak at Benihana, not dropping in at Sunset.

Would you say this is a fair analogy?  Kelly Slater is the USC football of surfers, consistently dominant…where as Laird Hamilton is the Notre Dame of surfing, you know, well past his prime and basically a novelty act which is only relevant because of the media at this point.
–Mai-Tai’s 4 all my friends, HB, Ca

To borrow a phrase from Bill Simmons…“Searching for a response.”

I’m a young ripper who surfs Trestles everyday, but I’m having a hard time getting noticed. I remember Christian Fletcher used to wear fluorescent Lanty westsuits to get attention at Lowers. So, I came up with a plan. I’m going to cut out the ass on my old fullsuit to make it look like a pair of ass-less chaps. I should be a part of the Modern Collective in no time. Thoughts?
–Little Ripper, Oceanside, Ca

Yes. It’s this kind of genuine ingenuity that makes surfers relevant. I say go for it. But, don’t drop the wax.

Advertisements

Actions

Information

3 responses

4 09 2009
JB

That is one funny pic. The Gudauskas brothers look kind of sexy in skinny jeans.

4 09 2009
Blasphemy Rottmouth

Lol @ the picture.

There may have been some libations involved in my question. I really need to stop drinking…

… before 9am.

Cheers!

4 09 2009
The Nug

Br, like Easy-E said…

Woke up quick, at about noon,
Just thought that i had to be in Compton soon.
I gotta get drunk, before the day begins,
Before my Mom starts bitchin’ about my friends.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s




%d bloggers like this: