Decadence and Debauchery–The Derek Rielly Interview

1 09 2009

Champagne wishes and chronic dreams.

Australians are mad about their surfing. If Kelly Slater grew up in Australia he would be Prime Minster, or at the very least dating his daughter. In America, the mainstream media pigeonholes him as the kid who was on Baywatch and the surfer who occasionally bangs supermodels. In Australia surfers are sporting elite. Occy is national hero. Contests are broadcast live on major networks. It’s serious business. More of a national sport than a pastime. Stab Magazine founder and editor, Derek Rielly, is the antithesis to surfing’s idol worship. If Surfer Magazine is the Bible of the sport Stab just may be its Anarchist Cookbook.

Reilly cut his editorial teeth at Australia’s Surfing Life in the late ’90s. “My achievements were many and varied,” he wrote of his ASL days on Likebitchin.com. “I shat on the office floor during biz hours, introduced eight staff members to ecstasy and made an early mentor eternally regretful that he ever showed me how to use a comma.” Decadence and debauchery come to mind. A perfect subject for a Nugable interview, Rielly agreed to answer a few questions.

Tell me about your background and how Stab Magazine came to fruition?
I began my working life as a blackjack dealer after two years of unemployment. I suffer a mild cerebral palsy and this makes me difficult to hire after a face-to-face interview. My technical Mongolism and my not-that-secret opportunistic homosexuality apparently made me a perfect fit for ASL. I worked there for eight-and-a-half years, mentored for five of those by Tim Baker. He recently wrote that he “eternally regrets” teaching me. I found this unkind and hurtful, although it doesn’t lessen the respect I feel for Tim.

Stab recently selected the winners for Little Weeds. Explain the contest to those who may be foreign to the concept.
Magazine seeks cheap labor. Will dole out crappy prizes in return for brilliant, inspired work.

What are the differences between American surf mags and Australian ones?
It’s like asking the difference between German motor vehicles and those from Korea. The Americans produce slick, often flawless, rides; the Australian version is ugly and prone to breakdowns.

What do you love about surfing?
The feeling of power and arrogance and sexy.

What do you hate about surfing?
That everyone needs to talk about it so much.

I once mused if Jews controlled women’s surfing we’d probably see a lot of menorah on labia minora action. What would happen if gays controlled men’s surfing?
Blowjobs on demand, hairless bodies, multiple sex partners in a day.

America’s cultural gifts to the world include jazz, fast food, rock and roll, and stupid, fat white people. What are Australia‘s cultural gifts?
Bad cinema, worse music, excellent Chinese food.

Are Americans and Australians really that different? We were both spawned by Puritan English pricks who nearly wiped out an entire indigenous people. Can’t we bond on that alone?
Victorian England, the era that shipped convicts to Australia, was anything but puritan. Whores roamed the alleys and cocaine was on the tip of everyone’s beak. Australia is closer to France: secular, lazy, good beachbreaks.–Nug

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