The Top Fucking 5 Hollywood Surf Films

14 08 2009

Big_Wednesday

Editors Note: This is the first installment of the Top Fucking 5. I’m sure there will be more. Last week I touched on the subject in the post Nobody Listens to Turtle. Today I tackle the genre of the Hollywood surf film in greater depth.

5. In God’s Hands
Written by Matt George and Zalman King, who is better known for his soft-core porn series Red Shoe Diaries, the inclusion of this abortion of a film is charity at best. Frankly, it just made the list for the simple fact it must have been excruciatingly painful for Matt George to shave his head for the role. Favorite line: “Did you know that salt water is most closely related to human blood, and you know what that reminds me of? Our own essence gentlemen.” Now THAT’S writing.

4. Point Break
I once saw Keanu Reeves at a Fugazi show in Hollywood. He looked like a homeless guy. My buddy didn’t recognize him and told him “you look that shitty actor from the Matrix.” He laughed and bought him a drink. It’s a little known fact Matt Archbold did the stunt surfing for Patrick Swayze’s character. Favorite Line: “Listen you snot-nose little shit, I was takin’ shrapnel in Khe Sanh when you were crappin’ in your hands and rubbin’ it on your face.” Oh that Gary Busey.

3. Blue Crush
This film put female surfing on the map, so to speak. Big wave rider Noah Johnson wore a bikini and blond wig to stunt-surf for Kate Bosworth’s role. The film was horrible. That is all I have to say. Favorite line from surf photographer Todd Messick: “Does she know she just lost?”

2. North Shore
The film was Occy’s comedic coming out party. Along with Turtle and Robbie Page, his scenes are the most memorable. Who could forget Page dancing in a tutu at the Halloween party or Turtle’s almost genuine haloe pigeon? Favorite line: “Don’t even touch Barno. That rhyno-chaser don’t need no big haole hand print messin’ up its whole trip.”

1. Big Wednesday
The Apocalypse Now of the genre. The film is loosely based on director John Milius’ youth in Malibu. The narration, done by Robert Englund of Freddy Krueger fame, always gave me a warm, tingling sensation…like an old friend talking surf by a campfire. Favorite Line: “He aint no hodad squidlips! That’s Matt Johnson.” Enjoy the opening credits below. Ah, memories.

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7 responses

14 08 2009
muke

What kind of dick insults Keanu Reeves while he’s out just trying to relax, have a drink and take in some punk rock?

14 08 2009
James Jr.

I’m guessing Bra-Boys gets a honorable mention? In my opinion (I can’t bring myself to write IMO) its the best surf movie ever.

14 08 2009
The Nug

@James Jr.
Although you may be right, I consider Bra Boys as more of a documentary.

14 08 2009
James Jr.

I see
I stand corrected
Great documentry!

15 08 2009
gra

…be warned though Nug, this list might have to change in a year or two… cos word is Miley Cyrus is in talks with a studio for a remake of Gidget… lord give us strength!

15 08 2009
Blasphemy Rottmouth

‘Sup Nug. Fugazi is; was; and always will be: The Shit.

So will Bill Hicks.

‘Nuff said.

Peace Out.

15 08 2009
Mark

I heard that Cosmic Banditos is in production. But the film is never better than the book. Hollywood will probably fuck that one up too.

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