The All-Fat All Stars of Surfing

11 08 2009

Allfat

Recently World Pro Surfers, along with Hurley, had and online contest for fans to vote for the WPS All Stars. The winners surfed an expression session during the US Open. What sounded like a good idea turned out to be somewhat anti-climatic. Rumors are circulating the WPS plans to have a similar event soon, but I’ve decided to take the bull and run with it.

Nugable, in conjunction with the WPS, presents the first-ever WPS All Stars Fat Edition.

Peterson Rosa
He may be better known for his stinkbug stance and the audacity to claim any maneuver. One time he farted in the hot tub before his heat, claimed it and the Brazilian judge gave him an 8.5. At his peak I believe he was 4’11’’ and 200 pounds.

Andy Irons
We all know he’s a three-time world champ and he can flat out surf with the best of them, but last year he ballooned up really nice. If Andy was in the Donner Party at that weight everyone would have survived.

Mick Lowe
He’s the only Australian on the list. I think it’s something in the water on the Australian continent, but they just don’t produce many fat people. It’s like the anti-America. Do they have fast food restaurants in Down Under? I’m not so sure. But if they do you can bet your ass Mick Lowe has them all on his GPS.

Bud Llamas
Known more for his late night antics than his surfing, Bud Llamas would be at the top of any list of this nature. I will give him this. He did beat Tom Curren at a final of a PSAA event at Churches in the mid-80s. His signature moves were double pump bottom turns, double pump tequila shots and layback snaps.

Benji Weatherly
Another good chubby guy. Rumor has it when Taylor Steele developed the concept for the Drive-Thru series Benji thought they were going to travel across California to find the best cheeseburger. I wish his wetsuit sponsor would make him wear a white wetsuit, because he would be a dead ringer for the Pillsbury Doughboy. He can still surf and makes the Drive-Thrus worth watching.

Cheyne Magnusson
Holy shit! Have you seen the Body Glove ad in the August edition Surfer Mag? Cheyne looks like a pregnant squid with a bleached Ringo Star wig.

Greg Noll
You don’t get a nickname like “The Bull” without being a little on the portly side. A true legend and recently named as one of the Top 50 Surfers of all time.

Peter King
What ever happened to Peter King? I swear Slater and Machado just let him in their band, The Surfers, so they would look better on stage. It’s a neat little trick they stole from the plus-size community. Fat people usually hang out with fatter people so they look relatively skinny. Too bad it backfired. It’s a well known fact that when Machado stood next to King on stage he was practically invisible.

Honorable mention:
Johnny Boy Gomes
Chuy Reyna
Ian Cairns

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6 responses

11 08 2009
Not impressed

Don’t forget the patented Bud Llamas double lipper, a.k.a, “the windshield wiper”

11 08 2009
muke

Sorry forgot to change my name from “not impressed” from that time I was mocking “not impressed”

11 08 2009
Gabe Kling

I demand a recount. I’m cleary the fattest surfer on tour.

11 08 2009
Kev

No Kekoa Bacalso? Was this rigged by Hurley too? How in the hell did Yadin Nicol and Machodo make that thing?

28 08 2009
Jimmicane

You’re missing quite a few here. Shawn Briley first and foremost. How could he be forgotten? Kekoa Bacalso. Bud Frietas. Eric Taylor has packed it on a bit. Kai Barger. And Derek Landri, a defensive tackle for the Jacksonville Jaguars apparently surfs.

28 08 2009
The Nug

Yes. How could I forget Briley and Kekoa. Work in progress I suppose. Yes, I believe Landri grew up it he Bay Area and went to Notre Dame.

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