Nobody Listens to Turtle

5 08 2009


“No one who wants to make a movie out of my book is smart enough to get it done.” 
That’s what author Allan Weisbecker said in his memoir about his experience with Hollywood producers and directors after his book “Cosmic Banditos” was optioned by John Cusack. Ninety percent of the time anything surfing related that Hollywood gets it greedy little fingers on immediately turns to shit. Believe me. I’ve done the research.

Out of pure luck the “North Shore” became a classic Hollywood surf film. Now I realize the competition for classic “Hollywood surf films” is…well… a little flaccid, but “North Shore” is near the top of the list. In this genre we have “Blue Crush,” “Point Break,” “In God’s Hands” and more recently the straight-to-DVD-Matthew McConaughey vehicle, “Surfer Dude.” I consider “Big Wednesday,”  the “Apocalypse Now” of the genre, which has a nice little surfing subplot of its own.

Here is the plot summary according to Wikipedia… Rick Kane, approximately 18 years of age, having just graduated high school, uses his winnings from a wave tank surfing contest in his native state of Arizona to fly to Hawaii the summer before the start of college to try and become a professional surfer. Surprisingly, the rewatchability factor is off the charts.

As a grom I knew all the lines in “North Shore.” In fact, I still remember a lot of them. For fun, I’ve taken my favorite quotes from the 1987 cult surfing classic and matched them with present-day surf industry players.

9. Nobody Listens to Turtle
Bede Durbidge. Bede needs an image makeover. He needs to beat up a girl, develop a drug habit or get some DUIs. Stat! Shoot yourself in the leg or something. Build up that street cred…you know? Bede finished second in the WCT rankings last year. SECOND! This guy is a competitive machine and has been shunned by the elite surf companies. Plus he kind of has that Turtle-eqsue blond, mop top going for him. Hence, nobody listens to Bede.  

 8. So this is where you work Turtle? Only when da surf’s bad, Barney. Cause’ when da surf’s good, nobody works!
The city of San Clemente. Let’s face it nobody works when there’s a swell and this is especially true for this costal town at the lower end of Orange County. During my last surf down there I wondered if anyone worked at all. You have to love the eclectic demographics of San Clemente–tweakers, surfers, Marines, Mexican immigrants and retirees living peacefully in one big melting pot.

7. You J.O.J? Just off the Jet.
Dane Reynolds. Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not challenging the kid’s talent, but the fact is he was born in Bakersfield. The demographics of Bakersfield are as close as you can get to the Arizona wave tank where Rick Kane honed his Pipeline skills.

6. He so haole he don’t even know he haole.
Laird Hamilton. Let’s face it “Lance Burkhart” rips. He’s probably one of the most respected surfers of his generation, but he is still a transplant.  Sorry Laird. Even if you studied tanning tips from George Hamiliton (and you just might), you’d still be a haole.

5. Don’t even touch Barno. That rhyno-chaser don’t need no big haole hand print messin’ up its whole trip.
Kelly Slater. The 9-time world champ has been shaping and designing his boards for a while now and it’s created quite the buzz, but that door I saw him riding on Sports Illustrated clearly need the rails tucked in a bit.

4. That’s not a wave. It’s a ripple. I’ve seen bigger waves in a toilet.
The surfers slogging away on the WQS tour. Man I feel for you guys…traveling the world surfing spots regular Joes will only read about. While we’re stuck at some desk with flourecent lighting they’re dabbling in French wine, Brazilian ass and Thai shemales. The Horror!

3. When da wave be here, don’t be there!
Jihad Khodr for his effort at Teahupo’o every year. Power Rankings writer Lewis Samuels said this about Jihad’s performance at Chopes…”Seriously, I think Jihad’s caddy sat deeper than him…  Rabbit was overheard describing Khodr’s performance as ‘embarrassing.’” The only thing that changed is that this year Jihad improved his average wave score to 2.39 points, and Rabbit wasn’t there.” If Danny Noonan gets a wildcard next year he’d probably beat him.

2. Here on the North Shore we treat friends mo better.
Joel Parkinson. Let’s say Kelly racks up a few wins in Europe or perhaps CJ Hobgood or Taj Burrow goes on a tear and the WCT race gets a little tighter. Will the Hawaiians take it easy on Joel and let him skate easily through heats? My guess is no. The WCT has gotten too friendly lately. I want to see some blood. I want to see fights, cursing at the judges, broken beer bottles and drugs. Damn, I miss the pro surfing in the ’80s.  

1. Scrub it Kook!
Dave Stanfield, ASP announcer. I’m pretty sure I’m going to hell when I die and when I get there I’m certain Dave Stanfield will be announcing Los Angeles Dodgers games in place of Vin Scully. I guess it could be worse. Yes, I’m talking to you Rockin’ Fig. While we’re on the subject of announcers, does Fuel TV’s Brent Ringenbach have pornographic images of one of the VP’s at Fox? That would be the only feasible explanation for Brent still having a job.




3 responses

5 08 2009
Hans Hedeman

Come to think of it I have never seen Laird and George Hamiliton in the same place.

5 08 2009

You forgot to mention GT from the Billibong events. Worst annoucer out there. He’s part Jeff Spicoli and part Orange County Mongloid.

14 08 2009
The Top Fucking 5 Hollywood Surf Films « Nugable

[…] of the Top Fucking 5. I’m sure there will be more. Last week I touched on the subject in the post Nobody Listens to Turtle. Today I tackle the genre of the Hollywood surf film in greater […]

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