The New Wave of Surfing­—RoboSlater

31 07 2009


With all the hype surrounding a possible second elite surfing tour set to debut next year, Japanese engineers have been quietly developing a secret weapon that is sure to create controversy in the surf industry.

A source speaking on the condition of anonymity agreed to talk with about the rumors.

“It’s true,” the surfing ‘Deep Throat’ said. “Japanese scientists have created a robotic surfer that will debut on the new tour in 2010. They have been working on this robot for the past two years. The thing is the real deal. It’s actually a human-robot hybrid. They took stem cells from Kelly Slater’s umbilical cord, which had been on ice for the past 37 years and blended it with some super-secret substance developed by NASA and Nike.”

Quiksilver CEO Bob McKnight has embraced this new breed of surfer and says he’ll give it full backing for the 2010 campaign.

“We all know Kelly won’t be able to compete forever,” said McKnight. “And Dane?…please. He’s probably the best surfer in the world, but he just doesn’t have that… you know…competitive fire. He’ll probably be on some island in Indo doing peyote with Gerry Lopez and Carlos Castaneda by years end.

Many industry leaders think this undermines everything surfing stands for. Billabong CEO Paul Naude says surfers are humans and it should stay that way. “Robots can’t buy boardshorts. Robots don’t watch Billabong-sponsored contests. I’m a purist. That’s why we sponsor Andy Irons.”

Sam George, the self-proclaimed greatest surfing writer of all time, said this is a natural transition and he’s not surprised. “Surfing goes through cyclical changes. Redwood gave way to polyurethane boards, then epoxy. It’s kind of like that. How does my hair look?”

Many WCT surfers are confused about the situation and wondered how this will affect the sport.

For instance Kekoa Bacalso wondered “how is the robot going drink a twelve pack of Primo and scarf down a Happy Meal before his heat?”

Jordy Smith wondered if the thing was anatomically correct down there. “Sorry Bru. Unless this thing is female and over 40 I’m not interested.”

Joel Parkinson seemed unfazed. “Mate…I’m so far in the lead this doesn’t even matter. Good luck I say. No worries here.”

“Big fucking deal,” Darryl “Flea” Virostko said. “Robot scmobot. Let’s see that tin can drop a hit of acid and surf Mavericks on a 20-foot day. Then I’ll be impressed.”




4 responses

31 07 2009

Thinking out loud here. Does Kelly’s umbilical cord have a double swivel? I’d hate too see it get tangeled or break. Break? Who Am I kidding? It’s not like OAM made the cord. Should be fairly sturdy.

31 07 2009
Nobody listens to Turtle

ASL has a good story about the so called new Tour.

31 07 2009
The Right Coast

Who writes this garbage. Ill admit this was prt was pretty funny though
“I’m a purist. That’s why we sponsor Andy Irons.”

14 10 2015

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