Michel de Nostredame, also known as Nostradamus, was born in 1503 and was a French apothecary and reputed seer whose prophecies have been analysed and debated for centuries. Many give him credit for predicting the rise of Hitler and Napoleon, 9/11, both world wars, and the nuclear destruction of Hiroshima and Nagasaki.
Like most seers, Nostradamus was vague in his writings. His “success” was essentially based on misinterpretation and his reputation as a prophet is largely manufactured by modern-day supporters. Well, I don’t play that game. I’m a little more direct. I tell it like it is.
The Surfing Prophecies for 2010 are as follows:
-The Rebel Tour will not get off the ground in 2010. It will be shut down like Robert E. Lee at Gettysburg.
-CJ Hobgood will enroll in night school classes and learn to read and write. Sadly, all this new knowledge won’t make him any more interesting.
-The ASP will finally have a legitimate all-star event. Why not? Every major sport has one. And I’m not talking about a contest like the WPS All Stars held at Huntington during the U.S. Open. Half of the field consisted of Hurley surfers. That was a joke really. Do it right. Take the top 10 and have an online vote for an additional six surfers and send them to Tavarua or the Mentawais.
-Dane Reynolds will win his first WCT event in 2010 and finish in the top 5 in the final rankings. It might be at the Gold Coast or Bells, but it will most likely be at Trestles. He will also write a book titled “Playing the ASP Drunk Like a Percussion Instrument Until the Fingers Begin to Bleed a Bit.”
-Kelly Slater will not win his 10th world title. In fact, he won’t compete full-time. I put the over/under on the number of WCT contests he surfs at 4.5.
-Joel Parkinson will win the ASP World Championship. Mick Fanning will finish second and Bede Durbidge will drop out of the top 5 but stay in the top 10. After the one-year layoff, Andy Irons will struggle to stay in the top 32 but just make the cut. Owen Wright will not only win rookie of the year, but he’ll finish in the top 12. Out of the 15 WQS qualifiers only Dusty Payne, Brett Simpson and Wright will make the cut.
-Being conservative will be the norm rather than progression. With less spots on the CT (32 instead of 44) risk taking will take a back seat.
-A wetsuit manufacturer will finally realize it might be a good idea to make booties in half sizes.
- …Lost will sign Tiger Woods and the guy you buy weed from.
- Surfer Magazine will only publish six stories about Miki Dora this year.
-Vans will send out a press release to announce the first billion-dollar surf contest. Of course the “contest” will take place over the course of 20 North Shore winters.
-The words El Nino will be written 1 billion times and hype about a “40-year swell” will hit in March. It will be slightly smaller than the February “40-year swell.”
-Another major surf magazine’s parent company will file for bankruptcy. That same surf mag will contact Nugable about advertising opportunities.
-The yet-to-be-released 2011 Billabong team video Filthier Than Ever will win an AVN and the 2010 Surfer Poll’s best video award.
-There will be more than 5 surfers in the top 32 without a major clothing sponsor by year’s end.
-ESPN’s surf blog will hire four additional writers. It will still suck.
-And finally, Jamie O’Brien’s upcoming film Who is Job will change the way we look at surf films.