New Year’s Resolutions for ASP Surfers

Dance? No, I said you look fat in those pants. Jordy Smith and newly-crowned champ Mick Fanning celebrate the end of another ASP season.

Being the muckraking “journalist” I am I try keep my nose clean and my ear to the ground. OK, who am I kidding? My nose is dirtier than a gas station’s toilet seat. Regardless, I had the distinct pleasure of intercepting the New Year’s resolutions of the best surfers in the world.  

-Kelly Slater
Read the memoirs of famous rebels Robert E. Lee, George Washington and Poncho Villa. Win 10th title on an Alaia.  

-Mick Fanning
Legally change name to Damien Hardman II.  

-Jamie O’Brien
Win all contests he enters on just one wave instead of two. Get sponsored by Zippo lighters for daily burnings of the ASP rule book.  

-Dane Reynolds
Win a fucking contest.  

-Tim Boal
Win a fucking heat.  

 -Joel Parkinson
Have doctors genetically alter his ankles with Hillary Clinton’s canckles. That way he’ll never injure them again.   

-Chris Ward
Make it on time to all his heats court appearances.   

 -CJ Hobgood
Knock out the next punk that calls him Damien.  

-Bede Durbidge
Try to conceal the shit-eating grin from his face every time he cashes that motocross company’s check.  

-Dusty Payne
Change name to Dirk Diggler so it sounds less like a porn star.  

-Adriano de Souza
Finally quit day job as a midget rodeo clown. Then seal the clown car doors so no more Brazilians make it on the ASP tour.  

-Taylor Knox
Retire. Then unretire. Then retire. Then sign a contract with the Minnesota Vikings.  

-Rob Machado
Hire a narrator that doesn’t put you to sleep if the Drifter II ever gets made.  

-Jordy Smith
Become the first surfer sponsored by Trojan condoms. Burn through the “lifetime supply” in one month.

What Really Went Wrong

“My parents didn’t like me watching that shit.”
—Dane Reynolds referring to the …Lost videos

…Lost is a surf company that, quite frankly, gets “it.” They get the fact surfers are not always squeaky clean role models. They get that surfers like to have fun, party and cause chaos on occasion. They get the seedy element of surfing. The do not hide from it. Rather than attempt to conceal it, …Lost celebrates the dark side of the sport. This is the final trailer for their most recent video—What Really Went Wong. Enjoy.

’Twas the Night Before Christmas (Nugable Remix)

’Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the hizzle
Not a creature was stirring, not even a Meatwhistle.
The booties were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St. Dane soon would be there.

The grommets were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of six-foot peaks danced in their heads.
And mamma in her Uggs, and I in my slaps,
Had just settled our brains for a long winter’s nap.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a focker,
Tore open the shutters and threw up a shaka.

The moon on the breast of the oncoming swell
Gave the lustre of mid-day to offshores from hell.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tinny queers.

With a little old fish, so lively and sane,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Dane.
More rapid than Fannings his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!

“Now Mailman! now, Mike! now, Mark and Shamus!
On, Bagel! On, Lazer®! on, on Trauzersnake and Blasphemous!
To the top of the lip! to the top of the wall!
Now punt away! Punt away! Punt away all!”

It Was Not A Like Bitchin Day

I first stumbled upon Likebitchin.com several months ago. I can’t remember exactly when. I knew nothing about it but was immediately drawn to the haphazard yet perfectly congruent style.

It was written by two unique individuals—Chas Smith and Derek Rielly. One American. One Australian. Derek founded Stab Magazine. Chas writes for Stab, along with several other publications.

On Wednesday, December 23 it died. It was a good run. No clear reason was given. Derek Rielly chose not to comment. He said we’ll “let it hang, mysterioso.” Chas Smith did not return my email. Even more mysterioso.

You could call it a surf blog, but you’d be wrong. It was more than that. According to the about us page it was “a place to talk and debate politics, architecture, surfing, destroy and uplift your favorite/most hated airlines and hotels and, should philanthropy be your kick, donate money to get a retard to a music festival or strip show. Likebitchin.com welcomes contributions. Y’don’t get paid but y’get the thrill of being published.”

They even gladly published two of my rants. One was piece called Fantastic Man, profiling the fictional Roger Sterling of Mad Men. The other was a review of Surfer Magazine. You can read that one here.

Producing a web site, although it appears easy, is often a thankless and grueling endeavor. Especially when there are no profits or revenue generated. Running a blog is a cruel mistress. Addicting, yet cruel. At times you feel like you are chained to the laptop.

No chains around my feet
But I’m not free, oh-ooh!
I know I am bound here in captivity

As of today, all content has been removed from Likebitchin. There is one lone post that remains. It is titled “Dead.” It appears the great unfinished surf novel will never see the light of day. Or will it? Those who frequented the site may feel a part of them died when the site went down. And I don’t blame them.

No sun will shine in my day today; (no sun will shine)
The high yellow moon won’t come out to play:
(that high yellow moon won’t come out to play)
I said (darkness) darkness has covered my light,
(and the stage) And has changed my day into night, yeah.
Where is the love to be found? (oo-ooh-ooh)
Won’t someone tell me?
‘Cause my (sweet life) life must be somewhere to be found
(must be somewhere for me)

Rest in Peace. You will be missed.

The 2010 ASP World Tour Schedule

A short press release arrived in my email inbox yesterday evening announcing the “historic” changes to the 2010 ASP World Tour schedule. I can’t recall the last time the ASP sent out a press release that didn’t include the word “historic” in it. Everything the ASP does is historic these days. It’s like Roosevelt’s speech when the Japanese Empire bombed Pearl Harbor.

“Today—ay-ay will be a date which will live in infamy as we announce sweeping changes to the already Dreamy Dream Tour schedule.”

But who can blame them? This stuff is exciting and the 2010 season doesn’t kick off for two months.

Frankly, there are not a lot of changes. A few tweaks here. A few tweaks there. Teahupoo has been moved up by a few months. They dropped fickle Munduka for Portugal. And they pushed back the start date of the Teahupoo event to capitalize on swell opportunity. Billabong has dropped an event and Rip Curl has added one more event. But I was thoroughly disappointed they did not formally announce the venue for the Rip Curl Pro Search. My money is on Huntington.

If it isn’t broke why fix it. Right? To be fair, Mother Nature was not kind to the WCT in 2009. Perhaps that’s what so great about surfing—the uncertainty. If the waves are as bad in 2010 as they were in ’09 then THAT would be “historic.”

The 2010 ASP World Tour schedule is as follows:

Quiksilver Pro Gold Coast, February 27 – March 10, 2010
Rip Curl Pro Bells Beach, March 30 – April 10, 2010
Hang Loose Santa Catarina Pro, April 21 – April 30, 2010
Billabong Pro Jeffreys Bay, July 15 – 25, 2010
Billabong Pro Teahupoo, August 23 – September 3, 2010
Hurley Pro Trestles, September 12 – 21, 2010
Quiksilver Pro France, September 25 – October 5, 2010
Rip Curl Pro Portugal, October 7 – 18, 2010
Rip Curl Pro Search, October 30 – November 10, 2010
Billabong Pipe Masters, December 8 – 20, 2010

Now let’s take a trip down memory lane and compare the tour today to 1990.

O’Neill Pepsi Cold Water Classic – Santa Cruz, USA
Bundaberg Rum Surf Masters – Burleigh Heads, Australia
Rip Curl Coca-Cola Surfing Classic – Bells Beach, Australia
Coca Cola Bottlers Surf Classic – Narrabeen Beach, Australia
Gunston 500 – Durban, South Africa
Life’s a Beach Surf Klassik – Oceanside Pier, USA
OP Pro – Huntington Beach, USA
Quiksilver Lacanau Pro – Lacanau, France
Rip Curl Pro Landes – Hossegor, France
Arena Surfmasters – Biarritz, France
Pukas Pro – Zarautz, Spain
Seland Pro – Sopelana, Spain
Buondi Pro – Ericeira, Portugal
Marui Pro – Chiba, Japan
Alternativa Surf International – Rio De Janeiro, Brazil
Hang Loose Pro – Guaruja, Brazil
The Drug Offensive Masters – Margaret River, Australia
BHP Steel International – Newcastle Beach, Australia
Hard Rock Cafe World Cup of Surfing – Haleiwa, Hawaii
Marui Pipeline Masters – Pipeline, Hawaii
Billabong Pro – North Shore, Hawaii

Now that wasn’t exactly a dream schedule…six events in Europe and crappy beachbreaks galore. Another thing you will notice is the amount of corporate event sponsors like the Hard Rock Cafe, BHP Steel, Coca Cola and Pepsi. It was a far cry from today’s tour which is essentially controlled by three major surf brands.

Nevertheless, Tom Curren dominated the 1990 season by winning the first three events and more than a third of the 21 events.

Photo Credit: © ASP/ CI/ Scholtz via Getty Images