Surfer Magazine Review–September 2009

Editor’s Note: The following piece was written for Likebitchin.com. Stab Magazine founder and gentleman of leisure Derek Rielly was kind enough to let me share my thoughts on the sport’s Bible.

Surfer turned 50 this year. It seems like just yesterday when they were celebrating 40 years. Who could forget number 40? Remember forty guys? Remember the time when you forgot how to spell forty and splashed the bottom of each page with “Surfer Magazine–Fourty Years.” And, you think the readers didn’t notice did you? Well, we did. But we didn’t care. We forgave you. Just like we forgave you when you sold out, went corporate, and teamed up with sworn enemy Surfing. But, that’s the past.

The cover shot of the September 09 issue pleases. The colors are vibrant. Red juxtaposed with burnt sienna and palm trees in the background. Imagine a smog-laced California sunset, the sky on fire. The reader can make out no less than seven prominently placed logos on Dusty Payne’s Merrick. But, you can’t judge a surf mag by the cover alone.

Let’s start with Curious Gabe. It’s the longest-running feature in the magazine (as far as I can tell), but does anyone really care that Sam George rides an SUP or that some cat named Nole rides an Alaia? If you are going to ask Sam George a question it should be one of two choices. 1) Will feathered-hair mullets ever go out of style? And, 2) Is your brother finished with the script for In God’s Hands II yet? Fuck, let me put down my soy-milk frapp and slip off my Birkenstocks because I don’t want to miss what a 56-year-old PT is riding. I’ll tell you what’s curious — that Surfer dedicates a page of each issue for a feature titled Curious Gabe. I’d rather see anything but a Curious Gabe. And, this includes another Pull In underwear ad or a Scott Bass think piece where he instructs readers on proper ball-shaving technique.

Charlie Smith makes an appearance in the September issue. Sounds promising? The concept is fine. Dangerous surf destinations like North Korea, Pakistan and Somali. Has top billing on the cover too. But, I begin reading and realize this 300-word piece must have been cut with a corporate editor’s axe. Reads like a Penthouse Forum piece edited by a bible-thumping Disney intern. To think Mr. Smith almost made it out of all these war-torn countries unscathed, but it appears Surfer slipped an IED under his bicycle and didn’t even have the courtesy to provide a prosthetic. Hopefully his baguette survived.

The profile of Joel Parkinson penned by former Tracks editor Sean Doherty is pleasant enough, but Parko isn’t the most interesting Australian surfer on the planet. Sure, Parko is well on his way to his first world title, but I nodded off after the third paragraph. I have paper cuts on my forehead and fingers to prove it due to the thinner-than-Shane-Dorian’s-hairline semi-glossy paper stock.

I grew up reading Surfer and I miss her. I miss her dearly. Where have you gone my old friend? When will I see you again? Like Santa Claus riding his sleigh, disappearing into the blistery winter nigh. On! Severson On! Marcus On! Parmenter and Hynd. Never shall we meet again.

Three-and-a-half stars.

Trick Tips—The Frontside Bottom Turn

Trick tips are surfing’s editorial equivalent to throwing in the towel. You see them in all the surf mags and all over the web. Has anyone ever learned a damned thing from Kalani Robb explaining how to do a floater or Taj Burrow talking about how to do an air reverse? I worked for a dot com at the turn of the Millennium. One day we had a meeting with one of the VP’s and he was adamant about including more trick trips on the site. “We need more trick tips,” he said while adjusting the waistband on his Dockers. “That’s what the kids want.”

Today, I’ve decided to throw in the towel.

The frontside bottom turn as performed by Alana Blanchard.

The bottom turn is a standard maneuver that sets up practically every other maneuver in your arsenal. Some might prefer the “backside,” but the frontside can be a tricky beast and equally rewarding. First make sure your “stick” has plenty of wax on it. Things can and will get slippery. You don’t want to experience one of those dog-in-the-bathtub catastrophes. When paddling, I prefer to kick my legs like a wild bronco at a rodeo to give an extra burst.  Now dive in with all your might.

After you get up, rotate your weight and dip your inside shoulder. When you see that section begin to peel a bit…go for broke. Make sure you shift your hips in a thrusting motion, but not too hard. Be gentle. You want to start slowly, build up a rhythm near the lip and crescendo and just the right moment. When in doubt remember; the more you practice, the better you will get.

ESPN Surfing Web Site Review Part II (Simple Jack Strikes Back)

Kirk Lazarus: Everybody knows you never go full retard.

Tugg Speedman: What do you mean?

Kirk Lazarus: Check it out. Dustin Hoffman, ‘Rain Man,’ look retarded, act retarded, not retarded. Counted toothpicks, cheated cards. Autistic, sho’. Not retarded. You know Tom Hanks, ‘Forrest Gump.’ Slow, yes. Retarded, maybe. Braces on his legs. But he charmed the pants off Nixon and won a ping-pong competition. That ain’t retarded. Peter Sellers, “Being There.” Infantile, yes. Retarded, no. You went full retard, man. Never go full retard. You don’t buy that? Ask Sean Penn, 2001, “I Am Sam.” Remember? Went full retard, went home empty handed…

“Never go full retard.”

I think someone forgot to give ESPN Surfing’s Jake Howard this nugget of advice. If they gave out an award for the best surfing web site, ESPN Surfing would certainly go home empty handed.

A little back story…

Two weeks ago I reviewed ESPN’s surfing blog. According to the official Nugable.com stats it was the second most-read post in this humble blog’s existence. In it I basically called Jake Howard the Caucasian version of Barry Bonds. I actually wrote “If Barry Bonds was sheet white and wore a corn husk toupe he would look just like Jake Howard.” This was the accompanying image.

Then something happened. Perhaps Mr. Howard reads Nugable. I don’t know. But sure as shit, he changed his mugshot photo on the blog.

Now he looks like Simple Jack Jake from ‘Tropic Thunder” for chrissakes. This shit is just too good to be true.  And to top it off he fired back with this attempt at humor. In it Howard states “we here at ESPN take our surfing seriously.” I think that’s kind of special considering the surfing community doesn’t take ESPN seriously. As Bill Simmons would say; the unintentional comedy factor is off the charts.

It gets better. You know that pre-teen Vietnamese heroin kingpin who holds Simple Jack hostage “Tropic Thunder?” It looks like ESPN has hired him too.

Since then the ESPN Surfing crew has posted a month-old video of Kelly Slater on SportsCenter. Call me hard to please but one would think since ESPN owns the site they would have posted it a little sooner…like the day after the interview.  I think Transworld even scooped them on this a day before. When you have 5 dedicated writers and Transworld Surf scoops you, it’s time to reevaluate things.

Their latest post is about love-starved sharks that listen to Barry White. I’m not kidding. They also have mini-blog dedicated to a hurricane that should produce epic surf along the Eastern seaboard. Man those Right Coasters must be hurting for waves. Good for them. Then they posted a fantastic video of a surfing juggler they stole borrowed from the Hobgoods blog. And the kicker is a piece about a Disney-owned wave pool contest in Florida. Way to wave the Disney/ESPN rainbow flag guys. I can’t wait to see what ESPN has planned for professional surfing. It’s going to be “special.”

The Revolution Will Be Logoless

I always prefer a logoless T-shirt over one with a logo. Call me fussy. Call me fastidious. But, let’s face it—surf companies have a gift for ruining a perfectly good shirt with a logo.

That’s why my Hanes white T-shirts always get more use than the countless free T-shirts I have obtained over the years with surf company logos on them. That’s why that Hurley button-down with the logo on front pocket has been sitting in my closet, with tags still on, for more than a year. Speaking of Hurley. Does the Hilton Hotel chain know they stole their logo?

The point of making clothes is to sell them right? In many cases it appears surf clothing designers are more concerned with advertising the brand than making a comfortable, functional shirt people will buy and wear.

Recently, Freshjive announced they would soon go logoless and brandless. Although Freshjive is not a “surf company” in the strictest sense of the word, they have sponsored surfers in the past and have advertised in several surfing-related publications.

On PSFK Freshjive owner and designer, Rick Klotz, said “I’m not the type of person that buys something for the brand name. I’ve also never done a very good job at creating a captivating identity to our own brand logo. Also, within the streetwear culture, the promotion of a company’s brand has become downright silly to me. What’s amusing is I still really enjoy designing gear, graphics, and even logos. But when I see kids wearing company logos it reminds of people who are trying to be a part of a “tribe” or “gang”, as if they need to be part of something, which seems to go against the idea of individualism in style.”

Part of me thinks the move is genius. Part of me thinks they are mailing it in because no one buys their products anyway. Freshjive sells mostly to streetwear and skate boutiques. Who shops in streetwear boutiques anyway? What is streetwear? Do they have fashion shows with homeless people on the runway? I’m not sure.

But Klotz makes a valid observation in that “people who are trying to be a part of a “tribe” or “gang.” Surfers have always been a tribe or a gang in a certain sense. Most people want to belong. To be a part of something. For most surfers I think this is especially true. And that’s not necessarily a bad thing. But the problem is we need more leaders and fewer followers. Most surf companies offer nothing new. They copy each other continuously and the end result is stale and unoriginal.

Klotz appears to be leading. He is taking chances. And hell, he might be leading his brand to bankruptcy court, but at least he’s doing something different. And I respect that.

The Top Fucking 5 Hollywood Surf Films

Editors Note: This is the first installment of the Top Fucking 5. I’m sure there will be more. Last week I touched on the subject in the post Nobody Listens to Turtle. Today I tackle the genre of the Hollywood surf film in greater depth.

5. In God’s Hands
Written by Matt George and Zalman King, who is better known for his soft-core porn series Red Shoe Diaries, the inclusion of this abortion of a film is charity at best. Frankly, it just made the list for the simple fact it must have been excruciatingly painful for Matt George to shave his head for the role. Favorite line: “Did you know that salt water is most closely related to human blood, and you know what that reminds me of? Our own essence gentlemen.” Now THAT’S writing.

4. Point Break
I once saw Keanu Reeves at a Fugazi show in Hollywood. He looked like a homeless guy. My buddy didn’t recognize him and told him “you look that shitty actor from the Matrix.” He laughed and bought him a drink. It’s a little known fact Matt Archbold did the stunt surfing for Patrick Swayze’s character. Favorite Line: “Listen you snot-nose little shit, I was takin’ shrapnel in Khe Sanh when you were crappin’ in your hands and rubbin’ it on your face.” Oh that Gary Busey.

3. Blue Crush
This film put female surfing on the map, so to speak. Big wave rider Noah Johnson wore a bikini and blond wig to stunt-surf for Kate Bosworth’s role. The film was horrible. That is all I have to say. Favorite line from surf photographer Todd Messick: “Does she know she just lost?”

2. North Shore
The film was Occy’s comedic coming out party. Along with Turtle and Robbie Page, his scenes are the most memorable. Who could forget Page dancing in a tutu at the Halloween party or Turtle’s almost genuine haloe pigeon? Favorite line: “Don’t even touch Barno. That rhyno-chaser don’t need no big haole hand print messin’ up its whole trip.”

1. Big Wednesday
The Apocalypse Now of the genre. The film is loosely based on director John Milius’ youth in Malibu. The narration, done by Robert Englund of Freddy Krueger fame, always gave me a warm, tingling sensation…like an old friend talking surf by a campfire. Favorite Line: “He aint no hodad squidlips! That’s Matt Johnson.” Enjoy the opening credits below. Ah, memories.